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Post by ladystrong on Dec 16, 2017 22:47:02 GMT -7
I agree with Amy: work on you. You’re worth it!
I used to feel the same way when I was in the thick of caring for my three kids who were at home with me all day in diapers or potty training. I didn’t take very good care of myself because I thought I had to only be Mom and sacrifice my needs for the needs of everyone else. I felt bad about buying new clothes or getting a haircut. I felt like I had to give up the things that might make me happy so that everyone else could be happy.
That’s a lie.
Unfortunately, that’s what I saw my mom do and so I thought it was what I needed to do as well. I’m glad I broke free from that mentality because my mom was not healthy. She gave so much for us at the detriment of her health. She was overweight and overwhelmed, always late, always tired, never wore dresses or did her makeup. I’m pretty sure she didn’t think she was worth the time or the effort. Yes, we gained much talent and were given many opportunities as her children. But it took a heavy toll on her emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Her discernment was off and her relationship with my dad was not God glorifying.
With 6 kids you need a break. Are you getting breaks from the kids and from home life? Are you able to go out with some friends or even run errands by yourself?
I would definitely go and see a doc for help, or even just schedule a once a week counseling session. I know the longing that you have to have a whole marriage but at this time you can’t depend on your husband to give you that. He’s not in a healthy place and he needs major help, too. The only place you’re going to find wholeness is in the Father. He loves you and He says you’re worth it. Rest in that. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Believe in that and trust in Him alone.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2017 9:54:14 GMT -7
I agree with Amy: work on you. You’re worth it! I used to feel the same way when I was in the thick of caring for my three kids who were at home with me all day in diapers or potty training. I didn’t take very good care of myself because I thought I had to only be Mom and sacrifice my needs for the needs of everyone else. I felt bad about buying new clothes or getting a haircut. I felt like I had to give up the things that might make me happy so that everyone else could be happy. That’s a lie. Unfortunately, that’s what I saw my mom do and so I thought it was what I needed to do as well. I’m glad I broke free from that mentality because my mom was not healthy. She gave so much for us at the detriment of her health. She was overweight and overwhelmed, always late, always tired, never wore dresses or did her makeup. I’m pretty sure she didn’t think she was worth the time or the effort. Yes, we gained much talent and were given many opportunities as her children. But it took a heavy toll on her emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Her discernment was off and her relationship with my dad was not God glorifying. With 6 kids you need a break. Are you getting breaks from the kids and from home life? Are you able to go out with some friends or even run errands by yourself? I would definitely go and see a doc for help, or even just schedule a once a week counseling session. I know the longing that you have to have a whole marriage but at this time you can’t depend on your husband to give you that. He’s not in a healthy place and he needs major help, too. The only place you’re going to find wholeness is in the Father. He loves you and He says you’re worth it. Rest in that. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Believe in that and trust in Him alone. This sounds as if you have been living in my house. I do feel bad doing anything for myself. My husband and children always have more than enough, I make sure that they do. While I wear the same clothes everyday because I don't really have any. I will buy things for the house but not for myself. My children are taking private piano lessons and I run them around from activity to activity. I'm doing all that I can to help them have a good future. I take all six of them with me when I go on errands. I can't get 5 minutes to myself. As I type this the older one keep coming in here trying to see what I'm doing on my phone. I always felt that wanting time to myself mad me a bad mother. I have told myself that they are my life now and priority. I am burnt out and tired and feeling guilty for being burned out and tired. I can relate to your mom. I am overwhelmed, overweight and frustrated. I'm losing my hair at 34 and tired all of the time living on coffee. I don't have any real life friends. I'm an introvert. I use to go out with my sister but I cut that off years ago because she is manipulative and starts a lot of drama. I had one friend that lived out of state but we would talk on the phone and email. My husband decided she was a mess. I allowed him to talk me into ending that friendship. So it's just the kids and I.
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Post by ladystrong on Dec 30, 2017 3:28:38 GMT -7
I know how it is with homeschooling. I have two I’m homeschooling right now but we are thinking of putting them in public school next year to give me a break.
Being an introvert is totally normal. I’m more of an introvert as well and sometimes it takes me awhile to warm up and feel comfortable enough to talk when I’m in uncomfortable environments. But, that doesn’t mean that I isolate myself from fellowship. I would lose it if I weren’t meeting with other people without my kids at least once a week! Is your husband able to give you time off from the kids at least once a week? You need it!
