Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2017 14:57:02 GMT -7
For some reason my first post isn't showing up, so I'm going to try again.
I have been a slave to sexual sin for over 40 years. My first exposure to pornography was at the age of 5 or 6 years old, as best I can recall. I was fascinated from the beginning and have actively sought more across different forms of media throughout my life. My wife has been aware of my struggle with pornography for many years, but never knew just how deeply I was immersed in it. I would only admit what could not be denied outright, and was only able to resist temptation for a short time before returning to the "comfort " of my drug of choice. Recently, she asked me how my struggle with pornography was going and I did something I had never had the courage to do before - I told her everything.
Years ago, a co-worker told me that the secret to quitting smoking was that you needed to want to quit more than you wanted to smoke. I had never really wanted to quit pornography. I just wanted to quit getting caught. I became very good at hiding my behavior, and could lie as easily as breathing in order to do so. I was never interested in a support group or accountability partner. I wasn't interested in "recovery", and a partner and/or group would just add to the number of people I needed to lie to to keep my secrets. That attitude has changed. My desire to quit is now greater than my desire to continue. I fully expect to struggle and maybe even fall, although I am feeling hopeful that my bondage to pornography has truly been broken... failure does not need to be inevitable. I can now see the value in a forum like this, where I can share my struggle with other people who understand what it's like and also encourage others when they're feeling vulnerable. Most importantly, I am committed to being completely honest with my wife. She has been adamant that as damaging as my behavior has been, the lies and deception are far worse. If I should fall, she'll be the first to hear it.
I have been a slave to sexual sin for over 40 years. My first exposure to pornography was at the age of 5 or 6 years old, as best I can recall. I was fascinated from the beginning and have actively sought more across different forms of media throughout my life. My wife has been aware of my struggle with pornography for many years, but never knew just how deeply I was immersed in it. I would only admit what could not be denied outright, and was only able to resist temptation for a short time before returning to the "comfort " of my drug of choice. Recently, she asked me how my struggle with pornography was going and I did something I had never had the courage to do before - I told her everything.
Years ago, a co-worker told me that the secret to quitting smoking was that you needed to want to quit more than you wanted to smoke. I had never really wanted to quit pornography. I just wanted to quit getting caught. I became very good at hiding my behavior, and could lie as easily as breathing in order to do so. I was never interested in a support group or accountability partner. I wasn't interested in "recovery", and a partner and/or group would just add to the number of people I needed to lie to to keep my secrets. That attitude has changed. My desire to quit is now greater than my desire to continue. I fully expect to struggle and maybe even fall, although I am feeling hopeful that my bondage to pornography has truly been broken... failure does not need to be inevitable. I can now see the value in a forum like this, where I can share my struggle with other people who understand what it's like and also encourage others when they're feeling vulnerable. Most importantly, I am committed to being completely honest with my wife. She has been adamant that as damaging as my behavior has been, the lies and deception are far worse. If I should fall, she'll be the first to hear it.
