|
Post by savagetribe on Jul 9, 2021 10:08:08 GMT -7
In my mother's womb, she prayed for me and read the word to me. My father and mother tell me stories of an Angel visiting our house and anointing me with oil. They had such high hopes and expectations. However, they would never know the depths of Satan's lies in my life and the darkness that I allowed into my life. If they would have known, I'm sure they would have helped me. I remember my Dad saying to me when I was 14, 'there's a demon in you and I will whip it out of you if necessary'. Ok, to a 14 year old, that's catastrophic. How could I tell them to truth of the perversion that Satan has planted in my life and how I've let it occur out of shame, guilt and pain? Below are the stories of my sin and the grace of Jesus in my life. - Age 5: Played Dr. for the first time with my fellow baby baptism friend (well, she was mean but that's another story). She pulled out her stethoscope and put it on my nether region. "There's a heart beat". After she was done, I told her it was my turn. She got up and immediately went into the house where a woman's prayer meeting took place and told her Mom that I touched her, when I didn't. I went and hid because I knew that there was something bad going to happen. My mother knew where I hid and pulled me from the tree and spanked me in front of all the ladies as well as made me apologize for something I did not do. I remember the girl laughing as I was being spanked and that's when Satan planted the seed of anger and sexual sin.
- Age 9-17: My parents traveled a lot in ministry so they started leaving me at the house at the age of 8. Over time, they felt that it was not wise for me to be alone all the time so they asked my brother and sister's Youth group pastor if he could watch me. He said his son was able to as he was about 2-3 years older than I was. I remember pulling up in the car and my mom told me, "you do whatever he tells you to do as if I was there. Respect your elders." Little did she know, she was sending me to an 8 year sentence of sexual sin and perversion. I was molested so many times I cannot count. It was a game to him and convinced me that it was normal behavior. He introduced me to incest, hardcore porn, bestiality and more. Anything and everything. I remember at the age of 15 having to pull him off his sister as he molested her in front of me. I told him it was wrong. That's when I started realizing the mess I was in. I'm sure you are thinking, "why didn't you stop and tell him no?" Seductiveness coupled with fear of rejection and abandonment are tools of Satan's deception.
- Age 21: Drinking became a new way of dealing with pain and sorrow. My coworker invited me over to his home for drinks. One day, I was passed out on his couch and I woke up with his girlfriend giving me a hand job. I quickly left and never went back. I thought I was done with this stuff. I asked why God allowed this to happen to me all the time and did I really deserve it. Maybe it was punishment. Again, Satan's lies.
- Age 35: After having children and telling God, we got this and nothing bad would happen again. Porn was still prevalent in my life since the age of 12 and still thought I had it handled and nothing bad would happen. Guess what, I was deceiving myself. I offended someone that was very close to me and dear to my heart several times. When God revealed to me what I was doing, I cried out to him and asked him to remove this darkness from my heart. I felt an evil presence leave me and asked the person I offended for forgiveness. They accepted but as you would guess that wouldn't be over. Porn still ruled my life and my joy.
- Age 47: After my Dad died in 2018, God started working on my heart. It got so bad that I was frozen in bed. God revealed to me that I have not made Christ Lord of my life and that I made sexual sin lord of my life. I cried out to God and said that I have tried to quit so many times and have failed. I don't have the strength and am weak. If you are the deliverer you say you are, take this sin from me. Change my life. Then I looked up and said, "Jesus, I asked you in my heart at the age of 5 before I was first molested, since then it has been a living hell. However, I missed one key component. I never asked you to be Lord of my life or wanted you to be Lord of my life. This sin has consumed me and I'm ashamed. I betrayed you and now look at where I am, in the gutter of lust, sexual sin and perversion. Please Lord, heal my heart, remove this sin from me and be Lord of my Life." To preface, masturbation was on average 2-6 times a day. I would be able to visually strip people down in my mind 9 people at a time easily. I could do that in a crowd per second to find the one that gives me the best rush, drug affect and then lust after her all day in my mind. This happened regularly. But you know, after saying the prayer to God and crying out, he removed my desire for pornography, masturbation and most of the lust. I had to develop skills from God to help take thoughts captive thanks to the 8 week course at Blazing Grace and restoration ministries.
