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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2008 8:25:15 GMT -7
I found this forum after reading through several articles at blazinggrace.org Sunday night and Monday. I thought I was going to die before my username went through the apporval process and I could post and ask for help. Thankfully God is both patient and persistant toward me and I finally calmed down enough to just listen to Him. Amazing how I try to avoid that and wallow in my misery instead.
I've been married almost five years. My husband has been addicted to internet pornography for around 15 years. He's always been heartbreakingly honest about it- both when he is sorry and when he is not. The longest he has not come out and told me about it has been about six months this last year when I was pregnant and then caring for our new baby. I suspected that even though he had voluntarily stopped our internet service at home that he was using a computer at work when he stayed late. When I asked him about it (I ask him if he has been loving me- I'm beginning to wonder if we need a new phrase, I'm tired of him not loving me) he admitted that he had been doing just that. I was horrified that he would risk his means of supporting us just to satisfy his lust. I reconnected the internet immediately, figuring if he's going to do it he better do it at home.
That six months of not knowing and having no way to check were the best part of our marriage. I could pretend he wasn't and it felt a lot better than finding it in the history or being told when I got home from church that no, he was not good to me tonight.
I find myself responding less. . responsibly as the years go by. I feel like I am more hurt, more angry, and I blame myself more than I did when we were first married. This Sunday when he hurredly admitted his transgression as I saw the links in the history bar I honestly felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I managed to keep the screaming insanity to a minimum, but I certainly wasn't in control of my emotions, or many of my actions. I want to love my husband, I want to show him mercy; I know he beats himself up inside (sometimes; other times he gives up). I wanted to turn the whole thing over to Christ and let him handle it, but I was just too hurt. I had a miscarriage last week at 13 weeks and I had just kept thinking, please don't do this to me right now, not now- and he did.
It took me until Monday night to finally listen as I read scripture, and I realized again that we betray Christ again and again and again and he is always there with mercy. I realized again that knowing about my husband's addiction I believe that God put us together and designed our marriage. I remebered again, that God's will for us is to be image bearers and image bearers keep their covenants. I had been struggling with whether or not we should have more children, because I don't believe it is kind to bring children into a home that is headed for divorce. But, I was reminded that it is God's will for my husband to walk before him in victory over his lust- just like it is God's will for me to be patient, tenderhearted, and go alongside my husband and pray for him and support him- instead of showing him anger and contempt.
I feel like I just need someone to remind me of these things when can't seem to call them up myself. God is faithful, but he speaks so softly- if there is a lady out there who could say, "Hey, what is God's will in your relationship?" "What is it that God desires to see in you?" and finally "Let me pray that you will take these new wounds in your heart to Him and he will heal them for you." I think I need that kind of accountability when my emotions crashing in on me because of yet another betrayal. Thanks for listening.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2008 11:05:36 GMT -7
Dear Colossians3_10,
Welcome to the BG boards. I trust you will find support here.
The one small clause in your first post that stood out to me in red was "I blame myself more than I did." If your husband struggled with this for a decade before marrying you, why accept any blame at all for his condition or for its continuance? Internet pornography is not a relationship problem in which you can share guilt together. It is his individual lack-of-relationship problem for which he must own responsibility and seek help. You can pray for him, provide a nurturing relationship for him, walk alongside him and cheer his efforts to get free, but the burden is his.
"Holy God, be present with Colossians3_10."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2008 12:31:46 GMT -7
Hi Colossians3_10,
First, a hug, and shared sorrow for the loss of your child.
I wish to commend you for your patience and grace toward your husband. A spouse cannot overcome this without support and encouragement from their partner.
Now, on to other difficult matters.
If I am reading between the lines, your H is not attending church with you. Has he ever professed Jesus as Savior? Only Christ can provide lasting strength to break the chains of this addiction. Sadly, he doesn't even seem willing to give it up for the person he is supposed to love most on this earth. He has to hit bottom, to decide that he no longer wants to be enslaved by lust. Sometimes separation will wake a man up to what he could lose if he will not get help, but often it does not. You said that you are concerned about bringing more children in to a household which could end in divorce. Have the two of you talked about this?
At risk of seeming harsh, I ask the following questions, not for answers here, but for your private contemplation.
How will this affect your child? Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is an example of how women should be viewed and treated. Were he an alcoholic, would you freely supply him with alcohol at home, enabling him to destroy his liver, but thankful that he won't be tempted to drive?
