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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 8:04:49 GMT -7
Hello.
I am new here and am in desperate need of some guidance and encouragement.
My husband is currently finally facing his demons and dealing with his porn addiction (I hope he means it this time).
Are there any women on here who have been able to successfully overcome their husband's PA that might be able to give me some advice? I am in need of encouraging words to tell me to not let go of this marriage even though it makes me so miserable.
Are there any men on here who have overcome their PA that might have some encouraging words for me from their perspective?
I am trying to stay strong and have forgiven him and tried to forget so many times over the years, more than I care to count, but he keeps breaking my heart over and over again with the lies he tells.
I just want to forgive and forget because I am not perfect, either, but there is only so much of this my heart can take. Sometimes I wonder if there really is any true, romantic love left in me for him. I constantly pray for the Lord's strength to help me to continue to love this man as He would have me do.
Please help encourage me.
Thanks, everyone.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 8:36:04 GMT -7
Butterfly, you have come to the right place. Our community is small but we are a family.
I want to caution you to take things slowly with your husband. Give him a chance to prove himself but go slow. It takes time to change who you are and that is what God is trying to get your husband to do. Put some boundaries in place with consequences so that you feel safe. Watch him because actions speak louder than words.
I would suggest that you get into counseling if you aren't already. It helps to have someone who is objective to talk to. They see things a bit more clearly then you do and they help you work through all the emotions that you are going through.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 10:46:32 GMT -7
Thank you so much for welcoming me. This is a wonderful site and I see how many people are being blessed by it. I am glad that I finally created an account and am able to utilize the forum.
"I want to caution you to take things slowly with your husband. Give him a chance to prove himself but go slow. It takes time to change who you are and that is what God is trying to get your husband to do." Great advice !! I suppose one of the worst things that people can do in these situations is rush- Rush into getting back together, rush to get married, rush to have kids, etc etc. I have been telling my husband that when we are separated that he needs to focus on HIM and his recovery. It is so important that he get inside himself and work out his demons and become a stronger man in God before he tries to be a husband. I definitely do not mind going slow, I need and want to go slow, no doubt. He is usually pretty quick to try to get back together.
"Put some boundaries in place with consequences so that you feel safe." The consequences of his lying about his porn watching has been definite separation and consideration of divorce. Do you have suggestions as far as this? I feel like there is no way for the marriage to move forward and for us to remain a partnership if he is lying about what he is doing online and on his phone, so the only way I feel safe is to get him away from me and allow him to focus on himself and his addiction. I also usually need that time to be alone and to recover, so I focus on myself during our separations to make sure that I maintain a forgiving and loving spirit. I feel like separation or divorce are the only consequences that make me feel safe. Does that make any sense?
"Watch him because actions speak louder than words." He is VERY good at talking the talk. As most men are. But I am a woman of ACTION. I DO things. I don't just talk about doing them and how great I will be. I let my actions speak for themselves because that's reality. I firmly believe that ACTION = REALITY and absolutely refuse to listen to lies and empty promises as words mean next to nothing to me, especially the words that come out of my husband's mouth. I feel like all I can do is try to keep a forgiving and godly spirit about it, try to be as Christ-like as a sinner like me can, and keep giving him opportunities to turn his fantasy talk into a reality for himself, for me, and for our marriage.
"I would suggest that you get into counseling if you aren't already." Excellent advice. I am definitely keeping that in mind.
"It helps to have someone who is objective to talk to. They see things a bit more clearly then you do and they help you work through all the emotions that you are going through." It does help so much. I used to just read on the PA websites and study articles on it, but participating and getting in contact with people on the forum here seems to already be helping me out a lot to understand that there are people who care and understand and that I can honestly talk about it. What a blessing.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 16:06:57 GMT -7
Hon, if separation is what helps you feel safe then that should be a consequence. I really hate advocating for divorce and that should be a last resort. For so many spouses that find BG that option is being considered. Divorce is an option but should be a last resort.
For me it was an easy decision. I got married a few years ago. The ex said he had issues with porn in the past but he had taken care of it. So marriage, got pregnant, found out he lied, put down boundaries, miscarried, found out he had progressed to underage stuff, confronted him, he got violent...so divorce it was. Had he not gotten violent I would still be in the fight for my marriage. Anyway that's the short version of my story. The whole detailed thing is on this forum in different posts.
