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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 20:19:02 GMT -7
Hey..jay... Gosh.. i understand your pain... Ok... i am sn advocate for marriage. However..i do understand being so bogged down in pain and mess that you cant even function or think straight... you might want to think of a way to separate from him... it not only affecting you but now your daughter... this could shape her view of men forever... If your husband wont go to couples counseling.. then you and your daughter might should get some counseling.. I understand feeling trapped and just not sure what step is next. Try and just start thinking of whats best for you and your kids. Let him do whatever he is going to do. Once you do that he might start to notice a change in you and he might realize he has messed up... i did rhat and my husband noticed and started making changes. But were far from being were we need to be.
The added pressure of his sick mom.. is another issue that i think is just to much right now... you are an angel for trying to care for her..
The extra weight.. i suggest you battle slowly and one pound at a time.. loving myself was hard for me at first... but slowly .. i started to realize i worth so much more than letting myself be destroyed. I had to take back the power from my husband. Now he sees a stronger me and he backs down.
You can do this jay... it just takes tiny steps.. i was the lowest i had ever been .. sometimes i didnt even want to live... but slowly i remembered that this life can be better than this. Abd it starts with me...
Im praying for you my friend... Hugs..
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2017 6:29:19 GMT -7
Hey..jay... Gosh.. i understand your pain... Ok... i am sn advocate for marriage. However..i do understand being so bogged down in pain and mess that you cant even function or think straight... you might want to think of a way to separate from him... it not only affecting you but now your daughter... this could shape her view of men forever... If your husband wont go to couples counseling.. then you and your daughter might should get some counseling.. I understand feeling trapped and just not sure what step is next. Try and just start thinking of whats best for you and your kids. Let him do whatever he is going to do. Once you do that he might start to notice a change in you and he might realize he has messed up... i did rhat and my husband noticed and started making changes. But were far from being were we need to be. The added pressure of his sick mom.. is another issue that i think is just to much right now... you are an angel for trying to care for her.. The extra weight.. i suggest you battle slowly and one pound at a time.. loving myself was hard for me at first... but slowly .. i started to realize i worth so much more than letting myself be destroyed. I had to take back the power from my husband. Now he sees a stronger me and he backs down. You can do this jay... it just takes tiny steps.. i was the lowest i had ever been .. sometimes i didnt even want to live... but slowly i remembered that this life can be better than this. Abd it starts with me... Im praying for you my friend... Hugs.. I was reading an article about turning your husband into an idol. I'm wondering if I am guilty of this and that is why his actions hurt so much. I do want to find counseling for my oldest daughter and I. I need to learn how to find my deepest needs in God. I'm just not sure how that looks. You are exactly right. I need to also down and take this one step at a time. Thank for your advice.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2017 11:17:10 GMT -7
I definitely think i was making my husband my everything... idol.. in a sense i guess... I asked his opinion on EVERYRHING! my hair ,clothes, nail color.. hair color .. hair length ... if he wasent in a happy mood it affected me.. if he was mad it affected me... just everything... My self worth .. self esteem .. my likes and dislikes... was all wrapped up in him... Hiw in the world did i let it get that way... i lost my voice .. my identity... I LOST ME! I gave him to much power over my life. Its madness... were did i go... i mean i know we get caught up being a wife and mother and thats were we find happiness but it cant consume us to the point were an empty shell of our former selves...
Sooooo... step one! My hair! He prefers it long... I DON'T! i like it short edgy funky sassy... that me... i feel at my best when my hair reflects my personality.. so I CHOPPED IT OFF! yep... i sure did.. then i died it like a egg plant burgundy color... I instantly felt more like myself... Funny think is.. he noticed it to.. and hasent stopped complementing me...
My point is .. yes jay.. we probably have given our husbands way to much control over our lives.. thoughts ... emotions! Were are still individuals ... yes we are united as one but we still have our own minds.. wants .. needs...
Talk to God about it... he will help you make tiny steps toward remembering who you are... not who you were!
