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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 1:20:31 GMT -7
I fell into pornography... again... after being so sure that I would never do this... It is strange. I know in my mind that it is wrong, and that there may be consequences to sin... but why... do I do it?
It starts out slow for me... innocent videos here and there on youtube on dating or some other topic... Then one video will invariably excite me... then I start watching rated R movies... telling myself I will not look when illicit scenes come on... that I will turn my head... but then invariably something I see a glimpse of... then it's like I stop even trying not to see... then several R illicit movies later I progressed onto the hard stuff... and I think I tell myself... might as well gorge on it... since I fell already, might as well see as many as possible since I will not have opportunity to see it again... then I stop eventually due to exhaustion.
Why do I do it...? I know the scenario in my mind... that invariably the innocent videos will turn to the not so innocent... but I excuse myself... saying the sweet lie to myself that I won't see it. And many times I don't see it... even if I play the dangerous game... but out of the many times I play the game I eventually fall... and many times I have fallen over the years... many times... yet I told myself the lie and allowed myself to believe it...
I need accountability. I am new in a city. No friends... no girlfriend or wife... family's in another place... I find myself alone on the weekend when the hustle and the bustle of the weekday is quieted... Alone and especially when I am feeling down... as if hopeless.... I think that's when I turn to porn... i.e. to the movies which sometimes turn to porn... I am not even going to church... telling myself it's Ok... or rather I am not worthy enough to be around Christian "holy" people... that I have fallen so many times... I even fell into fornications... 3 times... I am older now... and I sometimes lose hope that I will ever get married and have my own family... I feel so far away from God... it's been so many years since I've stepped in a church... though I watch services online all the time... I feel I have failed God so much... that He could never use me... that He is at most just tolerating me...
I am sorry... I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry... (that is 7 times). I really am...
How does this accountability work...? Please keep me accountable... especially those days I feel all hope is lost... please pray for me that I would be healed. I am confessing my sins to you all... even if behind the veil of the internet.... I am repenting.... I don't want to end up in hell...
Sometimes I feel there is a part of me that is trying to mess up my life... that is how I feel sometimes... that when I claw and scratch my way up to some level of success, purity, or the realization of goals (whatever... it may be, marriage or workwise or whatever...) that I seem to run into one of these failures... and somehow I seem to sabotage myself... Pray that I will be healed... that there is hope yet for me for a life... for marriage... for serving God...
I am sorry... I realize now I need help... please help me...
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 1:35:30 GMT -7
Even if I have messed up my life beyond repair... and I never get married or come to success or fulfill God's purpose destiny in my life... I want to stop sinning... sexually or otherwise... God help me... I am sometimes afraid even to make such goals or decisions... b/c I was afraid that I would mess up myself... it seemed I would fall in the past after a high or after everything went well or I succeeded, like a crash after a high... but I pray I will not crash and burn... please pray for me, please forgive me for my sins in the name/person of Christ... please help me... I am sorry...
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 1:40:08 GMT -7
Also it sometimes feel like I go to those videos... I mean like rated R movies... to prove that I will not watch it and resist it... It's almost like I am trying to undo my past sins... like trying to "prove" myself... but sometimes I will succeed, but then eventually I will fall... I don't want to prove myself anymore... I am to "flee" from fornication whether in the body or just in my mind's eye... if I am to "prove" anything, let God prove me, i.e. transform me... And God forgive me for my sins and remove my guilt... I can never "undo" my sins, my guilt. Only God can cleanse me by the blood of Christ and release me from the guilt of my sins... and transform me to set me free and enable to not sin again... So help me God. Pray for me that I would be healed and forgive me in the person of Christ... I do ask God to forgive me though... Amen...
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 1:41:17 GMT -7
I also ask God to heal my body... please agree with me on this... Thnks...
