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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 11:23:03 GMT -7
I created a new thread because I was thinking the other one was getting pretty long. So this weekend we have to drive to another state to pickup my husbands mother. She is sick and will be straying with us due to there being better treatment options for her in our area. I have not seen her or his family in years. Since then, I have put on a ton of weight and am very obese. People who knew me early in my marriage and before my marriage just can't seem to understand how I have gotten this way. I use to be a dancer and loved running (which I have not done in years). When I discovered my husbands unfaithfulness, I clocked out on life. I became very depressed and thus the weight begin. I lost my joy for life and things have never been the same. Each new discovery led me further into my pit. I have always done just enough to take care of the children, but nothing more. I have also begin losing my hair, so I am forced to wear wigs. I don't feel comfortable in wigs at all. The point is, I am ashamed of what I have turned into. I don't want his family to see me like this. I know my family and others already wonder what happened to me. I can't tell my loved one that it is because of my depression over my husbands actions. My family is not the type you can be open with. Anyway, I have to go on this trip, but I feel so uncomfortable. I am having all type of anxiety about this because I am so ashamed. My kids are excited and looking forward tot he trip. I don't want to mess this up for them with my woe is me attitude. His sisters are very much in shape, so I know they will judge me. They have beautiful natural hair on top of that. We are supposed to go out to eat as a family before we leave their state headed home. I could cry just thinking about it. I just don't know what to do. I promised myself I would drop some weight before this trip happen. Time went so fast and it did not happen. I'm in my early 30s and feel that I am too young for the health issues that I am having. We have to move soon because our current home is not big enough to accommodate our family and his mother. I'm doing so much to get ready for her and help. I have not even gotten a thank you from him. It breaks my heart that I can bend over backwards for him, which I don't mind ( I enjoy helping people) but he can't even say thank you. I have allowed him to destroy me and he won't take full responsibility. Now I will be caring for our children and his mother. It would be easier if I felt more support from him. I already know how this is going to go. When we get around his family he is a different person. He turns into someone I don't like at all. I can't say anything because he will just deny it Then we we arrive home with his mom, I won't know who he is either. This also means our in house separation will end. He will have to stay in our room. I had a dream that his mom came and he was viewing P on her computer. I am worried on so many levels.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 20, 2017 14:13:14 GMT -7
Ok, first you've got to stop that "stinking thinking", it's coming from the enemy. Start praying out loud and command the enemy to leave in Jesus' name. Take up that tent peg and drive it into those defeating thoughts. Wear God's armor like the warrior you are!
What you look like doesn't matter to God, He's more concerned with the state of your heart than your outward appearance. You have depression but that doesn't have to define who you are. God made you and thinks you're really awesome despite outer appearances. Live for an audience of One, Your Creator! Stop thinking about what other people will say about you. Know in your heart that you are a daughter of the Most High King. And since you are His daughter, start treating yourself like one! Go out with friends or by yourself. Get your nails done. Do something that will make YOU feel good. As my friend said, "Every little bit counts to help you feel good about yourself!" Schedule a time away from the house and stand firm in keeping it, no matter how crappy you feel. Take one small step toward being healthier, maybe something like increasing your water intake, getting more sleep, or writing down three things you're grateful for everyday.
The upcoming situation with your MIL moving in says all kind of "unhealthy" in my head but maybe God has a plan for all of it. I do hope that your husband's sisters are willing to help out financially with caring for their mom. Will they help? Does your husband understand the strain he is placing on you with moving and caring for his mom? It's not impossible to do but it definitely exacerbates the P issue.
I feel like you really need an outlet away from the home and the kids. I'm praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 15:00:14 GMT -7
Hugs Jay. The stress you have been under has wrecked havoc on your health from the sounds of it. I can understand that. Have you considered that the stress may have brought on an autoimmune disease that is causing the hair loss? I became gluten and lactose intolerant after my miscarriage and divorce. One of the symptoms is hair loss. Another is weight gain, bloating, tiredness, headaches, etc. You may just need to look at changing your diet to get some relief from the symptoms you're experiencing.
There are natural oils and such that you can use to help your hair grow. If you are interested in trying some of these, I can put together a list of the oils and their benefits.
Stay close to our Father hon during this trip. Try to remind yourself that only His opinion of you matters. He is madly in love with you and thinks you are the most beautiful daughter He has.