Hugs... Prayers... my friend!
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Post by ladystrong on Aug 22, 2017 21:53:10 GMT -7
[/quote]
I was reading an article about turning your husband into an idol. I'm wondering if I am guilty of this and that is why his actions hurt so much. I do want to find counseling for my oldest daughter and I. I need to learn how to find my deepest needs in God. I'm just not sure how that looks. You are exactly right. I need to also down and take this one step at a time. Thank for your advice. [/quote][
I would definitely explore those thoughts about why his actions hurt so much and possibly making him an idol in your life. Although it's hard, at some point it would be good to ask God to reveal to you where you were at fault and what you need to change. It's true that your husband also has to change, problem is, you can't make him. You can only change you. Sometimes though, when we change, others want change as well because they see something in us that they want but don't have. Yes, please book an appointment with a therapist. I pray that you find the right one who fits!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 5:47:28 GMT -7
Well, things have been so busy for us. We homeschool so I have been getting ready for a new school year as much as I can. Most of our things are in boxes because we will be moving soon. My husband's mother needs surgery very soon. It's just crazy.
On the marriage front things have been up and down. My husband stated that he would like for me to be up with him in the mornings. I have always been a night owl and not even close to a morning person. It's odd because this is usually one of his alone times when everyone is sleep and he can watch p. For some reason his request made me very angry. I'm not sure why it makes me so mad. He has made the comment a few times that he would like for me to be up in the mornings. I guess because I wish he were more like me maybe? I don't know but I was streamed. It triggered something in me.
I'm having such a hard time laying down my life and opening my heart again. I know that I must die daily. I'm tried to remind myself that I must do all things as unto the Lord. It's been such a up and down battle.
On a good note my kids are going to a co-op this year and I will be working in the preschool class. It will be nice to get out and be with other moms a few times each month. I have been sticking to my vegetarian diet and dropped 10 pounds in the last month. I wanted to be a little more, but I will take it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2017 15:43:48 GMT -7
Try looking at your husband's request as a step in the right direction. He is realizing that he needs company in the morning to keep him from looking at porn. He is admitting to you that he struggles during this time and needs help. So grab yourself some coffee and spend a little one on one time with your Hubby. With all your kiddos I bet that is a rarity.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2017 7:05:32 GMT -7
How have your children responded to their father's p use? Yesterday my 9 year old daughter told me she does not believe the Bible or that Jesus is real. I calmly asked why. She stated that if He were real Je would not have allowed this stuff to happen in our family. I tried to explain it to her the best way I knew how. My heart is so broken for her. I could not believe what I was hearing.
My 11 year old wants to write a book for other kids who has a parent addicted to something. She said maybe she can help other kids.
I have been pushing my husband away afriad of being hurt again. The truth is that it hurts anyway. I feel like I need to start letting him in for my children. I don't want my family to hurt because I'm not walking in healing. Not letting him in does not make it hurt any less. I'm just walking around bound, angry and bitter. I think it is starting to take a toll on my children. I have been trying this my way afraid to try what I believe is God's way. I'm afraid but I need to step out on faith. God has not given us the spirit of fear. I think if I'm making my choices based on fear and not because it's the right thing I am not submitted to God. I think of God wanted me to leave I would have a peace about it. I'm only pushing him away because of fear. I think I am allwing the enemy to keep me bound.
My husband has no smart phone and there is no internet in our home. He still struggles with lust but probably not actively looking at p right now. I'm trying to deal with the fact of my husband finding other women attractive and beautiful. This upsets me so much. I am not sure how to be in relationship with him knowing even if the porn stops he won't only have eyes for me. I guess I have to learn to accept reality.