Now fast forward to January 2021; I was frozen in bed and God removed the vale of blindness from my eyes and showed me what I was missing in my relationship with my wife. Also, all of the bad things that were done to me and those that I have done played like a movie in my head over and over. God told me that I needed to confess and ask for forgiveness to my wife or I would never have an intimate relationship or a real relationship. After a few day, I confessed and asked for forgiveness to my wife, my family and my friends. God immediately showered me with friends that wanted to help me and my sister and brother as well. My son forgave me about my deceit and bad behavior towards others and we now have more meaningful relationship talking about God and his life's journey. God has blessed me with an awesome son. However, my marriage suffered great loss. I prayed and wanted reconciliation but that is not in God's design at the moment. I'm currently going through a divorce. As for my friends, most were very supportive but one did not. One of my friend's who has been a friend to me and my family since I was 17 years old persecuted me and wanted to kill me. This is where it gets interesting. He was molested by his step father when he was a young teenage boy and I suppose because he harbors pain lashed out at me. But before I called him, God told me after he redeemed me, saved and freed me from this sin that I would be persecuted not because of me but because of what he did for me. Many Christians put sin in categories and rank. To them, this would be a category 3 hurricane. But that's not scripture, God doesn't weigh sin. What does Christ say several times throughout his ministry in the Gospels? "Forgive for I have forgiven. If your brother or sister confesses and repents, you are to forgive them and lift them up." For Christians in the Church, this message is one of the hardest things to do but is the cornerstone of our faith. Forgiveness exudes the fruits of the spirit. Sermon after sermon, song after song, saying yes Lord I can forgive, I'm a good Christian. When the rubber meets the road, it is the hardest thing to do sometimes. However, we forgive out of obedience. Some cannot and they will persecute you. Many of which have hurt, pain in their life and lash out. Currently, I moved to Arizona and reading the word everyday. God has surrounded me with men of God and like struggles, put a roof over my head and walking in grace everyday. I cover myself with the full armor of God everyday, practice taking thoughts captive, and giving God the glory for what he as done in my life. He has renewed my spirit and planted my feet on solid ground. He has restored my soul and given me living water. I rejoice because God is good and he is my father through the blood of Christ. I do not harbor ill will to anyone, pray for those who persecute me, pray for those that are in pain, and pray for those who struggle like I did that God restores them as well. To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2021 18:35:22 GMT -7
Thank you for sharing your story brother. Stay close to Jesus. I will write more later. gotta go now
|
|
|
Post by Will on Jul 10, 2021 0:17:52 GMT -7
You're not alone Luke
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2021 5:23:46 GMT -7
Hi Luke, it sounds like your mother was a women of God. This is really good. Not many children are blessed like that. I could relate to your story a little bit. I have seen so much and like you, it seems like, even though I believe I'm saved now and walking with Jesus, I still get these memories playing like a movie in my mind. This is where I need to remember Romans 12:1-2 and be transformed by the re-newing of my mind. I think you already know that. The part when your father said mean words about casting a demon out of you, I hope you know that he meant well but it was not said biblical and probably not in the love of Christ. I can't fault him because I have said similar too. I have also heard other Christians talk like that too. Casting a demon out of someone was done seriously in the name of Jesus and sometimes the disciples could not cast it out. When they asked "why?" the Lord told them that "this kind" required prayer and fasting. I believe that is the spirit and manner we are to follow Jesus in. Anyway, Your father thought you were demon possessed and I also thought I was a few times.
The part where you got spanked at church in front of all of them, and the girl was laughing was really harsh. Please note, you already might know, that in Sunday school settings when there is a fight or something between the children, often times the teachers will try to reconcile the matter and tell the parents. It's right to do that, but to "make it public" like that was really harsh. I think your parents wanted to show "good face" as if, "I'm going to discipline my rebellious child". I have done that and have seen that kind of behavior a lot. I was in the children's ministry for a few years until COVID. Anyway, please try to forgive them and this little girl for what she did. In my childhood, I did a lot of sexual things with other children, my own brothers, and my cousins. I was only 5 and it was all consensual but still inappropriate and wrong. I know what it means to have that being done to you and trying to do it back to others.
In the story the part where the older person showed you the grossest stuff....I understand that. I never did that to someone or had it done to me, but I saw it on my own accord. I'm ashamed the things I did in my life. Please note that God will deal with that person for doing that. Jesus said "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a stone tried around his neck and be thrown off a cliff". That is what will happen to all men and women who causes people to sin, especially those who believe in Jesus, especially all pedophiles, child pornographers, and even child who want to be put in the situation. I"m talking about youth who purposely share naked images to other youth and below. Them too, God will deal with them. The FBI certainly is.
