Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2018 22:30:06 GMT -7
My husband is a porn/sex addict. I just found out. He's telling me he is done; cold turkey, no problems, no relapses, no lust issues whatsoever... just nothing but success.
My first instinct is: "nonsense" but he won't even discuss it. I have no idea what goes on in his heart/mind/soul. When I dig he disconnects, gets angry, avoids me, etc.
I am desperate to have a connection with him. He is desperate to be left alone. All he wants to do is work and sleep. He admits he's depressed. I tried to get him to work with me on building a bond of faith but his "Christianity" is also a mask. He will go to church with me. He will watch various youtube pastors with me... but he can't seem to catch fire. He is so
dead inside. He is absolutely joyless. No laughter (except on the phone at work). No joy, not even during after sex anymore. He used to literally be high afterward. Very high!
Now, he goes to sleep and his mind is "off".
I FEEL IN MY GUT that he has slipped. I feel something very heavy in him. Something that is driving his continued guilt and nervousness. He says I make him feel his shame. Yes in my rages I have done this I'm sure. I only now am allowing my anger. It's going on 9 months. I made it all about him initially. I realized I need to feel what I feel however and my anger scares him.
I know he is wounded in his soul, I know this. From what I gather, he was controlled, abused and ignored when he tried to get help.
I taught him to scream and let anger flow. So now he's over-using this "gift".. on me. A lot. So that was a mistake. But he's better off feeling/releasing anger than
letting it eat him alive on the inside. I am the only one he has ever screamed at. I am the only one who took care of him when he almost died 4 times in 32 months!
During his sickest is when he got his little BJ.
Anyway, he has let the truth out in droplets. He never confessed. I found out by snooping and no I do not feel bad about that. The most recent discovery was that he lined up a prostitute in Vegas. He wrote me a letter from his hospital bed swearing there were only 2 in Buffalo last fall and that he didn't show up. That was it! He swears. But that was a lie. Even as he feared his own death he lied. He swears he scheduled but "never showed" for his prostitutes. I don't believe him because he crossed the "skin line" last July and the whore use (or cancelling) was in the fall of 2017 and another attempt in Vegas in February of this year. He downplays his use of "JUST THE ONE" prostitute for oral.
What man gets to the point of using prostitutes and then doesn't show? And why all the large withdrawals right before business trips??
I simply do not believe him. I know I am supposed to forgive and be selfless and live in my void selflessly but I am being exploited I feel. I can't stand this feeling like he is controlling my forgiveness with lies. I told him if he lay with a woman that was my line in the sand. I handled the "one" event.
But he is NOT bringing peace and honesty and safety to me. I am the only one facilitating the repair of this marriage alone. He does nothing for the broken "us" but only focuses on himself. I wanted him to get into an intensive with me in March. He spooked.
Something isn't right. My gut won't sit quiet. I have asked God for a "spirit of silence" so that I can be still and stop "talking and talking talking" which makes him insane. I also go through records when I feel insecure which makes him worse and if I really want to wreck the week I simply mention a polygraph. He always agrees to take it but then he goes a bit pale.
Then gets ragey, distant, cold, etc.
Another weird thing: he seems to crave the company of men. Not sexually I don't think but he has no friends. I think his ability to form bonds is simply absent. Something happened in his youth I fear. Anyway, since he was busted he has been very depressed (after the 2 months of "hysterical bonding stopped) then rage and withdrawal set in.
I'm ready to quit our 15 year union. I am not valuable to him. The writing is on the wall. Isn't it? He reported in a letter about himself to me that he was exposed to Playboy at age 12 but when his brother and friend were raiding a box at the friends house he wasn't at all sure what the fuss was about. They were just magazines. He was 12. So either he's lying or he was desensitized by then. Please help me understand, forgive, forget, leave.. I am so confused and so shattered.
My first instinct is: "nonsense" but he won't even discuss it. I have no idea what goes on in his heart/mind/soul. When I dig he disconnects, gets angry, avoids me, etc.
I am desperate to have a connection with him. He is desperate to be left alone. All he wants to do is work and sleep. He admits he's depressed. I tried to get him to work with me on building a bond of faith but his "Christianity" is also a mask. He will go to church with me. He will watch various youtube pastors with me... but he can't seem to catch fire. He is so
dead inside. He is absolutely joyless. No laughter (except on the phone at work). No joy, not even during after sex anymore. He used to literally be high afterward. Very high!
Now, he goes to sleep and his mind is "off".
I FEEL IN MY GUT that he has slipped. I feel something very heavy in him. Something that is driving his continued guilt and nervousness. He says I make him feel his shame. Yes in my rages I have done this I'm sure. I only now am allowing my anger. It's going on 9 months. I made it all about him initially. I realized I need to feel what I feel however and my anger scares him.
I know he is wounded in his soul, I know this. From what I gather, he was controlled, abused and ignored when he tried to get help.
I taught him to scream and let anger flow. So now he's over-using this "gift".. on me. A lot. So that was a mistake. But he's better off feeling/releasing anger than
letting it eat him alive on the inside. I am the only one he has ever screamed at. I am the only one who took care of him when he almost died 4 times in 32 months!
During his sickest is when he got his little BJ.
Anyway, he has let the truth out in droplets. He never confessed. I found out by snooping and no I do not feel bad about that. The most recent discovery was that he lined up a prostitute in Vegas. He wrote me a letter from his hospital bed swearing there were only 2 in Buffalo last fall and that he didn't show up. That was it! He swears. But that was a lie. Even as he feared his own death he lied. He swears he scheduled but "never showed" for his prostitutes. I don't believe him because he crossed the "skin line" last July and the whore use (or cancelling) was in the fall of 2017 and another attempt in Vegas in February of this year. He downplays his use of "JUST THE ONE" prostitute for oral.
What man gets to the point of using prostitutes and then doesn't show? And why all the large withdrawals right before business trips??
I simply do not believe him. I know I am supposed to forgive and be selfless and live in my void selflessly but I am being exploited I feel. I can't stand this feeling like he is controlling my forgiveness with lies. I told him if he lay with a woman that was my line in the sand. I handled the "one" event.
But he is NOT bringing peace and honesty and safety to me. I am the only one facilitating the repair of this marriage alone. He does nothing for the broken "us" but only focuses on himself. I wanted him to get into an intensive with me in March. He spooked.
Something isn't right. My gut won't sit quiet. I have asked God for a "spirit of silence" so that I can be still and stop "talking and talking talking" which makes him insane. I also go through records when I feel insecure which makes him worse and if I really want to wreck the week I simply mention a polygraph. He always agrees to take it but then he goes a bit pale.
Then gets ragey, distant, cold, etc.
Another weird thing: he seems to crave the company of men. Not sexually I don't think but he has no friends. I think his ability to form bonds is simply absent. Something happened in his youth I fear. Anyway, since he was busted he has been very depressed (after the 2 months of "hysterical bonding stopped) then rage and withdrawal set in.
I'm ready to quit our 15 year union. I am not valuable to him. The writing is on the wall. Isn't it? He reported in a letter about himself to me that he was exposed to Playboy at age 12 but when his brother and friend were raiding a box at the friends house he wasn't at all sure what the fuss was about. They were just magazines. He was 12. So either he's lying or he was desensitized by then. Please help me understand, forgive, forget, leave.. I am so confused and so shattered.