How to "let go" and "let God".

I am writing this for the broken women who are still fighting the porn demons of anger and self loathing even when husband is "sober" and repentant.  

Even though I said I had forgiven him, apparently I hadn't in the right way.  I was having great trouble with my desire to see him "punished".  In my deepest heart I wanted to clock him in the throat and kick him in the groin and leave him lying on the ground. I was aware of this but worked daily to push those thoughts away.  I chastised myself.  But God had a deeper message for me than; "that's not nice". So He sent my prayer partner to correct me;she called to tell me; "I feel you are to look at YOUR heart and ask God to cleanse your own sin". She also told me that I was to "pray for him like my enemy".  I railed and vented and admitted he is my enemy with all his filthy filthy disgusting nasty lies and FILTHY habit. 
I hung up and basically said to God:  "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???"  I was angry!!  "WHAT SIN?"  I railed and cried and begged for truth and even questioned His own desire to hurt me.

Within that hour  I saw a vision of my husband bleeding on the ground and I saw how I felt pleasure in that.  I was shown that refusing to retaliate and letting him stay in my life is not true forgiveness. God wanted me to acknowledge this darkness in my heart.  So I did by screaming at him;  "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT OF ME???".. etc.  I was justifying all my pain and demanding answers, etc.  After all; I had been through PLENTY in my life; did I not at least deserve a loyal husband at this point???  This was my attitude.   So in my vision which was largely hues of grey, white, silver, and gold, I saw a crimson stream coming from my husband's nose. I was called to look at that red in the image.  And in that instant I realized that his blood somehow made it all right for me. That holding him in punishment (in my heart) was blocking my healing and spinning an energy in my home that was blocking OUR healing.  I acknowledge that anger gave me comfort, regardless of whether or not I expressed it.  I was then shown that blood was already spilled for me and it was't my husband's that would heal me and that my desire for his suffering was dark and self serving.

So I said: "Father if you want me to see him innocent anew then you have YOU DO IT for me, because I CANNOT!! and "FINE!  He's my enemy! So correct him and heal him, but I hate him right now!" "SO TAKE THIS FROM ME THEN!!!" And then he did. I think my anger was my treasure for many years. It was my "right" and my "power" in many situations throughout my life and certainly in this whole mess. It was keeping my husband in silence and fear and encouraging more deception. It's a repellant energy that he can certainly feel no matter how I appear to be coping.  This entire exchange showed me that when someone says "give it to God", maybe it's not an act of pious gentle release, and trust.  This isn't me.  I will never ever be that.   I will not lie to God. He can SEE ME. He KNOWS me!!  I was designed to FEEL!  We all were!  Ok. So for me, maybe raging and spewing pain and anger at God is what is actually "giving it to God" is.  Maybe it's more like throwing it at God.  

All the power in the anger and pain was transferred out of me and in it's place is a quiet steadiness I haven't felt in years, and I trust God will do what is perfect for all of us.

This is my testimony.  I hope it helps someone. 
Thank you for your prayers Amymine712.