Is he ready to get help and take genuine steps toward purging this addiction from his life, and the life of your family? If not, how long are you prepared to endure this sin against God and yourself? Do you have a good internet filter, to which only you have the password to control the settings?
I am sorry if I am sounding less than supportive, but telling you to be gracious and loving, indefinitely, for a man who will not both acknowledge wrong-doing and take concrete measures to address his addiction, is just something I cannot do.
Praying for you both... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2008 3:51:24 GMT -7
Hi Colossians3_10,
I'm glad you were finally able to join. I can honestly tell you had it not been for these forums I could have gone crazy almost a year ago. Sorry this is happening. I can relate with much of your story and I too had a miscarriage and found porn (again) the same day we came back from the hospital. I would like to share when things began getting better for my marriage (not to say it was easy, fast or painless).
Things began getting better when I set some boundaries. I guess with this I'm suggesting it may be a good idea to stop internet service at home again. I understand that you are concerned he may get caught at work and loose his job, but you see, he needs to own up to his consequences. God will provide if that were to happen. I had to get rid of the DVD at home (among other things). It was not a comfortable situation especially since my husband has quite a temper and he was not admitting this was a problem. We just connected internet again after a year at home with covenant eyes and some boundaries in terms of how long he can use it and him knowing that I am allowed to see what he is searching. As a matter of fact, he only uses the computer in front of me. I praise the Lord for that. These are just boundaries I had never placed in our relationship. I don't do it in a motherly-either-you-do-this-or-you'll-get-in-trouble way. I do it as his wife who loves him and deserves the respect I give him.
Our God is a wonderful God that wants the best for you and your marriage. He can make that happen. He does not want you to "conform" to your husbands hurtful behavior. I am sure the Lord will be with you every step of the way and he'll give you the wisdom to say what needs to be said and when it needs to be said to your husband. He did it for me and made the impossible possible. But staying quite won't make this stop or go away. I stayed quite for a long time before I took a stand for my marriage.
When I took the stand I didn't know what to do or how to do it but believe me when I tell you that PRAYER WORKS. I would talk with my heavenly father every step of the way and he guided me. When things got rough, he was there to console me. He never left me alone and he won't leave you either. You are his precious daughter and He loves you so much. His will won't allow you to be in trials longer that you can handle.
I pray the from this point foward, God starts doing something amazing in you marriage. I pray he gives you the guidance you need. I pray his loving presence be with you every day and that you don't feel lonely. I pray that the Lord touches your husbands heart and begins a new purpose in him.
Praying for you sweetie and sorry so long but my heart was touched by your story (reminded me of me),
Esperanza
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2008 12:38:42 GMT -7
Thank you all so much for your replies.
Paulos- I'm sure you understand the difference between knowing something intellectually and knowing it with your heart. Intellectually I am sure that my husbands choice to look at pornography on the internet is not my fault. When it happens I still KNOW this. Unfortunately, sometimes (and, as I say, more and more) I feel like it is, or like I am contributing to it. I know this is wrong- none the less it happens; I need prayer for this just like I do that I won't sin in my anger against my husband.
Truthseeker- My husband is involved in our church and faithfully attends Sunday morning. He did not grow up in a family that went to church at other times during the week and it has always been a struggle for him to give up those portions of time when he could be doing other things. Unfortunately, when he does stay home those time slots seem to be very handy for looking at porn. I do not think this is a coincedence. As to whether he is a Chrsitian or not. . . I believe he is, but I believe that his walk with the Lord and any spiritual growth is terribly stunted by his addiction. We cannot grow and thrive in our Christian life when we live in sin- and the more we ignore the Holy Spirit's conviction the more difficult it is. This is why I believe I need to stand by him and pray for him and support him in his fight- trouble is I get so MAD at him. : )
As to internet filters and cutting off the home internet so he can get fired and "hit bottom". My husband is a computer tech, he's been programming and taking apart/ putting together computers since he was in junior high. He can circumvent any controls we put on the computer and he has access to computers with high speed internet everywhere- even at church. (He has told our pastor his addiction). He has a web design business and spends hours making websites for people every week ( in addition to his regular job). If we didn't have internet at home he wouldn't be here. Aside from getting caught misusing computers elsewhere, he wouldn't have any accountability either.
Anyway, what it comes down to is that I can not change my husband, but I am confident in God's ability to do that very thing. In the meantime, I need accountability as He changes me.
