Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2005 2:06:51 GMT -7
The following post is an original that I posted 2 years ago this month, after finding The Fires of Darkness forum, out of total desperation, alot like the same reasons I found this site, which I found by going back to the FOD, and this site was listed. This is what happened 2 years ago, after putting my foot down. If you you could please give me some suggestions on how to go about the confrontation, without my whole world being blown apart, I could really use the advice. Everything posted before remains the same, 2 years later.
My whole life came crashing in on me when my husband was ready to walk out the door, because I get totally disgusted with his viewing of nude women, and various sex acts, between men and women, and women and women. I get upset, feel dirty, undesirable, and totally inadequate. We "make love" on an average of at least once a day, so that is not why he seeks these out. He says that he is a voyeur at heart, and that is why he does this, he comes to bed with me...and that is all that I should think about. He says that he could be doing worse, and that I should not be bothered by what he looks at, he is only thinking of me...OKAY...like that is supposed to help with my self esteem? What ever happened to forsaking all others? He tells me that it would not bother him if I did this, but I feel that he only says that, because he knows how strongly I feel, and that I would never do that to me or him. When he told me that he was ready to leave me, it was because of my reactions to his viewing of porn, as well as, he feels that I am not expressive enough in the bedroom, yet after knowing that he has looked at the stuff he looks at, I feel as though I am being compared to and tested with what he has seen, and that is a total turn-off. I am not comfortable with the hooping and hollering that I feel is what he wants. I feel as though he forgets that what he sees is acting, as well as a lot of silicone. I cannot be like them...ever! I have done a lot of thinking over the years of dealing with this issue, and have even had questions on the subject, that have never been answered, like why is porn legal...out there for the world to see, yet prostitution is illegal, done behind closed doors...? They are both recieving money for the same thing. If I were to walk out the door nude, or even semi-nude, I could be arrested for indescent exposure, yet there are businesses that display nudie mags, for all to see. Anymore, TV shows, movies, and music all have a rating system, but most of the porn sites on the internet, are unrated, Why? Prayer has been taken out of the schools, being replaced by sex-ed. What is happening to our world?
I do not want anyone to thing that my husband is an ogre, his is a wonderful man in every way, our only problem being the porn. But it is a problem that could cost me my marriage! I cannot deal with it, and he seems to be unable to live without it. During our last blow up over this, he told me that his buddies see nothing wrong with this, but I have also noticed that the only people that he discusses this with are the ones who talk about it first. If they do not bring it up, neither will he, is this because he knows that it is not acceptable to others? Is he afraid that they will tell him that I have the right to feel the way I do? I do not have the answers, and I feel as though I am running out of time...I cannot hide my feelings on this, it is eating me up inside! I have tried compromises, and they always come back to haunt me. I am truly lost, and I do not know what to do, or how to do it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know it was long, but I have so much going on in my mind, my heart, and my life, and I am scared.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2005 3:12:35 GMT -7
brokenhearted, in tears I write to you because I know how badly you must hurt.
On Tuesday of this week my fiancee discovered my viewing of pornography. And how I hurt her so deeply...
Please first understand.....that its not your fault....theres probably nothing you could have done, or could do to have avoided it. You're husband is a fallen warrior trapped into this mess of pornography. Many get trapped and dont know why....dont know why its so important to them. So to attack it on a logical basis wont make any sense....because it is not logical.
I hope that someone will be able to give you clear answers. As for me...I will be praying for you. My fiancee left me over this issue. He will one day be very thankful I hope that you have stuck around for this. Its not my ex-friancee's fault she left me....she had all the right in the world.....but I would change it in a heart beat if I could.....or ever can.
Know that I am praying for you.
- David
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2005 3:37:20 GMT -7
I am really sorry that things have turned out the way that they have for you. I also know that from what I am going thru, your fiancee probably struggled with so many emotions, before leaving you, and that she may even regret leaving. I love my husband so very much, and although I have threatened ending our almost 26 year marriage, I honestly do not know that I could. But a very real part of me is trying to figure out if by him knowing how I feel, and yet continuing on this path of distruction, is he addicted, or does he do this to push me to that? When you have been where I have been for this long, you tend to lose yourself to the point of not even knowing who is looking back at you when you look into a mirror, and not even liking yourself, because you feel so inadequate....not a fun place to be, for yourself, as well as those around you.
Good luck to you, and I hope that everything works out for you!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2005 4:26:54 GMT -7
brokenhearted, My heart also aches for you. It is so sad that you husband is unable to see the treasure he has in you to be cherished as his wife.  I am so sorry. It is not you, but it affects how you see yourself anyway, I know.:? Honestly, as I read your story, two things came to mind. First, I wonder if you've attempted to look for any kind of support group for women going through this sort of thing in your area because it's helpful to stay connected to people going through the same struggles in person on a regular basis. Also, IF your husband was serious about leaving you due to your reactions to his porn, then he was making a choice......IF you allow him to stay and continue in his addiction as he's done, then you are making a choice as well. Sometimes, the answers are not easy and it does take blowing our world apart in order to rebuild something new and better........like leveling an old dilapidated, unsafe structure to build a new, sound one.......or tilling a field of grass, breaking up clumps of dirt in order to plant a fresh lush garden. Your husband has nurtured this habit for a long time, it sounds, and it does not sound like he will relinquish this thing he sees as his "right" very easily, so he may fight you.....he may leave......he may even stay away, I don't know.....God does.....and he may decide he wants to be free from this when he realizes you won't put up with it any longer for the sake of your marriage and to protect your own heart. I don't claim to know all the answers. It just seems like you may have a choice to make which may not be the one you'd want to have to make, initially. Since it sounds like it may be difficult for you to stay steady and tell him you won't put up with this any longer, I'd like to see you find others in your area to give you healthy support in the process, to pray with and for you, etc.... ....and yes, several here will pray for you and your husband both as well, myself included! Keep us posted with what you decide and feel free to ask questions. May God bless you with an ever increasing awareness of His great love for you in Christ! 
