Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 7:40:13 GMT -7
It's been 3 weeks since my husband and I had our most serious fight over his porn usage and I realized it's more serious than I thought. Since then he has installed Covenant Eyes on his computer with me as his accountability partner so I can view all of his searches and I'm alerted if he views any adult content. He downloaded a router based filter that blocks content viewed by any device that is connected to our router. We also go to bed at the same time and have started reading a marriage book together to improve communication and intimacy. We've had more open communication about his porn usage but I hate asking him all the time how he's doing, I don't want to feel like a parent. He later installed Covenant Eyes on his phone since that was a potential way to keep viewing porn and he said that was the final straw for him and it's nearly impossible now to look at anything. All of this has been great, and last night we were reading a chapter about physical intimacy and there were discussion questions that we were talking over and I asked him if he's really been porn free for three weeks. He said he's slipped up a couple times. I asked how much in the last three weeks vs what he used to look at it. He admitted it was sometimes 2 to 3 times a day!! My heart sank. I've been with him for 10 years and I had no idea how deep rooted this problem has been. My heart was angry but also broke for him. He was exposed to porn at 13 so it became an ingrained habit from a young age and it's obviously a big strong hold in his life. I give him credit for the progress he's making but I'm also angry that this has been hidden for so long and hidden so well. He has not found support groups or any outside help yet and I told him he needs to find something today while he's doing good and doesn't make excuses to fall back into old patterns. He doesn't know where to start and is dragging his feet. Affording counseling is out of the question right now, but he needs more help than just internet blockers. I'm trying to be grateful that he's sharing with me and not let my shock and anger distance me from him. Please pray that we will both keep making progress. Thanks for listening.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 14:20:42 GMT -7
I will pray for you both. I have been in your shoes many times and my H still struggles. Its gonna be a long road so hang in their ... Hugs..
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 8:27:07 GMT -7
Goodheart, do you live in the US? If so there are groups you and your hubby can join. SAA has several ways to join..in-person groups, phone groups etc. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian based group and has in-person groups across the US. I don't know your financial situation but there are counseling organizations that are income based...Lutheran Social Services and Catholic Charities are 2. Also, if you are a member of a local church, your pastor(s) may offer counseling. Another option is to look and see if you have an income based Mental Health service near you. They generally offer counseling as part of their practice.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 10:30:09 GMT -7
Thank you for all the ideas. I did look into SA and we have a group in town. He hasn't taken initative to find any outside help and I don't know how to keep encouraging him to get more help. He's very much an introvert and likes doing everything on his own but in this situation that's impossible. I know talking to others is hard and uncomfortable but I want him to keep.mocing forward. How can I help him?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 15:37:33 GMT -7
Make it a boundary and have a consequence if he doesn't do it. The consequence has to hurt but be something you can go through with. This article is by a Christian counselor. It focuses on the addictions of alcohol and drugs but hopefully you can get some ideas on how to set boundaries and find appropriate consequences that will work in your situation. www.leslievernick.com/boundaries-and-consequences/
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 22, 2018 7:15:18 GMT -7
My problem is: My husband went through the eight week course, has limted his computer usage, gotten pure flicks on the firestick, got rid of his cellphone, though he carries one and says he doesn't have wifi at work. I can take the cell down the street and still access the web. My problem is that his porn usage has messed with my mind and I do not want to show him my body. He is complaining about this and complaining that I don't want sex any more frequently than every five days to once a week. I am 61 and he is 63 and he can't do it more than that, but I believe he is making excuses so that he can rationalize porn. I am disgusted by his looking at l8 and over woman and don't want to be compared to them. I told him today that if he expects that, we can just divorce because he cannot accept me for what I am. He expects me to act like the girls in porn, initiating sex all the time. I can see his mind is still screwed up, that sex is about him and not love. Since his porn was revealed, I have been sick three times, recently with shingles, which the Lord healed. My immunity is down due to trauma. Shingles occurs because of great stress. Doctor is following up with checking my immunity. I was in grief and trauma and depression and still am not over it. I didn't do the women's group yet because I was afraid to go there, afraid of hearing how men were falling again. This would have triggered my anxiety worse and I was not ready for that. I am not sure our relationship will ever be the same. I wore a negligee for him and was so freaked out I literally couldn't take it. I am a good looking woman, trim and petite, but he did porn anyway. I have had a hard time eating since he has done this. I have tried to be kind and encouraging through his process, maybe I am hiding my feelings too much, they came out today. Apparently, he doesn't realize still the damage he has done.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 22, 2018 19:10:33 GMT -7
Hi mommy, hugs and prayers sweet lady.
You have your own healing journey to travel that is separate but parallel to your husband's journey to overcome porn. I highly recommend individual counseling for you. You also need to be kind and encouraging to yourself hon.