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2016 6:57:15 GMT -7
It sounds to me like you may have finally come to the turning point in this fight if you are truly ready to let God prove you and are done with trying to prove yourself. You need to realise that you are weak in this area and flee from it to our Lord. You need to setup boundaries for yourself. For me that meant giving up most TV and movies and asking 2 family members to be my accountability and prayer partners. I have been sober 8 years but it has been a fight especially in the early days. We need to lean on God for the strength to resist and we must turn our minds from wrong thoughts back toward God. We need to learn how to do this. It is a process which involves bible reading, praying, accountability, leaning on God etc.
I have alerted some of the men to your thread. Hopefully they can offer you some concrete advice of a guy's point of view.
I am praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 7:55:10 GMT -7
Thnk you for your prayers. I am committing myself to live pure in all manners sexual including self-gratification. I bind all demons that have attacked me in Jesus' name and command them to leave and never come back.
Today is day 1.
Thnks.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2016 12:37:19 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 8, 2016 15:39:29 GMT -7
Dear Lord,
Please watch over our brother, freever. Thank you for his desire to please you. He knows that he's fallen short of your righteousness, but we see his desire to change. And you see it too, Lord. May he understand your unconditional love for him. He is forgiven because of your son. Thank you.
Father, we know that he just wants to stop, but he can't. Help him, Lord. Help him to find friends; help him to find a church, too. You have so much in store for him. May You show your presence to him in a big way. Thank you, Lord. We pray and receive this in Jesus' name. Amen
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 13:29:09 GMT -7
Hi Freever, The way to freedom is not difficult with the Lord and impossible without Him. It's so difficult to quit because of the devil. Every addict is a slave of devil because in the past they chose to be on devil's area a lot. Pray to Jesus every time you are tempted. Don't avoid church, Jesus came to the wicked, not to the just.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 2:10:16 GMT -7
I fell into sin again today. I am not sure why, but I was resisting for a few weeks and then bam. I just gave in, and when I did I just gorged myself on it. I feel pretty bad b/c I just do it, repeat offender, and I just ask G for forgiveness and I expect him to forgive me for it. I just feel pretty bad about that. But I guess there may be consequences. I feel pretty hopeless sometimes about it. How can I believe God for a way out when I keep on repeating this sin. I have given up hope that I can do this in myself. G not only forgive me again... but deliver me from this... from pornography... b/c I have proven that I cannot do this on my own. May be it's just lack of fear of G. Or may be it's just something wrong inside... Can I be a Christian, a new creature, and keep on doing these things...? Why? I feel like a kid who messes things up and asks my parents to clean up the mess I made. Where is responsibility. Why I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I knew I should stop, but it's like why I didn't stop? It's not that I didn't have the ability to just turn it off and walk away. I did. If I didn't I would be less at guilt. But I did it expecting in the back of my mind that I would just ask for forgiveness. May be I lost all hope... that I didn't even have anything to lose at this point... even if there are consequences... b/c I just didn't see any hope in my life... that somehow I would fulfill his destiny in my life, that I would one day be married and have a family of my own... b/c I've messed it up so much with my repeated sins over the years... so many when you count them up over the decades...
Can I really stop and be free..? I sin and then I make up my mind to stop, but then I come back to it like a dog to his vomit. G please deliver me... b/c I don't think I can do it anymore I don't think I have right to trust myself anymore. Please free me from these sins. In H name.
I am sorry... really really sorry. Forgive me. And set me free.
(Posting as is... my thoughts as they are...)
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 18:07:15 GMT -7
Hi freever. It's a good thing that you are sorry. Admitting your helplessness to overcome is the first step. Many addicts think that being a Christian is all that is required to be set free. This isn't a salvation issue this is a sanctification issue. That's means dying to your old nature day by day. God doesn't wave a magic wand and heal us without any effort on our part. We need to avail ourselves of opportunities for God's grace. Counselling, small group, church community, accountability, recovery groups, therapy etc. are all opportunities. I would recommend finding a SA group in your area and reading some books or watching you tube videos by Patrick Carnes. Keep checking in so we can pray for you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2017 7:15:06 GMT -7
Log:
I fell into sin last week (again...). And I am feeling really bad inside. While watching them... it's like I don't care... but afterward it feels like all the junk I feel like throwing them up... and I do...
