Question about behavior

With all that you’ve shared in the past, I’d still be suspicious about what he says. Is he being accountable to other men right now? I’d doubt that he’s walking in freedom if he isn’t talking with other men about his issues.

As for coming together, yes, that is necessary as a couple and it is what God wants you to do. However, your husband needs to give you time and space to work things out emotionally and spiritually on your end. He will need to be sensitive to what you are saying and understand that you have the freedom to say, “Not tonight”.

On the other hand, depriving him of his need for physical intimacy for months at a time is not healthy for both of you. It is something that couples need to rebuild gradually and with “practice”. You’re going to need to tell him what you like or don’t like in those moments and he’s going to need to respect what you say. I know the images are hard to get out of your mind, they are for me too. I chose to push through difficult moments because I know with time those images will be replaced and will eventually go away. In my case, I saw a 180 degree change in my husband so it has been easier to be open with him about physical intimacy. I can see with your situation that you’re not yet sure that your husband is 100% all in so you are holding back.

Are you still seeing a therapist? Are you both in marital counseling? And have you found a church family? Those are all integral parts to rebuilding a stronger marriage. You need outside eyes and ears to help you both see things from one another’s perspectives and to hear wise counsel. If those things are going well, eventually things will be better for you both and in the area of physical intimacy. Right now, it doesn’t sound like a whole lot of trust has been rebuilt, which keeps you at bay. I hope you all are getting the help you need.

I can see why you are not totally convinced of his turnaround, he hasn’t put in a whole lot of effort to change. Talking to his dad is just a start, but it’s not a full 180. The thing is, you can’t make him do a 180 for you, it has to come from a deep understanding that he absolutely needs to surrender his life to God. He has to know deep inside that Jesus really is his Savior and follow Him wholeheartedly.
If he changes just for you, it’s not a true repentance and it will not last.
2 Corinthians 7:10-11 talks about godly sorrow vs worldly sorrow and it looks to me that he has the latter. I could be wrong since I don’t know his side, but meeting with his dad to talk doesn’t convince me either.

Bummer that your therapists were not helpful. I would keep looking and not give up. My first therapist was ok at first because I just needed someone to unload on. But, after six months, I felt like I needed more direction so I switched. My/Our therapist now is a much better fit and I’m glad I went with who our pastor recommended after all. I say that to encourage you to keep looking for someone who will be helpful to you both.

Good job on taking care of yourself! I’m so glad you stepped out and are doing something for you! It helps so much to try something different even if it’s a bit scary at first. I hope that you’re finding freedom with every little step towards change that you are taking. Also glad to hear that you and the kids are visiting a church. May your time of fellowship continue to be blessed and I pray that you would find a place where you feel safe and loved

Your father is right, you are at a crossroad. It’s not easy to be living in limbo. Forgiveness will come in time if you keep seeking the Lord, whether you go or stay, but the trust takes a lot of time and effort on both sides to be rebuilt. Is your husband actively working towards rebuilding trust with you (in big and little ways) or is he just giving it a halfhearted try? Date nights? Gifts? Spending time talking with you? Are any of those things happening in your marriage on a consistent basis?

For me, i I didn’t like being in the middle where I had high anxiety and depression because I wasn’t sure about trusting my husband anymore. I do know that I was ready to leave after finding P on my husband’s IG account after multiple lies that had stacked up from the past year. I had a rough “exit plan” in my head for at least a year and never thought I’d really want to separate from him. But, I had reached a breaking point where I knew something was terribly wrong and we needed help. And if he wasn’t willing to go all out in getting help, being accountable, and being in fellowship with people in the church, I knew I had to leave.

You both clearly need an experienced Christian marriage counselor to help you through this. Is he willing to find one who works for both of you, or is he just -blah- about it?