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Dec 1, 2005 8:15:11 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 8:15:11 GMT -7
Howdy All!
I'm new here, just found the board. I've been in this struggle against porn for a long time, both for the good and for the bad. My struggles include homosexual lust, even though I've never been with anyone (of either sex) outside of our marriage. The internet is a big problem for me and lately I've really been thinking a lot about how to stay "plugged in" to life and not disassociate and isolate.
I was actually the director of a ministry for those struggling with sexual brokenness for 2 1/2 years. Then, things changed in my life and I stepped down. I am a stay-at-home dad and homeschool our daughter. I also have a business on the side doing database programming and consulting.
Anyhow, all that said, I'm struggling. My last accountability partner died 18 months ago. We changed churches a few years ago and while we go to a great church, I haven't really "bonded" with any other guys there. My business is not doing well, and I just have too much time on my hands, in a house by myself.
So, I googled today and found this board and I'm very thankful for it. Hopefully I can plug in, at least a little bit, here.
Thanks!
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Dec 1, 2005 8:22:06 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 8:22:06 GMT -7
Welcome! You will find grace and realness here, I believe. We're thankful you found us and are stepping out of the isolation you're in. If I may ask, is your wife aware of your struggles yet? Prayed for you and your family!
captivated
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Dec 1, 2005 8:59:15 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 8:59:15 GMT -7
Grace and offers for help, you will find plenty of here. I applaud you for your willingness to be vulnerable, that's a huge and difficult first step.
In your quest for accountability, might I suggest daily posts to the accountability forum on this site. Another option is there are men on this site who I'm sure would be willing to be an online accountability partner for you, myself included.
Stay connected,
matt
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Dec 2, 2005 0:14:23 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2005 0:14:23 GMT -7
Welcome! You will find grace and realness here, I believe. We're thankful you found us and are stepping out of the isolation you're in. If I may ask, is your wife aware of your struggles yet? Prayed for you and your family! captivated
Thanks for the kind words. In regards to my wife, it's yes & no. She's aware of my struggles, worked with me in the ministry, but she doesn't know that I'm currently struggling as bad as I am. I've got other issues going on right now (i.e. overeating & overspending) that she knows about. But what we've found, for us at least, is that I tell her that I'm struggling, but not any of the details. It's too personal for her and she takes it too much as rejection. This has been a long, long road for us.
Thanks also for the accountability idea. I'll get over there later and check in.
gtg. Thanks All!
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Dec 2, 2005 2:53:10 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2005 2:53:10 GMT -7
NG,
One of the things that I've struggled most with is how much and when to share with my wife. Sometimes she wants to know other times she doesn't. I think this is one of the most difficult aspects of recovery, especially for me. I always used the excuse that I wasn't supposed to use her as my accountability partner as a reason to hide things from her.
I still don't share everything with her, but we've come to an agreement that she can ask if I'm struggling and I need to answer honestly. I still don't offer things without her asking (this may or may not be wrong, I'm not sure) but, I'm practicing being honest with her when she asks.
I'd love some advice in this area if anyone has any.
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Dec 2, 2005 4:25:47 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2005 4:25:47 GMT -7
Matt,
The following is from pureintimacy.org
"1. What about my wife? Can she be my accountability partner? The spouses of partners who struggle with sexual sin and addiction are severely stressed, and should not serve as their partner’s primary accountability relationship. Often, based on their discovery, they struggle with invasive or compulsive images of their spouses acting out, and additional information will only harm them further. Equally important, the addict has only one spouse and her role must be safeguarded. Accountability partners can be found elsewhere. Both spouses and the accountability partners need to understand that the partners stand in proxy for the spouse during times of disclosure, serving the marriage as well as both husband and wife. "
It sure is tough when one's spouse asks how are we really doing. "Oh sweetie, I just spent a few hours looking at.... last night on the pc...masturbated..and had a great time. Honestly, though, I was thinking about you the whole time...." I don't think my spouse could handle that honesty. I also agree that such info might harm her further.
In the past, I've spent a lot of time with a mentor (whom I met with regularly). My wife knows and trusts this guy. I just tell my wife that I have shared all of it with him. If not, then I will tell him the next time we meet. Currently, through His grace I am staying clean, but I am having some real conflicts within the family. Such stress is not good. I am praying and trying to stay busy doing healthy things, but pray for this family that He might see us through this day. Thanks, Matt.
RTK
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Dec 2, 2005 4:50:49 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2005 4:50:49 GMT -7
RTK,
Oh man, thanks for the thoughts. One thing that I find amazing in recovery is how God brings back things that I've learned in the past at the perfect time. I've heard many of the things you've just said before, but it so easy to let those things slip from my immediate thoughts.
One of the things that I've tried in the past and need to get back to doing is, if she asks how I'm doing, make sure that I've already addressed the problem with an accountability partner. If she asks and I can say, I slipped, but here's specifically what I've done to address the issue, she is much more understanding.
Great thoughts, and I did pray for you.
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Dec 2, 2005 7:25:07 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2005 7:25:07 GMT -7
Hey NG, Matt and RTK, As a wife, I'd say that there are no clear cut answers. I have wanted to know much more than my husband is willing to tell me yet......some women don't want to hear anything.....some are in-between, but I think you'll find what Matt seems to be, most of us are different at different times. When we ask, we do want honesty, but if you question how much detail to give, it may be wise to give basics and then ask if we want more specifics. Sometimes for me, leaving out some specifics will make me wonder what he's hiding even more. Sometimes, honestly, we a done....just done with the whole thing......and can't handle another thought of it. Also, thinking through the process of grief.....and this is a grieving, we get angry.....sad......hopeful.....hopeless.....deny......accept.....etc..... Confusing, I know! Then, there's the issue of our own hormones and how they affect us!:? Mainly, I'd say you're all on the right track in even asking these questions and seeking to be sensitive to your wives and live in love with them. And most of all, ask God, the one who knows them and loves them best, as His daughters and the healer of their souls. Ask and trust Him to show and lead you by the power of His Spirit! Praying for all of you and for your wives...and families, as well! captivated
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