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Post by ladystrong on Sept 14, 2017 0:18:05 GMT -7
Are you in individual counseling yet? I'll respond more to your thread later, but just wanted to let you know that I've read what you've written. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2017 8:54:58 GMT -7
Are you in individual counseling yet? I'll respond more to your thread later, but just wanted to let you know that I've read what you've written. *HUGS* I have tired a few counseling offices. One suggested that p use is more of a compulsion than an addiction. He said that I need to try and see other things about my husband. He stated that this p problem is only one part of him. He also suggested that I find more time for myself and just focus on the positive and everything else will fall into place.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2017 8:58:01 GMT -7
Oh my Goodness! Find a counselor that specializes in addictions and doesn't poo poo porn addiction. Compulsion my foot. By that counselor's definition, all addiction is a compulsion.
Keep looking for a decent counselor. One that knows what they are talking about.
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Post by ladystrong on Sept 15, 2017 18:47:33 GMT -7
When I read your counselor's advice I had the same reaction as Amymine. You might want to find a different one because it sounds like this guy doesn't know what he's talking about.
Is your H in therapy as well? I would require that if him. Does he know to what extent this is affecting the children? And have you guys found a church to be in fellowship with?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2017 16:23:35 GMT -7
He is not in therapy. I try to tell him what this is doing to the children. He just says he knows and that he is trying to change. We were invited to a church the other day. I plan to go visit the next Sunday he has off from work. We only have 1 car so I can only attend when he is off. He won't seek help for himself and he is still in the denial, I didn't do it stage. This is in every area of his life, not just with p. He won't admit anything. He even lies about falling asleep or being tired. He is very prideful and argues about any and everything. Today I told him that I don't want to give up but I don't know how much more of this I can take. The way he is makes me feel like I'm crazy or losing it. I can't even have a normal conversation with him. It's difficult to explain other than to say I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of twilight zone. For example: On the way home he was tired and falling asleep while driving. I insisted he pull over and allow me to drive. He stated he was not tired and not falling asleep. He let me drive and said he just had an eyelash in his eye. 5 seconds later he was sleep on the passenger side. When he woke up I made the comment, " I thought you were not sleepy". He said "I'm not. People don't always have to be tired to go to sleep, some people sleep when they are bored. Haven't you seen people who go out on their decks, out their feet up and just go to sleep. It was obvious that he was exhausted and the conversation just went on and on like this. I point out the facts and truth and he goes on with some crazy rebuttal. This happens everyday in almost every conversation. I'm finding myself so frustrated and yelling all of the time. I really feel like I am going crazy. He just makes me feel crazy. Then he says he is not doing it on purpose. We have been moving and he has been up late every night and waking up early for work. I completely understand his being tired. I don't understand why he can't be honest. He claims something else hurts or he is sick every night just because he does not want to admit he is tired. He goes to work late almost everyday. He could careless and feels like he has the right to do whatever he wants to do and people around him need to just understand. He has some time of entitlement issue. The world has to revolve around him. When it doesn't the world is wrong and he is mad and you are the one with the issues.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2017 16:33:08 GMT -7
I do think I could get him to seek help if his work hours were different. His hours vary so much its almost impossible to schedule anything. Then again I don't think it would help because he is a very good manipulator and liar. He knows how to work counseling to go just the way he wants it to. So far he has been able to play his crazy game with every counselor we have seen but 1. Sadly, that person moved to the Virgin Islands. He was the only one who could see the truth. He would tell my husband the truth very bluntly. Even then though, my husband would cry, apologize, claim that he can see the light now and a few days later go right back to his old ways. I'm so beyond tired at this point.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2017 7:48:26 GMT -7
Jay, your hubby is displaying classic addict traits. Denial, manipulation, lying. All those go hand in hand with addiction. It almost seems like these traits are ingrained in him though. What was his childhood Like? Do his parents have a history with addictions?
I can't tell you how to proceed. I can only tell you to be absolutely sure of any decisions you make. Pray and pray and pray some more. I will be praying for you also.
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Post by ladystrong on Oct 12, 2017 18:12:30 GMT -7
I'm sorry that you're still in this situation. He hasn't hit rock bottom yet and until he does he'll be stuck in denial. Are you still getting individual counseling? I hope you're finding growth through all of this suffering. *HUGS*
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