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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2020 20:46:27 GMT -7
I've been reading the articles and threads on this forum since Christmas Day which was D-Day for me and have found a lot of help and encouragement, even a little hope.
A bit of background - I've been married for 24 years and found out that my husband has been watching porn for almost all of those years. He says he doesn't remember when he started but can pinpoint it to a particular city we lived in at the time so that gives me a starting point.
I'm at the point where I don't know who I am or who I'm married to anymore.
My husband is very sorry for what he has done and spends loads of time in tears which I find extremely difficult. He has given me full access to his computer and phone but that is of limited use in that he has been very good about covering his tracks (obviously, to keep it hidden from me for this long).
A lot of the time his answers to my questions are 'I don't know' or something similar. It appears in an effort to break away from the porn usage, he joined NoFap. Unfortunately he used the Reddit app, not the website, and so this opened up a whole new realm of NSFW content. He also messaged a lot of other user's in an effort to 'help them' but that has gone disastrously wrong and has ended up becoming a substitute for watching porn.
I am reading those messages as it is the only way I can get answers as he says he has blocked a lot of it because he is so ashamed. He also tells me he has told me everything in full disclosure but I have found many more things he hasn't told me by reading the Reddit posts/comments/messages. When I question him about those, he says he doesn't remember. But I don't believe him. And I am constantly catching him out in his lies.
He says that me reading these Reddit posts are about me coloring-in the details and he would like to delete them so I can't read them. But how can it be full disclosure when 'he can't remember' or he lies about it? He says I am just torturing myself which makes me think there is yet more to be disclosed and he knows what it is but won't tell me.
I am interested in knowing how others feel about this so appreciate any insight anyone else can offer.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2020 13:43:42 GMT -7
Sounds like your husband is still hiding things. Which is normal with sin addictions.
What I would suggest is that you come up with some boundaries to help you through this so that you can begin to heal. One I highly recommend is a software program like Secure Teen or Covenant Eyes. They block and track internet sites and usage. They aren't fail proof but they do a good job. Another you may want to look into is counseling for yourself and as a couple. If you belong to a church, your pastor may be willing to do this. The biggest thing is spending time with God. He will guide you and comfort you and help you through this.
Father God, I ask that You show broken how much You love her. Comfort her and give her Your peace. Help her navigate this valley and bring her out of it stronger and full of peace. Amen
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2020 19:59:15 GMT -7
Thanks so much for your reply and prayer. I have installed Net Namny on his phone and computer. I also have protection loaded on our router so anyone using our WIFI cannot access porn, nudity or adult themed websites. I wanted porn out of my house. I have also installed another blocking program that is on our WIFI service provider. I have the passwords locked away in my brain. So with these three ‘tools’, he is going to have to go to extreme lengths to access any pornography. We do go to church regularly (three times a week) but we live in a very small town and the members of our faith are about 35. I fear to confide in any one of them for the sake of my husband as once people know of his sin, it isn’t easily forgotten. There are also some terrible gossips amongst the members of our faith (my father being one of them) that I don’t consider this to be an option. Both he & I are relying on God as our greatest source of power and I am confident God will keep us. A boundary I have set is that each day we are given on this earth, there are three people in our marriage - God, my husband & I. If this ever changes (should he lose his conviction), then I’m out. I will not tolerate being married to a man who thinks it is ok to break our marriage covenant by being unfaithful again. These may be harsh consequences but I am prepared to enforce them. I’d rather be alone that suffer through this pain again and again. Part of the problem was that my husband never accepted before now that masterbation was sin but thanks to the article on Blazing Grace and the bible references provided, he is convicted of his sin. He has tried to stop watching porn for years but never accepted that it was masterbation that kept causing him to turn to porn. He also asked me to help him not too lie but after 24 years of marriage to a man I thought told the truth all the time, I don’t think I’m the best judge of that. He said his ‘go-to’ has been to lie for so many years that it will be hard for him to break that habit. I understand that but each time I catch him in yet another lie (and these aren’t little lies, they are lies that rip the carpet out from under my feet), I’m not sure how much more I can take. But I still look through his posts because I need to know the truth and I believe he talked freely with these other users/addicts because he never imagined I’d ever be reading them. Another ‘lie’ he is still telling me is that what he said on these posts/messages was just boy talk and a bit of exaggeration. Then I press him for details and after days of him declaring it’s just exaggeration, he finally admits it is true. And this happens for each discovery. It’s an exhausting process.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2020 21:50:18 GMT -7
