Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2017 8:04:45 GMT -7
New to the forum and wanted to share my story. I'm usually a very private person but I'm drowning here and need an outlet and I'm too embarrassed to talk to family/friends. So here it goes.
I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful boys together (4 & 20 months) and another baby due this June. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I caught my husband sneaking cigarettes. I used to be a smoker so I get it. I know it's hard to quit, but the fact that he was lying and sneaking around didn't sit well with me. I don't remember how I made the jump from hiding cigarettes to hiding something worse, but something led me to ask to see his checking account statement and he put up such a fight that I became more and more suspicious. Eventually he told me that he had been visiting massage parlors and paying for happy endings. He didn't want me to see his account because he thought I would question the large (and frequent) cash withdrawals.
It wasn't easy but I decided to forgive him and we moved on. When I was pregnant with our second, I caught him smoking again but nothing else came of it. Fast forward to Christmas night. I caught him smoking again and something about the way he was acting asked me to see his credit card statements (we now share a checking account). 12/26 (D Day) I logged into his online credit card account and found 2 "spa" charges and 2 charges to a strip club.
I texted him and told him it's over. Since then, there's been a lot of discussion, tears, and anger. It turns out this has been a habit of his for some time, even predating our relationship. He says he has no emotional attachment and has no idea why he does it but could be a sex addict. It has since come out that he was molested as a child. He and his family went to counseling and he says he really doesn't remember much of the actual incident which apparently was the goal. I don't know if that contributed to his actions or not. We both agreed he needs to seek counseling rather we stay together or not, but it's expensive and just not in the budget right now with everything else we have going on. We are supposed to close on our townhome Jan 26th and are under contract to begin building what was supposed to be our dream home, which, by the way, is largely being financed from my life savings. I'm also dealing with a high risk pregnancy and a new job so this whole mess is just icing on the cake. I still want to sell the townhome but need to make a decision on the new house ASAP since we don't have the luxury of time,then I need to decide what to do about my marriage. Not sure if getting out of the contract is even an option at this point. We'd probably lose our 5k good faith payment, but I guess in the long run it's better than investing and potentially losing my life's savings with a partner I cannot trust.
He says he's willing to do anything to keep us together. I can monitor his accounts, cell phone tracking, etc... but part of me is like why do I have to do all that?!? He is the offender here, not me. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life working to make sure he stays faithful. So many emotions. If this was happening to any other friend/family member, my advice would be to get out now, but my judgment is completely clouded by everything else that's going on and of course, our kids. Despite everything, I can't see myself leaving. I don't know if it's out of fear of starting over? Being alone with a high risk pregnancy and new baby? Where would we live? What would this do to my kids? Am I just staying out of convenience?? I never thought of myself as a weak person but I feel like I must be insane to even consider keeping myself in this situation.
We've had our issues but this type of betrayal was never something I worried about with him. He wasn't big into going out so was always home with us on weekends and at night (he would visit these places during the day on his lunch break) and he wasn't the kind of guy to sneak glances at other women. It's been very strange for me to try to reconcile the image of the man I thought I knew the past 10 years, to everything I'm now finding out. Our entire relationship has been a lie, and there could still be things I don't even know. And not that it would be much better, but it's not like these were drunken mistakes. He researched these places ahead of time and would even take his ring off. Ironic that he didn't want the strippers/massage girls to judge him for being married, but he had no problem being unfaithful to his wife and family
I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful boys together (4 & 20 months) and another baby due this June. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I caught my husband sneaking cigarettes. I used to be a smoker so I get it. I know it's hard to quit, but the fact that he was lying and sneaking around didn't sit well with me. I don't remember how I made the jump from hiding cigarettes to hiding something worse, but something led me to ask to see his checking account statement and he put up such a fight that I became more and more suspicious. Eventually he told me that he had been visiting massage parlors and paying for happy endings. He didn't want me to see his account because he thought I would question the large (and frequent) cash withdrawals.
It wasn't easy but I decided to forgive him and we moved on. When I was pregnant with our second, I caught him smoking again but nothing else came of it. Fast forward to Christmas night. I caught him smoking again and something about the way he was acting asked me to see his credit card statements (we now share a checking account). 12/26 (D Day) I logged into his online credit card account and found 2 "spa" charges and 2 charges to a strip club.
I texted him and told him it's over. Since then, there's been a lot of discussion, tears, and anger. It turns out this has been a habit of his for some time, even predating our relationship. He says he has no emotional attachment and has no idea why he does it but could be a sex addict. It has since come out that he was molested as a child. He and his family went to counseling and he says he really doesn't remember much of the actual incident which apparently was the goal. I don't know if that contributed to his actions or not. We both agreed he needs to seek counseling rather we stay together or not, but it's expensive and just not in the budget right now with everything else we have going on. We are supposed to close on our townhome Jan 26th and are under contract to begin building what was supposed to be our dream home, which, by the way, is largely being financed from my life savings. I'm also dealing with a high risk pregnancy and a new job so this whole mess is just icing on the cake. I still want to sell the townhome but need to make a decision on the new house ASAP since we don't have the luxury of time,then I need to decide what to do about my marriage. Not sure if getting out of the contract is even an option at this point. We'd probably lose our 5k good faith payment, but I guess in the long run it's better than investing and potentially losing my life's savings with a partner I cannot trust.
He says he's willing to do anything to keep us together. I can monitor his accounts, cell phone tracking, etc... but part of me is like why do I have to do all that?!? He is the offender here, not me. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life working to make sure he stays faithful. So many emotions. If this was happening to any other friend/family member, my advice would be to get out now, but my judgment is completely clouded by everything else that's going on and of course, our kids. Despite everything, I can't see myself leaving. I don't know if it's out of fear of starting over? Being alone with a high risk pregnancy and new baby? Where would we live? What would this do to my kids? Am I just staying out of convenience?? I never thought of myself as a weak person but I feel like I must be insane to even consider keeping myself in this situation.
We've had our issues but this type of betrayal was never something I worried about with him. He wasn't big into going out so was always home with us on weekends and at night (he would visit these places during the day on his lunch break) and he wasn't the kind of guy to sneak glances at other women. It's been very strange for me to try to reconcile the image of the man I thought I knew the past 10 years, to everything I'm now finding out. Our entire relationship has been a lie, and there could still be things I don't even know. And not that it would be much better, but it's not like these were drunken mistakes. He researched these places ahead of time and would even take his ring off. Ironic that he didn't want the strippers/massage girls to judge him for being married, but he had no problem being unfaithful to his wife and family