Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 21:37:30 GMT -7
Hi everyone, this is my first post and just signed up. I could really use some advice regarding my situation.
I believe my DH has a PA or MB A. I knew he watched P when we dated but we were in a long distance relationship and only saw eachother every other weekend for almost the 8 months. However, I begin to grow worried when we were preparing to move in to our house together. He was preparing his computer "to get moved to our house", while doing this he opened a folder that had tons of P videos. I again shook it off as we werent together much.
Then I would find internet history of P or pages of P left open. When I brought it up to him, he was defensive and angry (which is his typical go to. I asked him to stop. A few days later he apologized and said he would stop. After this I would start to notice he would act kind of weird some times when I got home from work (he was going to school). At first I tried to shake it off, but then I grew more suspicous and would start obsessing over his internet history not just on the computer but now on his phone. Which lead to me finding he was watch it again. We would have a blowup argument then he'd apologize and say he'd stop. This cycle went on every 6-8 months. One of the worst times was when he was looking at P before we would have sex, like he couldn't get aroused other wise???
Then last January, I found it again and I lost it. I am not proud of how I reacted but I really feel like he is at this point purposefully disregarding how it makes me feel and how it effects my trust in him. So I screamed and yelled at him and told him I was done. I was tired of feeling paranoid and hearing promise after promise he'd stop. I ordered him to the stay in the study.
All while this was happening, our sex lives was slowing way down to about once a month. This is one reason I was so hurt in January. I felt like he did desire sex because of the MB and P.
After two days, I realized that I reacted poorly and wrote a letter explaining myself feelings. I wrote that I missed him and if he was willing to work on this than I was still committed to our marriage. I also left some articles about how P makes a woman feel and what it does to a relationship.When he got home that night he read the letter and came in our room, told me he loved me and he missed me. He promised he would stop again. I guess I should also add that DH told me early on in our relationship that he had pain in his penis pretty much constantly and he has never been able to O during sex. Only can if MB.
So when he came back, I told him had to go to the doctor to see what was wrong and commit to going to counseling. He was not happy with the counseling. But I made the appointments for both and told him I was going no matter if he went or not. He started getting test run. Then he became depressed and would sleep most the time. He went to a Low T doctor and was give some vitamins and testosterone. He starteed feeling better. But no sex drive still.
By May we were seeing a Sex Therapist, the PA and MB was not the focus of the counseling. I believe the counselor felt DH was being honest about P and MB. He told her that it was a means to an end and could stop. So we focused on building our communication and his sexual desire. We did lots of communication building techniques and touch exercises, which were really hard because I have a high sex drive! To more we went to counseling the less sex we had, but I felt we were communicating a lot better.
Then a few weeks ago, DH wasn't communicating much as was acting strange. He went and got a hair cut (which normally he waits until it gets really long and saved). I thought nothing of this at first, then the next day he went and bought some new clothes. Which he never does with out me. Again thought, things have been good and I was being paranoid. So, I GPSed him and he was by his work but didn't work that day. When I tried to ask what he was up to or what he did that day. He said nothing. I tried like 5 times to give him a chance to tell me. So, I calmly asked him if he was keeping his journal that he committed to doing in counseling. He said I will be honest not the last few days. I said not the last few days or last couple of months?(I had already been checking his journal to see if he was keeping it, I know very passive aggressive). Then he blew up and got defensive, telling me that he doesn't tell the truht because he knows I already know. Whats the point. I asked him if he went to work, he said no. I said I knew he was there. I asked what he wore, he said a jogging suit. I said then why is your new shirt all sweaty like you wore it today. No matter what i asked he lied.
He then said he was done, he was tired of me tracking his every move and not trusting him. He countinued to say he is miserable and cant do this anymore. I was taken back because it seemed things were at least getting a little better and he never said otherwise. So I kind of just let him be until our next counseling session which was a about a week away. So we get to the session and he bascially says he is done and cant do this. That he cant be the man I need. He says he loves me but cant take it anymore he has to get away. He felt he was done when I kicked him to the study in January. He cant think. I say okay,I tell him I cant take him living in the house like roomates. He would need to leave. I am assuming we are done. I talk to the counselor alone and she tells me to let him make the decision and let it be. She recommends him to come back to individual counseling.
So, I just try to be as nice as I can be and give him space. When we get home, he is crying uncontrolably saying he was sorry and that he loves me. I just hugged him and told him I wanted him to be happy. I continue to check on him but give him space. After two days, (I left one night and went to a friends, he told me he didnt think i was coming back) I asked him if he wanted to talk. He said yes, I tell him I want him happy and dont want to cause more pain. He continues with I love you but I dont know if I am in love with you. He doesnt want a divorce but feels he needs space. I said okay, but let him know that i am here for him and that just sitting talking with him felt better. This was the calmest he has ever talked about his feelings. I tell him if he wants to spend time together and just watch tv I am okay with that. So about 15 minutes later he comes in the room and never leaves.
