Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 18:59:14 GMT -7
I caught my husband viewing porn a few days ago and it has devastated me. It has been 13 years since he assured me that he was done with porn (we have our 20th anniversary this year). He admitted that he never completely stopped, but cut way back and would go weeks or months without it over all these years (but he also admitted there were times he viewed porn 2-3x week too). I am pregnant with our 10th baby who was a surprise; our oldest is getting married in a few months; my husband just started a full-time degree program 20 hours a week plus homework while working 42 plus hours a week; my father-in-law was diagnosed with stage 3 or 4 cancer (waiting on biopsy results); our 19 year old son abruptly moved out and cut ties 2 months ago after a year or so of battling depression and porn addiction (I understand now why my husband wouldn't talk to our son about it!) and I just started delving into spiritual healing from my significant childhood abuse and mild depression. Now this. I am crushed. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for almost 2 years which started when our son's issues became apparent, but my husband has never liked the counselor and thinks talk therapy is a waste of time and has made it clear that he will not discuss this with our counselor. I feel very alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or family about this for many reasons - one of the big reasons being that my husband comes from a broken home in large part due to his father's porn addiction. Another big issue is that while my husband has attended church with us for 15 years and would consider himself Christian, he has never felt a connection to God. He says prayer is "my thing" not his and he doesn't know how to ask God for anything. The kids and I however are very involved in our church community and my husband is well thought of there.
My husband is a wonderful, loving man and an amazing dad. I believe him when he says that he kept this from me out of shame and disgust with himself and that he wants to quit viewing porn, but that he doesn't know how. He told me years ago that he thought he had a problem with a too-strong sex drive, but I foolishly thought our sex life was what he meant and it seemed a little much, but not a problem to me.
I am angry at being dragged into this again. I am angry that I am sitting in my daughter's room using an incognito window to type this while she is at work so that I can keep this secret (because I cannot bring myself to touch his computer). I hate that the trust and security I felt in my marriage are now gone and I feel like the last 20 years were a lie. I am trying to be supportive and he is willing to be open when he feels tempted instead of trying to tough it out on his own, but I know he needs more help than I can offer. It is fair to say that he has no time right now to try and "fix this" but at the same time I don't feel like it can wait. I have told my husband that it is up to him to decide what to do to fix this because it is his problem and I cannot fix it for him. It terrifies me that he may decide it is too hard to change and I will then be left with no good choices.
My hope is that this group will offer me a place to sort through my thoughts and hopefully glean enough information to get pointed in the right direction to heal my marriage.
My husband is a wonderful, loving man and an amazing dad. I believe him when he says that he kept this from me out of shame and disgust with himself and that he wants to quit viewing porn, but that he doesn't know how. He told me years ago that he thought he had a problem with a too-strong sex drive, but I foolishly thought our sex life was what he meant and it seemed a little much, but not a problem to me.
I am angry at being dragged into this again. I am angry that I am sitting in my daughter's room using an incognito window to type this while she is at work so that I can keep this secret (because I cannot bring myself to touch his computer). I hate that the trust and security I felt in my marriage are now gone and I feel like the last 20 years were a lie. I am trying to be supportive and he is willing to be open when he feels tempted instead of trying to tough it out on his own, but I know he needs more help than I can offer. It is fair to say that he has no time right now to try and "fix this" but at the same time I don't feel like it can wait. I have told my husband that it is up to him to decide what to do to fix this because it is his problem and I cannot fix it for him. It terrifies me that he may decide it is too hard to change and I will then be left with no good choices.
My hope is that this group will offer me a place to sort through my thoughts and hopefully glean enough information to get pointed in the right direction to heal my marriage.