Esperanza, thank you for your encouragement.
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Post by loveconquersall on Apr 8, 2008 15:59:43 GMT -7
I know the pain and agony that you're going through. Your story really touched me. The day I found my husband still watching p was Sun. He admitted to me he had been doing it again for a while, after he promised me he wouldn't repeatedly. I knew he was watching it, but he hid it. Clearing the history, saying he was doing something else... so many excuses. I lied to myself, and sought relief in those lies instead of in the Lord. When I relearned how to read, write, add, walk and speak again last year, I had thought that was painful. Now, after finding out that my husband is fully addicted to p and m, this is the most pain and betrayal I've ever felt. I've never experienced this kind of desolation before. I do want to pass you some hope. Talk to him when you find you are not as upset as normal. (Hard to do, I know). Counseling, an accountability partner, Scripture, and support from you will bring back the man you love and need. It is possible, and sobriety is happening more and more. I have miscarried once before, recently, and am still devastated from the trauma. Now I'm 13 weeks in my second pregnancy, so far so good. I will pray for you and your family. One last thought. Most people try everything and find "the only thing left to do is pray." What most people need to realize is this: The first and best the to do for anybody or anything is to pray. After giving your problem to God, hew will help you through it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2011 12:50:58 GMT -7
Years later. . . I hope this encourages someone.
As I said in my original post, as I 'hit bottom' and sought the Lord for wisdom I became convinced that his will was for my marriage to grow,thrive and reflect Him. About this same time, though, after the post, I think, I finally took into my heart the idea of my worth. My worth lies in Christ's death and resurrection. Nothing else. Not my own merits, not my husband's sin. "And when before the throne, I stand in Him complete "Jesus died my soul to save." this my lips shall still repeat." That song is what did it for me as I wrestled with how to handle the hurt I was suffering. Since then I have been dwelling in that Truth. And when the lies come, I have learned to cling to, and repeat the Truth. Nothing is so effective against lies!
And, as I said I would, I have been praying, loving, encouraging and supporting my husband. Does he still struggle with porn? Sure. As often? No way. Can I see evidence of the Holy Spirit in him that I couldn't see 2 years ago? Oh yes, everyday!
Ladies, as you struggle with this horrendous betrayel you are going through, as you process the hurts, the anger and raging emotions: Let me encourage you. The Lord is Faithful. Let Him define your value, let Him change your spouse, your marriage, your heart. Let him hold you tenderly and dry your tears. I'm not promising your husband will change, but I promise that God is faithful and as you turn to Him, he will Love you.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2011 15:29:06 GMT -7
Hi Colossians,
Thank you so much for returning with encouragement. So many drift through these forums and do not return to be of encouragement to those on earlier parts of the journey.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2011 11:13:14 GMT -7
This is very encouraging news, Colossians, although I am single man and never married or had children.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2011 18:54:48 GMT -7
Colossians,
Thank you so much for your posting about you and your husband’s recovery and how you stuck with him every step of the way. I am a recovering addict and have been married to my wife for 10 years. I have just recently hit rock bottom 65 days ago and finally gave everything to God. The problem is that I am deployed to Afghanistan and doing this by long distance. I can’t show the works that God has done in me to my wife and not sure that if she would believe me. I don’t want to lose her or our family. I am now 64 days without porn and self gratification. I can finally see where I was heading and what it was doing to my wife and kids. I have been reading his word everyday and living for him the best that I can. I’m afraid to ask my wife where she is cause she might think I am trying to help fix her and I’m the one that needs fixing. I know that God will work in her just like he is working in me but I would like to know that she is reading his word and not letting Satan put thoughts in her head to slow her healing process. But I just need to have faith that God will work in her just like he is in me and the storm is calming down and the time to rebuild my foundation is now. On his word, grace, mercy and my faith that he will make all things better for those that follow him. Thank you again for sharing your faith and victories over this addiction that meant to destroy your family but has made you all stronger.
God bless you and husband for never giving up.
Tired
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2011 23:40:42 GMT -7
And, as I said I would, I have been praying, loving, encouraging and supporting my husband. Does he still struggle with porn? Sure. As often? No way. Can I see evidence of the Holy Spirit in him that I couldn't see 2 years ago? Oh yes, everyday! Colossians3_10: What are your future dreams? Where are you heading for in this relationship?
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