Deleted
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Hello
Mar 8, 2015 10:28:41 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 10:28:41 GMT -7
Hello everyone,
I'm new to this site and new to admitting I have a problem. Truth of the matter is that I have lived with this problem for over 40 years. I first became involved in porn while in H.S. I was pretty much a loner then and had no one to tell me I was getting into something I shouldn't have. As a result, porn just became a part of my life.
Now, some 40 years later as I turn 60, I am beginning to realize just how destructive and mind warping my involvement with porn has been. I am on my third marriage and it is not going well. I now see how degrading my porn affliction has been to my wife or I should say, I am beginning to see how degrading it has been.
I have recently turned my life over to God and with God's help, I am tackling the porn problem. I also just found a local chapter of SexAholics Annonymous and plan to start attending meetings this week. With God's help, I know I can recover. But recovery is not enough, I want to understand what this affliction has done to me and I want to help other people struggling with the same affliction.
Anyway, that is a bit about me. I'm a broken old man as a result of my involvement with porn.
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Deleted
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Mar 9, 2015 4:29:50 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 4:29:50 GMT -7
Broken Old Man (BOM), Welcome to BG, I am one of a couple of moderators on the BG forum. Your story is more common than you may know. Porn drives men, and women, into isolation as any sin thrives more in darkness than in light. Typically anger will increase with more and longer porn use. Your brain rewires itself and its chemistry becomes altered which leads to all sorts of personality issues and problems. The good news is that it can all be reversed no matter your age by God's intervention, the work of the Holy Spirit, and the saving grace and work of Christ on the cross. You, however, have to contribute a willingness to change, put forth effort, and be solidly determined to follow through on God's instructions from the Bible and as put forth by godly men or women who want to help. It seems you have that desire but only you and God will know for sure and ultimately the fruits of the spirit will exhibit themselves in your changed behavior. There are three resources I suggest as part of that effort and work you need to do and they may answer more of your questions. 1) Certainly check out more of the Blazing Grace (BG) web-site which highlights many good articles, blogs, and Mike's books. 2) Check out the free and biblical on-line 60-day purity course through through Setting Captives Free at www.settingcaptivesfree.com. 3) Check out Covenant Eyes at www.covenanteyes.com. There are really good articles and blogs here as well as access to a filtering and/or accountability systems for your computers or smart phone or tablets (probably the best available). There are also great free downloadable ebooks on various aspects of porn. We (myslef, other moderators, and members here at BG) want to help if we can so stay in touch, write back often. Blessings and may the grace and peace of Christ become a big part of your life, Nikanor |
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754 
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Hello
Mar 9, 2015 15:58:27 GMT -7
Post by KevinesKay on Mar 9, 2015 15:58:27 GMT -7
Hi BOM, Thanks for joining us and sharing your story. Welcome to your new life.  We're here to support you in any way. Please come back often. Your brother in Christ, Kevin |
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Deleted
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Mar 9, 2015 21:53:46 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 21:53:46 GMT -7
Yes BOM thanks for joining our forum.
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Deleted
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Hello
Mar 10, 2015 12:07:27 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2015 12:07:27 GMT -7
Thanks to all for the warm welcome. I do plan to stick around. I need your help and support and hope to one day be able to do the same for future members of this board. Right now life is pretty hectic, so I can't say I will be on on a regular basis, but I will be checking in. I have my first SAA meeting this coming Thurs. That should be interesting.
Nikanor I want to especially thank you for the resources. I haven't had a chance to check them all out yet, but I will.
Again, thanks to everyone for the kind warm welcome.
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Deleted
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Mar 12, 2015 5:11:53 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 5:11:53 GMT -7
BOM,
Let us know how your first meeting went with SAA. May the Holy Spirit work changes in your heart so that you see pursuing God more beautiful than all the images you've ever looked at. Pray that God may do this work in you so that you'll be amazed at what you have missed all these years.
Glad you are with us.
Nikanor
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Hello
Mar 12, 2015 7:22:39 GMT -7
Post by KevinesKay on Mar 12, 2015 7:22:39 GMT -7
I was really nervous to go to my first SAA meeting, but it was a great experience. I loved it. I made so many good friends there.
Thanks for the memories.
