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Post by ladystrong on Jul 21, 2017 16:26:22 GMT -7
'm sorry that you have to endure this kind of emotional abuse. I know how it feels because while my husband was in sin and then hiding the truth from me, he was very snippy with me, from not having water on the table for dinner to not picking up something off the floor (which he could clearly do himself). He later explained to me that there was a lot of turmoil going on inside of him. He was trying to figure out who he was and if he truly wanted to follow Christ. After years of following Him, he had lost hope because things weren't going his way financially. Inside of himself he felt like he didn't have the strength to carry the weight of leading our family. So, he started to give up. And instead of asking for help, he just gave in to the world, which eventually led to his adultery.
I would end up crying so much over little things. I couldn't understand how this person I loved had turned into someone very cruel and mean. I felt like I was a nuisance to him. I felt like I was a single married parent. I didn't understand why he was lying to me continuously and I'd cry almost every time I'd wake up in the morning. My heart was constantly heavy and sad. But the final straw was when I finally SAW the porn with my own eyes. I had enough of all the lying. I got really angry and cussed him out while he cowered in the corner (not a recommended way of dealing with the problem!) and he finally got the point. I was ready to leave with the kids to stay at a hotel. Me almost leaving pushed him to the point of finally seeking help, finally opening up to a brother, and finally making the decision to do a 180 and come clean. He confessed to his adultery about two weeks later and now here we are 7 months later and healing. For me, getting really angry and feeling intense pain was the catalyst that made me move forward to fully surrender to God instead of putting my fake marriage and husband in the spot that only God is supposed to be.
I guess I am sharing this so that you know your feelings are normal. I'm also sharing this because at some moment there has to be a breaking point where your husband decides to go for the jugular and slay the sin with everything he's got. There also needs to be a breaking point for you where you're not going to take it anymore and will be able to stand up to him. I don't know what that breaking point is for you. For some reason your husband is not there yet and so he's taking it out on the person he's closest to- you. Although it doesn't appear like it, he's actually very wounded and is choosing to stay sick.
I pray that God would give you the strength to speak up in truth and love. I also pray that you'd find friends outside of this forum. You need adult human interactions. What age is your youngest? If you can find a MOPS group, drive the distance it takes to make those connections. Maybe a local women's bible study. Something to get you out of the house. You need YOU time!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 17:13:11 GMT -7
I feel guilty when I leave the kids. I think I'm also afraid because many times I left he sent the kids to their rooms the whole time so he can view p.
I always feel like having me time is selfish of me and that I should not need it
My youngest is 3. I'm going to download some of the book recommendations to my kindle. I do enjoy reading when I can.
It would be nice to have a good friend I can talk to outside of this forum.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 21, 2017 20:18:20 GMT -7
Yeah, I can see how you would not trust him with the kids. That is a tough spot to be in. I'm praying that something would change for you so that you can meet up with a friend without the fear of your husband watching p while you're away and that a church nearby would provide childcare while you meet with other women.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2017 10:29:18 GMT -7
OK hon I will get a list together for you. It would help me guide you as to which oils to use if I know a bit more about your hair and scalp. Is your hair oily or Dry? Do you have issues with flaking, itching, sores or pimples on your Scalp? For me my hair is normal to dry but my scalp is oily with flaking, itching, pimples that can turn into sores. My hair is dry. I do have itchy scalp and get sore spots. I also have flaking. OK this helps me. It sounds like your hair is similar to mine. I am going to link you some info on the oils I recommend. The blend that I use is castor oil as the base, argon oil and hemp seed oil. I will also use essential oils like tea tree and lavender. The ratio I use is 2 parts castor oil and 1 part of argon and hemp seed with several drops of the essential oils. Put it in a bottle and shake it up before using. Apply it to your scalp and massage it in. Cover it and let it sit for atleast a few hours...if you can handle it, leave it on over night. Do this atleast once a week. Now if you have problems getting the oil out of your hair, use an apple cider vinegar rinse. 1 part apple cider vinegar to 2 parts warm water. Apply it to your hair and scalp. Let it sit for a few minutes and rinse it out. Castor oil Argon Oil Hemp seed oil
Lavender essential oil
Tea tree essential oil
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2017 18:53:21 GMT -7
