Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2018 23:56:31 GMT -7
Hello everyone. First time posting here. I could really use some encouragement and/or advice.
I've been going through a tremendously difficult time since learning about my husband's secret sexual addiction a year ago. I've surfed these forums on numerous occasions and read others' posts, but every time I sat down to try to write about my own thoughts/feelings, I became consumed by fear and anxiety. Today, I've finally made the decision to open up about my pain for the first time in hopes that it may help the healing process to begin on some level.
At this point, I'm feeling extremely discouraged. I first began to uncover the truth about my husband's sexual addiction last May (2017) after finding pornographic materials on his phone. I confronted him immediately, and he made up a bunch of excuses about "accidentally coming across" the material. I let the topic die down for a few weeks in hopes that if he wasn't telling the truth, he'd let his guard down enough again for me to find the porn on another occasion and be honest with me. Sure enough, several weeks later, I found his search history filled with more porn-- in the form of X-rated books, images, and shows. I was absolutely devastated, and confronted him yet again. He admitted that he was looking at all of those things, but made up more excuses and tried to downplay the situation. He claimed he'd been unusually stressed at work and just needed a way to "decompress". He said he was sorry and promised that he'd stop immediately. He made it all sound like all of the porn was a recent thing that he'd just started looking at within the past few weeks, that he knew it was wrong, and that it would be easy for him to stay away from it moving forward.
Several days later--before I could even come up with a solid plan and set of boundaries to keep the pornographic material out of our home--I discovered the true depth of the addiction. Not only was he addicted to porn, but he was also carrying out elicit cyber sex interactions with numerous women on a regular basis. While he had been remarkably good at covering his tracks up until that point, he happened to leave a chat screen up on a website that I had no idea was even used for such interactions, and I discovered it after he left the room. I was shocked and heartbroken. The fact that he had been engaging in sexual behavior with other women devastated me and made me question the legitimacy of our entire marriage. The fact that the acting out occurred on the internet was irrelevant. He had been having emotional and sexual interactions with these women--who believed he was single--and I had been completely oblivious about it. When I confronted him about this newest evidence, he finally admitted that he was indeed a sex addict, and that these behaviors had been going on for our *entire* marriage, and even beforehand while we were engaged. Even more gut-wrenching to me was his admission that he had been turning to porn or cyber sex affairs on essentially a daily basis throughout that time. To make matters worse, he lost his job a week after my discovery--making it impossible for us to afford counseling.
I threatened to leave the house if the behavior continued, and he promised me that he would do whatever it took to stop the acting out and save our marriage. We purchased Covenant Eyes, and he downloaded numerous books related to sex addiction, including "Worthy of Her Trust." I began checking in with him on a near-daily basis to ask if he had been tempted to act out, and each time, he assured me that he was able to work through the feelings and avoid the acting out. While I never felt totally assured that the behavior had stopped, I believed that short of counseling, we were taking the right steps. I'd only received a few questionable reports from Covenant Eyes, and we discussed each one at length.
In any case, I just discovered 2 weeks ago that my fear again had become a reality. My husband had figured out alternative methods to continue engaging in sexting and cybersex in ways that I hadn't been able to discover. He admitted again to the behaviors, but won't tell me exactly how long they've been taking place. He only claimed that he had "completely stopped acting out" for a time and then "backslid" once again several months ago. In short, I am once again feeling re-traumatized. I find that all kinds of things of a sexual nature are triggering my fears and anxiety--even mildly sexual scenes on movies or television. I have so many unanswered questions, but at the same time, I'm not sure how much more I can handle knowing. I'm also experiencing constant nightmares that leave me feeling emotionally drained before my day even begins.
I've told my husband that this time, I can't move forward with continuing to live with him unless he commits to counseling and stops the acting out. He very reluctantly agreed to the counseling and has begun, but I don't believe he's being totally forthcoming with the therapist. I have a constant nagging suspicion that he may be finding ways to continue secretly acting out in undetectable ways. The worst part of all of this is that he doesn't even seem to be particularly remorseful, and aside from wanting to preserve our marriage, I don't know as though he is legitimately committed to changing. I've told him that the pain of this situation has become unbearable for me-- that I have no idea how to cope with the reality of being betrayed by the one person I once trusted more than anyone else in the world. I've also explained that my self-esteem has taken such a nosedive from this situation that I'm struggling to function and even get out of bed in the morning. But he simply says that he's sorry, tells me he loves me and earnestly doesn't want our marriage to end, and then tries to change the subject.
I'm devastated, depressed, and exasperated. I feel so alone. We can only afford for one of us to attend counseling at the moment, and he's the priority-- so I am not able to proceed with counseling for myself right now. I also have no one in my life that I can turn to. My husband is completely against discussing the issue with our pastor because he doesn't want to feel judged by him. The one person that I did open up to, right after my discovery, couldn't deal with the issue and responded by essentially cutting contact with me--which only made the wound even worse. I just don't know where to go from here. I truly wonder if things will ever get better.
