Hi Free,
I can fully relate to everything you said. Although I've never done the massage thing, I think if I had had the experience you had where you weren't expecting it, pretty sure I wouldn't have been strong enough to resist.
- profound sense of rejection from women - check
- turning people off by oddness - check. Although this I have learnt for me is more to do with a) the insecurity I have emitted in the past, and b) anger and grumpiness in expectation of rejection
- seeds of sin in my mind my whole life - check. This is a HUUUUUGE point. Took me many years to get this. That I'm not 'hard done by', I'M my own problem (and Jesus Christ is the cure). My go-to when I find myself feeling sorry for myself, is David's prayer of forgiveness. Think it is Psalm 51:5:
"51 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar."
He says:
a) please to blot out his trangression's because of GOD's goodness, not anything of his own
b) his sin is against GOD alone
c) he himself is wicked, and that wickedness is his alone, and comes from him. Have heard this translated as 'I was born wicked from my mother's womb'.
It helps me to repeat this: it's not the situation's fault, or the bad fortune I've had. My sin is my own, and God's goodness is the only way it can be forgiven.
- Idolised beautiful women - check.
- Very lonely - check.
It is a difficult one as a man understanding how to treat women. They are very different from us, have different assumptions, see things differently, react differently than we would and respond completely differently to just about everything. That's why they can seem exotic and untouchable because we have no idea what makes them do what they do.
However, each woman is ALSO a fellow creature of God, with a heart and feelings and hopes that ARE exactly the same as ours.
While we can't treat them like men, we also can't see them as fundamentally foreign.
What has helped me hugely is the Word of God and how it teaches us to treat women. It's still a work in progress for me. I struggle now less so with the idolising and more with the line between taking a leading role - that I have found all women look for and hope for from men, and the Bible says it is so (also it just really works!) but not being bullying or overbearing - particularly with domineering women. Following the Word of God, I will no longer be domineered by women. But how to act when you meet one who wants to boss you around, without going to war with them, that is a tough one that I have not done well with. I'm thinking just quiet reserve and walking away is the way to act in that situation.
Anyway sorry am rambling now. But you're not alone!! And there is hope in Jesus. We have (because of our sinfulness that He is the cure of) wrongly learned so many things. It takes time to unlearn them, but boy is it worth it.
Here's an amazing video (part 1 of 2) about understanding the opposite sex. Really helped me:
blazinggrace.forums.net/thread/3123/understanding-opposite-shaunti-feldhahnAnother thing that came to my mind in reading your post was, something that I read or heard listening to someone talking about sex addiction that stuck with me was: it is ALWAYS associated with SHAME. If you can identify what it is in your life that is causing you to feel shame that you are using the addiction to 'numb', you are on the right track in getting to the root cause of pain, anger and sadness that is feeding this.
And like Ladystrong says (and I have to concur basically with what she says), shame is banished by LIGHT. The light of God: that is allowing the truth about yourself that you are ashamed of to be opened up to the light of other people knowing about it and seeing it. Trust me I know all about shame! And it is banished by light. The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth.
In my experience, the more people you tell about this the better.
Also lustless masturbation - there's no such thing bro! One of the best things in my recovery has been understanding the importance of 'zero tolerance'. It is WAY easier to live a Godly life without going anywhere NEAR that stuff, than it is to go a bit near it, then hope to pull back at the last moment. That's the 'wide berth' principal. God has saved me through it so many times. It's because the inspiration to keep going and to love living free and happy only comes with 'zero tolerance'. You don't get that great blessing from God that keeps you motivated with 'just a bit of sin, but not much'. For me, that has never worked.
Also hear you about the 'apparent need' and the 'pain of build-up'. I would say these are probably the same thing. I spent a long time thinking this was some kind of a physical issue that I 'needed' release and it was a body thing. What I have learnt is that it is not physical AT ALL. It is 100% a spiritual thing. There might be some nocturnal emissions somewhere along the line, but trust me you don't 'need' this, at all.
The 'pain of build-up', in my experience is the pain that you have been numbing with this drug (and it is TOTALLY a drug), is being less and less numbed, and is coming to the surface again, and that is terrifying! Here's what has happened with me:
-stumble into sin
-remorse keeps me sober for a while
-after a few days the pain (emotional) and loneliness starts knawing again. It feels like it is only going to get worse and can't possibly be resisted. But that is a lie from the enemy.
Then there comes a point where there is a choice to sin to relieve the pain or not. If you choose sin, then the whole process starts again, but a bit worse than before. OR, this happens:
- you keep resisting the devil, praying to Jesus for strength. You stay sober, but it feels like your whole world is collapsing around you. Everything starts going wrong. You get irritable, angry, frustrated, get angry at God because you're being 'good' but still nothing is going right.
Then, usually, for me at least, I have a trantrum. With God. Some small thing goes wrong and I get hugely disproportionately angry and shout and stamp my feet and am really grumpy. And THEN, it passes. The storm has passed, with Christ's help, you have won the battle. The enemy's temporary bubble has burst, as it always must, because that's all he's got. You look back and usually for me for the first time I realise 'hey, I wasn't really angry because I burnt that pizza, that was actually the bitterness and anger and frustration, the dross, that was in me, that I've been trying to numb with porn, coming to the surface and coming out. And there is peace, and you have overcome. And you see God smiling down saying 'See! I told you!'
Anyway, sorry for the long rant! God bless you. And remember, zero tolerance, wide berth, and pray to the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth when you are tempted.