I feel that I am making progress though... not that that makes any excuse for falling last week...
I've been keeping a log of how long I go between "episodes". By noticing the pattern I think I can keep vigilance around "weak" times...
Also I've noticed that for me the weak points is youtube. I used it for innocent purposes... but at times of "weakness" I would use it to search for "soft" porn, which would lead to "hard" ones at other sites...
So I am starting to use porn blockers... I've blocked out youtube completely for the time being... I am thinking of using NetNanny... seems like a good blocker... but costs money... also there doesn't seem like there is a blocker that's 100% effective. I know I can still find a way to watch youtube if I really wanted... but it prevents habitual "looking" that may lead to serious sins...
Above all I feel I should rely on God to help me stop this sin completely 100%...
Wow I really feel bad inside now... I know right now I feel like I will never watch that kind of stuff again.... it's just I need to find a way to prevent it at any times of "weakness". I've also noticed a pattern. I seem to have felt "despondent" just before sinning in the past... I guess I need to watch out for that in the future... I "need" to be watchful of any such feelings in the future... as well as "physical" weakness for such things in the future... by keeping vigilance for such cues, I should be able to seek help at any such times and put this sin out for good...
I am sorry for sinning (failing) last week.... but I should not (cannot) let that stop me...
Thnks.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2017 8:12:41 GMT -7
Free when you notice your warning signs, go to God and stay in God until it passes. It won't be easy and you will have to fight yourself but you can do it. Keep fighting and good job at picking yourself up of the ground and continuing on.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 5:40:44 GMT -7
I logged in back after long time. I just saw your reply Amymine712. Thnk you.
But the reason I logged back in was... I fell again. Wow. I thought I'd never do it again, but here I am. What a hypocrite, right? When I thought Jesus was going to return, I didn't do it, but now that the days have passed... I guess I felt it was alright to sin... again.
Jeeze. I am using the same computer I used to sin, now to log into blazinggrace after an eon it seems...
Thnks. For your support, and for your prayers... I need it.
I think (to be honest) this masturbation-fast is not working for me... Trying to fast, I think contributed to me falling into perhaps the greater sin of pornography... and in the end I committed masturbation as well.
Well I lasted like 42 days before I had to "do it".
But waiting that long... I was like feeling crazy toward the end... and eventually I committed porn as well as "m" anyway. It was surreal. Like watching myself in the third person... interjecting every once in a while "Shouldn't you stop"? But what did it matter... You saw one nasty frame... does it matter 100 more..? But I was no longer abhorred at myself... this was practically well familiar to me now as I had repeated this sort of act numerous times...
But honestly... don't mean to create an excuse... but if I had "relieved" myself promptly when I was feeling myself coming into that "pressure" (you see I am not married)... then I think perhaps I would not have committed the "p". Is that bad? An excuse...? But really I don't think so (this wasn't the first time either this happened in this way). I think I am being practical.
I am not saying I am going to commit "m" at will any time... but I think if I am feeling edgy and pressured, because it's natural cycle of time, then I'd rather commit the "m" to stop myself from committing the "p".
I think another reason was rejection... I recall an incident that initially caused me to resort to some "soft" "p"'s (rated R). But that stirred me up and while I put up a fight that probably lasted a week... trying not to do the "m"... eventually the pressure built up so much, I found myself doing the "p". I was kind of beating myself up on the inside... why didn't you just do the "m" so as to halt the "p"? I am not sure... like I said it was like being in the third person...
At any rate I am sorry. I sinned again. I confess to you (guys)...
Wow, how could I have descended into this lowly state. Wasn't I supposed to be some sort of great Christian or something... How could I have fallen so far...?
