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Hello
Oct 16, 2005 11:15:18 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2005 11:15:18 GMT -7
Hello
I am coming up on my 1st year anniversary with my wife who I sincerely love with all my heart. To be honest I don't deserve her. We are both in our mid 30's and have never been married before. I was saved at a young age but through my teen years and throughout my twenties I definitely didn't walk the walk that I should have with Jesus. Almost three years ago I came back to Christ and rededicated my life to him. Up until then I was a sex addict(still am). Initially I did really good, I removed all porn from my life and did really good at not acting out fantasies through masturbation. Then prior to our wedding I took a job that required us to move(she didn't join me till after the wedding). During that time I was alone not knowing anybody and without a church family. I started to fall back into some old patterns, and they have continued till today. I go through periods where I am strong and only desire my wife, then out of no where my worst fear comes back. I am weak. I am convicted the whole time that I am falling on my face; but I seem to ignore it and continue on.
Most importantly I need to get my walk right with Jesus. Secondly I don't want to hurt my wife. I want our marriage to be awesome and great. We recently went on vacation to Maui and I fell in love with her every second that we were there. There were no distractions, no Blackberry, no cell phone, no deadlines, just us and our love for one another. I haven't felt that connected to her in a while and I miss that. It is all my fault and I know it. We are still searching for a church where we are at now, that has been a major hurdle for us and both of our walks with Jesus has suffered because of this. We also both want a child(even though I wonder if I am father material based on my problem). We had a miss carriage a couple of months back and through that time I really fell on my face. I was there for her but my addiction really surfaced within my heart. I want to be free from this addiction. I want to get my prayer life back in order as well as my walk. I don't even pray like I should this burden is so great. I know Jesus can release me from this but I cannot even ask half the time the guilt is so much.
I am looking for an online accountability and prayer partner if anyone is interested.
Thanks ahead of time for your prayers.
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Hello
Oct 17, 2005 4:03:28 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2005 4:03:28 GMT -7
Bwels36,
Your letter brings back so many memories and I can see where your coming from. Glad your manning up to your problem and wanting healing. I have said this many times to guys, and I'll say it to you. It is what I call the marinade factor. We all have a heart. Now when we refer to "the heart," it is not the actual organ. The heart means "the center." Like and artichoke does not have a heart (organ), but the heart of an artichoke is the center. So back to the heart of man. Think of the heart as a large Turkey your about to roast for Thanksgiving. You have two turkey and one you stuff with the best urbs and pour over it the best marinade out there. The other one you stuff with fish guts and marinade in vinegar. You cook them both and the family comes over to endulge in your famous cooking. Now you know what will happen as soon as you and your guests bite into the one stuffed with fish guts and vinegar. But yet that is the flavor of the heart of a man whom does not marinate in Gods word and prayer, lives away from felowship with the wife of Christ (The Church.) And God tells us out of our mouths flows our heart and that our actions represent our heart. I did a search at Biblegateway.com on the word heart. There was 743 results. And I read through most of them and it tells us that our heart is the key point in us that will either steer us to God or not. So when we find ourselves not marinading in God world, then that only leaves marinading in this world and its standards. The "dog" you feed is the dog that wins. Starve your spiritual dog and he has no chance in the fight when your up against temptation.
