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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2017 10:56:12 GMT -7
Jay, your hubby is displaying classic addict traits. Denial, manipulation, lying. All those go hand in hand with addiction. It almost seems like these traits are ingrained in him though. What was his childhood Like? Do his parents have a history with addictions? I can't tell you how to proceed. I can only tell you to be absolutely sure of any decisions you make. Pray and pray and pray some more. I will be praying for you also. From what his mother has told me his father was on drugs for some time. His mother was also addicted to smoking for years. His parents divorced when he was pretty young. I know that he has a lot of anger and issues from his childhood. He often talks about how his mother was never home and always working on hanging out with her friends. He has told me about being bullied, and several other childhood hardships. It is so stressful. the lying, manipulation and denial is so ingrained into him that it is non stop. He does it about every little thing. We just moved and I have been so distracted. The home needs a lot of work so I have been focused on projects everyday. I really do need to get back to my prayer journal and time with the Lord. I need to increase my faith and seek God. I know that I have not been praying like I should. For the last few weeks I have not been praying much at all. My marriage seems to be getting worse by the day. Thank you for listening. It really does help.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2017 14:57:48 GMT -7
His childhood explains a lot but it doesn't excuse his behavior. It just means he has more to overcome in certain areas. He has grown up with addictive behaviors from his parents. I am betting that his parents grew up the same way. Addictions can be a generational thing. Children learn it from the adults in their lives. My family is a prime example of this. My grandparents on both sides, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, myself, bro and sisters.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2017 7:25:21 GMT -7
I want an in home separation in spite of his mother being here. She does not have to know why one of us is sleeping in another area of the house. I think it is time for some tough love. He needs to see what his actions are doing and start facing some real consequences. I'm just not sure what that should look like. If he approaches me for a hug for example, do I allow that? Or should there me no contact at all?
I asked him yesterday how he was doing with his lust issue and addiction. As always he responded I'm good. I knew this was not the truth I could feel it. Later we were out shopping and he claimed he lies to me to protect me from hurting more that I already am. Then he said that he has been getting beat up by the enemy with random images and thoughts. I asked him how does he handle this. He stated that he tries to take the image from another woman and replace it with another lustful image but with me. I told him I don't think that is a good idea. I think it is playing with lust. Yes, I'm your wife but you should not use me to replace the sinful images in your mind. I think he should just pray and seek God. Turning his focus to scripture would be better. He also stated that he feels it is because I won't be intimate with him it is making things more difficult. I don't think he is telling me everything. I'm sure it does not end with these thoughts.
I don't want to have any part of him and his sexual issues. I feel that coming together would just be to participate in the problem. I know the Bible says you should expect for times of fasting. I am so angry I just can't imagine it. Am I disobeying God? If a wife does not want to be touched by her addict husband do we still have to live by the rule that our bodies do not belong to us?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2017 9:56:10 GMT -7
If you do separate, it needs to be for an agreed upon time frame. Then you should come back together and revisit the situation as a couple and decide to either maintain the separation or not. In your case you could tell him you need a separation for "insert time frame here" because you need time to heal. Or you could make it a consequence for a boundary you put in place and then when he breaks that boundary, you inact the consequence.
What you and your husband need are boundaries. You need to feel safe so you can heal and he needs to know what is expected of him and how to work toward gaining back your trust and respect. Your boundaries will change as you both grow and learn. Right now think of what you need to feel safe in your relationship and make those part of your boundaries. I can tell from your posts that communication about his addiction is important to you. So start there.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 10:44:34 GMT -7
If you do separate, it needs to be for an agreed upon time frame. Then you should come back together and revisit the situation as a couple and decide to either maintain the separation or not. In your case you could tell him you need a separation for "insert time frame here" because you need time to heal. Or you could make it a consequence for a boundary you put in place and then when he breaks that boundary, you inact the consequence. What you and your husband need are boundaries. You need to feel safe so you can heal and he needs to know what is expected of him and how to work toward gaining back your trust and respect. Your boundaries will change as you both grow and learn. Right now think of what you need to feel safe in your relationship and make those part of your boundaries. I can tell from your posts that communication about his addiction is important to you. So start there. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much. I often find it difficult to express or see what it is I need. Communication is very important to me. Though I feel that, I have not been able to articulate it. Thank you for pointing this out and giving me a place to start.
God bless you on your journey!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 6:15:01 GMT -7
It seems like I'm always starting over. I finally took the time to write in my prayer journal after 4 weeks. I feel better today and I can only say it must have been my time in the Word and prayer. I also tried not to focus on his issue as much as possible. I spent some time with the kids and was able to get some cleaning done. I really want to defeat depression once and for all.
I started using an oil diffuser with some essential oils. I am loving Lemon.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2017 9:50:16 GMT -7
How do you know when this is really all behind him? We don't have internet and my husband does not have a smart phone. If he is using p it is outside of the home and I would have no way of knowing. This week I asked him to do a few things to help me to feel safe. 1. Daily time in the Word 2. Read a marriage prayer book that I purchased. He has missed a day here and there but for the most part he is doing it. He says that he is done with p and it is behind him. I still find that he lies about little things. When I address it he will say "I'm trying to change, and I don't like the person I have become". He said "I still tell small lies here and there but the p is out of my life." I'm just not sure if I can trust him. I want to move on and allow our marriage to begin healing. I just don't know if he is genuine or playing a game. Because of my pain and fear it is hard for me to see clearly. I could just be paranoid out if fear.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2017 14:31:12 GMT -7
You can tell it in his actions and behavior. He needs to be proactive in changing himself and not just reactive to want you ask him to do. What has he been doing to change on his own? How has his behavior changed? Trust your gut.