The part in your story where the girlfriend was abusing you, she will get dealt with by God. Forgive her and ask God to not let those things bother you. Christ died for all our sins and we can be freed from it all. It will be a victory for you and for others who believe in Jesus Christ.
The part in your story where you told the Lord that you wanted to make him Lord of your life, that is really awesome....many just think of Jesus as a kind Savior while forgetting He wants all of us, our minds ,our bodies, our motives, our money, our thoughts, we are told to take every thought captive. I struggle in this area too. Jesus IS Lord, and I don't have to "make" him Lord, (nothing wrong with you are saying that though .. just making a point ) I know the wording seems difficult but what I mean to say is Jesus is Lord yet the world hates Him, they spit on Him, and want nothing to do with Jesus or His ways, they will have their part in the lake of fire and it will be there fault. There are professing Christians too who will have their part in the lake of fire. See Matthew 7:21-23. I have have always feared going to hell because of that verse, I believe God kept me from much sins, even in my depravity from just that verse alone, I could remember that I "might" not even be a real Christian. I still have times of doubt but I will go to the Lord during those times, and get close to Jesus because I know my time here on this earth of soon over. It doesn't' matter if I'm 10 years old, or 100 years old, my time and your time and all our times is just one heart beat away. 💔
We can't play with God and think we "got" God all figured out, like God is some kind of system where "I act out" I pray, I act out, I pray, I act out I pray. I mean, during the course of time, it might seem that way, but if we are in habitual sins, no repentance, then we can't have assurance of our salvation, this is what I strongly believe about myself and about any other Christian I know, to include my own parents. I'm not God, but I'm supposed to "examine myself" and "have fruit" in my life. Please note, that I"m not talking directly to you from your post, I'm just sharing my heart with you.
I have been told before that my "theology" was messed up when I confessed to my Pastor that I don't believe I or my son was saved, and he told me that I was believing in a works-based salvation". I said that I disagreed because there is a thing of fruit and "evidences" of authentic Christianity. He called me arrogant. It's not good when a believer gets into a heated discussion with a pastor, but that is what I did. Anyway, I don't claim to have perfect theology (whatever that is) but I do think i am believing biblically when I say that I must have fruit and if I dont' see the good fruit on my supposedly good true (my own life) then I consider myself "not" saved. I don't know what you call that but that is what I believe and how I believe. For example, I have been guilty of "trying to figure out" God by "how much can I sin" and "still be considered saved"...I would use God's grace a license to sin, and I did to the max, that is why I went far into my sins because I always thought, I can just repent and be all right and I would I have a cycle and repent and relapse and repent." The "grace" part I didn't understand.
Here is what I know about grace....
[Tit 2:11-15 KJV] 11 For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, 12 Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; 13 Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; 14 Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. 15 These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.
and
[Rom 2:4 KJV] 4 Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?
So I ask myself, Dominic, do I know, really know and understand God's goodness? Do I really understand God's grace and what grace teaches me? According to Titus 2:11-14, God's grace teaches me to 'deny ungodliness, worldly lusts, I should live soberly, righteously, and godly, .....
so where is the big question, "dominic, why are you still lusting?" The world answer? I'm an addict, I'm a sex addict. Simple right? No.
The Bible answer? This is shocking but it's true 100% Romans 1:18 and to the end of the chapter - THAT is me. I turned into worship of sex as a god, a small god, an idol, and THAT is why I keep falling down. Every time, I see a women and I'm aroused (lust) I'm turning away from God's will and God's desire for my holy life God intends for me to live, and looking at some part of a women's body, watching, looking, ....worshiping her, feeding my own depravity, my flesh, my sick mind my sick heart, 🖤 to gain some sexual gratification from it, as if I'm drawing from this sex god (a women). And when I let my guard down by watching too much news, or YouTube, or just plain out to seek porn, I'm not seeking porn, I'm seeking a sex god to bless me with sex so I can worship it, it's a spiritual sickness, which can only be healed by God, who is the Holy Spirit and made us, this is why we must be born again, (John 3) and abiding in Christ(John 15) by reading the Bible, prayer, fellowship with other Christians (phone calls, meetings, church, Monday thru Saturday, not only Sunday).
I believe God will use you still. I believe you are a Christian, yet I am not able to tell you this but only the Holy Spirit will tell you and bear witness with your spirit that you are His and He is yours.
