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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 9:52:58 GMT -7
OMGOSH!!!! that was not nice! Thank goodness you asked them to leave... Really!! Prostate cancer... come on!!! Wow! They should mind their own buisness especially since they dont even live together themselves.. sounds like they gave up...
You know for like 28 years i tried everything i could do to have a good relationship with my In-laws.. they showed me their true colors early on in like my 1st year of marriage but i just ignored it and kept pushing on wanting a good family life. Finally in this last year or so.. I've had enough! No more! If they dont like me.. they can kiss my behind..Done trying to please people that just simply can not be please and are constant drama! I feel you kelly! I get it!
Keep staying strong kelly... Prayers...
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 13:33:54 GMT -7
Thanks, GHP. I appreciate your prayers and your support, and I hope things are ok with you. My mother-in-law apologized. I accepted, but I told her it's not appropriate for either my husband or me to discuss this with her or her husband. I told her what goes on in our marriage is between us and those we specifically enlist for help on this subject, and neither of us should be discussing this with her anymore. I just really needed to vent today. What a distorted, sinful, and destructive way to think of God's gift of sex, not to mention the inappropriateness of this entire conversation. No wonder my husband is backsliding. These are the attitudes and examples he's had his whole life. I do agree with her on one point: He is most likely too comfortable in his current situation. In my opinion, he should be living on his own, not with his mother. Then he'd have to take responsibility for his life. That's her problem, though. And these are his choices.
I would say I should not have even accepted her invitation for a heart to heart, but I want to be careful about blaming myself because I think I've had enough put on me, especially today. I told her I will not be pressured into living with my husband again. We BOTH need to be ready for that to happen. Even though that's the case, I obviously have not given up completely. Why else would I still be going to counseling with my husband, etc.?
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Post by ladystrong on May 23, 2017 19:11:06 GMT -7
Amen, sister. I was just going to say that we now know where he has gotten his thoughts from for 30+ years. Undoing all that junk is going to take time and a lot of effort on his part. Keep standing your ground in the Lord!
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 20:55:30 GMT -7
Once we finally got over the devistation... i think what people don't realize is it would be way easier to just give up and walk away .. especially after all the abuse we have all been dealing with from our husbands.. staying and fighting for our marriages no matter how we choose to do it or what that may look like is Far far harder then most people can ever imagine.. it takes strength that we didn't even know we had to continue to subject ourselves to the pain of all of this and try to find some shred of hope that our marriages will make it... Then when you get people butting in and stiring the pot Or working against all your hard work... makes me wanna pull my hair out and scream...
It was a gracious thing you accepting her apology... but i completely agree with you.. you gotta keep them at arms length because their advice is definitely toxic.. For you and your husband.. they plant a seed and its not a healthy one for him to see... Man thats frustrating!
On another note.. I'm doing so so.. thanks for asking!
Sending love my friend!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 19:42:02 GMT -7
Am I off base describing my emotional state as PTSD from the fallout of all this? My mood right now doesn't even have to do with my husband's current behavior. I just feel like all I've been through combined with moving and all the other daily crud in life has me in a very fragile state. It's hard to breathe and I feel like anyone could break me with a feather. And most people really dont undertstand or at least arent acting understanding. They act like they know I cant handle any more stress or process anything or deal with things right now, but could I process this or that and deal with it now anyway? How long until I have a complete nervous breakdown? This is common here, right?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 23:07:44 GMT -7
Kelly.. i totally think we have PTSD... i am in the same state you are in... This is funny but not funny.. so today i ordered a salad with grilled chicken breast and the put fried chicken on it instead... i got so overwhelmed i burst into tears!!!!!! Over a freaking salad...REALLY!!! i almost Couldn't believe myself. But thats how far gone i am and fragile... so i have been wondering myself if i have PTSD... I sure do hate to hear your feeling so upset.. but im right their with ya.. Sorry friend.. Hugs hugs hugs hugs PRAYERS...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2017 6:30:31 GMT -7
Thank you, GHP. I totally get the overreaction thing. A friend was being a little irrational yesterday, but instead of just calmly telling him that, i started screaming at the top of my lungs. Hugs to you too, my friend. Prayers too.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2017 10:53:58 GMT -7
I was actually diagnosed with PTSD. And yes what you described sounds a lot like it. You need to take a break hon. Unplug, get away from everyone and everything for a few hours and just bask in the presence of the Holy Spirit. It helps to do that. I have to all the time. I used to feel guilty about it but not anymore. I need the time to get sane again if I dont, I am a complete basket case. Emotional stress can really do a number on your mind and body.
So go pamper yourself! That's an order!
Hugs and prayers sweetie.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2017 13:41:20 GMT -7
My pat on the back for today: A depressed friend called me to talk about his problems. I told him I'm taking the weekend to heal, so I'll talk with him later, although I can't say when exactly because I don't know. It's kind of strange to look at that as an accomplishment, but I feel it's a big one. I absolutely cannot take on even one single thing right now. And I've honestly really enjoyed having my husband away on a camping trip this weekend. I know I'll need to deal with life eventually. Hope I'm ready when I need to do that.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2017 19:57:52 GMT -7
Good for you kelly... it's good to take care of yourself and your needs. Hugs...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2017 21:11:23 GMT -7
Hello, Kelly.