Bottom line is that only you and God can decide when or if divorce is the right decision for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 20:53:08 GMT -7
Amy, you have been through so much.
What utter and complete devastation to learn that your husband was looking at illegal, underage porn. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I am so sorry that he got violent when you confronted him about it.
Good for you for divorcing and moving on in a positive path. You tried your best, and were willing to try even more. NO ONE can fault you for protecting yourself and the preserving yourself.
I have already typed up the divorce papers, and have said to myself a million times that I want to just "divorce that POS and get back to having a life!", but I haven't done it yet. I am still waiting on the Lord to show me what needs to be done. It is VERY hard, but I am trying very very hard not to be too hasty with filing it. After all, I'm the idiot that married him even though my mind and heart were telling me to run.
I agree that divorce should be a last resort. Unfortunately, it is always the first thing on my mind when his drama hits and my life gets blown up and turned upside down.
Marriage is so hard. Why does everyone say it's so easy??? (sarcasm)
I am so thankful that you have kept yourself strong and that you are here on the forum.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 7, 2017 13:09:45 GMT -7
Hi butterfly, I just wanted to welcome you. I'm glad to see that you're plugging in.
And there is so much hope. Believe me, this process may be hard, but so worth it. You are not alone. Many here understand what you are going through.
You'll get through this. God is faithful and we'll support you. Thank you for sharing.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2017 16:33:43 GMT -7
Butterfly, I am glad you are waiting on God and not rushing into divorce. Give God time to work. God can and does change people if given the chance. We just have to be willing to do the hard work to change.
BTW... marriage is never easy! I told God if he wanted me to get married again, He would have to come tell me in person. Lol. I don't think that will ever happen.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2017 16:53:25 GMT -7
Thank you so much, Kevin I really appreciate that. Thank you for reminding me that there is hope and that I am not alone. And congratulations to you on remaining strong and focused on your journey, all the while encouraging others. Amy, I am hoping that God will continue to give me the strength and forgiveness that I need to continue on in this marriage. God has been so good to me. I have never come to Him for help, guidance, or to ask for forgiveness and been turned away. The LEAST I can do is continue to forgive my husband and have faith that God will keep my heart and mind intact and fill it up so full with strength, love, and peace that it overflows into every other aspect of my life. "I told God if he wanted me to get married again, He would have to come tell me in person."
LOLOLOLOLOL ! You guys here are doing SUCH a glorious job of keeping me not only uplifted, but grounded as well. I am so grateful. THANK YOU ALL!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 8, 2017 10:53:20 GMT -7
Hon, if separation is what helps you feel safe then that should be a consequence. I really hate advocating for divorce and that should be a last resort. For so many spouses that find BG that option is being considered. Divorce is an option but should be a last resort. For me it was an easy decision. I got married a few years ago. The ex said he had issues with porn in the past but he had taken care of it. So marriage, got pregnant, found out he lied, put down boundaries, miscarried, found out he had progressed to underage stuff, confronted him, he got violent...so divorce it was. Had he not gotten violent I would still be in the fight for my marriage. Anyway that's the short version of my story. The whole detailed thing is on this forum in different posts. Bottom line is that only you and God can decide when or if divorce is the right decision for you. That was two years ago. And I remember that it was that incident that prompted her to seek support. Amy and I met on another forum. She came to BG several months later after hearing from me about it. But God has used her so much here. Did you know, around last year, that mike was planning to shut down the forum because of technical issues with an upgrade? And it was because of Amy that it was saved. There were only about a half dozen of us members that were active at the time. And Amy came up with a solution that saved the forum! And she's been so faithful even when the reward has seemed so small. But Amy, let me share with you something. You are big in God's eyes. Thank for for all the work and service you do here. Would you ever believe that such fruit would be coming out of this right now? Makes all that hard work worthwhile. God is moving here. Whatever happens tomorrow, I don't know. But it's nice to see fruits of labor now, and you were a big part of that. Thank you Amy. You are so loved and appreciated here.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2017 11:02:38 GMT -7
AMY !!!! WHAT A BLESSING YOU ARE !!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH !!! THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, GIRL !!!! : You're The Best Around: www.youtube.com/watch?v=oomCIXGzsR0“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” (Hebrews 12:2-3). “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Corinthians 12:9). "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalms 147:3). "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God (Romans 5:1-2). "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1). "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" (Revelation 21:3-4).
