Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2005 23:11:07 GMT -7
Hi, I'm Troy. I found this site using the Google search "christian overcoming addiction".
I AM GLAD I found this site!!! Its exactly what I was looking for!
About me:
I am a 30 year old Jamaican, I live in Kingston.
I've been a christian since I was about 11 years old and a radical one since I was 16.
I have been married now for 5 years, we have no children yet.
I've been hooked on masturbation and pornography since my early teens.
A Little History:
I always thought the problem would stop when I got married, but its gotten much worse.
In the past I would store up images flashed on TV and from skimpily clad girls during the day, then play them over in my mind at night when nobody was watching. Now I visit porn sites on the Net and watch "softcore" porn and scrambled "hardcore" porn on cable TV.
I have had a roller coaster ride in dealing with this problem:
It got worse early in marriage when my wife (due to emotional issues) lost interest in sex for a while. This made me hurt and bitter, so I sought solace in self-sex.
My wife found out - caught me in the act. She was so devastated, not just by the betrayal, but also the deception.
We prayed about it, I "repented" (though I still partially blamed her inside and didn't tell her this).
I pretended to be "fixed", but still had the problem secretly. She found out again, this time she sensed my withdrawal and asked me, I couldn't lie. She told her close friend, I shared with my close friend (husband of her close friend). It turned out he also had the same problem! We shared infrequently and didnt help each other much. Now they have migrated to another country.
I told another friend, but he thought I just needed to ensure that I have more sex with my wife. That did NOT help!
I reached a point when was doing it every day, sometimes twice a day and got very skilled at lying to my wife (she thought I was over the problem) and covering my tracks on the computer. I hit rock bottom and told my wife. We told my pastor and his wife, he has been VERY encouraging in telling me not to give up. This has saved my life because I thought I might have seared my conscience and began to hope God would allow me to die early before I wrecked everything around me.
After telling him, I was cool for a while but gradually slipped again (I had no daily accountability). I hit rock bottom again, my wife noticed a change, I told my pastor then I told her. She was hurt about the deception, I wanted to tell her but was afraid to hurt her again. My pastor is a great man, but his ministry takes him all over the world, I feel guilty about burdening him with this problem, even though he is very willing to help. I felt I needed to open up to someone close at hand (apart from my wife) - like a christian brother, but I could see the "right" person around me, since my good friend migrated. I was really too ashamed to open up to anyone else.
Right after that, in May I went on a 40-day juice fast. It was great, I restored my communication with God and saw how selfish I had become. I even lost 20 pounds!
BUT about 2 weeks after the fast.... BAM! I fell again. I was extremely depressed, I thought there was no hope, spoke to my pastor. He encouraged me to keep fighting. It was medicine to my soul.
Right now I am still struggling, I have not yet told my wife about my struggles since the fast (I am afaid). I still hurt from touchy issues surrounding my wife and her willingness to make love to me. I fast occassionally and pray often. I have at least told my wife I am still fighting, but no details, maybe she has figured it out.
I know I need accountability - that's why I searched and found this site. I have now discovered that there are MANY men (and boys) with this problem. The statistics on this site have mightily supported that discovery.
A couple of my brothers have shared with me that they are stuggling with this sin and I counselled them the best I could from my experience, but they need more and so do I. The interesting thing is we each thought we were the only ones with the problem.
Mike, since I started reading your site last night I have thought of another good strong brother I could shared with all along but I have been afraid to take the relationship to that level. I was afraid he would tell his wife and she would think me despicable, but I no longer fear that, I going to let him in.
I also realise I need to keep my wife in the loop. The systems I put in place to remove temptations from my environment will not work without her. She would need to understand why I want to cut off the cable or sell the TV. I also need her to help me be safe using the NET. I am SCARED, but I have to tell her.
The accounts shared my the wives and mothers on this site have REALLY opened my eyes and helped me to understand the depth of the pain I have caused my wife and to practically understand more how this sinful practice affects the lives of others.
I wish I had started to deal with this sin before marriage. I am relieved I have chance to take it down before we have children. I am encouraged... its not too late, though I never thought I'd see 30 with this in my life.
Also through this site I realise more clearly that I would love to start a support group one day soon because I know of others who also need the help BADLY.