Thanks so much for your reply and prayer. I have installed Net Namny on his phone and computer. I also have protection loaded on our router so anyone using our WIFI cannot access porn, nudity or adult themed websites. I wanted porn out of my house. I have also installed another blocking program that is on our WIFI service provider. I have the passwords locked away in my brain. So with these three ‘tools’, he is going to have to go to extreme lengths to access any pornography. We do go to church regularly (three times a week) but we live in a very small town and the members of our faith are about 35. I fear to confide in any one of them for the sake of my husband as once people know of his sin, it isn’t easily forgotten. There are also some terrible gossips amongst the members of our faith (my father being one of them) that I don’t consider this to be an option. Both he & I are relying on God as our greatest source of power and I am confident God will keep us. A boundary I have set is that each day we are given on this earth, there are three people in our marriage - God, my husband & I. If this ever changes (should he lose his conviction), then I’m out. I will not tolerate being married to a man who thinks it is ok to break our marriage covenant by being unfaithful again. These may be harsh consequences but I am prepared to enforce them. I’d rather be alone that suffer through this pain again and again. Part of the problem was that my husband never accepted before now that masterbation was sin but thanks to the article on Blazing Grace and the bible references provided, he is convicted of his sin. He has tried to stop watching porn for years but never accepted that it was masterbation that kept causing him to turn to porn. He also asked me to help him not too lie but after 24 years of marriage to a man I thought told the truth all the time, I don’t think I’m the best judge of that. He said his ‘go-to’ has been to lie for so many years that it will be hard for him to break that habit. I understand that but each time I catch him in yet another lie (and these aren’t little lies, they are lies that rip the carpet out from under my feet), I’m not sure how much more I can take. But I still look through his posts because I need to know the truth and I believe he talked freely with these other users/addicts because he never imagined I’d ever be reading them. Another ‘lie’ he is still telling me is that what he said on these posts/messages was just boy talk and a bit of exaggeration. Then I press him for details and after days of him declaring it’s just exaggeration, he finally admits it is true. And this happens for each discovery. It’s an exhausting process. His asking you to help him not to lie is wrong. That is God's job. Your husband is taking what is his responsibility and putting it on you. He needs to take responsibility for his actions which includes lying. He needs to admit his lies without you having to "help". It sounds like you have put down some good boundaries. Remember that boundaries are to be added to and/Or changed as you go. Do what you need to do to heal. Does he have an accountability partner that isn't you? He needs a male accountability partner.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2020 15:03:19 GMT -7
I’m is only accountability partner for now. He did have some AP’s that were male but they were also PA and while the intention was that they encourage each other to stop, it ended up not being a good idea and it became a PSUB instead.
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Post by Will on Feb 9, 2020 19:07:04 GMT -7
Hi guys,
sorry for butting in but this post came up under recent posts. Please may I ask what is a PSUB and what is NSFW?
It would be great if you could persuade your husband to come on this board and share his experience with other people in his situation.
From a guy's side, I do kind of get where he's coming from. He wants to be honest with you but thinks listing every aspect of what he's done would not be productive. I can somewhat understand that. As a man, I need to know all the details, but have often found that women don't and that it can be really upsetting for them. So it's possible he's trying to protect you, as well as obviously being embarrassed and ashamed of the reality of what he's doing.
Of course, God's light is what heals, so everything needs to be brought to the light for it to be healed.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2020 7:56:03 GMT -7
I’m is only accountability partner for now. He did have some AP’s that were male but they were also PA and while the intention was that they encourage each other to stop, it ended up not being a good idea and it became a PSUB instead. He needs someone with "soberiety" and strong in the Lord to be an example and guide him. The men here are all dedicated to fighting and encouraging each other to keep fighting. I have 10 years of "soberiety" under my belt but, some men don't like taking my advice because I am a woman. We would be glad to have him here if he wants to try it and you feel comfortable posting here with him on this board. The reason I put quotation marks around soberiety is because I don't like the word. I much prefer overcomer. I think it fits better because this is a journey with the Lord that never stops. We will always have to be vigilant about this sin so that it doesn't gain a foothold back into our lives.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2020 7:57:47 GMT -7
Hi guys, sorry for butting in but this post came up under recent posts. Please may I ask what is a PSUB and what is NSFW? It would be great if you could persuade your husband to come on this board and share his experience with other people in his situation. From a guy's side, I do kind of get where he's coming from. He wants to be honest with you but thinks listing every aspect of what he's done would not be productive. I can somewhat understand that. As a man, I need to know all the details, but have often found that women don't and that it can be really upsetting for them. So it's possible he's trying to protect you, as well as obviously being embarrassed and ashamed of the reality of what he's doing. Of course, God's light is what heals, so everything needs to be brought to the light for it to be healed. Will, PSUB means porn substitution and NSFW means not suitable (for work). I will add them to our list.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2020 11:39:31 GMT -7
We are reading the articles on blazing grace regularly and read the bible references to keep them current in our minds. We also pray and meditate together and I am confident that these are helping.