Your husband's thinking is still messed up. It takes a long time for a porn addict to rewire their brain. This addiction changes how you think and your personality. It's not just stopping the viewing but relearning how to think and act. That takes time...lots of time. And it can't be done without God being the center of the addict's life.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 24, 2018 15:43:50 GMT -7
Thanks Amymine, I am going to counseling. It has helped, but some days, it floods me like the day when I posted. My husband prayed that there would never be a divorce, I told him how these putdowns were affecting me. I know that what you say is true, I believe most of the time that he is doing all he can, but sometimes it is still a stronghold for me and him. I want these strongholds taken down by the power of the Lord, both in me and in my husband's life because I know the enemy is attacking both sides to seek to end this marriage. I think my husband understood me when I said he will have to accept me as I am for now. The Lord has been good to me through this all, kind and merciful. He didn't have to heal my shingles but He did. That would have been a painful and tormenting illness. Praise to His name. We are praying together. I know he still does not understand intimacy, but he is almost never harsh like he used to be. He talks freely about the Lord, and seems to be seeking Him. He tries to honor boundaries. He is talking about joining the year long accountability group too. I still have a hard time some days, but I think I am about ready to join the women's group.
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on May 24, 2018 19:34:20 GMT -7
Good job on going to counseling. The road to recovery will be long but worth it for both of you. My H was never an addict but he had enough of porn while growing up to fall into adultery later. On top of that, his parents were in an adulterous relationship before they married, so the generational sin was there. Plus my dad was a porn addict and I didn’t know it until I was 21 and found porn in our mailbox.
Anyway, I still struggle with mild depression and anxiety and it’s been about 18 months since d-day. Therapy with the right therapist has been very helpful. I still get attacked during PMS, where my mind wanders to the details of my H’s adultery. The enemy is clever in bringing up the truth of the past and prodding me with it often. I’ve gotten better at saying, “Yes X, Y and Z happened AND my H has repented, we are in a better place, and God is using us to bring healing to other couples.” I’m not out of the woods yet though. I still fight a lot within myself and I still feel pain. I don’t know when it will end but I do know that I’m healing. I’m taking this time of pain and using it to keep close to God. My therapist has said many times, if the frequency, intensity, and duration of my “tantrums” are decreasing, then I’m definitely healing. I’ve seen it decrease steadily over the 18 months that I’ve been healing and so has my H. I pray that you’d have a benchmark to look back on and remember how far you’ve come.
I pray that you would KNOW that you are loved by the Lord and that you are beautiful to Him above what anyone else thinks or feels about you. He is your Creator, your Rock and Redeemer. Jehovah-Rapha, your Healer. You are beautiful because He made you. Be the best you because you’re the only you out there.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2018 7:33:03 GMT -7
Mommy, it sounds like you and your husband are on the right track. It isn't an easy road and rarely have I seen where God just fixes things supernaturally. He uses these journeys to teach us things. Hang in there hon. And please feel free to post here when you just need to vent. We are always here to listen, pray and support you.
Hugs my sister in Christ.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2018 11:07:03 GMT -7
Thank you Ladystrong and Amymine. Blessings to both of you and the Lord continue to hold you near to Him. This is a journey, we are going to Hilton Head Island and this will probably be a trigger for me. I am trying to do various things to let the Lord heal me and be strong and courageous and not a wimp, that's one prayer I prayed to the Lord. I feel he has really helped me emotionally, I was in an awful place when this journey began.
|
|
|
Post by ladystrong on May 26, 2018 7:04:40 GMT -7
Sometimes we need to step out of our fears and confront them. Others times we are called to rest and heal. That’s what I have found with places that I have visited to “reclaim” ground that I felt was taken. If Hilton is a trigger for you, keep communicating that with your husband. He needs to know how you are feeling. It takes a lot of time to heal from trauma. You don’t have to put on a brave face and make like everything is ok when it’s not. One person in the Bible that I learned honesty from is David in his Psalms. There is so much honesty in the words he and others have written!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2018 7:58:46 GMT -7
Have you talked to your hubby about Hilton being a possible trigger? Maybe the 2 of you could find a different spot to go to this year. Make new memories. It would help you both heal and move forward.
Hugs and prayers hon.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2018 15:14:11 GMT -7
Most of the family are going down to Hilton Head. My mother and father, my sister and her family, my son and his children. My husband is extremely photosensitive and has had skin cancer and cannot be out in the sun. The family has a private pool at their house. I don't think based on these factors that it will be that bad, we will see. Will let you know. My husband listens to Christian sermons all the time. He is praying. There are good things growing. Trust though will take a long time. I know the bible says not to trust in man, but to trust in the Lord. I am trying to focus on HIM and His love.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2018 12:03:13 GMT -7
Thank you for all the ideas. I did look into SA and we have a group in town. He hasn't taken initative to find any outside help and I don't know how to keep encouraging him to get more help. He's very much an introvert and likes doing everything on his own but in this situation that's impossible. I know talking to others is hard and uncomfortable but I want him to keep.mocing forward. How can I help him? I know this post is old.. Mine just joined 2 weeks ago. God will meet him there. Mind was a first responder and recently reminded me that he wakes with images even to this day, 20 years later. Last night he met a member who hadn't been there in 2 weeks. He's not only an addict, but a COUNSELOR for trauma induced by images and scenes that EMTs and other emergency personnel suffer from!!!! My husband is so "apart from his voice" that in 15 years he has never even asked me to make him a sandwich. He would only make requests that were sexual or emergent in nature. And then they were meek. God is listening.
|
|