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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2017 0:53:56 GMT -7
hello all. It's been a while since I posted so a quick recap.
married nearly 10 years. Discovery in first year of marriage. Began 'recovery' 3 years into marriage, but for him it was a journey of increasing hypocrisy and deception, learning to be an expert gaslighter and manipulator of my reality. My mental and physical health deteriorated with each discovery, which also rocked my faith as there was spiritual abuse aswell.
tried to love him out of it, tried to give him 'safe space' to be vulnerable, tried helping him with books and finding counsellors, all of that. Did the promises to never leave him and work through this as long as he was honest. None of it worked. He played along beautifully.
Last discovery was 2 years ago, probably almost to the day. I dont recall much of that week as it nearly sent me over the edge. I had to ask him to leave. he was too dangerous to my wellbeing
I did reconcile. One of the conditions was that I would require a polygraph at some point in the future to verify his recovery.
He took the polygraph last month. Clean from porn. Clean from attempting to access porn. Sober. No slips, no skirting, nothing.
his advice? I should have kicked him out long before. He needed a dose of reality of what he stood to lose. HE needed to suffer for his choices. Seeing me suffering, made him feel wretched, but not enough to stop using porn. He had to go to his own hell and see where his choices were taking him. When he got there, nothing in porn could appeal to him anymore. He was finally convicted of his sin and it held no pleasure for him anymore.
Our son is now 9 months old. Our daughter is still struggling with some mental health issues (mainly anger and depersonalisation) but recovering. I am still struggling with 'reactive intimacy anorexia' i.e i have a million walls still built around my heart and body. But we keep on keeping on.
I hope all of you are well and keeping on keeping on
elle x
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Jul 26, 2017 10:35:22 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2017 10:35:22 GMT -7
Thank you for this encouragement. I am so happy things are going better for you. I will keep your family in my prayers.
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Jul 26, 2017 14:33:24 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2017 14:33:24 GMT -7
Elle! Hugs sweetie. So glad you posted! Praise God that your hubby went ahead with the polygraph. It's great news that he has been truthful.
I continue to pray for you and your family.
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Jul 26, 2017 15:33:22 GMT -7
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 26, 2017 15:33:22 GMT -7
Wow, what a journey. I'm glad things are better though a lot of trust has to built while your walls are being broken down. Same here. *HUGS*
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Jul 27, 2017 9:45:02 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2017 9:45:02 GMT -7
Gives me hope... Thank you so much for sharing an update... I'm so happy for you!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 7:58:37 GMT -7
Hello all. Another update. Well, soon after i posted this I found out I was pregnant again! Due in 5 weeks..... kind of crazy after so many years of infertility, he gets cleaqn and bam bam i get pregnant...twice..... this pregnancy has been much better than the last probably because my body is not in the same state of trauma it was in during the last pregnancy.
So...the last 9 months...my husbands ministry was going well. his recovery was (is) going well. But he felt that God was calling us back to our old home. He thought it would be best for our whole family. This was a 'new him'. he had wanted to leave the scene of the crime for a new start. His ministry was all going so well, he has loads of affirmation...yet he gave it all up for us,,,,our daughter...and because he felt like God was telling him to.
So we came back home! And he got really ill with ulcerative colitis, its like he became human since he stopped living in fantasy. His body couldnt cope without passing his stress and toxicity all onto me..... but things are looking up now with new treatment and finally after 6 months home he has started a new job in schools ministry. I am not living in a traumatised state anymore. He got given a laptop for his work and although it pushed so many of my safety boundaries it felt like i could finally trust him. There has been no signs of slipping or bad viewing choices or near misses since that separation in 2015. I still advocate leaving as the only chance of saving a marriage. They have to hit rock bottom, not be shown endless codependent support.
My daughter is also healing. She still is not quite the same girl she was but her relationship with her dad has improved a lot and having these new siblings has been a dream come true.
Love to all of you. Be strong enough to get out of a spiritually dangerous marriage. It might just save it.