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Deleted
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Mar 14, 2015 12:13:07 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2015 12:13:07 GMT -7
Went to my first SAA meeting on Thurs evening. Don't remember when I have been so scared! But, God was walking with me and through his grace I found the courage to enter the meeting and introduce myself as a Sex Addict. I truly appreciated the acceptance of the group. It was nice to know I am not the only one walking in these shoes. I plan to be a regular on Thurs nights.
Today has been a rough one. I sat and listened to my wife vent for several hours. She has every right to do so, I have put her through a lot. In fact, I'm only beginning to appreciate how much I have put her through. Still hard to hear the truth. During this conversation, she gave me a new term. One I haven't looked into much yet...Intimacy Anorexia. From the little bit she read to me about it, it sure seemed to sum me up pretty well. Any of you familiar with the term? I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts.
In addition to going to the SAA meeting I have also started reading the book Every Man's Battle. The book has been quite helpful so far. One of my big issues has always been me being afraid, or choosing to not face the truth. Well this book pretty much puts it all on the line. Not easy to read about myself that way, but also a relief. Because of the book, I have entered a covenant with my eyes and my mind...I will not look upon females in a lustful manner...I will not ogle or stare. I will turn away. I will also not permit fantasy or other sexual thoughts enter and develop in my mind. When they start, I immediately shut them off. Not easy for someone who has fantasized about most women he ever met. But again, with God's help, I am making progress.
One other area I could really use some help with. For those of you that have been down this path before me, how do you ever make it up to your wife? I want so badly to make amends and I truly do not know how. I would appreciate any advice you may have.
Thanks,
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wiltingiris
Member
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Occupation: Stay at Home schooling mom
Interests: Worship ministries, Moms ministry, Awana, Childrens church.
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Hello
Mar 14, 2015 12:35:47 GMT -7
Post by wiltingiris on Mar 14, 2015 12:35:47 GMT -7
Hi BOM I am Kevinskay's wife. I am his accountability partner. This we decided should be my role since I want some closeness with him and I have his best interest in mind. Number One I also told myself no matter what he shares I will find the strength within me through God to handle it. I rather have that than secrets. My husband also has had trouble with the sexual anorexia and it made our marriage suffer lots. I was getting bitter and angry. My husband can explain a little more of this if you want to send him a PM message. I can tell you that he came up with a list to help him stay focus and in the list he included me, he also is doing the love dare and I the respect dare. We have to work on this together. When I say he included me is that he has included in his point system list a wife point dedicated to love me in any way shape or form. So in times we cannot be together in love making because of illness whatever there are other ways the love point will be used. A date, a walk anything creative that shows he got out of himself to make me feel loved. Not just was he sexually anorexic with me but any kind of physical affection so he makes sure he kisses me before he leaves anywhere and when he returns. I feel so loved by him and I am seeing a lot of thoughtfulness I did not see before and it is really working on restoring our marriage. dont give up. Takes work to build anything and time to see the fruit of your labor.
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wiltingiris
Member
Posts: 155
Occupation: Stay at Home schooling mom
Interests: Worship ministries, Moms ministry, Awana, Childrens church.
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Hello
Mar 14, 2015 12:38:39 GMT -7
Post by wiltingiris on Mar 14, 2015 12:38:39 GMT -7
P.S. I would not mind sharing with your wife if you so desire |
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Mar 14, 2015 13:14:27 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2015 13:14:27 GMT -7
Thank you for the reply Wiltin. Right now, my wife wants little to do with me. We live under the same roof, but she in her room and me in mine. I don't blame her. For many years she tried very hard, only to be shut out, ignored, and neglected by me. To use her words, she is exhausted. Right now, if she had a way to leave (finances) she would be gone. Again, I do not blame her. I want this relationship to work, but obviously I don't have much of a clue about how to do that now, especially when she is so hurt and jaded. It may be too late to save this marriage and I have come to terms with that. Regardless, I still want to make this up to her, repay her for the pain I have caused, repay her for destroying a huge part of her life. Not sure if any of this makes any sense, but it is what I'm feeling now....what I'm living.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Hello
Mar 14, 2015 14:20:03 GMT -7
Post by KevinesKay on Mar 14, 2015 14:20:03 GMT -7
