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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2005 5:44:10 GMT -7
This is no easy task for me. Just doing this makes me feel like i should be looking over my shoulder but im driving my self nuts and worse if i keep going this way i think i might lose control, even though i dont think i will. I really wanted to be done with this kind of thing, put it behind me and say that its not a problem anymore. But i know its better that I find people to talk to.
Some of my history.
I was an abused child by my father.
I was rased in a one parent home with a handicaped parent and brother.
I abused as a child against my sisters.
I was reabilitated in a in patient juvinalle home for offenders.
I was released from the program before identification laws.
My problem is, my mind. I can identify with alot of what has been said about lust but as you can see, Im afraid. Im living 2 lives. One of fantasy which if it was reality would make me dangerous. And one of reality which I want to grow in as a person.
Fantasy.. Porn has to become increasingly graphic and forceful inorder to provide intrest despite my feelings of guilt, self anger, and dirtyness.. I pray for help, but even when i know its wrong i go back to it. And truthfully i wonder if i havent destoryed my relationship with God.. Im having a difficult time getting my head out of this funk..
In reality i would never concider treating a person like i lust for over the web. My personal history which i guard, Isnt the only reason. I know, what the cycle of isolation and fantasy dose. And i keep hope that someday I might find a woman by gods grace. And i think thats what this comes down to.. Im so alone on a personal level, the porn and fantasys is like a hit off meth.
My sisters and extended family on my mothers side dont talk to me anymore. Not because of the past.. But because they are Jehovah's Wittnesses and I told my sisters maybe they should reconsider what hell is. ( because at the time i was talking with a prodistant at work) And to make a long story short, they considered that an attack on her religon and i became worldly. ( term for false christian and wicked people)
I just want somebody i can talk to and relate t, that i dont have to worry about being attacked from. I think if i can kick this porn and masterbation addiction I will feel like a healthier person.. I cant worship God being icky... and im at my witts end on how to deal with this (what seems to the world to be just fine as long as i dont hurt anyone else) problem with porn.
A side note. Im sorry if what i posted offended anyone.. the truth isnt always easy to look at.
Sorren
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Post by Steve on Jul 5, 2005 9:06:14 GMT -7
Sorren, thanks you posting. You are a courageous man! All I can say is, I've been there with feeling a sense of complete frustration, guilt and sorrow regarding my pornography addiction. For now, my only input is to continue to foster the idea that YOU CAN GET FREE! I'm living proof of it!  I highly suggest finding a therapist who understands the nature of sexual addiction who can help you. Be encouraged ... you can beat it ... but you can't do it alone. Enough preachin' ... thanks for writing!  -Steve |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2005 23:12:17 GMT -7
Thanks steve. To tell you the truth i felt alot better after posting. Something about getting it out and talking about things always helps me feel more centered.
I thought about a shrink, but its not cheep.. Looked in to addiction groups but they are not geared tword people in recovery.. I would feel out of place.. Like my problem with porn and masterbation with my history would be judged.
Also while in the program they accually encoraged masterbation, but not the porn that i have assosiated with.. I want to live upto higher standards God has.. I am working on a way to do it..
I think posting here was a good risk. and I think i have to find a church organisation that i can feel confortable with talking to... you see the base of my recovery is the lord. People will mock 12 steps programs, but the first part of any program like that is to admit you have a problem, and you need gods help. then seek help from others.. Most people paraphrase... by saying they pray for forgiveness, help, or someone they are concerned for.. And thats why i think something closer to Christs body would help me more than a shrink of some sort who may or may not beleive in the Lord.
I am however looking for churches that worship God by bible standards.. I accually havent been to a service in years.. I just dont know where to look.. Im open to suggestions. So ill fill you in on a few things i think about worship and God. First, I think a Cross is ok, but if they put and image of Christ on it, i think thats idoitry because of the Holy Trinity. Im not sure if i want to stay active in politics because the lords kingdom is not part of this world. I think i shouldnt celebrate Holloween because its assosiation with Spiritism. Im against woman priests, gay marrage, and abortion. I would like study groups, not just put your time in on sunday. I beleive worship of God means life style changes. But i really want to make sure the church doctrin of worship is true and correct with what the bible says.
I know i went a bit off the subject, I hope thats ok.
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Post by Steve on Jul 5, 2005 23:50:48 GMT -7
Hiya Sorren. Good morning! (I just got out of bed ... I need coffee!) A few comments: Again, I'm glad you shared and I'm convinced that what most helped me in my own recovery was the idea of confessing my sins to one another. God's healing, grace and peace comes upon us when we open up to others, admit our faults and expose the "dark secrets" we've been carrying inside for years and years. Typically, we find out that we're not strange whatsoever, and that others have experienced the very same types of hurts and pains. Now in regards to finding a good group, all I can say is, I have been to numerous sexual addiction groups in the Colorado Springs area (where I live), and I have never felt judged whatsoever. In fact, I felt quite comfortable and experienced a lot of compassion and understanding from other Christians who had the same worries about being judged or ridiculed like I was. I'm telling you, some of my best friends today are guys that I worked really hard with in my recovery! Lastly, it's so important to find a good therapist who really understands the nature of sexual addiction. There's lots of debate about masturbation in the medical/psychological community these days, but from what you described, you sound like a common sex addict with neurological and psychological features. Your masturbating very likely reinforces some of the cycles you experience with pornography. Personally, I'm disappointed in reading what your therapist told you, but unfortunately, that's not uncommon. In my opinion, you've got to find a therapist who has strong Christian values, and even at that, I would go further to say you need someone who is trained in helping people get free of sexually addictive behavior Anyway, now I'm done yapping. Let's keep the dialogue going! Take Care, Steve |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2005 14:35:04 GMT -7
God, man.. dont search for christian tharapist on dogpile... I got more hits for domination sex sites than anything i was looking for.. Maybe i should go low tech and just use the yellow pages in the phone book.
