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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 11:49:15 GMT -7
So I am new here. And this is my story.I found a pornography site up on my husband's phone at the beginning of June. I thought it was just a mistake as I thought when I seen it up before when my brother was using my husband's phone. My brother come to me and showed me I was all like "what? No my husband's not like that" my brother tried a little more but I was certain it was an accident. So I assured my self and him. But now back to June there it was another one of those sites. I jokingly showed my husband his phone (nudity was not seen)and said do you have something to tell me. Well he did. He put his head down and said I have looked at things online that I shouldn't have. My heart broke.I was in shock and I couldn't believe it. This man that I've been married to for four years has been doing this? Who was he I didn't know this person. This was so shocking to me the first year of our marriage we did children's ministries and everything was wonderful. But then we moved acrossed town I knew he changed then but I just thought it was stress from work as his job changed also. he was angry all the time with a short temper. We stopped children's church. My marriage spiraled downward I walked on egg shells because the smallest thing would set him off.he was just in a bad mood day and night. Sometimes he would revert back to the man I knew and loved but the next day he would be back at it. He wouldn't make love to me anymore. I have a very high sex drive i have never denied him and I do anything in bed he wants but it came down to me begging to get him to make love with me. So then he would make love to me once a month(this was not going well with me and my very high sex drive) but afterwards I would want him to hold me, he wouldn't. I would beg him to love on me some afterwards but he wouldn't,then I would hurt and start to cry and he would just roll over with his back toward me I felt used and worthless.this went on for three years. If I called him out on anything it was a huge fight with him yelling and cussing at me at one point he hit me. then we would work things out he would apologize,and say that he was going to do better, I fully believed him everytime. And every time I would be hurt he didn't stick with it. We moved again I thought this is great this is going to help because new house new environment he will not be so stressed.but it didn't it was three month's before I got him to have sex with me and I got him to only because I said he could just have his fun and be done anvd not have to do anymore for me. Well from that night I got pregnant(i was so excited we had tried to before he changed and was unable to)but then a little down the road I woke up in the middle of the night in aweful pain, we lost the baby. My husband was cold to me I had no one. I cried and prayed a lot because I knew I still had God. About a month later he is being sweet all the other things he did just stopped and the love making picked back up big time. That's when the conversation in june happed.I have seen such a change in him. We have read a book,we have watched videos of women that use to be in the porn industry and listen to them speak of how bad it really is for them,we have talked about everything but then I ask him if there is anymore he says no and then two weeks after I have asked I find out more and confront him with it. He doesn't come with the full truth right away,but then does and tells me even more then he says that there is no more and every time I end up finding out more. Sometimes I have found out more just because I had a bad feeling. I don't feel I can trust him is there anyway to bring back the trust? It's so hard for me to to trust that he has stopped. He reverted back to what he was about two days ago but is better now. I just don't know how much more I can take. Part of me just wants to get in the car and go.but the other LOVES him to much to leave, I know what a awesome person he can be but I don't think I can take it again. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it this is my only outlet other than God and my husband. Thank you for taking the time to read all this.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 16:48:55 GMT -7
Welcome to BG SP and I know and understand your pain! My Christian hubby was addicted to porn for over 11 years with relapse after relapse.
I finally separated from him and we've been separated in the home for over a year now.
I had to make a list of what he had to do in order for me to stay married to me: 1. Porn blocking software on ALL internet devices including phones. I am the admin and I bought Covenant Eyes for only 14 bucks a month and it can go on all devices. 2. He has to attend Celebrate Recovery and find a sponsor for the rest of his life.
I am SO sorry you lost the baby, hon.
I am glad you came on here and were brave enough to share your story. Feel free to private message me with any questions. There are tons of books and Mike Genung has written several articles for both the wives and husbands.
It's been a long day for me here and I'm on the East Coast. I hope to talk to you some more tomorrow.
God Bless and I'll be praying for you both.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 17:19:44 GMT -7
I am sorry you are experiencing what this addiction does. I have been on both sides of this issue. Most recently as a wife of a porn addict. I won't go into too much detail because my story is on this website for you to read if you feel like it.
Thank you for coming forward and talking about your story. It takes courage to face this issue head on. I hope our small community is able to offer you the support, love, guidance, and knowledge you need to get through these next several months.