I will be praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 16:35:56 GMT -7
I only have a minute right now to reply, but I wanted to share some info I learned from "For Men Only". One of the things they talked about was a woman's appearance, and how men view them. They said that the majority of men thought an overweight woman was still attractive as long as that woman made an effort in her appearance. Basically, addressing whether you someone that wears sweat pants and no makeup most of the time, or do you put forth an effort to look good or great some or most of the time. I can totally relate to not wanting to dress like I am feeling well, or avoid putting on makeup. I only wear makeup on occasion, but I try not to wear sweats or lounge type clothing except for the evening before bed. I hope this helps. Remember that you are beautiful when you reflect the image and beliefs of our Heavenly Father.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 16:45:29 GMT -7
Ok, first you've got to stop that "stinking thinking", it's coming from the enemy. Start praying out loud and command the enemy to leave in Jesus' name. Take up that tent peg and drive it into those defeating thoughts. Wear God's armor like the warrior you are! What you look like doesn't matter to God, He's more concerned with the state of your heart than your outward appearance. You have depression but that doesn't have to define who you are. God made you and thinks you're really awesome despite outer appearances. Live for an audience of One, Your Creator! Stop thinking about what other people will say about you. Know in your heart that you are a daughter of the Most High King. And since you are His daughter, start treating yourself like one! Go out with friends or by yourself. Get your nails done. Do something that will make YOU feel good. As my friend said, "Every little bit counts to help you feel good about yourself!" Schedule a time away from the house and stand firm in keeping it, no matter how crappy you feel. Take one small step toward being healthier, maybe something like increasing your water intake, getting more sleep, or writing down three things you're grateful for everyday. The upcoming situation with your MIL moving in says all kind of "unhealthy" in my head but maybe God has a plan for all of it. I do hope that your husband's sisters are willing to help out financially with caring for their mom. Will they help? Does your husband understand the strain he is placing on you with moving and caring for his mom? It's not impossible to do but it definitely exacerbates the P issue. I feel like you really need an outlet away from the home and the kids. I'm praying for you. I do need an outlet. I use to do so much before I married.I took guitar lessons, dance classes and had so much fun. My husband lost several jobs over the years so I decided to set my needs aside to save money. Then all of the children came. My life became about my children and dealing with the pain of my marriage. Everyone I had turned their backs on me when I left my fathers church. All of my friends were members of his Church. Not real friends at all. I went back to school and graduated in 2014. That gave me an outlet. Now that school is over I don't know what to do with myself. I tell myself that the family can't afford my nails to get done or for me to get new clothes. The truth is my husband and children have what they need and more. We could afford it. I guess I don't feel like I'm worth it or deserve it. I'm fine shopping for the house, my husband or the kids. I feel guilty when I do anything for me. I also hate giving him the satisfaction. I don't like fixing up in a way that he would like. I feel like I'm feeding the monster if I do. I have allowed others to dictate how I should feel about myself. When others are happy with me then I'm alright, when they are not I feel horrible. I know where with comes from in part. My parents are very narcissistic and raised me to be this way. They wanted me to be a people pleaser. They get angry when I'm not. My sister is the same way. They hate me when they can't control me. That is another story. He has not even considered the strain this will put on me. I was not asked if she could stay long term I was told she would be staying long term. My plan was for a few weeks. His family won't be helping at all. I just held my peace about the this. I'm tired of fighting so I just let him do whatever. Everything is an argument with him. He will just play victim and I'm always the bad guy. He wants her here so that is end of discussion. I don't mind helping her, I just wish he would think of me. When I stand up for myself I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. According to him he is always innocent, I just nag him and I have personal issues. My thoughts and opinions don't really matter in my home. Therefore I just keep them to myself these days. He has even convinced the kids that I'm always fighting with him and starting with him. He has them believing he is a victim. They are only 9 and 10 and will make excuses for him like, " mom you know he did not have the book best child hood, give him grace". I get so much judgement from those oldest two. They don't understand.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 16:56:20 GMT -7