I've been going through a tremendously difficult time since learning about my husband's secret sexual addiction a year ago. I've surfed these forums on numerous occasions and read others' posts, but every time I sat down to try to write about my own thoughts/feelings, I became consumed by fear and anxiety. Today, I've finally made the decision to open up about my pain for the first time in hopes that it may help the healing process to begin on some level.
At this point, I'm feeling extremely discouraged. I first began to uncover the truth about my husband's sexual addiction last May (2017) after finding pornographic materials on his phone. I confronted him immediately, and he made up a bunch of excuses about "accidentally coming across" the material. I let the topic die down for a few weeks in hopes that if he wasn't telling the truth, he'd let his guard down enough again for me to find the porn on another occasion and be honest with me. Sure enough, several weeks later, I found his search history filled with more porn-- in the form of X-rated books, images, and shows. I was absolutely devastated, and confronted him yet again. He admitted that he was looking at all of those things, but made up more excuses and tried to downplay the situation. He claimed he'd been unusually stressed at work and just needed a way to "decompress". He said he was sorry and promised that he'd stop immediately. He made it all sound like all of the porn was a recent thing that he'd just started looking at within the past few weeks, that he knew it was wrong, and that it would be easy for him to stay away from it moving forward.
Several days later--before I could even come up with a solid plan and set of boundaries to keep the pornographic material out of our home--I discovered the true depth of the addiction. Not only was he addicted to porn, but he was also carrying out elicit cyber sex interactions with numerous women on a regular basis. While he had been remarkably good at covering his tracks up until that point, he happened to leave a chat screen up on a website that I had no idea was even used for such interactions, and I discovered it after he left the room. I was shocked and heartbroken. The fact that he had been engaging in sexual behavior with other women devastated me and made me question the legitimacy of our entire marriage. The fact that the acting out occurred on the internet was irrelevant. He had been having emotional and sexual interactions with these women--who believed he was single--and I had been completely oblivious about it. When I confronted him about this newest evidence, he finally admitted that he was indeed a sex addict, and that these behaviors had been going on for our *entire* marriage, and even beforehand while we were engaged. Even more gut-wrenching to me was his admission that he had been turning to porn or cyber sex affairs on essentially a daily basis throughout that time. To make matters worse, he lost his job a week after my discovery--making it impossible for us to afford counseling.
I threatened to leave the house if the behavior continued, and he promised me that he would do whatever it took to stop the acting out and save our marriage. We purchased Covenant Eyes, and he downloaded numerous books related to sex addiction, including "Worthy of Her Trust." I began checking in with him on a near-daily basis to ask if he had been tempted to act out, and each time, he assured me that he was able to work through the feelings and avoid the acting out. While I never felt totally assured that the behavior had stopped, I believed that short of counseling, we were taking the right steps. I'd only received a few questionable reports from Covenant Eyes, and we discussed each one at length.
In any case, I just discovered 2 weeks ago that my fear again had become a reality. My husband had figured out alternative methods to continue engaging in sexting and cybersex in ways that I hadn't been able to discover. He admitted again to the behaviors, but won't tell me exactly how long they've been taking place. He only claimed that he had "completely stopped acting out" for a time and then "backslid" once again several months ago. In short, I am once again feeling re-traumatized. I find that all kinds of things of a sexual nature are triggering my fears and anxiety--even mildly sexual scenes on movies or television. I have so many unanswered questions, but at the same time, I'm not sure how much more I can handle knowing. I'm also experiencing constant nightmares that leave me feeling emotionally drained before my day even begins.
I've told my husband that this time, I can't move forward with continuing to live with him unless he commits to counseling and stops the acting out. He very reluctantly agreed to the counseling and has begun, but I don't believe he's being totally forthcoming with the therapist. I have a constant nagging suspicion that he may be finding ways to continue secretly acting out in undetectable ways. The worst part of all of this is that he doesn't even seem to be particularly remorseful, and aside from wanting to preserve our marriage, I don't know as though he is legitimately committed to changing. I've told him that the pain of this situation has become unbearable for me-- that I have no idea how to cope with the reality of being betrayed by the one person I once trusted more than anyone else in the world. I've also explained that my self-esteem has taken such a nosedive from this situation that I'm struggling to function and even get out of bed in the morning. But he simply says that he's sorry, tells me he loves me and earnestly doesn't want our marriage to end, and then tries to change the subject.
I'm devastated, depressed, and exasperated. I feel so alone. We can only afford for one of us to attend counseling at the moment, and he's the priority-- so I am not able to proceed with counseling for myself right now. I also have no one in my life that I can turn to. My husband is completely against discussing the issue with our pastor because he doesn't want to feel judged by him. The one person that I did open up to, right after my discovery, couldn't deal with the issue and responded by essentially cutting contact with me--which only made the wound even worse. I just don't know where to go from here. I truly wonder if things will ever get better.