Let me address your questions about trusting your husband again. Can you trust him...that is something you will ultimately have to decide. I would caution you about blindly trusting in what he says...but I think you are at least starting to realize that. Addicts lie to cover their sin and shame. If you want to give him a chance to prove he is changing, set down some ground rules like HS3 did. I also did the same. He will have to earn back your trust and only you can decide if that is possible. Look at his actions, do not listen to his words.
Now on to your safety.... Uhh he hit you and he is still standing?!? Are you safe? You should not be in a relationship with someone that is abusive and unfaithful. My ex left bruises on my arm and I divorced him for and the porn. The porn gave me a biblical reason for the divorce but had he not gotten physical I would still be fighting for my marriage. Porn addiction can be overcome if the addict wants it. I have been porn and MB free for 8 years. I still have urges but God gives me the strength to withstand and I choose not to go back there. It was not easy breaking free...took me a year or better to finally give it up and only God got me there.
You are in a difficult situation and must make some hard life changing decisions. Stay close to God and trust what He is telling you to do. I will be praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 19:31:23 GMT -7
Thank you for responding to my post. Since finding out in June my husband hasn't looked at pornography but has admitted to looking at other women at Times, mainly if things between him and I are not ok.He said that God has changed his heart when it comes to pornography and he said he is fighting looking at other women and that sometimes when he does it's before he knows it(like before he realises it) he has looked but when he realises it he stops before it turns to lustful thoughts . I had read about covenant eyes before and he really wants it, he is afraid of temptation with having the internet.He actually had me turn it off his phone ,I put it back on yesterday so that he can become a member on here and we have been reading the articles for awhile now. He also has an app on his phone called the marriage app and it is helping also.As far as my safety he only it me once two years ago (i know once is still not ok) he still feels terrible for it, and it wasn't hard but was across my face(no marks) but if I every had to I could take him down easily.I really don't think he will ever hit me again. He is doing so much better than before in every sense and he is happy now that the pornography is gone. He told me he would cry after looking at it , he felt like he didn't deserve me and that he thought about killing himself a lot almost everyday in the past. I am just worried that he is going to go back to it and if he does I don't think I will be able to stay with him . Some of his friends and his mom told him it was ok to look at other women, He doesn't agree with then and told them so . He is now going to stop taking their advice! Things are strained between his mom, his friends and i because for those three years he lied to them about me. He had lied about me again two days ago to even more people and they are all judging me on lies. I felt overwhelmed and like everyone was against me, I started hyperventilating and I couldn't stop my hands started going numb and tingled I was scared.I try not to get angry with him but I have supported him so much over the years trying to help take off what I thought was stress and he has only worked on ruining me. Then he says he has changed but he still lied about me two days ago when we were arguing, he said that he is going to tell everyonethat he has lied to for three years about me the truth now and how I have supported him and been a good wife. I am sorry that I am posting such long things to read THANK YOU for reading and responding
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 4:56:20 GMT -7
Yeah, the hitting thing concerned me too. The best book on porn addiction geared towards the spouse is "Your Sexually Addicted Husband" and it's written by women who have been through it before. I didn't realize that once I found out, symptoms of Trauma and PTSD kicks in as well as other symptoms like nightmares, which I still have occasionally. Here is the link on Amazon. www.amazon.com/Your-Sexually-Addicted-Spouse-Partners/dp/0882823094/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1443786495&sr=8-1&keywords=your+sexually+addicted+spouse+bookI refer to it over and over again and have it all marked up. The only way I felt safe and the only way I felt like he could earn my trust back was by having PB software on every device he uses. He even found a phone and looked up porn while we were seperated, that's how addicted he became. He would even look me square in the eye and lie about having the phone. It was my son that heard the phone reading the Bible in the spare room my H was staying in and he brought it to me. He was so traumatized too. He can even barely talk to his dad anymore and my H has the audacity to complain. I told him you not only hurt their mother, but you hurt your children too. When the H does porn, Satan gets a foothold in the home. If you can, read some of the stories of the struggles with my oldest. In the past 2 years, we've dealt with eating disorders, having the cops show up at our home b/c she txtd a friend she was going to swallow pills and kill herself (this happened three weeks after my H lost his job) and her cutting herself. I should've put my foot down sooner instead of constantly threatening it and then not following through when he relapsed again. Oh, you can try Covenant Eyes one month for free.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 5:05:53 GMT -7
Sounds like you had a panic attack. I am on meds b/c I started having panic attacks two years ago. I have read that many women end up on meds b/c of the shock and trauma. I JUST couldn't take my life with him anymore. Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Have you looked up to see if there is a Celebrate Recovery in your area? I admit we haven't been for over a month, but I'm recovering from a brief stay in the hospital.
