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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2018 19:36:18 GMT -7
It is amazing how this addiction controls and takes over a person's life. I remember well the feeling of hopelessness and all the negative thoughts I was bombarded with when I first let God in to help me deal with and overcome my sin addiction. Its not until you hit bottom that you can find the will to fight and unfortunately some don't.
The anger you feel is normal. Express it in a healthy way...take it to God, write a letter, go to a safe spot and scream.
I am still praying for you and your husband for strength, peace and a will to fight.
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 21, 2018 15:37:34 GMT -7
I’m sorry you’re feeling down, I know how difficult the process can be. Seems like a lot of guys get very discouraged that we will never trust them again so then they give up in their minds, in their spirits and their efforts instead of realizing that there’s so much hope. I know my H has a hard time feeling like we will never get to full trust since he had the affair. And then he often says he feels like giving up. I try to encourage him to look at where we were 15 months ago (d-day) and where we are now as a benchmark. There’s a HUGE difference. I encourage him by pointing to the fact that I’m not crying everyday and my “tantrums” (when I pound him with questions) are fewer and farther apart. I encourage him by saying that I can see God’s hand in this and that we are doing WAY better than we were before.
So much of this recovery takes time and effort. I can see that you are willing to be all in but he is lagging behind because of fear. Hold on to Jesus while he finds his way. Only God can move his heart but he has to be willing to open it up to Him. It can be very scary for men to reach out to others because of fear, shame, and bad past experiences. Pray that God would place another man whom he feels he can confide in. It took my H a long time to feel comfortable enough to admit his sins to another man but he finally found freedom after two years of hiding what he did.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 17:31:59 GMT -7
Seems like a lot of guys get very discouraged that we will never trust them again so then they give up in their minds, in their spirit. So much of this recovery takes time and effort. I can see that you are willing to be all in but he is lagging behind because of fear. Hold on to Jesus while he finds his way. Only God can move his heart but he has to be willing to open it up to Him. It can be very scary for men to reach out to others because of fear, shame, and bad past experiences.
Totally agree I feel all of that is what’s happening. I just have to pray for guidance regarding DO I wait longer even though he is moving out and not seeking help and checked out of the marriage or Do I end this marriage and move on.
Pray that God would place another man whom he feels he can confide in. It took my H a long time to feel comfortable enough to admit his sins to another man but he finally found freedom after two years of hiding what he did.
I pray for him daily regardless if we are together He needs help. I will now add to put a Godly trust worthy man in his path.
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 24, 2018 8:01:49 GMT -7
It is good that you can see the bigger picture in this, that his walk with God is at stake. I’m glad you are still praying for him. It takes courage to let him go to God and let God do the work in His life.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2018 18:04:51 GMT -7
Just wanted to give update. I took a trip to clear my head. I am sure he was binging on P the whole time I was gonna. I was given the cold shoulder when I returned. I decided it was time to file but still had the feeling I should try one last time. I had a great meeting with my pastor who told me ask him yes or no does he wanted me to be his wife. If it’s yes anything can be worked out with will. Unfortunately his answer was no. I will be filing for divorce. Not the answer I hoped for but I gave it my all. I can now start to move on. Sad P has ruined my marriage and him. I feel fear is what holds him back. Fear he will not spot or will and has to deal with reality. I will still check in time to time. I thank you all for your wisdom and support.
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 2, 2018 18:42:18 GMT -7
My heart hurts with you. I’m sorry that he did not try to give it a real chance. You’re in my prayers. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 20:34:29 GMT -7
I am sorry strength. It is hard to file for divorce. I had to do that also. I never imagined what my marriage would turn out to be but one thing held true for me. God told me I would be in a ministry that deals with porn and sex addiction. God works in unusual ways.
Please do keep checking in with us. We love and care for you. Going through this won't be easy so remember we are here. I am praying for you sweet sister.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2018 16:05:41 GMT -7
I'm sorry to, Strength. It's hard enough to go through what we have without the pain of feeling rejected. I pray for you to know your true value throughout all this. We are here for you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2018 6:34:41 GMT -7
Shortly after my last post he told me he wants help to stop P. He doesn’t want a divorce but is not sure we can get back what we had. He seems concerned about having passion for me. I know this addiction is what’s taking these feelings away. I he’s not able to see the full impact yet. I prayin time he will.