On your pending divorce, this might be good, even though it hurts. It's good because it shows the reality of our sins, but it's bad because you know. I have heard of stories of marriages re-uniting after a divorce and if it's God's Will, you might have your wife back. If not, do not let it discourage you too much. We are, 'in a way' married to Jesus and Jesus is married to His church, the bride. Jesus Christ is God and you are always loved, always blessed in Jesus Christ. He is what our wives can't ever give us, unconditional love. It's true that our wives only love us conditionally, but the Bible says that nothing can ever separate us from the love of Christ.
If you are living alone, please please be careful about your internet boundaries and motives, I have fallen many times thinking I was strong and willing but some little news, then some youtube, then bam, I'm in the pig slop of my own human depravity again and I feel like a dog going to eat my own vomit, my stomach hurts, and I feel demon possessed with no emotion, no conscience almost. That was my last experience in February 27, 2021 when I last acted out. I felt like I was doomed to hell again. I can't explain it. I felt like I literally lost my mind, my bible verses were lost from memory. It wasn't' until my wife called my brother in Christ and He prayed for me. He prayed that Satan and demons would be cast out and left me alone. He encouraged me to pray the Lord's prayer from the heart every day. I called my mother and told her that I saw something bad but didn't' give her details, although she is aware of my past (affairs, porn, etc etc).
I will just say this - if you are alone and bored, watch out, because that is the danger zone, even if you can't see it. If you are having a strong will to stay pure now, good, I hope it lasts, as you read the Bible every day, prayerfully, not rushing or just for a check in the box, but reading it, encountering God Himself in the very pages you read, and as you bring your prayer requests before God Almighty, you will be victorious. (Psalm1, Psalm 119:9-11)
I'm really glad you were able to take the 8 week course on Blazing Grace. It sounds like you learned and grew a lot and it shows how serious you are now. You are making me proud of you. I do have the 8 week course book and am reading parts of it.
I hope you keep close to Jesus. I will join you and the other here on this pilgrimage.
Maranatha
|
|
javajake
Silver Member
Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
|
Post by javajake on Jul 10, 2021 12:28:16 GMT -7
Thanks for telling your story Luke. This sin is always messy. I’m sorry you were abused when you were young.
“I will just say this - if you are alone and bored, watch out, because that is the danger zone, even if you can't see it. If you are having a strong will to stay pure now, good, I hope it lasts, as you read the Bible every day, prayerfully, not rushing or just for a check in the box, but reading it, encountering God Himself in the very pages you read, and as you bring your prayer requests before God Almighty, you will be victorious. (Psalm1, Psalm 119:9-11)”. This! What Dominic said. This is why I fail by not applying this daily.
|
|
|
Post by savagetribe on Jul 10, 2021 19:37:54 GMT -7
Thank you everyone for your encouragement. Being committed to recovery and restoration in God helped free me by his grace. And for me, God wanted me to be committed in seeking him for help and going through the process of recovery and restoration. I feel that Blazing Grace was one chapter in my full restoration and played a huge part. But it took work on my part and seeking God not sitting back and asking God to do it for me. When are you going to move me today Lord? He requires us to sacrifice and do the work that he calls us to do for complete healing at least for me. Knock, and the door will be open. Seek him. These are words used in the bible many times. It takes us to walk in humbleness before God and saying I walked here Lord and placing these things at your feet. I need your help. God wants us to pursue him. For me, it was a one two punch. I did the 8 week course at blazing grace then the restoration ministries course 16 weeks. I've read the Bible completely this year in the CSB and now reading again in the NLT. After reading the new testament again even in 1 short year, I see more things. I've read the word all my life and studied it but there is new meaning every time I read it. That's why it's called the living word. I'm asking God to show me how I apply it to my life each time and give me wisdom and understanding and each time he reveals more. Just memorizing the Bible doesn't mean anything when it comes to wisdom because even Satan and Demons know the word of God. That's why I pray each time for God to reveal and give me wisdom for me to understand. Anyways, it works me.
|
|
KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
|
Post by KevinesKay on Jul 11, 2021 18:19:34 GMT -7
I'm glad you could join us savagetribe. Thanks for sharing your testimony.
|
|
|
Post by savedbygrace on Jul 12, 2021 16:59:29 GMT -7
Amen. Thank you so much for coming, and for your good counsel!!