My story is alot like yours. I came to Christ at an early age. But in my teen years and most of my twenties I did not attend church, never opened my bible, and prayed on occasion. I remember all the times I cheated on my wife. I remember years went by and she could not get pregnant. We saw the doctor and both got checked. I was okay. SHe took fertility pills and this was supposed to be a sure thing. Nothing! I prayed to God for a child. I promised God if he would just give us a child, I'd quit cheating and acting out. We came to a point that I thought was it, I lost my patients with God and her. We sold our house and moved in with her mom while we waited for our other house to be ready. I was just about to tell her I wanted a divorce and was going to give her half the money when she came up to me and showed me her pregnancy test. I thought, what a cruel rick God is playing on me. I prayed and told him if it was real, I'd change. She had our daughter and for a while I had changed. But once the high of being a dad wore off, and the troubles of daily living came back into play, I found myself acting out and back in my adultrous relationships with other woman. I never went back to church, I never opened up my bible. I spent four nights a week at the bar playing in pool leagues. And I wonder why I could not shake it. Then one day it all came crashing down around me. My whole secret life exposed. She was pregnant with our son at the time. I thought I had lost her and my kids I so desperately wanted. But she's an awsome lady. God blessed me with a woman whom had the gift of forgiveness. I went into counseling and started going to church. I got invovled with other men I knew and we went through books like Boundaries, Everyman's Battle, Addicted to Love, and the list goes on. I Started getting to the root of the problem. The problem was not my sexual addiction, that was a symptom. Like a leaky sink, and we spend our time focusing on the puddle of water on the floor and ignore the sink. I was focusing all my time on my sexual addiction. Don't get me wrong, we have to focus on it too, but not it by itself. Clean the puddle and fix the sink.
So then what? I began diving into Gods Word every chance I got. I listened to it in the car, I listened to it in my sleep, I listened to it at work on my headphones, and I got together with other men to go over it as a group. I prayed and meditated daily. Then I saw the things I once desired go away. The power of sin in my life was lifted. I won't watch anything sexually related, which does not leave much, I am connected and my marriage is better than I could ever imagine. Go back to the Turkey. I marinaded in the finest of things and now that has become the flavor of my heart. So you see, your saying your not connected to church, your not praying much, and your not in the Word. That only leaves room for fish guts and vinegar. So it should not surprise you by now why your still stuck in this rut. You mentioned the feeling of love for your wife on your vacation and how it all seemd to go away (your acting out) until the problems came back. That says there is an empty spot in your heart. O spot only Christ himself can fill. The spot your trying to fill with a feeling, and feeling that in itself will never be satisfied apart from Christ.
Sorry this is so long, but bare with me.'
Think of marriage. Your wife wants so bad to have a perfect marriage. But everyday you come home, she's at your neighbors house cooking him dinner. She spends her time with him every chance she gets. once in a while she comes home to say hello. Most of the time your left to fend for yourself. But yet everyday she wishes she could have a perfect relationship with you. Doesn't make sense. Yet that is what so many of us do. We are the bride of Christ. The bacholor next door is Satan and the world. We tell Christ we want to have a beautiful relationship with him, yet we are at the neighbors house most of the time. Will not work. My encouragement to you is to get connected ina church asap, dust off your Bible and dig in, not just reading, but meditating. Take one chapter a week and meditate on what it is actually saying. It is not how many verses you get through, it is how many verses get through you. Pray and expose your inner most needs to God, he knows already. He loves and misses you, let him back in. Get rid of anything that causes you to fall, get connected with men in your area. If you can't find any, start your own, I did. I found most groups to be a bunch of fakes. So I just got some friends I knew and started meeting weekly just to discuss a book we all agreed to read. And years later we still meet once a week. The key is to fill the void in your heart with Christ. Then everything else will start to fall into place, trust me. I know, 6 years of no porn or acting out. I would have never been able to do it wihtout that dedicated relationship to Christ.
Love you all, thanks for baring with my long replies. God bless.
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Deleted
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Hello
Oct 18, 2005 0:17:20 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2005 0:17:20 GMT -7
Soulja
Thanks for sharing. Just knowing that I am not alone with this problem gives me greater hope that I can turn things around. I know the void in my heart is for our Lord and Saviour and I thank him for this site to allow us to help one another through him.
Just to clear up some things from my previous post. I still do read the Bible, I actually run an on-line Bible study. I do need to get into it more though, and I definitely need to start praying more. I think we may have found the church that God wants us at for this season of our life, but that will only be revealed through prayer and discernment.
So far, the last two days, I have not acted on wrongful desires. My wife and I have been connecting like we should, now I need to focus on me and the Lord. Tonight I am going to be home alone for a while as she will be at her ladies Bible study. This has been a pitfall for me in the past, so I am going to try and find something to do while she is away, like go shopping for her anniversary present or something.
Thanks again for the encouragement. Please keep me in prayer as I move forward in my battle with these problem as I will you.
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