I am positive that I have PTSD from my experiences with my husband and his PA. After a few years, I have come to realize how much I have changed as a person. And I don't mean "We all change over time as we learn and grow" change. I mean a horrible change that gives me feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety, and a feeling of absolutely NO self-worth. I used to be so happy and confident.
It's a horrible realization when you sum up how much damage being married to an addict can cause in your mind and heart. It has been absolutely devastating for me to realize and accept how much this has changed my emotions and reactions, and simply put- ME.
The only way I get through is to pray to God to give me strength- Strength to continue loving and forgiving him while I continue to die inside, or strength to get him out of my life so I can get on with being happy and at peace. I ask God to please direct me in the right path regarding whether to stay married or not.
I ask Him to guide me and He ALWAYS puts whatever I need to know or see right in front of my face- I ask Him for these truths and revelations every day, almost nonstop whenever my mind wanders to my husband how much he has lied to me. Since my husband worked so hard to hide the truth, God has stepped in a billion times to illuminate me on what is really going on.
The fact that your husband's Mother thinks she has anything to do with whether or not you continue your marriage and how quickly this should happen is preposterous. Don't get me wrong- you can have a stable family including in-laws that can be supportive and really give you good advice when asked for, but this situation with his family seems so ridiculous. He sounds like your run-of-the-mill, typical man-child: crying to his mother about not getting what he wants right now, which is to have both you and his addiction at the same time. And they sound completely ignorant, uncaring, and godless. Don't let them get to you. (Good for you for telling her to leave!)
He's also more than likely lying to his parents about certain situations- what happened, what was said, what you did, what he did, etc. Most addicts rewrite their own history when the s**t hits the fan and other people see that their life is falling apart. This is often learned-behavior that develops in childhood and eventually develops into the personality type that you see before you. It is of course, also a large part of the addiction. While they certainly know that they are telling lies, they also DO believe their own lies- they believe that once the lie comes out of their mouth and they just stick to it, it will make it true. Just like a child. But horrifying to see in a grown man!
That's what my husband does. It's ridiculous. But I just tell myself "God was there, he knows EXACTLY what happened, and he knows BOTH of our hearts." I focus on not getting sidetracked by a liar telling more lies- what's the point? Progress cannot be made while someone is still in any stage of denial or lying.
Focus on YOU and your relationship with God. He will always give you WAY more than what your husband is denying you. And WAY better than your husband ever could.
Take all the time you need to heal. All the time you need and all the time you possibly can. You need it and deserve it.
Stay Strong
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 18:01:27 GMT -7
It's funny that being strong is really the opposite of what I want to do right now. I want my husband (and all people, really) to take care of me for a change. I'm so busy running around getting through each day and getting things that need to be done done, I really haven't been able to grieve.
Almost a year ago to the day, I found those first disgusting text messages my then fiance had with another woman. The man I thought I knew died that day. I married a man who has never seen fit to be faithful to me. Instead, for a year now, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to take any responsibility for his actions. He's been too wrapped up in himself to even notice the wife he's disregarded and trampled.
And I have to carry on through each day pretending that I'm okay. Well, I'm not. I'm not okay with how things have been. I'm not okay with having missed out on being a blissful newlywed. My brief marriage thus far has been Hell, and I will never get to change that or make up for it.
My husband and those closest to us have minimized very real and serious things that have happened. I shouldn't have to defend my feelings to others, especially my husband. I shouldn't have to convince others that I've suffered a trauma. They should have empathy for me. He should have empathy for me. He should be looking for ways to fill every minute of every day with ways to make this up to me.
Even those who tell me to just lean on God right now are minimizing this. I know God is the only one who can fulfill all my needs and completely heal me. But, I don't think I'm wrong for wanting human beings to show me compassion too; to care about my welfare for a change. Sigh.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 18:09:15 GMT -7
And thank you to everyone here because you do understand and are concerned for me. I deeply appreciate it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 19:47:24 GMT -7
Kelly are you my long lost twin? Because you wrote exactly how I feel so much of the time. Being strong all the time and being the caregiver can really suck. You stand there looking at everything and everyone around you and wonder how they would function if you weren't there or if you completely lost it.
While being strong isn't always fun, it is a blessing. Looking back at what I have survived and what I have overcome...a weaker person would not have made it. God knew I was going to need that strength and imbued it in me. It would still be nice to have someone take care of me for once.
That's a big reason as to why I need my alone time. To destress and unplug and take care of me since no one else will. Be sure you are taking time to do that for yourself Kelly. Pamper and care for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2017 20:20:29 GMT -7
Thanks, Amy. I do suppose being strong has its merit at times. As I wrote in another thread tonight, I liked that my husband came over tonight just to give me a hug, listen to me, and let me cry on his shoulder. Our counselor wants me to say the things I say about him to him. Happy he rose to the challenge tonight but also glad he left again so I can put my feet up. It may be D-Day for the nation today, but mine came on 6/12 and I'm gearing up for the emotional fallout from that. As for being your twin, it's possible. Were you born on the east coast in 1976? Hugs and lots of thanks, my friend.
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