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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 17:05:18 GMT -7
Been a few months since the last major fall out over P addiction. Seen some positive improvement in his behavior and our marriage. My H still hasn't started some form of professional help. I have no reason to believe P has fully stopped. I am finalizing my boundaries to present to him. Trouble I am having is what will I do if he doesn't comply with them? Most things I can think of will make me feel like his parent. I have been praying and looking at many resources. Still having difficulty. Any suggestions or advice.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 17:43:40 GMT -7
The consequences have to hurt. Unfortunately it usually will hurt you both. In home separation, complete separation, are a couple that should be used for grave offenses. What will work for one may not work for another. You know your husband best plus you know whether or not you can implement the consequences. Do not use a consequence you are not able to handle implementing. You will be tested and if you back down, things will not change. Also your boundaries will change as you and your husband work on your relationship.
Hugs and prayers for you hon.
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Boundaries
Jan 19, 2018 20:24:52 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 20:24:52 GMT -7
Just wanted to add that your boundaries should be for you, not your husband. By that I mean they should be things you need to feel safe, not things he must do or you will have to punish him. The difference is subtle, but the goal is not for you to have to parent him, but for him to know what will happen if he chooses to violate your boundaries. For example, I don't like smoking. I don't want to be around it, so I won't be. Other people have the right to smoke if they want to. But, I don't have to be around it if I don't want to be. So, if a man chooses to smoke, he will have to do it away from me. I hope that illustration helps. It helped me to look at things that way. Each time my husband violated a standard I set, he chose not to live in our home with me. It's not what I had to punish him with. It's a consequence he chose.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 8:59:33 GMT -7
My husband has been viewing pornography. We have been down this road before and here it is again. I feel like he drove a truck through our marriage. I don't know how far this goes, since he lied and called me "nuts" before I discovered it. I have cut off sexual contact right now and he demands that I resume even though he admitted thinking of other woman flashing into his mind when we had sex for a few seconds. It's always minimizing, he said he looked at pornography several times when it was MANY. I'm not ready to have sex with him, and he has promised to keep accountable (keep his cell phone at home and let me watch his activities on the computer). Now he is flinching at doing this because I am not giving in to his sexual demands. Some of the things he was opening were hookup sites and I want to visit a physician and ensure I don't have a disease. He is pressuring me. I am not ready.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 9:07:53 GMT -7
Also, my husband says he was looking at porn and not lusting. I find that to be impossible. It has only been three weeks since I cut off relations with him.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 10:56:34 GMT -7
I'm sorry you're going through that. I can relate. He's wrong to do any of that to you, but I want to reassure you that your instincts are correct. Hold to what you feel is right. You're not crazy or blameworthy for any of this. God knows it and so do we. Hugs and prayers for you, friend.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 11:31:49 GMT -7
Hi mommy welcome to BG. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Stick to your boundaries. And go get yourself tested for stds. You are not crazy. Trust your instincts.
Porn addicts can not look at porn and not lust or be triggered. We constantly have to be vigilant with what we view because it can lead us to stumbling.
Does your husband have a male accountability partner? Is he going to an addicts group? Is he spending time in the bible? Basically at this stage you need to look at his actions.
Hugs sweet sister. I will be praying for you.
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Boundaries
Feb 15, 2018 17:46:46 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 17:46:46 GMT -7
Mommyface. You are not nuts trusts your instincts do what you need to feel safe. He has no right to pressure you. Getting tested will likely bring you piece of mind. Be strong and bold know you are a daughter of Jesus. I am sorry you are going through this that anyone has to go through it.
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Boundaries
Feb 15, 2018 17:58:31 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 17:58:31 GMT -7
I am going to have the hardest conversation with my husband yet. I am at a turning point he gets one week to start getting help or we are going to separate. I have no idea what the outcome will be. It’s me or the addiction. I can’t continue the way things are. I will be heartbroken if we divorce but I am heartbroken every day knowing he is not getting help and choosing me.
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Boundaries
Feb 15, 2018 18:18:25 GMT -7
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 15, 2018 18:18:25 GMT -7
I am sorry you have to lay down the law. I was at a crossroads as well after two years of continuous secrets being revealed every 3-6 months. I was on the brink of leaving and had already started to map out an “escape plan” with my kids. Wrote an email to our pastor, met with him and my H, and that’s when things started to really turn around and the truth was wide open in two weeks time. It was a very painful time but I’m glad I stuck to my convictions because something had to change and I wasn’t going to take the dishonesty any longer. I hope that your H is convicted by the Holy Spirit and fully repents. Praying for you to have the strength and courage that you need from God to go through with your decisions.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 19:36:02 GMT -7
Strengthandcourage, hugs hon. Remember we are here for you. Be prepared for him to test your resolve. Have Christ on speed dial and some friends you trust. I will be praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 13:15:42 GMT -7
I feel for all of you wives. My husband stuck the gynecology papers in the trash. He knew I was getting tested for STD's and ruined my papers. So far, he has no accountability partner and I am going to suggest taking the men's course or I don't think I can stay in this marriage anymore. I has post traumatic stress so bad I thought I would die from anxiety. I have given him mercy and I just do not think I can take it anymore unless he walks the walk. He impacts my mental health so bad. He is not coming clean about the lust, telling me, "Are you God? How can you know my heart?". By your actions, buddy.
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Boundaries
Feb 16, 2018 13:36:43 GMT -7
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 16, 2018 13:36:43 GMT -7
I know how PTSD feels. I didn’t eat much for fives days after my H told me about his affair. I don’t know how I got rest but I know I made sure I went to the gym as often as possible. I still have triggers a year later but they are less frequent and less intense.
Right now, are you able to take care of yourself? Like get exercise, eat well and get sufficient rest? Do you have people to call or text when you’re feeling anxious and upset? Are you currently seeing a Christian counselor? I’d start there and put the marriage on hold.
It sounds like he is still in denial. My H was similar in his behavior when I was upset over his drunkenness. He threw out all of what he learned over a 15 year period because he was depressed and then reverted to his old pattern of dealing with issues: drugs, alcohol, and sex (with another woman). I did ask that God would convict him in a journal entry. God answered... just not in the way I had imagined or hoped. Took two years for him to confess what happened.
There’s not a whole lot you can do but enlist others to pray for you both. I will keep you in prayer my friend.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 18:13:14 GMT -7
I feel for all of you wives. My husband stuck the gynecology papers in the trash. He knew I was getting tested for STD's and ruined my papers. So far, he has no accountability partner and I am going to suggest taking the men's course or I don't think I can stay in this marriage anymore. I has post traumatic stress so bad I thought I would die from anxiety. I have given him mercy and I just do not think I can take it anymore unless he walks the walk. He impacts my mental health so bad. He is not coming clean about the lust, telling me, "Are you God? How can you know my heart?". By your actions, buddy. Gotta love the passive aggressive bullying. I grew up with it and now that I am mom's caretaker, I get hit with it frequently. I actually had to put down a boundary with her a couple weeks ago. So far it's working. I also suffer with PTSD. Mine is from the sexual abuse I went through growing up. Keep reminding yourself of the truth. Set down boundaries. Get your testing done, don't let him interfere with that. Hugs sweet sister. I am praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 18:13:32 GMT -7
Ladies I did it. Very difficult but I stuck to my plan. Despite Him trying to pull no matter what he had I will not believe him. I said put your actions with words I am done talking his empty word. We are keeping our distance but civil. We will see what the week brings. I gave him until Sunday. I don’t know what the future holds. I know I did what I needed for me I have peace with that!
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