Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2017 7:12:30 GMT -7
Hi everyone.
I call my situation "the worst situation" but I am sure it is not. It is for me, but maybe we would all say that about our situations if we are newly in grief.
I have been married for nine years. I have two children, an eight year old girl and a four year old boy. I am also pregnant with my third child.
My husband always had a sex addiction, but it mainly manifested through porn and evolved into acting out.
I could go into all the nitty gritty, but I'll get to the point. He started going to AA/NA/AAA for a drug problem. He was working on his confessional, his fourth step. I knew where it was because he didn't hide it. I read it.
I found out he had been to at least 20 prostitutes over the course of our marriage, had an affair with a coworker and a lot of attempted-failed affairs with coworkers. He admitted to watching porn a minimum of 2 hours a day, compulsively masturbating 3-4 times a day.
This is just what I can remember. I am pregnant and I have two little kids. I kicked him out of the house. He's working the program and trying to atone to me. He wants to stay married and says I'm everything to him. Obviously, I wasn't. I always knew we had a disconnect with intimacy but I chalked it up to a normal stagnation of being a busy family with kids. Now it turns out my instincts were right, that he wasn't giving me the love and attention I wanted and needed because it was going elsewhere. The one woman he had an affair with whom he did not pay was much older, unattractive, heavy. He admitted he couldn't stop himself when she pursued him. He also told me they agreed they just wanted to be friends. He also admitted to me that if she had been attractive he most definitely would have had an ongoing affair with her and couldn't say whether he'd have left me or not over it. I think he would have. That's the only reason I mention the other woman's level of attractiveness -- because I think that was all that mattered in terms of why he didn't make her a girlfriend.
I am a housewife but I am educated. I do not make money. (Right now, I make and raise children, which is more fulfilling to me). I used to be a social worker. I liked identifying as a mom and a wife. I no longer identify as a wife.
I am not really legally separated or anything. I told my husband seeing him hurts me right now and that is why he is living at his brother's house. He was agreeable to anything that makes me comfortable. But he calls and texts often. I went to church with him yesterday because he asked us to come. I am not religious, I went to support him. He came to dinner with me and my parents and my sister at a diner afterwards. I cried when he left. He probably cried too.
Today he wants me to come to an Alanon meeting with him so I can meet others whose lives have been ripped apart by addiction. I said I would go.
But I hate him. My heart has no forgiveness right now. I hate him but I still love him. I don't want to divorce him because I am afraid of the process and emotionally and physically drained, and pregnant. And I rely on the financial support. I can't keep afloat financially alone. The kids are upset because he's gone. I'm upset. This isn't the life I wanted. I'm only 33 years old. I deserved better than I got. Anyone would. Since I can't go back in time and not marry him, I have to deal with the now. I'm too confused and upset to do much of anything in terms of planning right now. So I kind of sit stagnantly and wait, and wait, and wait, and hope that the answer becomes clear.
He's been through the steps before, BTW. Many, many times. This time, he swears, will be the time it sticks. But twenty prostitutes and I'm asking my mother for help with grocery money? No! How could there ever be trust and love in such a relationship again? Over time, sure I'd forgive him. Other past exes have hurt me and I hated them, and then when I moved on, hate either turned to indifference or even friendship if enough years had passed. I wouldn't hate him forever. But who could be in a relationship with someone like this? I am not old. I have a good fifty years left. Do I really want to spend fifty years not trusting him, worrying about whether he successfully fought the demons of not seeing a hooker that day? That's not the life for me. I want a good man who loves me and who I can trust.
I just don't know what to do or where to turn. The longer he stays gone, the more sure I am that I need a divorce. I just don't want one. But we don't always get what we want in life, I guess.
Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcome. I really need help.
I call my situation "the worst situation" but I am sure it is not. It is for me, but maybe we would all say that about our situations if we are newly in grief.
I have been married for nine years. I have two children, an eight year old girl and a four year old boy. I am also pregnant with my third child.
My husband always had a sex addiction, but it mainly manifested through porn and evolved into acting out.
I could go into all the nitty gritty, but I'll get to the point. He started going to AA/NA/AAA for a drug problem. He was working on his confessional, his fourth step. I knew where it was because he didn't hide it. I read it.
I found out he had been to at least 20 prostitutes over the course of our marriage, had an affair with a coworker and a lot of attempted-failed affairs with coworkers. He admitted to watching porn a minimum of 2 hours a day, compulsively masturbating 3-4 times a day.
This is just what I can remember. I am pregnant and I have two little kids. I kicked him out of the house. He's working the program and trying to atone to me. He wants to stay married and says I'm everything to him. Obviously, I wasn't. I always knew we had a disconnect with intimacy but I chalked it up to a normal stagnation of being a busy family with kids. Now it turns out my instincts were right, that he wasn't giving me the love and attention I wanted and needed because it was going elsewhere. The one woman he had an affair with whom he did not pay was much older, unattractive, heavy. He admitted he couldn't stop himself when she pursued him. He also told me they agreed they just wanted to be friends. He also admitted to me that if she had been attractive he most definitely would have had an ongoing affair with her and couldn't say whether he'd have left me or not over it. I think he would have. That's the only reason I mention the other woman's level of attractiveness -- because I think that was all that mattered in terms of why he didn't make her a girlfriend.
I am a housewife but I am educated. I do not make money. (Right now, I make and raise children, which is more fulfilling to me). I used to be a social worker. I liked identifying as a mom and a wife. I no longer identify as a wife.
I am not really legally separated or anything. I told my husband seeing him hurts me right now and that is why he is living at his brother's house. He was agreeable to anything that makes me comfortable. But he calls and texts often. I went to church with him yesterday because he asked us to come. I am not religious, I went to support him. He came to dinner with me and my parents and my sister at a diner afterwards. I cried when he left. He probably cried too.
Today he wants me to come to an Alanon meeting with him so I can meet others whose lives have been ripped apart by addiction. I said I would go.
But I hate him. My heart has no forgiveness right now. I hate him but I still love him. I don't want to divorce him because I am afraid of the process and emotionally and physically drained, and pregnant. And I rely on the financial support. I can't keep afloat financially alone. The kids are upset because he's gone. I'm upset. This isn't the life I wanted. I'm only 33 years old. I deserved better than I got. Anyone would. Since I can't go back in time and not marry him, I have to deal with the now. I'm too confused and upset to do much of anything in terms of planning right now. So I kind of sit stagnantly and wait, and wait, and wait, and hope that the answer becomes clear.
He's been through the steps before, BTW. Many, many times. This time, he swears, will be the time it sticks. But twenty prostitutes and I'm asking my mother for help with grocery money? No! How could there ever be trust and love in such a relationship again? Over time, sure I'd forgive him. Other past exes have hurt me and I hated them, and then when I moved on, hate either turned to indifference or even friendship if enough years had passed. I wouldn't hate him forever. But who could be in a relationship with someone like this? I am not old. I have a good fifty years left. Do I really want to spend fifty years not trusting him, worrying about whether he successfully fought the demons of not seeing a hooker that day? That's not the life for me. I want a good man who loves me and who I can trust.
I just don't know what to do or where to turn. The longer he stays gone, the more sure I am that I need a divorce. I just don't want one. But we don't always get what we want in life, I guess.
Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcome. I really need help.
