Hello Iris, it's nice to have you with us. For me terms are a hazard, labeling is not helpful for me. Co-dependency, shame, etc, I do think it's right and biblical for a man to want to be with his wife and for his you to want to be with your husband. I think there is no shame in that. God said "It is good when Eve was given to Adam".
The way I get attention from my wife is...well, I just pray and wait for her. Sometimes I ask and I do get rejected. Christ was rejected and knows how you feel. I don't want to play the victim because in my marriage, it was me who ruined it, not my wife. I will just pray and wait for my wife. I hope you can pray and wait for when your husband wants you too.
Please pray for wisdom on how to talk to your husband.
Please do not be mad or upset if you don't get the reaction you want. He might be in a whole swing of different moods depending on how difficult the day was.
In my former counselings, my counselor told me that I need to tell my wife my needs. I have told her, well asked her.
When can we be together?
She interprets this as 's-x' and I say "I am not only talking about 's-x' but I want to just be with you, you don't make time for me anymore, I want to take walks, go on dates, and she is giving me excuses. We had arguments a lot. I know I am bad in my past so I have to right I feel but I do say "why do you enjoy playing your video games at night with your friends and your always laughing and joyful and I can't even make you happy, what's wrong with me? Am I making you mad? Am I hurting you? Am I sinning? Do I stink? What's wrong with me now?" We fight a lot, not everyday, like today, but some days, just takes one weird look, one comment and the whole day is ruined, sometimes, three days in a wrong for one wrong thing I said a few days ago.
I have asked for counseling but she resists me.
She suggested we do family counseling but later told me that I was the one who has the problems,
We fight, get past it. I don't know how to give advice like this for a women, but for guys only. Sorry if this is not a match.
My believe is this.
To my wife, if she wants me, she can have me, but if she avoids me, what is wrong with me? or what is wrong with her?
Here is my honest feeling about what is wrong with me.
1. I am a sex addict
2. I am a dog
about her
1. she is crushed in her heart
2. she probably has not forgiven me or to the entext where we are a happy couple
but we get by somehow.
Counselors are supposed to intervene and be able to talk for both sides. I like the idea of a Pastor and his wife to counsel you and your husband if you are both willing. If not, perhaps Blazing Grace, if not Blazing Grace, just pray and both you get down to "What is wrong? How do we fix this? and with the idea of "fixing ourselfs" and not the "other person" because it will argue.
Please forgive me if that all offends, I am seriously not trying to .
Also, when my wife is super upset or just upset, I ask,
What did I do wrong this time? and I try very hard very very hard to understand what exactly she is talking about. We have a language barrier. Her english and my japanese is not great so we struggle just talking so that is another bump, but we can manage with prayer and humbleness and God's change.
When I say "I give up" I am not leaving her, I am praying for her and do be able to have the strength to not take what she tells me with so much pain as I was before. She is not perfect, She is going to offend me, I have to let her talk to me and just vent. and try to get the message out of her. Afterall I have done, it's the least I can do, is take her venting at me.
I think you have a right to "speak the truth in love" and not 'demand' but express, describe, explain,. I don't think that is co-dependency.
To be co-dependency is like
Where were you?
Can we talk? (in like some anxious, or worrysome way like I need you more than God himself)
One thing I learned in counseling is this...
we can't change anyone, but we can only control our thoughts and our actions. I keep telling myself this. why? Because how my wife reacts doesn't mean I have to react in negative ways. If Christ was spit on, mocked, and said nothing....so with the power of the Holy Spirit and you submitting your will to Him, God can work in your life it that moment, the way you need to, and it will be kind and gentle and not in the 'flesh'. If you feel you have to say some strong words, try to be calm and say the words in love.
I tell my wife, I need to be with you. We need our time, We need to kindle the flames again. this is all normal I think.
If we grow cold, then temptations are more stronger against our spouse. I feel.
Praying for you.
One more thing about co-dependency, regardless of that term, but if you feel that the Holy Spirit (God) is telling you that you are relying too much (and this is where some might call co-dependancy) then just tell the Lord, confess, and ask for help and move on. In our life with God, we are sometimes closer or farther and get easily stumbled and the devil laughs.
I honestly do not my wife depending on me, codependent, or making me a god, and I don't want to depend on my wife, codependent, or make her out to be a god too. There is line but the Holy Spirit convicts of our sins, and the accuser of the brethren 'accuses' us. If you are being lead back to God, that is good, but if you feel the shame, and far from God, ask yourself, does God want that? no, of course not, so that shame, and far feeling is not from God but an attack of Satan, You can rebuke the enemy in the name of Jesus Christ. "As for me and my wife, we shall serve the Lord" the Bible says and "get out Satan, you are a defeated foe, greater is He that lives in me than he that lives in the world", like that. Amen. Glory to God.
praying