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2017 11:46:35 GMT -7
Kevin I will always thank God that we met and that you brought me here. This ministry has changed me in so many ways and the members past and present have been a blessing. You all have helped me learn and grow as a person and child of God.
When I tell you all that I love and respect you, I mean it. You all have so much heart and a fighting spirit. It helps me to continue in my own walk to see you all not giving up on your journeys. God has blessed all through this ministry and I thank God for putting this ministry in Mike's heart.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2017 11:29:29 GMT -7
Thank you guys for positively and spiritually encouraging me to do what's best for my life, myself, and to remind me of what God wants for me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 13:46:06 GMT -7
H came by the house yesterday and did such a great job clearing the branches from the roof - He even brought over a hedge trimmer and did a way more thorough job of it than I would have ever been able to! It looks great!
We had been texting and everything, but still haven't talked to one another since our last argument here a few weeks ago. When he was done with the roof stuff, I texted him that I had no idea if I wanted to see him and asked him how he felt about seeing me. We agreed to a cup of coffee to feel things out, so he came inside the house and I came out of the bedroom.
Within about 5 minutes, things felt normal again yay! I was making him laugh about stuff and we were having a nice time chatting, like we usually do. ( I want to say "always" here, but I am trying to never use words like that! ) <--- I did it, again! D'oh.
He stayed the night which was really nice and we ended up staying up all night enjoying each other's company.
We discussed the forum, he answered things that he knew I need clarification on, we discussed the changes that we are making. He assured me with both words and ACTION that he wanted this marriage to survive and he wanted to do things to help me understand that. I didn't shy away at his touch (it's usually a wise decision to go with your natural reaction on this! I didn't shy away from it because I didn't naturally feel like shying away) after a while and when he told me how much he loved me and really did care about having me as his wife, I actually felt it instead of just hearing the words, which was really nice.
I love that we have such an easy time just enjoying one another. We just sit for hours in the kitchen with coffee and talk. When we live together, we do this every day, and sometimes we end up in the kitchen for waaaaaay longer than we had planned because so much time goes by while we are just babbling to each other about stuff. It's very important to me that I have a partner like that, so that is never something that I will take for granted! I love being silly and making him laugh, and I think it's great after such a huge fight that It usually goes like this - There is one minute not sure if I even want to see him at all, then the next minute after I see his face and we say our awkward "Hello, how are you doing?"s, we just kind of instantly get back into it... It's pretty much always like that. I am really thankful for that and I hope that never changes.
THANK YOU, JESUS FOR GIVING ME A FORGIVING AND LOVING HEART JUST AS I HAVE BEEN PRAYING TO YOU FOR AND FOR HELPING ME LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE!
But this is one of the things that totally sucks about this addiction.
And why it feels to many, if not every single one of us, that we don't even know our husbands anymore - How could things be so great between you all the time, then he turn around and do something like this???!??! It might help to remind yourself that he probably remembers all of the good times, too. And he probably hates that things are shaky when he relapses or gets caught in a lie, too.
Also, thank you guys for reminding me to hand the trust back in small doses, instead of continuing to do what I have been doing in the past. I want to enjoy our reconnection after this last argument and I praise God for it! But I also don't want to make myself so vulnerable every time like I have been in the past. It's a hard balancing act.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 15:42:27 GMT -7
Praise God for a good day! There is hope!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2017 5:33:24 GMT -7
We've ended up spending the week together now, it's hard to be away from each other.
Praise God for filling our house up with LOVE!
We still have steps to take before he moves back in, I have learned from you ladies by my reading and reflecting on here that I need to not be so trusting so that I don't get completely emotionally devastated if he starts lying to me again about what he is doing online.
One step is to have someone that my husband talks to daily that I can contact at any time if I need to. He already has several people that he talks with (from church), but he needs one that he talks to daily, even if just for a minute or two.
Another is to get rid of this phone that he has with internet. I'm so sick of discussing this phone stuff! Arg. He is not resisting, we just need to figure it out. One thing at a time.
Right now, we are just enjoying each other's company and I am thankful that peace has been restored in my home!
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