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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2017 14:29:39 GMT -7
Start praying, take it to the Lord. If you have any verses written out, start saying them out loud and declare them as truth. He will help you to stay calm. Your husband will have to tell his mother the reason behind not having WiFi. Its not ok that she just went over your head to order it either. Somehow your husband is going to need to stand up to her, too. It might take him awhile to get it though. It took my husband a good three years to get that my MIL has a problem with treating her in laws like junk. My MIL had the same attitude about porn, which showed me just how little she had value for herself. My mom had a similar attitude as well. I think back then, they just accepted that all men did it and couldn't help themselves. You might want to set ground rules with your husband about what your MIL is allowed to do in your home so that you're both on the same page. I'm praying for you. Remember, God is greater than this and He's fighting for you and your family. Psalm 121:1-8 I know his family does not think much of me already. I hope he doesn't put it all off on me and stands up for our family. I tried to hint around so many times with her about not getting the wifi. I panicked and went to my room. The thought of WiFi in my house is too much for me. I'm not ready for that. Emotionally I can't handle that right now. Having no internet helps me to feel a little safe in my home. My two big boundaries were no internet and no smart phone. I want my husband fully delivered. Right now he is not free but can stay away as long as it is not right in his face. If we have internet or he has a smart phone its right back to the p. He won't seek it out but if its right there he falls every time.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2017 16:10:25 GMT -7
I keep jumping on here because I have no one to talk to and I'm just freaking out. She just came to me and said they are coming to put in cable and internet tomorrow morning. He did not tell her why but he did say that I did not want it when she first arrived days ago. I think she feels it is a money issue. She kept saying that she will pay for it. He also told her before she came that we don't have any of that.
I know she needs it for her online business. I feel so horrible. All I did was smile and look. I was frozen. I feel that I should have said something but I could not bring myself to do it. I called him at work and said you have to tell her when you get home. She is going to be so upset with me. He said that he does not agree with me but if I don't want it then I have that right. He stated that its my home and if I don't want it then he will tell her. At the same time he feels like it would be alright to have in the house and claims he would be fine.
This is not true at all. It would be our past all over again, late nights and early mornings with him on the internet or looking at cable. He always says he can handle it until I catch him again.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2017 19:21:30 GMT -7
If your husband wont put a stop to it... i would tell her as politely as possible... No! just do you best to explain her. This will just be something added to your worry. You dont need that. Tell her you guys will need to come up with another way for her to work her business. She may have to only get internet on her phone instead of the house. Jay.. you can do this. Its ok to let her know that your not trying to be rude and don't want to upset her but your not willing to have the internet in your home. Its to disruptive and causes drama with your marriage.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 31, 2017 22:35:09 GMT -7
When my in laws came over recently and we had already put in a no alcohol policy in our home and on the property. They weren't too fond of it but we weren't yet ready to tell them the real reason behind it. Granted they were only at our house for about three days but it took them time to accept it. Before, I would have caved to their request but not this time. I had my husband lovingly explain to them as much as we were comfortable explaining and that was it. This is our home and we chose to protect it. We did give them lots of opportunities at other restaurants to order alcohol though.
I would keep staying strong and tell her to cancel the internet installation because 1) It's not her home 2) You didn't ask for it 3) You had already decided with your husband that you wouldn't have it. Keep telling her No and that you are open to discuss alternative internet arrangements. Talk with your husband and come up with a solution. There's got to be another way for it to work.
Given her health, I would think she'd have to slow down on her online business. But maybe that's what she has to stay busy. I'm praying for you guys. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2017 11:50:05 GMT -7
So he told her that we made a family rule of not having internet in the home. He told her there had been problems in the past and that we also want to protect the children. He kept repeating the emphasis on protecting the kids.
I'm a little upset that he did not take full personal responsibility. At the same time I see why he did not want to disclose what happened to his mother.
We went for a date night and it was so flat. We did not talk much at all. It really showed me how far apart we have become. We ate, went to a movie and went home. I think it was the most silent outing I've ever been on.