(If any replies... I think I am going to log in sooner this time... and read and perhaps respond... Thnks...)
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Post by Will on Nov 6, 2017 5:18:16 GMT -7
Hey Freever! Well your honest post really helped me. I have so been there! (And still sometimes am, and may well be again) Your 42 days is about the most I've ever managed as well. For what it's worth, here's a couple of thoughts that came to my mind when reading it: " but if I had "relieved" myself promptly when I was feeling myself coming into that "pressure" (you see I am not married)... then I think perhaps I would not have committed the "p"." Definitely don't think this is the way to go. In my experience (after having been through a lot of the same thought processes - is it better to do this as its not as bad as that, etc), I have found that its ALL part of the same thing. There's no percentage whatsoever in trying to focus on this part of it or that part of it. After many years struggling with trying to 'categorise' 'inappropriate' content, really the only thing I found that worked is 'zero tolerance'. That is, anything at all that is part of indulging in lust is just as bad as any other part. So even wandering eyes when you see someone on the street. Or looking lustfully at a female character on a TV show. Or even fantasy within your own head. Its all the same, and its all bad. When I realised this, it really helped. "I think (to be honest) this masturbation-fast is not working for me" From reading your descriptions, I get the impression that, like me for a long time, you see it as being at least partially a PHYSICAL 'need' or requirement (in that comment you compare it to food - like a fast). I don't think this is correct. What I have learned is there is NO physical component to this at all (I know - hard to believe). Its ALL spiritual. Now I have to say that twice in the last 3 wks I have had 'nocturnal emissions', which is not great. Guess you could argue that's the physical 'need' manifesting. But I still say not really. We're not 'fighting' our bodies in this. We're fighting a sinful desire for rebellious, unhealthy perversion. That's not a physical requirement. A big thing for me is to learn that living a Godly life - seeking God's love and communion with Him, and His blessings and a closer relationship with the Lord Jesus, is NORMAL. That is the healthy, normal way to live. It's not some kind of exception or sustained effort. I know Kevineskay has a term for that kind of 'willpower'- based 'abstinence', he calls it 'white-knuckling', and says that it only works for a short time. I'm convinced that we shouldn't be 'abstaining' from something, as this is inherently temporary, but instead we should be 'buying in' to a permanent life walking with the Holy Spirit as our guide and companion. That's better than any physical thing there is. And going constantly to the Lord for replenishment, and sustenance and strength. So its not something we're 'not' doing, it's something we 'are' doing! Don't focus on us, focus on Him! www.allaboutgod.com/attributes-of-god.htm"I was like feeling crazy toward the end... and eventually I committed porn as well as "m" anyway. It was surreal. Like watching myself in the third person... interjecting every once in a while "Shouldn't you stop"? But what did it matter... You saw one nasty frame... does it matter 100 more..? But I was no longer abhorred at myself... this was practically well familiar to me now as I had repeated this sort of act numerous times..." Wow this is so recognisable to me. This really makes me think about the demonic side of pornography. Basically, it is mind-control. The more we do it, the more it becomes an unthinking thing that seems to do it itself. I really had to face this a couple of times. It helped me to see this as an outside attack - something is literally trying to MAKE you do this. I do believe this is really the Truth. For this, we need deliverance, for where we have allowed this kind of evil a place in our lives. We have to cut that off and claim healing in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I recommend reading a Psalm aloud (I like 38 and 91, but they are all good!). Also the phrase "I am redeemed by the Blood of the Lamb out of the hand of the enemy" is a good one to repeat over yourself (as in this article about Passover: www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word.html?ID=8617). Also check out the great videos about this on this Youtube channel: www.youtube.com/user/DavidKyleFoster/videos?view=0&sort=da&flow=grid. Finally saying the Lord's prayer out loud is also a great strengthener - that's what He told us to pray! God bless you and keep you!
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