So we are on the trip and I'm not sure what to think. We drove 8 hours in a hot van (ac went out) thinking this would be a family trip. He has not spent a second with us yet. Last night the kids and I sat in the hotel hungry for hours waiting on him. He was supposedly at his mother's house visiting with family. He dashed out of the hotel so fast he did not give anyone a chance to say they wanted to go with him. Then tonight the same thing. Only this time I went to the grocery store first so we could have food. Its strange because earlier today he was being so nice. He confessed how sorry he was for his unfaithfulness and thanked me for helping his mom. I am wondering if he has been watching P or cheating. Maybe giving in to his lust has him calm right now. His mom does have internet and cabel. He was supposed to be getting the car fixed yesterday and came back to the hotel without it fixed. I wonder what will be his excuse for not getting it fixed this time. He would never confess, so there is no point in asking him. This was supposed to be our family vacation and I have been stuck in a hotel for two days with 6 kids. I could have done this at home. I still wanted the kids to have fun. I took them to the pool and we had fun without daddy. I fed them dinner tonight and cooked in the room without their dad. He has not spent a second of time with them. Then he said, thanks for understanding I'm trying to spend time with my mother because you never know what could happen. She is coming to stay with us. What??? Really!! You will get to see her all of the time. Then he claims he was lost on his way to his mothers house and on the way back. How is that and he lived here for years? Then he claimed his GPS would not come on. Sounds like lie after lie.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 23, 2017 19:14:40 GMT -7
I'm so sorry that this is happening right now. Not sure what you could do at this point. Having 6 kids to care for by yourself is overwhelming on a trip, especially if you're stuck at the hotel. What are you thinking of doing at this point?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 6:36:44 GMT -7
Oh my goodness Jay. How did you keep your temper? I would have been so angry at him leaving you to care for the kids without any provisions. Infact I am angry at his thoughtlessness. Sweetie you need to take steps in the funds department so that you can remedy that kind of situation if it happens again. Is there a way you can put back some money? It probably wouldn't need to be more then 50 bucks. That way you have a bit of money to get your babies fed if it's needed.
Hang in there. You are in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 8:09:39 GMT -7
My hair is dry. I do have itchy scalp and get sore spots. I also have flaking. OK this helps me. It sounds like your hair is similar to mine. I am going to link you some info on the oils I recommend. The blend that I use is castor oil as the base, argon oil and hemp seed oil. I will also use essential oils like tea tree and lavender. The ratio I use is 2 parts castor oil and 1 part of argon and hemp seed with several drops of the essential oils. Put it in a bottle and shake it up before using. Apply it to your scalp and massage it in. Cover it and let it sit for atleast a few hours...if you can handle it, leave it on over night. Do this atleast once a week. Now if you have problems getting the oil out of your hair, use an apple cider vinegar rinse. 1 part apple cider vinegar to 2 parts warm water. Apply it to your hair and scalp. Let it sit for a few minutes and rinse it out. Castor oil Argon Oil Hemp seed oil
Lavender essential oil
Tea tree essential oil
Moringa Oil also does wonders for the hair and skin - I buy mine on ebay. A little bit goes a long way, too. Check with the vendor from which you are purchasing, but Moringa Oil can also be ingested and used in cooking. Also, Moringa Seeds can be purchased by the hundreds for very cheap on ebay as well. 1-2 seeds simply chewed well and swallowed (about the size of a peanut, and you will get used to the taste) daily will give you TONS different good, healthy stuff in your bloodstream. Plant a Moringa Tree and you'll always have a supply of the seed pods, if you have time & enjoy gardening. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but I recommend doing some reading on some reputable sites about the benefits of Moringa Oleifera when you get a few minutes of 'me' time, if you are interested. I also use Argan Oil and Tea Tree Oil on both my hair and face (I particularly love Argan Oil) - these are great suggestions, Amy. Blessings
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 8:31:55 GMT -7
Jay I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this type of behavior from your husband.
He should be more considerate of his wife and his children.
He clearly has other things that are higher on his priority list and you deserve better.
I am so sorry.
I don't have children so I have no idea what your situation would be like, but I want to take this opportunity to remind you of a few things:
1. You have done a great job at caring for your children- starting with driving with them for 8 hours in a van with no a/c. 2. You have been a great mom by staying with them in the hotel, despite your husband's lack of consideration for spending time there with you and the kids and for making sure that you have provisions before he rushes out the door to do whatever it is that he's doing. 3. When he actually manned-up and bothered to leave his family some groceries, you stayed in the hotel with your children and cooked for them and made sure they were taken care of. 4. Despite all of the mental stress you might be going through right now because of your husband's actions, you took 6 children to the pool so that they could enjoy a nice day with their mother.
You sound like a wonderful mother, and I am sure it's not easy to do when dad is not around.
