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Post by melissa on May 17, 2022 7:45:12 GMT -7
@sarahanon, I think a great place to begin is to research more on codependency and to see how it fits pertaining to you. Identifying the behaviors you exhibit would be an excellent start. I personally myself need to read up on it more too. For much of my life, I was too focused on quitting porn to really recognize The spouse's journey. Some books I have in mind to read are: The Wife's Heart by Mike Genung Codependent no More by Melody Beattie And Women who Love Sex Addicts by Doug Weiss I've learned that both sex addicts and their spouses share a root of brokenness, toxic shame. And this toxic shame leaves us to seek validation in others. That's because we feel like we're such a mistake, such a horrible person, that we reject ourselves. And we put on a false sense of self. The addict goes on to seeking porn as one of his methods to seek sexual validation from others. Meanwhile, the spouses, seek validation as well. Often times, acting codependently in relationships. The bottom line is toxic shame. We all do these things because of the shame that we carry. And if we want to release the shame, we need to stop such behaviors. Otherwise, we reinforce the shame. Will, I do believe the husband needs to work on himself a lot. And I'm concerned about his recovery not being where it should. And this has nothing to do with his wife. She's not the reason for his behavior. So I agree with you there. I believe differently about the status of the relationship resting 100% on him. If both the husband and the wife do not do their individual work on themselves. To expose their toxic shame and work with the Lord to release it, the relationship has little hope. I actually kind of like the husband. He kind of reminds me of myself. I like them both actually. And I actually find this relationship having some hope because I see two people actually willing to work on themselves. Maybe not perfectly, but the hope is still there. Bottom line, I see so many people on this forum struggling with toxic shame. And much of the time, I wasn't even aware. Looking back on old posts, I've sadly witnessed us using the forum as a way to fish for validation from other people because deep down inside, we don't value ourselves. |
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Post by melissa on May 17, 2022 8:01:11 GMT -7
Codependency can be such a negative word. Why do we tell a person who loves someone else who is in an addiction that they are “loving too much“. Why do we negatively label others who are trying to be of service. That devalues are selfless efforts and amplifies the suffering. We need to awaken from the old way of thinking to find new and positive methods. Rather than judging caregivers of addicts as codependents with pathologies of their own, Dr. Robert Weiss recognizes them as normal, mentally healthy men and women with a deep and unconditional love for their addicted partner or family member.
Celebrate your emotional dependence, offer nonjudgmental support and guidance for navigating the difficult landscape of a relationship with an addict. Come from a positive perspective we see hope instead of the despair for those of us living in crisis. Instead of blaming partners and pathologic capitalizing their behavior of codependency we need to validate and reframe the effort and provide techniques to help us heal, improve our self-care, set appropriate boundaries for our own behavior and deal with those challenges Dr. Weiss prefers the word pro dependence That is the evolution of empowerment for partners families and others affected by the addiction or illness of someone they love. There is a new and better way to support those whose lives are affected by an addict, it’s called pro dependence.
Let’s get away from the negative connotation of codependency. And move towards the healing we all need in prodependence.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on May 18, 2022 1:29:58 GMT -7
Codependency can be such a negative word. Why do we tell a person who loves someone else who is in an addiction that they are “loving too much“. Why do we negatively label others who are trying to be of service. That devalues are selfless efforts and amplifies the suffering. We need to awaken from the old way of thinking to find new and positive methods. Rather than judging caregivers of addicts as codependents with pathologies of their own, Dr. Robert Weiss recognizes them as normal, mentally healthy men and women with a deep and unconditional love for their addicted partner or family member. Celebrate your emotional dependence, offer nonjudgmental support and guidance for navigating the difficult landscape of a relationship with an addict. Come from a positive perspective we see hope instead of the despair for those of us living in crisis. Instead of blaming partners and pathologic capitalizing their behavior of codependency we need to validate and reframe the effort and provide techniques to help us heal, improve our self-care, set appropriate boundaries for our own behavior and deal with those challenges Dr. Weiss prefers the word pro dependence That is the evolution of empowerment for partners families and others affected by the addiction or illness of someone they love. There is a new and better way to support those whose lives are affected by an addict, it’s called pro dependence. Let’s get away from the negative connotation of codependency. And move towards the healing we all need in prodependence. Thank you melissa. I think you are saying it right. I don't agree with the secular terminology one bit. I would not call my wife co-dependant because that is like saying "babe, I'm the porn addict, but you have a big issue relying on me" which, to me, is nonsence. My wife, I want her to love me, and want me and I want to love her and want her. There is a Christian article on Got Questions called "interdependence which is more Christian in the approach.
One of the sad realities is that we as porn addicts often blame our wife for her "issue" to sort of bring them to our level in regards to "healing"
For example,
I need recovery but if I sort of "blame" my wife for "you need healing" in an accusational kind of way, I have failed many times saying this. Her wounded heart is not her codependancy. Her wounded heart is because of my sin idolatry and her getting the betrayal which is not copendancy as some of us addicts might "interpret".
I lean on Biblical teachings more than any secular book out there. I'm not disagreeing with anything you are saying.
Now, if my wife, becomes what the world calls "codependant", I would try to see this and not tell her this but pray for her and let the Holy Spirit speak to her heart about "me" possibliy becoming her idol as she was my idol < if that is what is meant by codependancy. But who honestly is able to tell this? I can't tell my wife "hey baby, I'm your idol, so stop relying on me", that is dumb. I can only tell my own addiction that is idolatry only, and God has revealed already to me this so the truth helps to set me free. Jesus said that.
My wife should depend on me to be loyal. My wife should depend on me to be honest. My wife should depend on me to only look at her body (Proverbs 5-7). None of that is codependency either.
My wife should expect me to sometimes buy her things to show her I love her. My wife should expect me to tell her and hug and kiss her
Now...if I am somehow lacking is some areas, it might be a "red flag" that I'm cold or something or just forgetful too. Her internal desire for me as her husband to love her back is not copendency.
I think the world uses this world in order to make the quote unquote "codependant person" feel "bad" as to "change their wrongful ways" but what I am explaining is not wrong and actually right. It's like the world wants the women to feel "Hey, your man has issues, yes, but you, honey, need to let him go and become strong, you don't need him and stop hoping in him so much, he's a man and men will play" you know this kind of worldly secular advice? I have heard it before and it sicken me.
I don't want to play.
I don't want other brothers in Christ to play. I don't want other brothers in Christ to think "God grace is cheap and I can keep on sinning and my supposed is SUPPOSED TO forgive" < that is what false grace teaches us addicts.
True Grace teaches us what Titus 2:11-15 says and that is not "codependency" to hope a man or women to be like that.
In case you are wondering I am jealous of God not getting the glory due to Him, so when I find supposed "truths" in the secular world (aka "codependency") I already know that "there is nothing new under the sun" and God has ready revealed to all of us in the Bible what exactly is needed and what exactly we ought to do and what and where the true wisdom is.
The world is very smart, but they remove "Jesus" and become "dumb" but present a package of "truth" without the active ingredient which is Jesus Christ. It's like the world saying "You need to do right" and we are all like "duh, we know but how" and they (world) have removed Jesus, (will not acknowledge Him, will not quote scripture, and disregard Him), so the world get's some truth but with no power to do it, this is why we need to have the Holy Spirit filling us after we are born-again, after we have trusted in Jesus Christ for our salvation. It's the only way, we can be rightly connected to God and others (aka "no more codependency")
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