We slowly start to hold hands and he would respond to I love you. Then he started working on build us a new bed. We worked on it together one weekend. Although, we slowly seemed to be getting back to ourselves, He still seemed distanct at points. I even apologized for not trusting him, that he had proven he was committed to working on it. I asked him to forgive me and explained why I check his stuff, but told him I would stop. I even deleted Find a phone on my phone so I couldn't track him. This was huge for me. I had never beared my soul this way and asked for forgiveness. He started smiling at me and initiating holding hands, I love yous, hugs even watchig me sleept and smiling with loving eyes when I woke up and cuddles. I did ask if I could pleasure him, he said no (initiating sex was something i was to try to do) Fast foward to Friday, I get up early to work in the study and as I am sitting there just waiting for something to print, I look down and see a cell phone under a book. I initially think nothing of it, just another old phone (my DH likes to collect tech). So I turn the phone on and notifications for messages start coming up. I look and see a guy friend he has and some females. What I first saw looked innocent, so I check the google history and there was so much P history that as I scrolled I only got to two days worth. I actually was going to just talk to him about the P, but then I went back to the messages and start reading. He called this girl pretty lady and told her your my most favorite person in the word. This are words that he hasnt even said to me. I was so full of rage, I could believe it. It was like every little thing I shrugged off was actually a red flag of this.
I got in our room and pick up his phone to see the difference. He wakes up and again is angry and defensive. Basically we argue, I tell him I am going to call this girl (she was a co-worker). I could tell he didn;t want to be embarrashed. He gets even angrier and demands the extra phone. After say no, he basically pushed me down and took the phone. He tells me he felt bad and he had know were to go thats why he stayed, he wasn't proud of what he did. I was furious that he denied having initiated affection. I told him he needed to leave then if he didnt want to be here. Before he left I asked him to give me his wedding ring, and that if he didn't want to be married he should just take it off.
So I kick him out, he had to go to work that day. I called in sick. I packed his clothes and put them in his truck at work. I have not talked to him since. His mother lives with us and she said he was shocked that I packed his clothes. I told her, he told me he was done and that was what he wanted. I did send him an email, letting him know he needs to seek help for his PA and that I would be praying for God to help him heal. I included several articles as well.
It was like a veil had been lifted, all his strange behavior and my paranoia made sense. He told me had the phone since May when we started counseling!! I was so hurt, all this time I thought he was trying and working to repair our marriage.
He replied today, aking to meet to talk and request that we do it with the counselor present. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just let him go? I am so scared that he will just move out and be miserable and just end our marriage because it is easy.
I am so sick with fear, depressed, sadness. I truly love him and don't want my marriage to end but I have read that Hs with PA have to hit bottum before they will seek help. I will take any advice or suggestions. I am truly lost!
I believe my DH has a PA or MB A. I knew he watched P when we dated but we were in a long distance relationship and only saw eachother every other weekend for almost the 8 months. However, I begin to grow worried when we were preparing to move in to our house together. He was preparing his computer "to get moved to our house", while doing this he opened a folder that had tons of P videos. I again shook it off as we werent together much.
Then I would find internet history of P or pages of P left open. When I brought it up to him, he was defensive and angry (which is his typical go to. I asked him to stop. A few days later he apologized and said he would stop. After this I would start to notice he would act kind of weird some times when I got home from work (he was going to school). At first I tried to shake it off, but then I grew more suspicous and would start obsessing over his internet history not just on the computer but now on his phone. Which lead to me finding he was watch it again. We would have a blowup argument then he'd apologize and say he'd stop. This cycle went on every 6-8 months. One of the worst times was when he was looking at P before we would have sex, like he couldn't get aroused other wise???
Then last January, I found it again and I lost it. I am not proud of how I reacted but I really feel like he is at this point purposefully disregarding how it makes me feel and how it effects my trust in him. So I screamed and yelled at him and told him I was done. I was tired of feeling paranoid and hearing promise after promise he'd stop. I ordered him to the stay in the study.
All while this was happening, our sex lives was slowing way down to about once a month. This is one reason I was so hurt in January. I felt like he did desire sex because of the MB and P.
After two days, I realized that I reacted poorly and wrote a letter explaining myself feelings. I wrote that I missed him and if he was willing to work on this than I was still committed to our marriage. I also left some articles about how P makes a woman feel and what it does to a relationship.When he got home that night he read the letter and came in our room, told me he loved me and he missed me. He promised he would stop again. I guess I should also add that DH told me early on in our relationship that he had pain in his penis pretty much constantly and he has never been able to O during sex. Only can if MB.
So when he came back, I told him had to go to the doctor to see what was wrong and commit to going to counseling. He was not happy with the counseling. But I made the appointments for both and told him I was going no matter if he went or not. He started getting test run. Then he became depressed and would sleep most the time. He went to a Low T doctor and was give some vitamins and testosterone. He starteed feeling better. But no sex drive still.
By May we were seeing a Sex Therapist, the PA and MB was not the focus of the counseling. I believe the counselor felt DH was being honest about P and MB. He told her that it was a means to an end and could stop. So we focused on building our communication and his sexual desire. We did lots of communication building techniques and touch exercises, which were really hard because I have a high sex drive! To more we went to counseling the less sex we had, but I felt we were communicating a lot better.