Hugs Jay. The stress you have been under has wrecked havoc on your health from the sounds of it. I can understand that. Have you considered that the stress may have brought on an autoimmune disease that is causing the hair loss? I became gluten and lactose intolerant after my miscarriage and divorce. One of the symptoms is hair loss. Another is weight gain, bloating, tiredness, headaches, etc. You may just need to look at changing your diet to get some relief from the symptoms you're experiencing. There are natural oils and such that you can use to help your hair grow. If you are interested in trying some of these, I can put together a list of the oils and their benefits. Stay close to our Father hon during this trip. Try to remind yourself that only His opinion of you matters. He is madly in love with you and thinks you are the most beautiful daughter He has. I will be praying for you. I am tired all of the time and I do have headaches often. I drink mounds of coffee each day just to keep going. I would like to learn to about the oils.I do drink at lot of water. I don't eat very often usually 1-2 times per day. People can't believe I am so heavy and don't eat much. I just put on 20 pounds in the last 2 months. I'm picking up the weight really fast. Over the last 8 months I have put on 40 pounds. I did not consider that the stress could be causing another problem. I keep hearing stay away from all white carbs. I may try that also.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 17:01:03 GMT -7
I only have a minute right now to reply, but I wanted to share some info I learned from "For Men Only". One of the things they talked about was a woman's appearance, and how men view them. They said that the majority of men thought an overweight woman was still attractive as long as that woman made an effort in her appearance. Basically, addressing whether you someone that wears sweat pants and no makeup most of the time, or do you put forth an effort to look good or great some or most of the time. I can totally relate to not wanting to dress like I am feeling well, or avoid putting on makeup. I only wear makeup on occasion, but I try not to wear sweats or lounge type clothing except for the evening before bed. I hope this helps. Remember that you are beautiful when you reflect the image and beliefs of our Heavenly Father. Thanks. I am in PJ attire almost all of the time. I'm home all day most days. I only really fix up if I need to take the kids around to various appointments. I use to love fashion and dressing up. With all of the weight I really get depressed shopping for clothes. I need to shake this off. I don't want my 4 daughters to see me this way.
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 20, 2017 19:12:56 GMT -7
I used to feel the same way about spending money on myself. But after my husband started acting really off (smoking pot and hiding it multiple times and porn admission) I decided it was high time I took care of myself. I didn't have a good attitude about it though. I was hurting and just wanted to feel desired. Thankfully my husband saw my need for an outlet and he let me spend money on myself and would let me go out with my friends. Don't hold yourself back from taking care of yourself because of your husband. The truth is, when you don't take care of yourself, your whole family suffers. It's a trickle down effect. You can choose to be healthy even if your husband isn't. You can choose to be a good example even if your husband isn't.
Romans 12:1-2 and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (I know that this addresses sexual immorality but I think it still applies to taking care of ourselves). God wants you to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Your spirit has been very depressed for a long time but it longs to sing and shine forth. You can do that despite your husband's response. If he says he likes that you're dressing better or taking better care of yourself because it reminds him of women from P, tell him that doesn't feel good and is not right. Start telling him how you feel. A good book that many women in my church found helpful was "The emotionally healthy woman" by Geri Scazzero. She was a people pleaser for a LONG time but once she made the commitment to speak her mind, despite the response on the other side, she found great freedom. I encourage you to find something to help you get freed from this mindset you are in.
For total health, "The Daniel Plan" might be helpful as well. It's by Rick Warren and addresses five areas: faith, food, focus, friends, and fitness. It's just a good start for anyone who needs a point to begin with being healthier and it's very encouraging. Plus it's a "win or learn" mindset, you really can't fail.