If I were near you I’d go out shopping with you to get new clothes! Within the last three years I slowly started collecting styling ideas from Pinterest or other bloggers who were about my height and weight. It took me awhile to find my personal style, I’m sure I had many fashion faux pas with leggings and sweaters for a couple of years 😂. My hair was almost always pulled back because I had no idea how to style it. Slowly, and with practice, I’ve been able to straighten it with the blow dryer. I guess my point is, try something new and maybe something a little bit wild. It won’t fix all of your problems but it will help you to nurture yourself so that you can be a healthier wife and mom. You’re worth it!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 7:15:41 GMT -7
It's been about 1 year since I last caught my husband. That does. It mean he isn't doing it, I just have not caught it. He does not have a smart phone or internet access in our home. So if he is doing looking at porn it is outside of our home. We have 6 children and at least for now I'm not leaving. I decided that I am tired of being bound by the pain and hurt of his actions. I have chosen to just give it to God and trust Him to deal with my husband. If I find it again I will leave this time. For now, I'm just letting it go. I want my joy and life back. Laying this down is one of the most difficult things I've had to do. It is so easy to keep picking it back up. I trust that God has my back and if he is doing it again God will expose Him in time, He always does. I'm done with pain, I'm done with unforgiving and I am just letting it go. We live in a sin cursed world and people will fail us. Additionally, there is so much in myself that I need to work on. I will continue to pray for him but I will no longer stress over his issues. He has to face God for himself. My husband has to decide what his journey will look like. As for me I am going to on the fruit of the Spirit because my aim is to please God in all that I do. At this point it's not even about my husband anymore. It is about my walk with God. I had to ask myself do I really trust God the way I claim. If so, I should not be worrying because that is the opposite of trusting.
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 20, 2018 21:09:15 GMT -7
Letting is one of the hardest things to do yet the most freeing. I’m still working on that myself . Letting go of the past, letting go of my H’s sin, letting go of OW’s deceit/weirdness, etc. Every month I’ve been getting better at letting go and believing that God can do great things through the crappiest circumstances. He’s good at that. I hope you are finding freedom little by little and that you resting in His arms daily. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2018 18:36:21 GMT -7
Letting is one of the hardest things to do yet the most freeing. I’m still working on that myself . Letting go of the past, letting go of my H’s sin, letting go of OW’s deceit/weirdness, etc. Every month I’ve been getting better at letting go and believing that God can do great things through the crappiest circumstances. He’s good at that. I hope you are finding freedom little by little and that you resting in His arms daily. *HUGS* How do you just not hate your spouse? After so many times of going through this I feel he should know better. Why continue to do something that you know will break my heart but say you love me. Even if it is an addiction he had a choice and each time he did not choose me and our children. I'm supposed to just forgive him for the 100th time and try again? I'm so angry. I still feel that I should have never married him. My dream of a happy marriage is go. It was all a lie, I thought he would be different but he's not. I thought he loved me enough to protect my heart. I have no respect for him.
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 25, 2018 22:10:02 GMT -7
A few thoughts:
-You sense that something is still off and you’re probably right. You’ll have to spend a lot of time in prayer to hear what God wants you to do about it. He will move you to take action at the right time.
- You are probably deep in bitterness and resentment at this time based on what you have posted about how you feel. God wants to free you from that bondage and the only way to do that is to ask Him to help you forgive your husband. Jesus calls us to forgive over and over again (Matthew 18:21-22). This is not to be confused with trust.
- After the many years of emotional abuse you have experienced without much action to resolve or repent on your husband’s side, your trust bank is definitely in the negative. Jesus called us to forgive but He did not say that we need to immediately trust the people who have hurt us deeply. It takes time to rebuild the trust that has been broken multiple times in your marriage.
- You must give up your “dream marriage” to the Lord. Whatever that ideal is, it’s not helping you to work through the issues you currently have in your marriage. It takes work to build a strong marriage but the Lord has to be in it. Psalm 127:1-2 speaks of this. Problem is that you both need major help and it sounds like you’ve both given up the search for appropriate help. It’s likely that you’re both exhausted over taking care of the basic things in life with 6 kids. You both need to get help and get reconnected with each other if you want this marriage to be healthy. You’ll have to make a commitment to carve out time for each other and be without the kids.
I don’t have all the answers. But i do know that God wants to free you both from the bondage that has kept you from living a life of despair, depression, and anxiety. He wants to bless you and your marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2018 6:13:00 GMT -7
Jaynar I am not sure why you deleted your account but know that you are always welcome here. We care for you and I will continue to pray for you and your family. Hugs sweetie.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2018 6:03:15 GMT -7
Good Morning, Jay,
I see so much of myself in your posts. I first found out about the P issue 5 years ago. He go help and was free for about 2 years. Then started a gain and hid it very, very well. I gained a lot of weight, developed health issues and really lost my zeal for life. Then he began to travel a lot. That is when I started to realize something we very wrong. When he was gone I started to feel like the girl I had lost. When he returned, she would disappear. During his travel time I dedicated myself to losing weight and becoming healthy again. I also figured out he went back to P. This time, I flat out told him I was going to focus on me. He was his problem. As I focus on myself, I figured out that I am a people pleaser. I worry about what others think of me, that I am was too heavy, unattractive, unacceptable to anyone. Just not good enough the way I am. I put these thoughts in others head. Truth be told, I have no idea what others think and it really doesn't matter what they think about me. God loves me just the way I am. I am His design and His creation. I don't need to please anyone but Him. I tell myself this everyday. I am in a much better place now. I realize I am good enough and don't need to please anyone but Him.
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