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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2020 4:29:55 GMT -7
Hi everyone
Walking through my relapse over the just before last weekend - I want to throw out there an issue that has been a very difficult one for me that I have had feedback from others that just won't seem to leave my constantly working brain alone. The reason that my relapse was exposed was not because I was God's man enough to go to my wife and confess but rather my monitoring software sent her a report of what I had been on and she had to confront me. The issue is this - my wife is the one and only person to get those reports. She insists that she needs to be on my contact list as a piece of her reassurance and my personal accountability to her. I have had more than one man ( including a close friend, my Christian Counsellor and most recently my Mens Small Group leader ) advise me that this is not a good idea. They feel that this keeps my wife in an unhealthy loop of keeping her in pain. One of the men said it is like taking your report card to your wife that this is a way of relying on her for affirmation or punishment of my behaviour. They have felt that it would be better if she did not get the reports at all and that they only go to accountability partners who are willing to call me to task for any behaviours at an arms length. I am really struggling with this because I know when I have tried to approach my wife on this subject before she has gotten very upset because she feels I am trying to manipulate my way out of being truthful and accountable to her ( and to me she has a good point , I am a consummate self protector and I haven't shown her that I would willingly come to her ) So hopefully I have made my dilemna clear here, I just want to honour her and not place stumbling blocks in the way of her recovery journey.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2020 5:34:00 GMT -7
If she wants to be on the list of people that get reports from the software, you leave her on it. Not all women are the same. Some can handle it and need that in order to heal. If it is hindering her in healing, you leave it to our Lord to bring it to her attention.
You have to rebuild her trust in you and one way to do that for some women is them being part of your accountability team. Some women can't handle it. Some of the men here have wives that don't want to know. Others have wives that just want weekly updates and some have wives that want to be involved on a daily basis.
She has to decide what she needs to feel safe in order to heal. Keep an open communication with her. Her needs will most likely change has she heals or things happen. If you have regular communication, she will express her needs more freely and it will help with building trust.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2020 7:04:33 GMT -7
If she wants to be on the list of people that get reports from the software, you leave her on it. Not all women are the same. Some can handle it and need that in order to heal. If it is hindering her in healing, you leave it to our Lord to bring it to her attention. You have to rebuild her trust in you and one way to do that for some women is them being part of your accountability team. Some women can't handle it. Some of the men here have wives that don't want to know. Others have wives that just want weekly updates and some have wives that want to be involved on a daily basis. She has to decide what she needs to feel safe in order to heal. Keep an open communication with her. Her needs will most likely change has she heals or things happen. If you have regular communication, she will express her needs more freely and it will help with building trust. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2020 7:18:34 GMT -7
Thanks for your input. I believe my wife for this season we are in and definitely for almost all of the 7 years we have been on this journey to heal together has wanted to be 100% in the loop with accountability. I remember some months ago a report came to my wifes phone about some inappropriate content on a webpage and she phoned me at work to question me. As it turned out it was from the laptop that was at home that she had been working on. It was relieving to me that it wasnt me because my mind began to race as to what I could have been on. It was sobering moment for her that the software was working for both of us! We have a friend that lust issues have forced him to work from home because he can't handle the way the women dress in his office. He doesnt really want to address his issues and his wife completely avoids talking about it or having expectations on him getting help. The wife is fully aware of what my wife and I have gone through and just prefers to turn a blind eye. My wife has commented that she could never allow herself to be in a situation like that - so that should give you an idea of how she wants to be with me.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2020 13:23:37 GMT -7
Thanks for your input. I believe my wife for this season we are in and definitely for almost all of the 7 years we have been on this journey to heal together has wanted to be 100% in the loop with accountability. I remember some months ago a report came to my wifes phone about some inappropriate content on a webpage and she phoned me at work to question me. As it turned out it was from the laptop that was at home that she had been working on. It was relieving to me that it wasnt me because my mind began to race as to what I could have been on. It was sobering moment for her that the software was working for both of us! We have a friend that lust issues have forced him to work from home because he can't handle the way the women dress in his office. He doesnt really want to address his issues and his wife completely avoids talking about it or having expectations on him getting help. The wife is fully aware of what my wife and I have gone through and just prefers to turn a blind eye. My wife has commented that she could never allow herself to be in a situation like that - so that should give you an idea of how she wants to be with me. It does sound like she wants to be part of your accountability team. Just keep communicating with her. Be honest and don't leave her to discover anything. That will build trust between you again. Be sure and ask her how much detail she wants...Give some women too much and it will hinder their healing. Again open communication is key. Basically working as a team to rebuild and strengthen your marriage. Another area you can have her help you...when you are struggling with temptations, go to het ask her to pray with you and over you. Her love and strength can help you get your mind right and get through those temptations. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2020 6:24:12 GMT -7
Hello artic68, I remember hearing from secular SA groups and another Christian SA group to not tell your wife BUT I disagree with them now. Here is why. In my sin, I needed to get blood tests which also make me confess to my Pastor who asks me if my wife knew? I said no, so I confessed to my wife. This was devastating and we almost divorced. But I had to tell her for her own safety and she needed to know how sick I was so she could take action if needed.
In your case, I would keep her added in the list. If you feel like internet is a big trigger, follow Jesus in Matthew 5:27-30 and get out of the internet. Be accountable to Jesus as if your salvation depends on it. We are not saved by our works but our works demonstrate our faith. God can change you and make you sober.
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