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Post by Steve on Jul 6, 2005 14:56:18 GMT -7
If you're looking for a therapist, here's a few ideas: 1) Call Focus on the Family (800-A-FAMILY) and ask for a referral in your area for someone who specializes in sexual addiction. 2) Find the Every Man's Battle web site. Contact them and they also have a referral list of therapists who have gone through their training. (I would assume most, if not all, would be Christian therapists.) 3) I'm a little biased here, but do a search on Google.com for "sexual addiction counseling" and you might find some good therapists on there. The most important thing that I want to convey to you (and what really got me moving towards freedom), is just how powerful it is for you to continue talking about your struggle. Allow the light to come in! Find a caring accountability partner. Find a group. Talk to a Christian counselor. Just keep talking about it, keep learning from others who are already free, keep reading recovery material ... it'll all start to click. Hang in there, bro! -Steve |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2005 5:27:16 GMT -7
Sorren, I know how you feel, I've been in this mess for over 40yrs or so. I gave my life to Christ about 3 yrs ago. Stopped with the pron for about the first 6 months with Christ and had a fallen one day and i felt so bad. repented of that sin and followed Christ for about another 3 months and back to pron for another day or so, then repented again was good for awhile. now i got to a point where i was doing it a least once a week for only about and hour or so then felt bad again and asked Christ for forgiveness. This kept on till i didn't have any feeling anymore. Sorren, i swear God has hardend my heart. I had no feeling for anyone or even God. Its the worst feeling you can have. Tried to pray and nothing for about 2 weeks, then last week i finally asked God for a second chance. I feel like i can talk to Him again, and He is listening to me again. I know its a battle and going to get tought but what ever you do. Do not give up on our Lord, He will help you, I mean that. Trust Him and His word. Sorry i do have to go now, please write back Ok. or anybody else. I will answer. Thank you Lord for this Web site.....jubs
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Post by mike on Jul 9, 2005 7:32:53 GMT -7
Hey Jubs -
Welcome to the boards.
That hardening you speak of is what happens when we take our heart and seer it with the hot, putrid sludge of pornography. Our heart goes hard, cold and numb, like a rock. God doesn't cause this hardening, and He never wants to see it happen to us - it's the natural consequence of what happens after we turn and worship sexual sin. I remember that feeling, and never want to experience it again.
There's a verse in the old testament where God says "I will take your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." The heart of stone is 100% our doing; the tragic part is that none of us needs to do this to ourselves. God never leaves us, and He is always holding His hand out to us to come to Him. We always have a choice between the Lord and sin. What often happens is that deep down we buy into the idea that we're a piece of junk and that God can't love us, so we turn to the counterfeits.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2005 22:49:12 GMT -7
Im sorry i havent written back in a few days.. thing is i was doing ok for about 3 days and then Im back on the web.. Its really hard for me especially after work, I was accually surfing the web when i checked my email and read the responce you all sent to me.. Thanks, it helped me stop and redirected my mind.. 3 months wow, Im lucky if i can make it 2 or 3 days. You know i guess i just keep lieing to my self, making excuses.. Like Got to check to see if the plumming still works.. Man did my body ever feel diffrent those 3 days that i abstained. And on the third day, I felt like i wanted to, so i distraced my self.... I still felt excited, So i prayed... Then i stared at a blank computer screen... And i lied to my self again... oh its been 3 days Ill see if i can look and not touch. And then there the rationalization..... I need a release, If i was married i wouldnt.. But from reading here, its not the truth...
Today i was giving in to porn but in the mist of it all, your responce brought me back to my senses.. thankyou.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2005 5:46:51 GMT -7
Well just thought i would make another post to let everyone know how im doing. My roomates and I had a huge blow out over cleaning up for a party over the week end while they were gone.
Seem my other roomate who thru the party was glad the other couple were gone because they annoy him from time to time and i started joking around about leaving the house trashed.
Well apparently he thought i was not joking and the other roomates got back early suday.... and cleaned=(
Needless to say they were angry and yet they were more angry at me because I didnt speak up about my joking around. claming i lied to them by not saying anything about it.
Well its all settled now.
As far as my sex addiction ive been better on and off these past few weeks. It seems im in more of a delayed cycle than when i started here. Just got the everymans battle book.. I think that will help. But im having problems at parties.. Im still very lonely. There were girls there that I wanted, and when they werent intrested i me but my roommate i encoraged him to presue her. She accually asked em out and he sat in her lap.. yeah... :shock:..
I guess Im becomming a bit more aggressive in meeting my needs.. but i wonder if i dont cause others to faulter by giving bad advice or trying to sound cool. the less i isolate and the more im around others gives me more oppertunity infulence others, but i want to do the right thing and get what i want. Well i have made a resolve to be more mindfull of my actions.
I showed my new book to my roomate when he asked what it was, then he flashed a xxx rated dvd cover infront of my face and walked off. To him the female body is something to admire. But i think thats just another rationalization like my once i get married ill stop.
well, post at you later.
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I highly suggest finding a therapist who understands the nature of sexual addiction who can help you. Be encouraged ... you can beat it ... but you can't do it alone.
