My boyfriend is a registered sex offender.

Hi barbaryloki,

You would consider marrying him as soon as a month from now?

I don't know what church(s) the two of you attend, but the Bible we use makes it very clear that God placed sexual intimacy within the lifelong commitment of marriage.  He has done this for many reasons.  Gen. 2:24, before the temptation and fall in the garden of Eden, tells us "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."  This places sexual intimacy on a much higher level than our culture's degradation of it to little more than an evening's sport/entertainment.  1 Cor. chapters 6 and 7 address issues of sexual sin that were troubling the church at Corinth.  Sex, as God designed it, is so much more than a pleasurable physical encounter.  it has the capacity to unite a couple not only in body, but in mind and spirit as well.  When that union is not reserved for lifelong monogamy, the parting from each partner leaves a jaggedly torn edge of mind and spirit, and all too often the physical ravages of STD's.  Even engaged couples should refrain, as many engagements never result in a wedding.  It can be very damaging to that purpose of becoming one flesh to have one or both partners, even unintentionally, comparing their spouse to a previous partner.  Such dissatisfaction from comparison can be a cancer in a marriage.  The use of any type of pornography, child or otherwise, has the same detrimental effects.  Those visual images are permanently stored in the brain, and can pop up years later, quite unbidden.  I would hope that your pastor(s) would be able to provide further insight and counsel than time and space permit here.  You might also look for books by Josh Harris at christianbook.com.

Please do not lose heart, though, if either or both of you have had previous partners.  God, thankfully, is able to heal the wounds of our past, as we surrender them to Him, and walk in obedience in the present.

Now to your actual question.  It sounds like you have both come a long way in healing from the past.  As your friendship/romance grows, he should be willing to give you free access to any computers he uses, including passwords for e-mail, or anything that includes private messaging.  I would not consider marriage until after his probation is concluded.  I hope the help that he has been receiving is exploring the woundedness from childhood and/or adolescence that he was attempting to numb or hide from in the pornography.  Another thing you may wish to consider is whether what he had was something with which he had been involved in production, or whether it was material which he downloaded from strangers.  If he didn't produce it, but is a friend or acquaintance of the person who did, I hope that those ties have been completely severed.  On a practical level, not that you should obsess over these things, but there are some things that may be red flags.  If you are sure that he is not presently involved with porn, any noticeable change of habits could be an indicator, such as change in temperment, isolating, or having periods of time for which he will not account.  This does not mean that you should hover and cling, because that does not allow trust to grow, and a relationship that does not have trust as a major part of the foundation is not likely to last.

Wishing you God's best...
Truthseeker

I don't mean to sound harsh, but give me a moment.

Run away!

My spouse and I are both "recoverying" - my spouse is not actually recovering - he abuses prescription meds like it's his job lately and he's had issues with pornography and infidelity over the years.

I have given this man 18 years of my life - if I had to do it over again, I would have left a very long time ago (or stayed gone the first time I left after five years).

In my opinion (and yes I am an addict) I think people who struggle with multiple addictions should stay single and that in no way should they marry or partner with other recoverying addicts.

Addicts are incredibly adept at putting everything on you and making you think it's all your fault - any kind of addcit (and if you are honest with yourself you will admit this is true).

I would think LONG and hard before marrying this man. Marriage is the only thing God asks you to promise, hence my reluctance to end this charade.

Thanks so much for coming back to share this!

As someone who attends several 12-step meetings for sex addicts I naturally know a number of sex offenders, some of whom continue to struggle, but some of whom have very strong recovery and are really living new lives and helping to guide others in that way.  Obviously marrying somebody in that situation takes a lot of courage and care, but what you describe yourselves doing seems to me to be just what's necessary to help keep you both safe and sober.  Good job!

Congratulations both on the marriage, on the new life together, on you joint commitment to recovery, and on your own 4 years of sobriety!  You help us here by coming back to remind us all that this kind of recovery is possible, possible for all of us.

Peace,

Tim M.