Then a few weeks ago, DH wasn't communicating much as was acting strange. He went and got a hair cut (which normally he waits until it gets really long and saved). I thought nothing of this at first, then the next day he went and bought some new clothes. Which he never does with out me. Again thought, things have been good and I was being paranoid. So, I GPSed him and he was by his work but didn't work that day. When I tried to ask what he was up to or what he did that day. He said nothing. I tried like 5 times to give him a chance to tell me. So, I calmly asked him if he was keeping his journal that he committed to doing in counseling. He said I will be honest not the last few days. I said not the last few days or last couple of months?(I had already been checking his journal to see if he was keeping it, I know very passive aggressive). Then he blew up and got defensive, telling me that he doesn't tell the truht because he knows I already know. Whats the point. I asked him if he went to work, he said no. I said I knew he was there. I asked what he wore, he said a jogging suit. I said then why is your new shirt all sweaty like you wore it today. No matter what i asked he lied.
He then said he was done, he was tired of me tracking his every move and not trusting him. He countinued to say he is miserable and cant do this anymore. I was taken back because it seemed things were at least getting a little better and he never said otherwise. So I kind of just let him be until our next counseling session which was a about a week away. So we get to the session and he bascially says he is done and cant do this. That he cant be the man I need. He says he loves me but cant take it anymore he has to get away. He felt he was done when I kicked him to the study in January. He cant think. I say okay,I tell him I cant take him living in the house like roomates. He would need to leave. I am assuming we are done. I talk to the counselor alone and she tells me to let him make the decision and let it be. She recommends him to come back to individual counseling.
So, I just try to be as nice as I can be and give him space. When we get home, he is crying uncontrolably saying he was sorry and that he loves me. I just hugged him and told him I wanted him to be happy. I continue to check on him but give him space. After two days, (I left one night and went to a friends, he told me he didnt think i was coming back) I asked him if he wanted to talk. He said yes, I tell him I want him happy and dont want to cause more pain. He continues with I love you but I dont know if I am in love with you. He doesnt want a divorce but feels he needs space. I said okay, but let him know that i am here for him and that just sitting talking with him felt better. This was the calmest he has ever talked about his feelings. I tell him if he wants to spend time together and just watch tv I am okay with that. So about 15 minutes later he comes in the room and never leaves.
We slowly start to hold hands and he would respond to I love you. Then he started working on build us a new bed. We worked on it together one weekend. Although, we slowly seemed to be getting back to ourselves, He still seemed distanct at points. I even apologized for not trusting him, that he had proven he was committed to working on it. I asked him to forgive me and explained why I check his stuff, but told him I would stop. I even deleted Find a phone on my phone so I couldn't track him. This was huge for me. I had never beared my soul this way and asked for forgiveness. He started smiling at me and initiating holding hands, I love yous, hugs even watchig me sleept and smiling with loving eyes when I woke up and cuddles. I did ask if I could pleasure him, he said no (initiating sex was something i was to try to do) Fast foward to Friday, I get up early to work in the study and as I am sitting there just waiting for something to print, I look down and see a cell phone under a book. I initially think nothing of it, just another old phone (my DH likes to collect tech). So I turn the phone on and notifications for messages start coming up. I look and see a guy friend he has and some females. What I first saw looked innocent, so I check the google history and there was so much P history that as I scrolled I only got to two days worth. I actually was going to just talk to him about the P, but then I went back to the messages and start reading. He called this girl pretty lady and told her your my most favorite person in the word. This are words that he hasnt even said to me. I was so full of rage, I could believe it. It was like every little thing I shrugged off was actually a red flag of this.
I got in our room and pick up his phone to see the difference. He wakes up and again is angry and defensive. Basically we argue, I tell him I am going to call this girl (she was a co-worker). I could tell he didn;t want to be embarrashed. He gets even angrier and demands the extra phone. After say no, he basically pushed me down and took the phone. He tells me he felt bad and he had know were to go thats why he stayed, he wasn't proud of what he did. I was furious that he denied having initiated affection. I told him he needed to leave then if he didnt want to be here. Before he left I asked him to give me his wedding ring, and that if he didn't want to be married he should just take it off.
So I kick him out, he had to go to work that day. I called in sick. I packed his clothes and put them in his truck at work. I have not talked to him since. His mother lives with us and she said he was shocked that I packed his clothes. I told her, he told me he was done and that was what he wanted. I did send him an email, letting him know he needs to seek help for his PA and that I would be praying for God to help him heal. I included several articles as well.
It was like a veil had been lifted, all his strange behavior and my paranoia made sense. He told me had the phone since May when we started counseling!! I was so hurt, all this time I thought he was trying and working to repair our marriage.
He replied today, aking to meet to talk and request that we do it with the counselor present. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just let him go? I am so scared that he will just move out and be miserable and just end our marriage because it is easy.
I am so sick with fear, depressed, sadness. I truly love him and don't want my marriage to end but I have read that Hs with PA have to hit bottum before they will seek help. I will take any advice or suggestions. I am truly lost!