Don't forget how great you are - don't forget how strong you are - don't forget what a wonderful mother you are. I am sorry that you and the children are missing out on the husband and father that each of you deserve. But don't forget what a wonderful job you are doing raising your children, they need you so badly.
I hope that your husband has a 'come to Jesus' moment soon. Maybe this is something that you need to be praying for. It hurts to think about it, but sometimes a harsh reality check is the only thing that can 'wake' someone like your husband up.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 10:04:10 GMT -7
I packed a ton of snacks for the children to have in the car on the way down. I had a little left over so they had dry cheerios and chips on paper towels. I felt horrible. He finally showed up the first night with Wendy's around 11pm. Last night he called at 10 and said he would bring pizza. I told him never mind, I bought food at the grocery store to make dinner. They had already eaten and were in bed. He said he was on his way and showed 2 hours later.
I packed a few toys to keep them busy in the car, so they had that to play with.
Now with his mother coming I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. My children are 10,9,5,4 year old boys, and 3 (4 girls and 2 boys). Right now I just want to go home.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 10:09:17 GMT -7
Oh my goodness Jay. How did you keep your temper? I would have been so angry at him leaving you to care for the kids without any provisions. Infact I am angry at his thoughtlessness. Sweetie you need to take steps in the funds department so that you can remedy that kind of situation if it happens again. Is there a way you can put back some money? It probably wouldn't need to be more then 50 bucks. That way you have a bit of money to get your babies fed if it's needed. Hang in there. You are in my prayers. In the past I would not have kept my temper. I'm trying to be quiet and allow God to fight for me. Plus Im tired of upsetting the kids.I did not say a word. Now he keeps asking what is wrong saying he does not want me mad at him. He keeps saying sorry. I'm going to kill him with silence.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 24, 2017 10:42:34 GMT -7
I would not stonewall him with silence but at least tell him that yes, you are mad at him and that you would like to set up a time away from the kids where you can talk with him privately. Write down how you are feeling, get it out on paper so that it's not stuck in your head. I agree with Butterfly that there needs to be a "wake up"moment for him because he's not getting it. But, I also think that he's not necessarily trying to be a total jerk to you, he's just really stuck in the turmoil within himsel, is probably too ashamed to get any kind of help, and has no clue how he's affecting others around him.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2017 11:20:23 GMT -7
I would not stonewall him with silence but at least tell him that yes, you are mad at him and that you would like to set up a time away from the kids where you can talk with him privately. Write down how you are feeling, get it out on paper so that it's not stuck in your head. I agree with Butterfly that there needs to be a "wake up"moment for him because he's not getting it. But, I also think that he's not necessarily trying to be a total jerk to you, he's just really stuck in the turmoil within himsel, is probably too ashamed to get any kind of help, and has no clue how he's affecting others around him. Thank you for the advice. I will try this and see what happens.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2017 20:47:02 GMT -7
I feel so down and hopeless.I feel that he will never change. I tried to talk to him about the hotel situation and he just got defensive. Then as usual turned the tables and made me out to be the bad guy. All I can do is cry. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I just don't know what to do. If it were not for the kids I would just give up. I come on here talking about faith and how I wont be down anymore. I feel like such a hypocrite. The truth is I'm hurt and miserable. I'm in a marriage where I can't be myself and I can't even talk to my husband. Maybe God is trying to show me something but I just don't see it. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want this marriage.
He is also mad because I won't let him touch me. Its been weeks. I just can't . I no longer have any feelings for him outside of hurt and anger.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 26, 2017 21:49:55 GMT -7
Girlfriend, you're not a hypocrite! Those are normal feelings of depression- some days/moments you're feeling good and then other days/moments you get triggered and take a dive. Stop beating yourself up! I go through those cycles and my husband has repented! This is going to take a lot of time to overcome, especially if your other half isn't totally fighting with you against the enemy. I've accepted that it may possibly take me years to get be healed. Every day I'm hit with triggers and I am LEARNING to get the bad thoughts out of my head. It's all part of the sanctification process, God's burning off the dross as I go through the fire and it hurts bad some days. He's doing the same thing for you.
For now, get connected with other women. Seek out other people to talk with. You don't have to share your whole story but at least get talking to other adults face to face. You were created to be in community with others and are part of a body. People are missing out on your part of the body! You are valuable to God and to others, BELIEVE IT.
You've already taken some steps to change by yourself and that is awesome! Keep going, keep taking the little steps to being healthier. And even if your marriage doesn't get healthy right away, YOU can get healthy.
Prayers for you, friend. *HUGS*
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