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Mar 22, 2018 14:23:23 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 14:23:23 GMT -7
Elle! It's so good to hear from you hon! Congrats on your almost here little one.
What a joy to hear how your family is healing from the porn addiction. Is your daughter still in therapy?
You will have to update us once you give birth. I would love to hear about the little one. I will be praying for an easy birth and your health.
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Mar 23, 2018 1:28:20 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 1:28:20 GMT -7
No my daughter is not in therapy at present. She is just so happy to be back in our old home, and to get first a brother and now due a sister. Life has taken a positive turn for her. She even feels better about God (the whole separation and move gave her her own faith crisis of why God would know she would be so unhappy but let it happen). But she prayed so hard to come home and its like it was done just for her. She still has some anger issues but overall much better and her bedtime anxiety is pretty much gone now.
I still have my intimacy anorexia issues. I find it hard to say "I love you" and to be physically affectionate with either my husband or my daughter. Its like i am locked up for my protection. BUT, surely trust coming back has to happen first and that is happening. I still know i can get a polygraph in a couple of years or anytime to check i'm not being duped by false recovery but i dont have that unsettled feeling that I always did. I also think I 'let go' my husband a bit more these days....he might disagree but i think psychologically i'm not holding quite so tight like you do when you feel you are in that battle to try to reach your husband and grab him from all the stuff that is taking him from you. Oh i still nag him about him prioritizing the gym etc but i FEEL like i'm not constantly pulling at that tug of war for his attention and time. e.g I make plans to see a friend regardless of whether thats at the time he is home from work. I also trust him completely with the little one. It was a wondeful feeling to head out the other evening knowing that he could do bedtime and it didnt have to be me (even if i was only going to the hospital lol)
i do think about you guys especially you Amy which is why i came back to let you know how well we are all doing. I will certainly update you when the new little one comes.
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Mar 23, 2018 6:45:13 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 6:45:13 GMT -7
I am thankful that your daughter is doing so much better. Does she have productive ways to handle her anger and let it out?
You are right about there needing to be trust between you and your husband before you will feel comfortable showing affection with him. I am concerned that this is also translating to your daughter. Maybe you could start stepping out of your comfort zone with her. She would be much more safe in showing and giving affection. Children are much more giving and forgiving. I know it won't be easy but it will be worth the effort.
Hugs sweetheart.
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Mar 23, 2018 12:21:02 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 12:21:02 GMT -7
I know. i feel terrible when she wants hugs and i find it so hard to give them. I think because her pain and her anxiety issues just got so triggering for me, i even went into self protect from her in the end. Which is terrible, because my mum has similar issues with me. She has always ignored my pain because she couldnt face it and finds it triggers guilt in her, so she would tell me it doesnt exist and whatever i am going through is normal. While I dont ignore my daughter's pain, and do anything to try to fix it, unfortunately i have to really make an effort not to see my eldest child as the one linked with all the mess that was made,showing all the damage from it, while my little boy is just separate from it all and therefore unthreatening and not triggering.
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Mar 24, 2018 6:09:15 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2018 6:09:15 GMT -7
Thank you for sharing an update with us. Praise God for his recovery, yours family, the marriage and new baby! So much to be thankful for. This story and all those I read bring me strength and wisdom.
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Mar 24, 2018 11:57:28 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2018 11:57:28 GMT -7
I know. i feel terrible when she wants hugs and i find it so hard to give them. I think because her pain and her anxiety issues just got so triggering for me, i even went into self protect from her in the end. Which is terrible, because my mum has similar issues with me. She has always ignored my pain because she couldnt face it and finds it triggers guilt in her, so she would tell me it doesnt exist and whatever i am going through is normal. While I dont ignore my daughter's pain, and do anything to try to fix it, unfortunately i have to really make an effort not to see my eldest child as the one linked with all the mess that was made,showing all the damage from it, while my little boy is just separate from it all and therefore unthreatening and not triggering. You don't have trouble showing affection to your son? do you see where this could be a problem later on? If you are not able to show your daughter affection, you may want to get her back into therapy because she will eventually pick up on the fact that you freely show affection to your son but you don't with her. Her anger issues will take a turn for the worse. Hon I love you which is why I am being frank with you. If you don't deal with this now, you will be in a world of hurt when your daughter hits her teen years if not before.