Thanks MIKE, and everybody on the site - let's keep writing!
I AM GLAD I found this site!!! Its exactly what I was looking for!
About me:
I am a 30 year old Jamaican, I live in Kingston.
I've been a christian since I was about 11 years old and a radical one since I was 16.
I have been married now for 5 years, we have no children yet.
I've been hooked on masturbation and pornography since my early teens.
A Little History:
I always thought the problem would stop when I got married, but its gotten much worse.
In the past I would store up images flashed on TV and from skimpily clad girls during the day, then play them over in my mind at night when nobody was watching. Now I visit porn sites on the Net and watch "softcore" porn and scrambled "hardcore" porn on cable TV.
I have had a roller coaster ride in dealing with this problem:
It got worse early in marriage when my wife (due to emotional issues) lost interest in sex for a while. This made me hurt and bitter, so I sought solace in self-sex.
My wife found out - caught me in the act. She was so devastated, not just by the betrayal, but also the deception.
We prayed about it, I "repented" (though I still partially blamed her inside and didn't tell her this).
I pretended to be "fixed", but still had the problem secretly. She found out again, this time she sensed my withdrawal and asked me, I couldn't lie. She told her close friend, I shared with my close friend (husband of her close friend). It turned out he also had the same problem! We shared infrequently and didnt help each other much. Now they have migrated to another country.
I told another friend, but he thought I just needed to ensure that I have more sex with my wife. That did NOT help!
I reached a point when was doing it every day, sometimes twice a day and got very skilled at lying to my wife (she thought I was over the problem) and covering my tracks on the computer. I hit rock bottom and told my wife. We told my pastor and his wife, he has been VERY encouraging in telling me not to give up. This has saved my life because I thought I might have seared my conscience and began to hope God would allow me to die early before I wrecked everything around me.
After telling him, I was cool for a while but gradually slipped again (I had no daily accountability). I hit rock bottom again, my wife noticed a change, I told my pastor then I told her. She was hurt about the deception, I wanted to tell her but was afraid to hurt her again. My pastor is a great man, but his ministry takes him all over the world, I feel guilty about burdening him with this problem, even though he is very willing to help. I felt I needed to open up to someone close at hand (apart from my wife) - like a christian brother, but I could see the "right" person around me, since my good friend migrated. I was really too ashamed to open up to anyone else.
Right after that, in May I went on a 40-day juice fast. It was great, I restored my communication with God and saw how selfish I had become. I even lost 20 pounds!
BUT about 2 weeks after the fast.... BAM! I fell again. I was extremely depressed, I thought there was no hope, spoke to my pastor. He encouraged me to keep fighting. It was medicine to my soul.
Right now I am still struggling, I have not yet told my wife about my struggles since the fast (I am afaid). I still hurt from touchy issues surrounding my wife and her willingness to make love to me. I fast occassionally and pray often. I have at least told my wife I am still fighting, but no details, maybe she has figured it out.
I know I need accountability - that's why I searched and found this site. I have now discovered that there are MANY men (and boys) with this problem. The statistics on this site have mightily supported that discovery.
A couple of my brothers have shared with me that they are stuggling with this sin and I counselled them the best I could from my experience, but they need more and so do I. The interesting thing is we each thought we were the only ones with the problem.
Mike, since I started reading your site last night I have thought of another good strong brother I could shared with all along but I have been afraid to take the relationship to that level. I was afraid he would tell his wife and she would think me despicable, but I no longer fear that, I going to let him in.
I also realise I need to keep my wife in the loop. The systems I put in place to remove temptations from my environment will not work without her. She would need to understand why I want to cut off the cable or sell the TV. I also need her to help me be safe using the NET. I am SCARED, but I have to tell her.
The accounts shared my the wives and mothers on this site have REALLY opened my eyes and helped me to understand the depth of the pain I have caused my wife and to practically understand more how this sinful practice affects the lives of others.
I wish I had started to deal with this sin before marriage. I am relieved I have chance to take it down before we have children. I am encouraged... its not too late, though I never thought I'd see 30 with this in my life.
Also through this site I realise more clearly that I would love to start a support group one day soon because I know of others who also need the help BADLY.
Thanks MIKE, and everybody on the site - let's keep writing!