captivated
|
|
|
|
Post by isolated on Nov 18, 2005 9:24:01 GMT -7
Brokenhearted you are in my prayers, Im listioning to Phillips, Graig and Dean
right now its a cd called let my words be few ,it really helps me to hear musuc that
draws me closer to God and this is one great cd , also I think Capivated gave you some good advice God Bless Glen
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2005 0:50:59 GMT -7
Yes, this is my story too for the first 15 years of my marriage. My husband said he was a voyeur. He said at least he wasn't going out of the marriage physically. He said I could do it too and should with him. I did, that didn't work.
I finally couldn't take it anymore. He went to a cam site one night where he could be a voyeur and something snapped inside of me. It was too real. I knew he would be too excited. That was the end.
I realized I had three options.
1. Accept his voyeurism, porn, and Masturbation.
Well I had tried that for over 15 years. I couldn't.
2. He could have his porn but without me.
3. He could stop and we would TRY and rebuild.
I had to draw a line in the sand. He tells me today, 5 years porn free, that if I would not have been so solid in my resolve to rid porn from my marriage at any cost, he would not have stopped.
At that point I didn't care if he stayed or not. I hated the porn more than I loved him. The lies, betrayal, and disrespect are not something that God wants in a marriage.
My world did blow apart for a while. It stayed a shambles for the first 3 years of his sobriety. But the worst day of that time was a zillion times better than the best days of him acting out.
He tells me that by me taking his option to act out away, I forced him to be the man he always wanted to be himself. I don't think it was me, it was God guiding me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2005 11:48:26 GMT -7
Brokenhearted,
I was just wondering how you are doing? .....and prayed for you! Any updates?
captivated
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2005 8:27:02 GMT -7
Things are ok, for now, but that is the way it always goes, so my life is always stressed. I have tried to find some kind of support group in my area, but I live in Smalltown, USA, and to most around here, if you breathe wrong, it is taboo, so I really do not think that as far as that goes, I will have any luck. Thank you for your prayers, as well as your concern. With Thanksgiving, and my birthday out of the way, I will be getting ready for the rest of the holidays, and hopefully they will clear my mnid, and give me something new to do, and think about. I will post more later, as I have to get dinner on...leftovers...yeah:(
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2005 12:09:54 GMT -7
Thanks for the update, brokenhearted. Happy Birthday, by the way! True, the holidays may distract you, but as you know, they can't remove what's truly eating at you. I ache for you and sense you feel so trapped and stuck..... It may feel this way, but I believe God will provide for your need to connect somehow and also lead you and strengthen you to draw the necessary boundaries with your husband. Let's ask Him to do this and see what He does. Do you have any sort of church connections? Sorry if you've already shared this, but I didn't remember. For me, when I needed connections, God provided in amazing ways! I did keep getting out there and attending vibrant women's ministry type meetings where the power of prayer was believed in! It wasn't a group like some have mentioned, but it was at this ministry that God sat me next to a "lifetime friend!" And it was through this friend and other friends that He provided beyond my own understanding! Friends who'd been through enough in life to have compassion for those going through something and love God enough to also have His heart for me, my husband and our marriage....friends who have prayed and prayed and continue to pray and to battle alongside of us, if only on their knees across the country at times! This is a blessing and since you also seem to value the power of praying, I thought it would give you hope to hear how He provided for another and to know I'd join you in praying for how He'll provide for you, His daughter through Jesus! :dude: Blessings and peace in Jesus to you!
captivated:)
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2005 6:23:30 GMT -7
I apologize in advance for my selfish response to your post. Every time I read a story from the other side of the addiction, I read it as if it is my wife making those statements. My heart breaks for all of the pain and hurt that I've put her through. While I chose to hide my addiction from everyone at all costs, the pain it causes remains the same. I pray that he realizes just how amazing life can be when he is free of this addiction. Now that I have many hours of my day back, due to not spending lots of time surfing, I'm amazed at how fulfilling life can be. While reality is very painful and hurtful sometimes, its much better than fantasy land.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2005 13:28:35 GMT -7
Please do not appologize for being honest...that is what this is all about...being able to say what you are feeling, without reprocussions(OOPS, bad spelling) LOL...I have learned that there is pain on both sides of this issue, especially for those living with and/or those accepting that there is a problem. I also know that living with someone who does not think that there is a problem is a living torture in itself. Good Luck to you 
|
|
I am so sorry. It is not you, but it affects how you see yourself anyway, I know.:?