|
|
|
Post by savagetribe on Jul 17, 2021 22:01:25 GMT -7
After so much pain this last week, God has given me peace. I feel renewed and living a sexual pure life for 8 months. I've been tested recently and love what God has done for me. I know the outcome may be different in the future but for now I marvel of what God can do in a person who's had 35+ years of porn addiction. This woman comes up with a low cut tee shirt and puts a pen in between her breasts to take my order at the restaurant. Of course, I saw the pen but looked at her in the eye and prayed for her in my mind. "God, your beautiful daughter needs you as she is trying to get attention in all the wrong areas. Please intervene in her life and give her love because apparently she ain't getting love at home." Then I calmly ordered. Didn't have a lust thought and I was like...wahoo! Thank you Jesus! That would have never been possible even months ago. I boldly and proudly talk about God's goodness and his wonder. I'm a walking miracle and God keeps showing me everyday. I'm not getting cocky though. I know that evil lurks around me trying to find a weakness but I humble myself before God everyday and seek his wisdom and guidance. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for God's grace and mercy. Probably dead on the side of the road. No choice but to be in God, be in his presence and blindly walk with him holding my hand. Pray for me on my next quest in my life. Mingling. I'm sure more of that story will come but for now mingling is the next hurdle in my life.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2021 6:24:08 GMT -7
Dear God, please give hope, help, and everything he needs. Thank you God. Amen.
|
|
|
Post by savagetribe on Jul 20, 2021 20:18:03 GMT -7
I was attacked in my dream by old porn images that surfaced and meshed with current events. I've been taking thoughts captive even in my dreams and woke up and telling the thoughts to be gone. I prayed to God and asked him for protection of my mind while I slept. This occurs less often than it did when I first stopped watching porn and abstaining from masturbation. The first 4 months was very hard (Blazing Grace 8 week course really helped me get over the worst part). Lust was a constant battle but over the last 4 months its been getting better. Taking thoughts captive is a muscle that your spirit is recognizing evil thoughts and becoming stronger over the flesh. Practice, constant vigilance and perseverance. Battle over the flesh never ends but as we grow our spirit it seems to becoming less prevalent and more submissive. Stay on your guard, be vigilant as the enemy prowls to find our weaknesses. Armor of God, prayer with the Father, reading the word, meditating on God day and night, inviting him into our lives and being with him. Letting God take control of our lives instead of us feeling like we need control. I wish this was easier. I wish our firmware could be updated but our AI is constantly learning, glitchy and buggy. God is our constant, our defragmented space, our unlimited power source and backup. I cling onto God but I have noticed that I need to be more social. This is my challenge. Have I changed my behavior enough to not stumble and fall? Can I socialize without being needy? Can I develop a friendship that is not me compromising myself for someone else's bad behavior? I hope that God has transformed me enough for me to be wiser, more discerning and listening to the holy spirit within me. I pray that I am and I pray that Christ is my protector, my intercessor and my rock. Will people love me for who I am? Will I be persecuted if someone gets too close and they find out my history? These are fears that I need to give to God for him to put on the shelf but they are in the back of my mind when I socialize. Do I allow people to be close to me? I don't want to hurt them or be hurt. Answer: trust in God to lead me and walk me through life in grace, mercy and love. He is my redeemer, my restorer and my savior. Reality: knowing these things and applying them are two different things. But I recently decided to move forward and God seems to be pushing me in that direction which is to reacclimate into society and live a life he intended for me. Be the hands and feet of Jesus and to spread the good news to people who are hurting. I have to be honest that I'm nervous.
|
|
|
Post by savagetribe on Jul 27, 2021 20:50:11 GMT -7
I got frustrated yesterday. Can I be honest? Everyone that I know, their wives are cheering them on, helping them with their recovery and loving them through it even when they fall. I hear story after story after story about how awesome their relationship is and how God blessed it after they confessed; shoot, some got caught and didn't come clean at first but their wives still loved them and saw it through. Now to my story, I don't have that at all. I'm so frustrated that I'm missing a piece of the puzzle; what can I do God? Did I not do something right? Am I not worthy enough? Am I not worthy of love? What's wrong with me and where am I going wrong? Of course, someone told me during a men's group that I didn't try something and I had to reiterate that I tried those things several months ago. Here's the fact. The sin that I committed is too great of a mountain for my soon to be ex to bare and cross. I have done everything humanly, spiritually possible to change the course of our lives with no reward. Sometimes, that's the outcome and I have to accept it that our 28 years of marriage is over and there is nothing I can do about it but draw closer to God and seek him first. I will praise God even when things are bad and not going my direction. I trust he will intervene and lead me where he wants me to go. On the positive side, God has completely healed me and I am free in him. He's surrounded me with great brothers in Christ and some sisters as well. They are helping me persevere through this time where I feel lower than dirt. Praying, being silent in God, reading the word, asking for wisdom and understanding, going before Christ everyday placing my cross at his feet, praying for others and being open to God's will. Teach me Lord. Love me Lord, help me through this time of sorrow. Help me not give up and keep looking to you when I feel desperate, weak, frustrated and lonely. God you are my strength, my hope, my redeemer and my salvation. There is nothing here on earth that can quench my thirst for love but only in you my Abba Father. Maybe someday, God will bless me with an intimate, romantic love that I can share my life with and share my Father with in spirit and prayer. But for now, it is my lot to go through this pain, sorrow and torture of the heart. It is strengthening me to rely on God for all things not just for love.