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Post by ladystrong on Aug 3, 2017 21:02:11 GMT -7
I'm glad he at least stood up to her. If she was "whatever's" in the past about his P problem, she probably wouldn't understand or be very supportive if he told her again. Kudos to you guys!
From my own experiences with my husband on going on dates, it was a rough restart for us, even before D-day. We learned that going to the movies was not very productive in building our relationship, partly because we weren't really talking and partly because he would fall asleep! And when we'd go to restaurants he'd want to watch the game on tv rather than talk with me. It took us awhile to find that we liked being active on dates, going hiking or swimming at the lake. Things really started to get better after D-day because he realized that he needed to put extra work into winning me back.
Maybe you guys can think about doing something else besides the movies. Ask each other what you like to do, relearn who you are. It's going to take time and a lot of explaining to him what makes a date really special to you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2017 15:31:22 GMT -7
I know that God hates divorce but I wonder if that is my answer. Right now I am looking for an old phone of mine I was saving so I can get the photos off of it. It's missing so of course I think he has it. Though it is not activated he can log on to wifi anywhere from it. There is no point in my asking him, he would just lie about it. I just don't know how I am supposed to live the rest of my life like this, I'm always in fear. I can't sleep at night because I am checking to see if he is in bed or masterb....g. I live on eggshells everyday. This has to stop. His problem is consuming my life.
On a good note, I have started walking and eating better. I'm glad that I am finally doing good things for my body. My phone crashed and now I can't call him. It drives me crazy because I can't monitor him every second.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2017 17:30:42 GMT -7
Jay.... you go girl! Im so happy you have started walking and eating better... that is so wonderful... goid job... i have been walking lessvbecause its super hot but somehow i still managed to lose 3 pds this week...
I know how you feel about the monitoring. You just want it to stop. Fear was consuming my life to. I just had to stop and think about whats best for me. I was getting so upset that my anxiety was becoming debilitating. I want to add i never had anxiety till May of 2016. It just hit me like a ton of bricks one day. Everytime i caught him looking at P or MB or doing something shaddy. It would set off my anxiety x 10... i hated it... fear was killing me! The Doctor said i was headed toward a nervous break down.
Its hard but he will either stop because thats the boundaries you have set fir him or he wont. If he wont and you stay. Your main focus is gonna have to shift off him And focus on yourself and children. Ficus on god and your health. Go get help anything to start to build your confidence and your strenght. Your self esteem. Just anything it takes to get your focus off him.
Its not easy i know .. im still struggling with it 15 months later. But i am stronger now than i was then. I'm thankful for that.
You can do this jay. Dig deep down and find whatever little bit of sanity and strenght you got left and hold on to it. God will help carry you threw. Hugs my friend. Im so sorry your faced with this. I just hate it...
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Post by ladystrong on Aug 6, 2017 18:18:40 GMT -7
I know how you feel and it's not a good feeling. I can't say for sure what you need to do but I have read what others have had to do to create enough pain for the other half to stop, and that's separation. I don't know if that's the right or wrong way to go for your situation but I have read and heard that that's one of the only ways to get your spouse to wake up and take things seriously. I would suggest that you start building up a support system first before doing anything else. Find people who are safe and who will keep your issues with your husband confidential. The one thing that would have really helped us is if we had other people who were in our lives whom we trusted. So much of the problem lies in isolation. That's where the enemy wants to lead us so that he can get us discouraged enough to give up.
There's a thread in here where someone else who is pregnant is asking about separation as well. Check out ellekay's answer. I think it's the best answer you can get.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2017 12:58:01 GMT -7
My husband is at it again. He was talking to his mom and let the name Kate Upton slip out of his mouth.I heard and said, who is that. He responded a model. I looked it up and noticed that she is the sports illustrated swimsuite cover model for this month. I'm like how do you know who that is. He quickly changes his story and says, I don't I just heard her name a lot. Then the lies kept going.