It’s just trying to deal with what has happened.
Thanks for weighing in Will, it is nice having another male’s perspective. It is also comforting speaking with people who are committed to this journey. Who have suffered through this pain and managed to come through ok. And people who have beaten and are beating their addictions.
I’ll speak to him and see how he feels about coming onboard here. At the moment he has quit almost all online activity except for work in attempt to get his life back in balance. The online group he was apart of ended up taking a lot of time away from work and family because he was obsessed with posting, commenting, replying, ‘helping others’, lying to me about what he was actually doing. So he’s cautious with any online activity.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2020 18:10:58 GMT -7
We are reading the articles on blazing grace regularly and read the bible references to keep them current in our minds. We also pray and meditate together and I am confident that these are helping. It’s just trying to deal with what has happened. Thanks for weighing in Will, it is nice having another male’s perspective. It is also comforting speaking with people who are committed to this journey. Who have suffered through this pain and managed to come through ok. And people who have beaten and are beating their addictions. I’ll speak to him and see how he feels about coming onboard here. At the moment he has quit almost all online activity except for work in attempt to get his life back in balance. The online group he was apart of ended up taking a lot of time away from work and family because he was obsessed with posting, commenting, replying, ‘helping others’, lying to me about what he was actually doing. So he’s cautious with any online activity. If your husband has issues with online activity taking up too much time, it may be better for him not to be on here right now. Online activity can be an addiction too. It can replace another addiction. It sounds like this might be the case for your husband. But it is between the 2 of you. Pray about it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2020 20:22:14 GMT -7
Yep, we identified that he had replaced one addiction with another. He wasn’t aware of it until I showed him how much time he had been devoting to the new addiction.
For years I have felt that he jumps in to help out others and willing devotes time that I so desperately need to keep our relationship and family going. But until recently, my comments have not sunk in.
Now he’s putting me second (God is first and always needs to be). It’s horrible that what I’ve been craving for so long, I now have but I also have a truck load of hurt to go with it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2020 20:23:39 GMT -7
Hi guys, sorry for butting in but this post came up under recent posts. Please may I ask what is a PSUB and what is NSFW? It would be great if you could persuade your husband to come on this board and share his experience with other people in his situation. From a guy's side, I do kind of get where he's coming from. He wants to be honest with you but thinks listing every aspect of what he's done would not be productive. I can somewhat understand that. As a man, I need to know all the details, but have often found that women don't and that it can be really upsetting for them. So it's possible he's trying to protect you, as well as obviously being embarrassed and ashamed of the reality of what he's doing. Of course, God's light is what heals, so everything needs to be brought to the light for it to be healed.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2020 20:25:10 GMT -7
Oops, didn’t do that quite right. Will, do you remember the details? I ask for details and he says he doesn’t remember. I don’t feel like we can heal this marriage when I can’t trust that there is nothing more to come out of the woodwork.
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Post by Will on Feb 11, 2020 23:16:41 GMT -7
Hi bw, hmm not sure, depends what you mean I think. Do you mean details of online activity? That could be harder to remember than details of other things. Mostly think I would remember but would have to know what kind of details you're asking for to be sure. : )
Thanks for the info Amy!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 21, 2020 18:27:02 GMT -7
Hi brokenwife7,
Welcome.
This has got to be so hard for you to deal with. I'm going to encourage both of you to reach out for help. Lot's of wives go through what you're experiencing and it's sad that many go through it alone. BG is a good resource. Would there be any other resources that might be available to you? For example, Celebrate Recovery, SAA, COSA, SA, S-Anon?
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