|
|
|
Post by savedbygrace on Jul 28, 2021 17:15:50 GMT -7
I am so sorry to read this. Praying for you both.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2021 6:53:50 GMT -7
There might be supportive wives but they are hurting and healing in their own ways too. It seems like they (the man) is living a dream, it's great for them, but you don't have to compare yourself to them because it will hurt you.
Remember, when Jesus and the desciples were walking and Peter said, Lord, what about him? And Jesus said "If I want him to be alive until I return, what is that to you?" I know what you mean though brother. I am also envious and jealous of happier marriages than my own. They seem to have it all together, the man seems to get away with sin and she seems to be not bothered by it. PLease do not feel like I'm speaking down to you brother. I'm not.
There might be hope still for your marriage. I have heard too of some marriages getting divorced but re-married again. Only God knows. If you confessed your sins to God and you were sorry then God will forgive you like 1st John 1:9 says. I struggle to believe but it's true. Your wife/ex-wife has to heal from the damage and just give her over to God and let God work it out. Ultimately, God can change her heart to love you again. I really hope this is the case. But if she will have nothing more to do with you, just stay close to God and trust God for the impossible. I am hoping for my wife to forgive me, even though she is with me still, I don't feel she has forgiven me, but I believe she is working on it. I feel unloved, unworthy and guilty and shame too. I know I can't compare myself to you though. I'm sorry brother.
Dear God, please help their marriage to restore and please do a work in his wifes heart to love, and forgive, and rebuild trust, please God let your Will be that in their life. Please help her to forgive him and please help him to love his wife. Lord, if it's not possible or not your Will, please heal their hearts anyway. In Jesus' name. Amen.
|
|
KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
|
Post by KevinesKay on Jul 31, 2021 18:47:45 GMT -7
I got frustrated yesterday. Can I be honest? Everyone that I know, their wives are cheering them on, helping them with their recovery and loving them through it even when they fall. I hear story after story after story about how awesome their relationship is and how God blessed it after they confessed; shoot, some got caught and didn't come clean at first but their wives still loved them and saw it through. Now to my story, I don't have that at all. I'm so frustrated that I'm missing a piece of the puzzle; what can I do God? Did I not do something right? Am I not worthy enough? Am I not worthy of love? What's wrong with me and where am I going wrong? Of course, someone told me during a men's group that I didn't try something and I had to reiterate that I tried those things several months ago. Here's the fact. The sin that I committed is too great of a mountain for my soon to be ex to bare and cross. I have done everything humanly, spiritually possible to change the course of our lives with no reward. Sometimes, that's the outcome and I have to accept it that our 28 years of marriage is over and there is nothing I can do about it but draw closer to God and seek him first. I will praise God even when things are bad and not going my direction. I trust he will intervene and lead me where he wants me to go. On the positive side, God has completely healed me and I am free in him. He's surrounded me with great brothers in Christ and some sisters as well. They are helping me persevere through this time where I feel lower than dirt. Praying, being silent in God, reading the word, asking for wisdom and understanding, going before Christ everyday placing my cross at his feet, praying for others and being open to God's will. Teach me Lord. Love me Lord, help me through this time of sorrow. Help me not give up and keep looking to you when I feel desperate, weak, frustrated and lonely. God you are my strength, my hope, my redeemer and my salvation. There is nothing here on earth that can quench my thirst for love but only in you my Abba Father. Maybe someday, God will bless me with an intimate, romantic love that I can share my life with and share my Father with in spirit and prayer. But for now, it is my lot to go through this pain, sorrow and torture of the heart. It is strengthening me to rely on God for all things not just for love. My observation is that the vast majority of wives have an extremely hard time dealing with their husbands' sexual acting out.
|
|