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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 1:41:54 GMT -7
I've read through and posted in some of the other forums, but never in this one, I don't know why. Anyway, I have no way around using a computer, as I use one for work, so I'm trying to train myself to use it for healthy, healing choices rather than isolationist, destructive ones. So, here I am, choosing to get real with the world. I'm one week and 2days sober from my last acting out. The struggle seems to be lessing, but that maybe because I've adjusted my approach in dealing with the temptation the minute it enters my mind. The temptations continue to bombard the door to my mind, but so far the outer-defenses have held. One of the things I noticed about a week ago was that my boundaries were still in place but they had been moved in so close to me that it was near impossible for me to not cross them. I've tried to re-strengthen some of my outer boundaries, such as not going to what I call "transition" websites. These are sites that are not classified as pornographic or even falling for me, but they are sites such as news sites, football sites or other sites that begin to tease me with the ideas of lust. In the past, I had been allowing myself to argue that there was nothing inherently wrong with these sites, which there's not, but they almost always led me to desire more, and would lead me to lusting and eventually masturbation.
I'm going to try to remain accountable here on a more consistent basis. Thanks for listening
matt
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 2:19:10 GMT -7
Hey all you guys, a big thanks for your prayers, and what you've shared here. I'm actually getting home from work excited to see if there are any new posts here...
I know that God's grace is sufficient for me, and all of you have really helped that sink in, and taken away a lot of the crappy guilt I was feeling.
If any of you are struggling with the same issues of guilt, then please don't isolate yourselves, that's what the enemy wants, please turn straight to God who loves us with an uncomprehendable grace!
mwax
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 18:49:10 GMT -7
whoa, it has been 5 days since I started fighting my addiction. so far i have not completely stumbled, but it is one huge battle. i nearly fell about 15 minutes ago, I was in the process of heading to look at those images again, but stopped myeslf just as they started loading. the desire to masturbate is sometimes so overwhelming and I nearly do. Pray that I will not fall. Thanks guys, Is268
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 19:13:59 GMT -7
Prayed!
captivated
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 19:30:34 GMT -7
thanks mate, means alot
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 20:46:05 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 22:26:35 GMT -7
Great wisdom! A huge turning point for me was when I stopped viewing Jesus as a slave master and started viewing him as a caring guide. He's not interested in whipping us into shape, he wants us to follow his teachings, not due to pride or arrogance, but because they are what he knows works best in this life. I've learned that the Bible is not a rule book, but more like a life guide. It wasn't created so that we would be limited, but so that we could avoid the pitfalls and bad choices that others have made before us.
Ok, enough preaching, and time to get "real". Today is day 11 of my newest sobriety. I found myself waking this morning with a load of guilt, but I'm not sure what it was from. I also had an overwhelming feeling of vulnerability, so I know that I need to stay connected and remain in his grace throughout the day. Please pray to that end and feel free to question me about this in the interest of accountability.
A healthy day to all,
matt
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2005 22:51:58 GMT -7
You guys are such a blessing for me as a wife to see you all being vulnerable and open and real with one another! Thank you! Praying for all. When you talk of vulnerability being a potential trigger as a feeling, is this fear or something else? I know that part of getting sober is that there will be a bombardment of dealing with some uncomfortable feelings which the porn was used to "medicate"......I'm just trying to understand for my prayers for you guys and also for my husband. Thanks, again.
captivated
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 1:02:37 GMT -7
Hi Captivate,
Its also a very big blessing to me to see a wife such as yourself trying to better understand this addiction in order to better pray for your husband. Please don't stop asking questions.
The vulnerability feeling that I was talking about was more being vulnerable to my flesh. It seems there are days when I wake up and no matter what temptation came my way, I would stand firm and not give in. There are other days, such as today, when I don't feel as strong and feel more vulnerable to the attacks. Most days fall in between these two extremes. Vulnerable days, like today, doesn't have to mean I'll act out (although it has many times), it just means that I have to be much more intentional in staying focused and preparing myself for the potential attacks that may come. I need to understand better my triggers and strengthen the boundaries that I've put in place.
I hope this helps, again, feel free to ask questions, I would love to answer them,
matt
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 1:57:35 GMT -7
Thanks for the reply, Matt. This was helpful! If I have anything else to ask, I'll remember your offer. Thanks. Hey, I know I've said this before on here, but one thing that assists us in rising above is worship....and having worship type music on in the background can help us enter in when we're struggling to do so on our own.
captivated
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Post by isolated on Dec 1, 2005 2:58:10 GMT -7
hey captivated aman to that about the worship music , somtimes thats all it takes to send us to victory Im trying out a new internet service ,my last service would get cut off all the time and I would lose all that I wrote so if you noticed a lot of mistakes it was because I did not want to lose what I wrote , so I would write and send it as fast as I could any way Im just waiting to see if I get cut off, now now back to what Matt was saying today I was thinking about seeds ,what is a bad seed and what will stop it ? a seed has to get in soil to grow ,we are the soil and some times it can be as easy as turning on a christian worship tape/cd to over come or picking up the bible and asking God to make it alive to us ,or getting on our nees and asking God for help, or just sitting down and talking to God ,or droping our pride and calling a friend to talk on the phone, it can be any number of things, but one thin is certain we have to do somthing ,and it needs to be positive God Bless time to run:D
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 4:53:26 GMT -7
Very good point isolated, I definitely need to continue placing myself in good soil. Another resource that I've found useful is www.biblegateway.com Sometimes, when I'm at work and don't have my bible close, I can just jump on this website, read a few verses, get refocused and keep walking.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 8:59:50 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 11:49:08 GMT -7
unfortunately i fell again last night. browsing deviantart, i had not turned the content filter on and fell into the trap. have turned the filter on now, should remove one more trigger. I'm aiming to make a longer period before falling again, please pray that i will be able to.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2005 13:12:12 GMT -7
ado,
Very courageous of you to check in. Just a curious question. Ever think of getting an internet filter that you can't turn off or that someone else has the password to? I don't know your situation, so I don't mean to assume, but something like this might help.
praying for you,
matt
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