Emotional Anorexia, Intimacy anorexia, sexual anorexia... Yep! That me :cool: I can sure relate to all of that, BOM. Thanks for sharing. And thank you for keeping us posted. As I said before, I loved my SAA meeting. I think you're going to find that a good part of your week. Keep pressing on, and work the steps. Don't just come to those meetings empty-handed like some of the members there. I would encourage you to demonstrate to us and your group what measures your taking to make progress. In fact, I would encourage you to put together a complete first step story of your life indicating your powerlessness and your unmanageability and share it with your group and with us. Thank you. As for your wife, she will need time to ensure that you can be trusted again. Most wives of addicts still love their spouses, and don't want to leave except as a last resort. There is more to love than just sex. I'm sure your wife knows about this. I'm certain that she is desiring you to love her on so many different levels. And I believe that she wants you to demonstrate to her that you love her more than you love sex and more than you love feeling good. God, give my friend, BOM, the strength he needs to be the man of God and the husband that you so destined him to be. May he not give up. May he and his marriage be completely restored. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. By the way, here's a 1 day chip  Keep coming back. It works if you work it! Your brother in Christ, Kevin |
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Deleted
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Mar 15, 2015 2:38:15 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 2:38:15 GMT -7
BOM,
You've had some wonderful suggestions and responses from KK and Wiltingiris. Yes, many of us have been down that separation under one roof issue as you are. Trust is the big factor. It will take time, probably considerable time to re-establish. You need to fix yourself and your relationship with God first, but you also need to fix your relationship with your wife and family. That is two different tracks and two different efforts that should be done at the same time. I fixed myself first with God and neglected or delayed any efforts at restoring trust and relationship with my wife which of course didn't play out very well. Trust comes from repetitious and constant good, loving and edifying words and actions - and being transparent, no hiding in the dark or behind closed doors if you know what I mean.
You need to spend time with your wife just discussing what you are learning or reading. Share your feelings (this is most awkward for men if not nearly impossible for some but necessary) with your wife. Ask how she if feeling or feels about specific items learned or changed in your life. Ask how you can love her better and listen to the answer no matter how difficult it is to hear the answer. Read a book together and share your thoughts on it (may I suggest The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman). Read scripture together for five to ten minutes or one or two chapters per day. Pray together out-loud to God asking for change of hearts for yourself and blessings for her.
Well, these are some initial thoughts. Read other books after you finish Every Man's Battle. It is a good starting book, but it is a beginner's book in my opinion. You need to cover so much more and go so much deeper. I lead a men's group in my church called Every Man's Battle as we started with that book nearly three years ago. If you want next book recommendations let me know and I'll gladly pass on a few next book suggestions.
I look forward to hearing more of your journey and we are all here to support you.
Nikanor
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Deleted
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Mar 15, 2015 12:38:54 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 12:38:54 GMT -7
Thank you for the response Nikanor. Yes, I would definitely like some recommendations for my "next" reading. I am just about done with Every Man's Battle. Went to Church this morning for the first time in a very long time. And, for the first time, I believe I went for the right reasons. Went to a new church...cried half way through the service. I was overwhelmed with emotion--I think for the first time I recognized and allowed myself to recieve God's grace. Wife and I talked a good bit this afternoon. Today she is looking to move out and get her own place. I don't blame her and in all honesty I think it would probably do us both some good. She has a lot of healing to do and it is hard for her to do it with us both living under the same roof. She won't be moving out in the very near term...we will plan this and make sure we can financially swing it...probably a couple three months. She sees a new counselor tomorrow, one who specializes in dealing with Sex Addiction. She wants to see the counselor as someone who has lived with a Sex Addict for the last 17 years. Will be interesting to see what comes out of that. Tonight she used the term predator when describing me...that hurt. I don't agree that I am or was a predator when we met. I believe I was insecure, afraid, and a whole lot of other things, but I don't think I was being a predator. However, I've had to admit a lot about myself here recently that i have never admitted before so maybe... I started the 60 days to purity course last night. Thanks for the link! I'm sure that will be a great help. I will, with God's help, recover from this, FOR the Glory of God. Oh, and for the record, since I turned to God, I have had no impulses to go to porn or for self gratification. I still have to train my eyes not to lust after every pretty girl I see and I am still working on turning off the lustful thoughts in my mind that randomly pop in, but I am making progress...progress I know I am only able to make with God's help. |
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Deleted
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Mar 15, 2015 12:41:22 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 12:41:22 GMT -7
Kevin, I wanted to say a special thank you to you. Your heartfelt words are sincerely appreciated. I like your idea of the first step story. I'm not there yet, but I will be soon.
Thank you again for your understanding and compassion.
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