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Mar 25, 2018 13:24:38 GMT -7
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 25, 2018 13:24:38 GMT -7
Some questions so I can understand a bit more about your daughter’s situation and your reactions to her wanting to bond with you: -What is the back story on your daughter? -How old is she? -What about her triggers you, like is there something she has done in the past to you? Questions about you: -Are you still in individual counseling? -How do you handle triggers? Just want to get a clearer pic. Thanks
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Mar 27, 2018 12:18:22 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2018 12:18:22 GMT -7
My daughter is 10. i discovered the porn first 10 weeks after she was born and it was like i had a baby and lost my husband as i wasnt in porn star mode as a new mum. i developed PND and didnt bond with my daughter for a long time. i always protected her though from my husbands insensitive parenting style and his abandonment of the family in pursuit of his own ambitions. he changed a lot, became christian, started recovery, things got much better all round. unfortunately it was fake recovery, he was different, he was not so neglectful, he became more of a family man, but the porn was driven deep. i made many discoveries , every 6 months or a year. My daughter witnessed a lot of sudden heightened chaos when everything had seemed ok again. I protected her relationship with her father so it looked like i was the angry sad one and he never did anything wrong. the separation, when it finally came, shattered her world. she developed symptoms similar to a child who witnessed domestic abuse according to the therapist. she developed anxiety ,sleeping problems, panic attacks, lost loads of weight, couldnt function at school,. i found her trauma even more unbearable than my own. my husband and i reconciled. But i had become totally averse to touch. in spite of that, i became pregnant. everything got much better we had a future to look forward to instead of back. my husbands recovery was real this time. but my daughters anxiety at bedtime, i just couldnt cope, couldnt deal with it, i just wanted it to stop because it sent me into a feeling of panic myself. Gradually as time passed and there was more peace in the house she recovered slowly. but i remained touch averse. during the pregnancy there was a lot of concern from the mental health professionals over whether i would be able to bond with the baby due to my PTSD symptoms. But it was like he is totally separate to it all and i bonded with him instantly. i cant really explain why my daughters physical touch needs feel so difficult for me.
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Mar 28, 2018 13:03:02 GMT -7
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 28, 2018 13:03:02 GMT -7
I see... so it sounds like your daughter is the trigger because of the trauma during the early weeks after her birth. I have triggers, too, even good things have triggered me. It’s harder for me to fight when I’m PMSING.
Anyway, are you still seeing a therapist about it? My therapist advised that when a thought or trigger comes to mind, instead of going down the rabbit hole, to first acknowledge that the past happened and then add something positive about the present. Like, “That moment reminds me of this traumatic time when he was lying to me and now we are doing much better at being honest with each other.” That wasn’t a great example, but I hope you get the just of it. Maybe for your daughter you can say something similar like, “Yes, my daughter was affected by the lies of my husband and now she is doing much better.” It’s the thoughts that guide the actions so you’ll have to get to the root of your aversion issues. You might see her and just think “pain” because of that painful time. But, she is not the CAUSE of your pain. Her issues are a RESULT of that painful and chaotic time. There needs to be a clear distinction about where she is rightfully placed in this situation. It sounds like she is doing a lot better. So instead of seeing her as a trigger, maybe you can see her as a benchmark of all the good that has come from all the work you have both put into rebuilding your relationship.
As for FOO issues, that’s a good thing to explore as well. We don’t want to repeat the mistakes of our family, we want to break the cycle. Break the cycle of lying, resentment, lustful thoughts etc. and move it toward living for God. I know God wants to make things better and bring His glory thru all this mess. Praying for you!
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