I am sorry to hear he is lying about you. My in laws tried to break up my marriage and we moved 1000 miles away from them. Even then they tried stuff and we changed our ph number for over a year to teach them a lesson.
Don't feel bad for long posts. You can vent as much anger, hurt, sadness..etc whenever and however long you want. You should read some of my posts when my H has P'd me off lol.
I really do think there should be PB software on there and with you as the admin, he can't remove it and you'll get a weekly update on what he's looked up. I just don't trust my husband to be on the net w/o a filter and neither does he.
I'm glad you've both read the articles. And you're right, he has to chose porn or you.
There is also a weekly prayer group you can sign up for. I haven't had the time to participate, but check it out.
I do miss my Celebrate Recovery meetings and am going to try and go tonight since I slept halfway decent the last couple of night. There are so many women in my group who have PAHs.
One of my favorite verses in Scripture is that, "he is able to do above all that we ask or think."
God bless and may he work a miracle in your lives.
Oh, one more thing, the site owner has 2 books out and we own both that are geared towards the PAH. It helped me to understand where he was coming from.
I also found out when I first caught my H that he was sexually abused at age 5 by a relative. That's a pretty common thread in SA. I was also told that if my hubby doesn't find out WHY he does porn, he'll never quit.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2015 14:59:02 GMT -7
Please listen to and follow HS3's advice. Get covenant eyes and be the admin...make sure you use a password your husband won't guess. Also be aware that most addicts get their porn off of Facebook and YouTube. There is a way to access history on YouTube to see exactly what has been viewed... not sure about Facebook.
You need to take care of yourself because this addiction affects you also. Get yourself into counseling, join a group for spouses of addicts, insist on total honesty. Your husband is a liar as are most addicts and one of the steps in recovering is being honest. He needs to come clean and start telling the truth. He may be changing but he isn't there yet. Do not believe what he says...look at his actions. I can not stress that enough. So you will hear that from me a lot.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2015 0:18:47 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2015 2:50:20 GMT -7
Sp,
How are you both doing?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2016 15:05:15 GMT -7
I am so glad to see that you are back reading through some of the old posts. I have been going through many of them myself and bumping a few to the head of the line. I hope to jumpstart some more conversations going this way.
Please let us know how you are doing and how we can help out.
Take care in God's loving arms. Jonathan
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2016 16:53:28 GMT -7
I am doing great other than being pretty sick at the moment. My husband has been taking care of me though which is nice cause before when I would get sick he would just be mean to me. My husband has been so much better than before. I thought I could never trust him again but I do trust him now and that is something he earned back.He has really made an amazing turn around. I have always loved him very much but before I was making my plan to get out.The people on this site really helped me when I had no one to talk to. My world was crashing down and I couldn't talk to anyone but the one who was hurting me which didn't help. So thank you all I don't think I would be doing so good with out that help.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 5:22:10 GMT -7
Please share this post in our answered prayers page under prayer requests. Praise God
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2016 9:57:57 GMT -7
Shattered, I am rejoicing to God for yours and your husbands progress! God is amazing and He can work wonders in us if we let Him. Continue to seek and pursue God. Thank you Lord for this wonderful work you are doing in this couple's marriage and relationship!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2016 7:21:32 GMT -7
It's not all puppies and kittens but it is vastly different from what it was. He still doesn't control his anger at times( he hasn't hit me though just to be clear). Our church is going to be doing a small seminar and they are going to go over the book victory over darkness. They had offered to go over the book with him before and to do 12 steps but he backed out. So after he didn't they said seminar and have been talking about it for months now and this last week he finally committed to go! I really think he is going to do it this time!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2016 7:48:05 GMT -7
I will pray that God strengthens and gives him the courage to step up and go.
I realize that things are still somewhat rocky but the improvement is there and that is something to rejoice about. Your husbands actions and deeds attest to the fact that God is working in his heart and he is changing. It takes time to change especially when it is facilitated by our Lord because our Lord wants the change to be permanent. We are stubborn, stiff necked, and cling to our old habbits. That makes change difficult. Keep praying. God is working.
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