You can do this! You can change! God doesn't want you to stay stagnant in your faith or your health. He is helping you grow out of the old habits and the old ideals. You can't keep blaming your lack of motivation or change into depression on your husbsnd either. I know that's hard to hear. Making the decision to change starts with you alone. I pray you would hear from God and He would move you to change!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 20:34:51 GMT -7
Remember that you are beautiful when you reflect the image and beliefs of our Heavenly Father. AMEN, SISTA!!! Hi, Jay! You are going through a lot, and I hope that God heals and blesses you with strength and confidence inside and out. You are a child of God and you deserve to be and to feel loved just the way you are. God cares not what you look like, or He would have automatically made everyone look the same so that we would all be pleasing to His eyes.... You are beautiful no matter what size you are and how much you do or don't dress up. That being said, there's nothing wrong with trying to improve one's physical appearance and general health! Do it for you because you deserve it. I'm just going to suggest something that has worked for me and basically changed my life as far as how I feel health-wise: Maybe you would consider going vegan for a month or two and see if that helps you to get & feel healthier? About a month or two ago, I stopped drinking dairy milk and stopped eating meat (basically, I went vegan, but I still eat things like mayonnaise, so it's not allll the way vegan) Anyways, I simply subbed dairy milk with almond or coconut milk and stopped eating meat and cheese. I grew up down south where we had meat 2-3 times daily, with every meal. And cheese galore! I used to drink about 2-3 gallons of dairy milk each week. No kidding. I LOVED my milk, meats, and cheese!!! Within about a week of cutting out milk, cheese, and animal meats: *My back stopped hurting all of the time. (I went to a chiropractor from ages 12-21) *I stopped feeling fatigued all the time every day. *I stopped getting random headaches. *I have not gotten a migraine since, but it hasn't been that long, so we will see. *I lost about 10 pounds without doing any extra exercising. *I no longer feel sick and tired every time after I eat (which I almost always did but didn't connect it with the food since I was just eating 'normal' food). *I no longer randomly feel nauseous during the day/night. *Energy levels are up, in general. (Right now, I am battling a chest infection so I have been in bed sleeping tons lately. sad face) There are tons of veggie patties and vegan patties and things that you can sub for your meats, and they average around $1/piece or less so it's not an expensive lifestyle change, you just have to stop buying dairy and meats and buy different things. This is just something that I have personally done that is pretty easy and has worked for me as far as being healthier and feeling better physically. If you feel like trying it for a while, I hope it is a beneficial to you, as well! There's an interesting documentary called What The Health? (2017) that really helped me to make sense of what I was putting in my body and why it was affecting my health so badly. I thought it was just me... It was clearly just the food I was eating. Hope this helps you in some way. *hugs* God Bless
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 22:43:39 GMT -7
Remember that you are beautiful when you reflect the image and beliefs of our Heavenly Father. AMEN, SISTA!!! Hi, Jay! You are going through a lot, and I hope that God heals and blesses you with strength and confidence inside and out. You are a child of God and you deserve to be and to feel loved just the way you are. God cares not what you look like, or He would have automatically made everyone look the same so that we would all be pleasing to His eyes.... You are beautiful no matter what size you are and how much you do or don't dress up. That being said, there's nothing wrong with trying to improve one's physical appearance and general health! Do it for you because you deserve it. I'm just going to suggest something that has worked for me and basically changed my life as far as how I feel health-wise: Maybe you would consider going vegan for a month or two and see if that helps you to get & feel healthier? About a month or two ago, I stopped drinking dairy milk and stopped eating meat (basically, I went vegan, but I still eat things like mayonnaise, so it's not allll the way vegan) Anyways, I simply subbed dairy milk with almond or coconut milk and stopped eating meat and cheese. I grew up down south where we had meat 2-3 times daily, with every meal. And cheese galore! I used to drink about 2-3 gallons of dairy milk each week. No kidding. I LOVED my milk, meats, and cheese!!! Within about a week of cutting out milk, cheese, and animal meats: *My back stopped hurting all of the time. (I went to a chiropractor from ages 12-21) *I stopped feeling fatigued all the time every day. *I stopped getting random headaches. *I have not gotten a migraine since, but it hasn't been that long, so we will see. *I lost about 10 pounds without doing any extra exercising. *I no longer feel sick and tired every time after I eat (which I almost always did but didn't connect it with the food since I was just eating 'normal' food). *I no longer randomly feel nauseous during the day/night. *Energy levels are up, in general. (Right now, I am battling a chest infection so I have been in bed sleeping tons lately. sad face) There are tons of veggie patties and vegan patties and things that you can sub for your meats, and they average around $1/piece or less so it's not an expensive lifestyle change, you just have to stop buying dairy and meats and buy different things. This is just something that I have personally done that is pretty easy and has worked for me as far as being healthier and feeling better physically. If you feel like trying it for a while, I hope it is a beneficial to you, as well! There's an interesting documentary called What The Health? (2017) that really helped me to make sense of what I was putting in my body and why it was affecting my health so badly. I thought it was just me... It was clearly just the food I was eating. Hope this helps you in some way. *hugs* God Bless Thank you so much. I would love to try this. I think it would be a good way to cleanes my body also. I want to start asap. I need more energy for my kids. I feel so bad that I miss out on their lives because I'm always tired. The other post were right, change starts with me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 5:23:37 GMT -7
