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Denial
Jul 4, 2005 5:22:18 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2005 5:22:18 GMT -7
A while back, I asked my husband if he was viewing porn on line and he said no. I happened upon some images that showed me that he wasn't being honest. When I confronted him again, he laughed at me and said, "I didn't say that I have never looked at porn on line." I suspect that he is downloading this stuff from his PC at work and having it e-mailed to our home PC. Is that possible? And if it is, I believe that is why he leaves so early ( an hour before he really needs to be there) and he spends his entire lunch hour in his office on most days. I have confronted him several times and he tried to convince me that I was out of my mind and suffering from undiagnosed mental disease, However, soon afterwards the things I was seen started to disappear or I could no longer open the files. I'm not very computer savey. Could he be hiding or cloaking his online activity? How is this done? I don't think he will come clean until I expose the depth of his online activity. His attitudes towards me have so drastically changed and he uses other stupid excuses so as not to spend any time with me at all. I truely love this man, but he is tearing me down piece by peice and I feel so unloved and neglected. Meanwhile, in the real world I have all kinds of men wishing to persue me and that scares and confuses me. What should I do? Eileen (lost smile)
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Denial
Jul 4, 2005 5:49:19 GMT -7
Post by mike on Jul 4, 2005 5:49:19 GMT -7
>I suspect that he is downloading this stuff from his PC at work and having it e-mailed to our home PC. Is that possible?
Yes, it's very easy to do this. He could just download the files at work and copy them to a CD, or email them to himself at home.
>However, soon afterwards the things I was seen started to disappear or I could no longer open the files.
If you have Windows XP for the operating system, click Start, then Search, then click for "files and folders." It will ask "What do you want to search for" - check the box next to "Pictures, Music or Video." Then it will ask "Search for all files of a certain type" - just check the box next to "pictures and photos", leave the file name box blank, and click "Search." It will now bring up the search results for every picture on the computer.
>His attitudes towards me have so drastically changed and he uses other stupid excuses so as not to spend any time with me at all.
What you described here and in your other emails is what happens to a porn addict - they withdraw emotionally and physically from their spouses and give their heart to worshipping the false goddess of lust, and then they do everything they can to deflect the responsibility for what they're doing. That's how powerful this junk is, and it's why so many men need to be broken before they realize they have to stop.
My advice: if you know he's messing with this stuff (which it sounds like he is), then you have to draw a line in the sand with your husband and force him to choose between you and porn. Porn is adultery of the heart, mind and soul; you would never tolerate him having an affair with another woman, and this is no different. If he's unwilling to choose it means his choice is porn. You don't have to divorce him; separation is a valid option. The time apart can show him that you mean business and won't tolerate emotional or spiritual infidelity.
As long as you're married, don't entertain thoughts of other relationships. This will add to the confusion you're already experiencing.
You and your marriage need prayer support, and you need encouragement and support from other women. I'm going to offer a phone support group for spouses in the July newsletter, (which will go out the middle of this month) and if there's enough response I'll get it going. If you haven't already, you might consider signing up for the newsletter.
I know the idea of separation sounds harsh, but from what you've told me your husband is in pretty deep. Unfortunately, when a guy is in deep it often takes a lot of pain before he comes to his senses.
You have kids, which makes this issue all the more harder. The chances are that he's corrupting your family in unseen ways already. You should get some prayer support from others in this matter before acting.
If he goes to church with you, another option would be to have several guys in authority there at your church confront him.
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Denial
Jul 4, 2005 6:06:18 GMT -7
Post by mike on Jul 4, 2005 6:06:18 GMT -7
PS - the Nuclear Option I'm advocating here is only necessary when a husband refuses to acknowledge, deal with and get help for his struggle with sex addiction.
When a guy comes to his wife, admits his struggle and then makes consistent efforts to break free from it, his wife can help best by supporting him in his efforts to the best of her ability. At the same time, she should realize she's been hurt and needs support and encouragement from others too.
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Denial
Jul 5, 2005 9:14:48 GMT -7
Post by Steve on Jul 5, 2005 9:14:48 GMT -7
Eileen, Mike's words are dead-on. I'm not even sure if "denial" is the right word. It sounds more like outright "lying". Having said that, please let us know how things are going. Are you aware that there are many groups out there for "spouses of sex addicts"? Do you have any kind of support system to help you through this? -Steve
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Denial
Jul 6, 2005 1:31:30 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2005 1:31:30 GMT -7
Dear Eileen,
I have been there. I'm new to this site and read your post. When my husband got so deep in porn I did not know either. It went from internet to real life infedility. I saw him pull away and could not figure why. We did seperate, that was the only way I could get his attention. It worked out and we are back togeather after a year of Christian counceling. BEWARE! Satan started with dad and went to 14 yo son. He's so deep and admits he can't get out. Pursue this and make sure. Satan will take 7 generations??? and where does it stop. I was lonly too and started to look elsewhere. I read a book Every womans Battle by Shannon Ethridge. It helped! I did not think my fanticizing was hurting anyone. ( I didn't actually sleep with him) God Bless and I'll pray for your family. Teammom
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