I couldn’t file wondering what if.. so I have decided to hold off filing for divorce. So far he has complied with my boundaries. It’s still early. I am very guarded. He is still in the guest room until I can trust he is truly all in for help. We are trying to find a affordable counselor option available on the weekend. He says he will see a counselor for himself but feels it’s more for my piece of mind. Wondering if any spouses have tried home base recovery programs such as DVD or online videos?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2018 7:06:03 GMT -7
He needs face to face interaction with at least one man that has been solid in his own recovery with porn and sex addiction. Dvd and books can help but having accountability with another male is key. Blazing Grace offers books and phone groups. www.blazinggrace.org |
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 15, 2018 15:34:57 GMT -7
That’s good that he’s at least willing to see a counselor. Online and DVD interventions are just a start. He really needs to find someone safe to talk with about this and commit to meeting with the person weekly. In time, like over the course of a year, the meetings should taper off. The only thing I hear in your post that concerns me is that he’s just doing this for you. It really has to be something he does for himself and his relationship with Christ. I can say that when my husband was still hiding his affair he often said he’d quit X, Y, or Z just for me. But, I knew it had to be for Jesus and not just for me.
You are right to be guarded. Your heart has been broken multiple times and needs the time and space to heal. If he is truly repentant he will understand your need for healing and be sensitive to those times when you just don’t have it in you to be physically intimate. I pray that you would continue to cling to God and that he would seek after God as well.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2018 15:43:58 GMT -7
Online and DVD interventions are just a start. He really needs to find someone safe to talk with about this and commit to meeting with the person weekly. IThe only thing I hear in your post that concerns me is that he’s just doing this for you. It really has to be something he does for himself and his relationship with Christ.
lady strong I was also concerned about his statement. I even told him this has to because he is ready to stop P. He says he is willing.I was thinking DVD along with counselor. I am not sure how open he will be with counselor. I hope he can be honest and let the person help come up with good recovery plan. Express important of someone to talk to. Time will tell if he if really ready. Thank you for input So helpful to hear from others.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2018 17:39:48 GMT -7
Hey Ladies been awhile. Wanted to provide update and seek advice. he stopped counseling I thought ok we can go now.he already agreed to this. When a asked about scheduling it didn’t go well. Angry and stonewall on his end. He says he hasn’t used P in months. Fast forward a few weeks he’s been moody distant.Three days later he’s not talking to me about issues and goes back into guest room. I find he’s been looking for apartments. Still claims he is porn free. I don’t believe it. I believe he cheated on me. He has broken all my boundaries. I told him he needs move out ASAP. I am done I can no longer deal with emotional abuse he has broken all my boundaries. He says his hearts not in it that’s why. He’s moving out this weekend. He has been reckless with my heart. I can not trust him again. I am praying a lot. Need advice books etc on healing.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2018 21:10:40 GMT -7
Hon, I am sorry. Hugs and prayers are coming at you.
My best advice for healing is to let God lead you. Spend lots of time talking to Him. Let Him minister to you. Write letters to your husband and burn them. Get out you hurt and anger. Do the same with God.
Healing takes time and sometimes it feels like you are dealing with the same thing over and over again. Keep dealing with it. Also don't let condemnation in. This is where I have a difficult time myself. Condemnation is not from our Lord.
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Post by ladystrong on Oct 28, 2018 14:26:34 GMT -7
I’m sorry you are still going through all of this. Books I’d recommend: The Wife’s Heart by Mike Genung (founder of this site)
Victory in Spiritual Warfare by Tony Evans
Our Daily Bread bible app (daily devotionals)
Sunshine and Storms by Susan Lenzkes
No Other Gods by Kelly Minter (more of an in-depth bible study about the idols in our lives)
Torn Asunder by Carder (meant to deconstruct any kind of affair with your wayward spouse but also pretty good at helping to understand each person’s part in the marriage)
The only advice I have is to pray for his salvation. He is very lost and very discouraged so he probably thinks it’s too much work to rebuild. There’s a very strong spiritual stronghold in place that needs to be broken.
In the mean time, take good care of yourself even if you feel like melting into a puddle. Get exercise, write in a journal, take walks, go to sleep early, eat well, etc. I would also suggest reading through the psalms and writing down any scripture that “speaks” to you on 3x5 cards. God wants what is best for you and He has good plans for you. Keep reminding yourself what He has done in your life and praise Him for it all. Listen to praise and worship music (it’s an awesome way to remember scripture and look up new scripture).
I pray that you would be at peace in your heart even though there’s a heavy storm in the midst. *HUGS*
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