One thing I have learned being an overcome for 9 years...You are never done with porn. The temptations hit when you least expect it. He will always need to be vigilant and on guard. So his sweeping statement about being done with it may be well intentioned but shows he is still early in his journey and may be headed for a fall because it smacks of overconfidence.
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Post by ladystrong on Nov 30, 2017 0:24:33 GMT -7
I think you can only trust him on a very basic level. He’s got a lot that he still has to prove before that will be fully rebuilt. Just like Amy asked, is he doing anything more on his own to improve himself? Does he have another man to keep him accountable to his actions? If not, I’d keep the trust level low on a scale of 0-10. It’s far better to take your time in rebuilding trust rather than blindly believing everything he says.
Lying is a huge part of any person’s problem with porn. It’s something your husband has done for so long it’s just like second nature for him so he’s going to have to really put in a lot of effort to change that part of his life and ask other men to help him. In my opinion, what he’s saying may sound good, but it doesn’t mean much if all he’s done is checked off the “no porn today” box. Old habits die hard. Porn may be out of his life for a time but what about lust? Is he truly able to keep his thoughts pure?
One of the reasons I’m steadily able to regain trust in my husband is because he has done what I’ve asked of him and so much more. He’s not perfect and we’ve had some bumps in the road but I can rest more in knowing that he’s meeting other men on a regular basis for bible study and he’s being kept accountable to his actions by our pastor and another friend. All these things are coming from his repentant heart and his desire to win me back. It’s not a halfway thing for him, he’s all in.
It sounds like you’re not fully convinced that he’s changing but you are hoping that he has. His consistent actions over a long period of time will tell you if he is trustworthy. He will also be patient with you as you heal, which may very well take years.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2017 17:35:31 GMT -7
Today I blew up. I told him that I don't like being married to him and I don't want to be in a relationship with a lustful lier. I just can't seem to forgive or move forward. I'm stuck. I'm praying, reading and do all I know to do. I'm so up and down. I'm trying to hold on to hope for my marriage but honestly, I don't like my husband. I don't like the person he is. I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him. 13 years and 6 children later and I discover this now. I don't even want to be in the same room with him. Everything he does makes me mad. Just looking at him make me mad.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2017 20:15:17 GMT -7
You have a right to your anger. What worries me is that you say you are stuck and yet what you have said of your husband shows he is either in the very beginning stages of changing or still in denial and manipulating. You need to give yourself a break hon. Just like it's going to take time for your husband to change, it's going to take time for you to heal. You have to lean into your hurt, pain, grief, anger in order to work through them. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are going to be all over the place. There is no set time frame for healing we are all individuals.
Hugs and prayers heading your way.
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Post by ladystrong on Dec 10, 2017 22:44:30 GMT -7
I’ve been there. It’s truly a roller coaster ride. All that rage is totally normal. Anger can be a good thing if you direct it in the right way, like exercise. It can also be your motivator for change in yourself and can give you the clarity you need to speak up and move forward in your life. My anger bumped me out of the continuous cycle of depression. It moved me forward to change and brought me closer to seeking His face.
It’s definitely hard to see the offender face to face in the beginning stages of healing. Harder still when you’re not sure if he’s dedicated to change. I pray that you would be released from the anger and resentment you feel towards your husband and that you’d receive more of God’s love to give you comfort and healing now and always.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2017 10:20:18 GMT -7
I've been reading a bunch of stuff online about not nagging your spouse and allowing him to find God on his own. It was basically saying wives should step back and give him space to be who he is. I have tried this approach and my husband takes it as his chance to do nothing.
Lately he is more tired that usual. After work he just wants to eat and sleep. Sometimes falling asleep eating. He has not been helping around the house and has not spent any time with the children or myself.
The other day he said I make him feel like crap when I say things. Then he said when he comes home I have an attitude and fuss at him so he just stays away from me. There is always another excuse with him then I asked him how isbhe doing with lust and sin. His only response was that it's weeding itself out and he's trying.
My heart is so broken. I long to have a spouse who will love me, appreciate and cherish me. For almost 13 years I have been lonely and dying inside. I just don't have a clue what to do. He is only interested in me once every few weeks when he wants me to lay down. I'm not a cheap hooker, I'm his wife. I feel like I'm in a twilight zone with him. He frustrates and confuses me. I feel overwhelmed dealing with him. If I did not have 6 kids I would leave. My kids would be devastated if our life changed and I had to go to work. I can't do that to them. I also can't see myself staying in this emotionally abusive relationship with my husband.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2017 10:33:56 GMT -7
Some times I wonder if part of this mess is my fault. I have become so depressed over the years. I don't fix up anymore and I have put on an unhealthy amout of weight. That could be a huge turn off. I assume with my nagging I make for a pretty horrible wife. Am I supposed to try and apease him. Do I bust my butt to loose the weight and fix up before he comes home from work and give him the satisfaction? I don't want to give in to his carnal lust driving mind. Then it won't be because he loves me it will be because he thinks I look good or I'm giving him what he wants. Most days I don't even brush or comb my hair anymore. I stay in my PJs all day and do what I can to care for the children. It's pretty bad. Any advice would be helpful at this point.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2017 18:32:12 GMT -7
My advice in a nutshell...work on your depression hon. The root cause of your depression has invaded the rest of your life. Being a sufferer of depression, I can see it in your posts. I do not know if there is a gentic component to yours or if it is caused wholly by your circumstances. Only a doctor can help you determine that. Either way you can get a handle on it...Therapy is a huge help and there are drugs available if you and your doctor decide on that as part of a treatment plan. I will tell you this from my own experiences...Therapy has the best lasting impact.
It also sounds like your hubby is in a deep depression. He needs to see a doctor and start working a treatment plan which should include therapy.
Hugs hon. I am praying for you both.
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