All I feel is hate in my heart right now. We have put our home on the market. With his mom here we just can't fit in our current home. I just don't care anymore. I wish I would allow him to ever touch me again. I want him as far away from me as possible. What do I do with 6 young children and caring for his sick mother. I just want to run away. I can't hear, feel or see God. I feel alone and I hate my life. I feel trapped. Marrying him was the night mistake of my life. I feel that o have been sentenced to a life time of sadness and depression. I don't have a single reason to try and make this marriage work anymore.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2017 13:51:01 GMT -7
I apologize for sounding so negative but there is nothing in me that wants to make this marriage work. I just want him away from me and out of my life. Of course he swears he's not doing anything and I just have issues. My reply was who cares. I don't care anymore so drop it. I don't want to discuss anything with him and I no longer care what he does. I'm over trying to fight for this joke of a what we call a marriage.
I don't want this marriage. I don't want to be married to a PA. He has ruined my life and taken every thing away from me. I am 100 pounds overweight and I have nobody but my kids. He is so selfish he doesn't have a clue. I just want out.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2017 17:40:34 GMT -7
My 10 year old daughter asked me, mom why do people do that when they know it hurts their famil?" She said that she understood messing up once becy no one is perfect. She said that she does not trust her dad and was going to keep praying about it. I had no idea what to say to her. It broke my heart. I told her to ask her father. All I could say was that men love darkness more than light. She then asked why can't they just have their wife.I can't fully understand it how do I explain it to my child?
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Post by ladystrong on Aug 13, 2017 21:29:39 GMT -7
My 10 year old daughter asked me, mom why do people do that when they know it hurts their famil?" She said that she understood messing up once becy no one is perfect. She said that she does not trust her dad and was going to keep praying about it. I had no idea what to say to her. It broke my heart. I told her to ask her father. All I could say was that men love darkness more than light. She then asked why can't they just have their wife.I can't fully understand it how do I explain it to my child? That breaks my heart too. Life is just so much more complicated ever since the fall of man. There's so much evil that it feels like it would be a miracle for any man to go through this life without being hooked into P or adultery. All I know is that men are more wired to be visually stimulated and when they aren't taught right from wrong at a very young age or they don't have a strong father figure in their life to guide them, they turn to the only thing they see the rest of the world doing. From all your posts, I really think you both need to see a therapist as soon as possible. Maybe separately or together. There are so many layers to each person in a marriage and many of those layers have been masked for a long time because of pain and fear. If there is any shred of love or hope that's still in there, there's still a chance that things can get better. But both of you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Is he willing to see a couples' therapist with you?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 15:16:57 GMT -7
I am sorry Jay. You have had to deal with so much and now add to that your daughter being aware and hurting also. I agree with Lady about seeing a counselor. I hate to see a marriage end so I definitely advocate for counseling and separation first. The thing is that only you and God know what your next step should be. I will support you no matter what you decide. You are in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2017 20:18:48 GMT -7
Hey..jay... Gosh.. i understand your pain... Ok... i am sn advocate for marriage. However..i do understand being so bogged down in pain and mess that you cant even function or think straight... you might want to think of a way to separate from him... it not only affecting you but now your daughter... this could shape her view of men forever... If your husband wont go to couples counseling.. then you and your daughter might should get some counseling.. I understand feeling trapped and just not sure what step is next. Try and just start thinking of whats best for you and your kids. Let him do whatever he is going to do. Once you do that he might start to notice a change in you and he might realize he has messed up... i did rhat and my husband noticed and started making changes. But were far from being were we need to be.
The added pressure of his sick mom.. is another issue that i think is just to much right now... you are an angel for trying to care for her..
The extra weight.. i suggest you battle slowly and one pound at a time.. loving myself was hard for me at first... but slowly .. i started to realize i worth so much more than letting myself be destroyed. I had to take back the power from my husband. Now he sees a stronger me and he backs down.
You can do this jay... it just takes tiny steps.. i was the lowest i had ever been .. sometimes i didnt even want to live... but slowly i remembered that this life can be better than this. Abd it starts with me...
Im praying for you my friend... Hugs..
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