Hugs Jay. The stress you have been under has wrecked havoc on your health from the sounds of it. I can understand that. Have you considered that the stress may have brought on an autoimmune disease that is causing the hair loss? I became gluten and lactose intolerant after my miscarriage and divorce. One of the symptoms is hair loss. Another is weight gain, bloating, tiredness, headaches, etc. You may just need to look at changing your diet to get some relief from the symptoms you're experiencing. There are natural oils and such that you can use to help your hair grow. If you are interested in trying some of these, I can put together a list of the oils and their benefits. Stay close to our Father hon during this trip. Try to remind yourself that only His opinion of you matters. He is madly in love with you and thinks you are the most beautiful daughter He has. I will be praying for you. I am tired all of the time and I do have headaches often. I drink mounds of coffee each day just to keep going. I would like to learn to about the oils.I do drink at lot of water. I don't eat very often usually 1-2 times per day. People can't believe I am so heavy and don't eat much. I just put on 20 pounds in the last 2 months. I'm picking up the weight really fast. Over the last 8 months I have put on 40 pounds. I did not consider that the stress could be causing another problem. I keep hearing stay away from all white carbs. I may try that also. OK hon I will get a list together for you. It would help me guide you as to which oils to use if I know a bit more about your hair and scalp. Is your hair oily or Dry? Do you have issues with flaking, itching, sores or pimples on your Scalp? For me my hair is normal to dry but my scalp is oily with flaking, itching, pimples that can turn into sores.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 7:23:53 GMT -7
I am tired all of the time and I do have headaches often. I drink mounds of coffee each day just to keep going. I would like to learn to about the oils.I do drink at lot of water. I don't eat very often usually 1-2 times per day. People can't believe I am so heavy and don't eat much. I just put on 20 pounds in the last 2 months. I'm picking up the weight really fast. Over the last 8 months I have put on 40 pounds. I did not consider that the stress could be causing another problem. I keep hearing stay away from all white carbs. I may try that also. OK hon I will get a list together for you. It would help me guide you as to which oils to use if I know a bit more about your hair and scalp. Is your hair oily or Dry? Do you have issues with flaking, itching, sores or pimples on your Scalp? For me my hair is normal to dry but my scalp is oily with flaking, itching, pimples that can turn into sores. My hair is dry. I do have itchy scalp and get sore spots. I also have flaking.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 7:35:01 GMT -7
I have gotten so many ideas from you ladies already. Thank you so much for for being a listening ear and willing to help. You are also very encouraging, I really needed to hear what you had to say. I don't have any friends outside of the internet. I can't talk to my parents or sister about personal issues. They are very controling and will only use it to throw it back in my face or to verbally attack my husband. Thank you again.
Last night I asked my husband to kill a bug for me. He sighed and unwilling went to do it. The man who would do anything for me in the past does not even want to kill a bug for me now. He looked at me and said, "what I don't feel like killing it, is that a crime?" I said nothing and begin to cry. He then says, you have personal issues and what's wrong with you. I took out my prayer journal and begin to write. He went on and on. I remained silent. Normally something as small as this would spring a fight. Im just tired now so I refused to play this crazy game anymore Then this morning he goes off to view P.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 10:50:45 GMT -7
Hey Jay... Im just catching up on this post... the ladies have had some great advice... i dont have much time right now to post... But i will hopefully ge5 to catch up later... Their is a book my psych doctor asked me to read.. its called the verbally abusive relationship by patricia evans... i would recommend reading it and a book called The emotionally destructive marriage by Leslie Vernik.... if you dont like to read you can get them in audible.com....
Alot if what your going threw.. i have to including the way you feel about yourself...and ALWAYS putting yourself last.
I will write more later... but for now just keep reaching out on hear and stay close to God.. srart taking care of yourself.. even if its a tiny step... but altleast start with something...
Hang in their my friend... Hugs..
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 11:01:22 GMT -7
Oh! And your Husband treating you that way over you simply asking him to kill a bug.... Ggrrrrrrr... 😲😤😠 Well ... it agrivates the crap out of me. But that behavior he gave you is definitely illistrated in the books i mentioned to you. Thise books will help you learn what your dealing with... I My H has treated me the same way. I'm sorry your feeling this way.. my heart goes out to you..
You are not Alone and you are not crazy! I will post later... God Willing! Everyone have a happy friday!
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