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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2017 10:09:06 GMT -7
Well, I started out by explaining what happened with the lingerie incident and why I found it triggering even though, upon reflection, I thought his response to me on that occasion was worse than his actual intentions regarding the lingerie. Our counselor asked him if he understood that. He said yes. I reiterated that I have no problem with lingerie itself, but rather with him handing me these pictures of models wearing it. Again, he said he understood that. Our counselor then went over what an appropriate response from him might have been (like the one I mentioned above about "Oh gosh, I hadn't realized it would affect you like that, etc.). He again said, "I understand that." Then we leave the session, and I get a whole different reaction.
I emailed our counselor about that and said I would like to keep discussing this. Come to think of it, I don't think he ever did agree that it was wrong to show me something like that, although our counselor did suggest that perhaps I go buy the lingerie instead of him showing it to me, and he said he understood that too (the stated reason being that even though his intentions were innocent, I had a reaction to it that he should care about and it would be better not to expose himself to that kind of thing anyway). With regard to the issue following the counseling session, there were no actual women in the store, just mannequins.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on May 12, 2017 12:03:22 GMT -7
Hi Kelly,
I am so sorry to see you going through this. This makes me sad.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this a little. You note that there is a difference between looking at lingerie and looking at the women wearing them. I can accept that. But when your husband showed you pictures of women in lingerie, triggering was not the word that came to my mind.
That sounds more like trauma to me.
As a PA, I'm not altogether convinced that his intentions were innocent. Because as PAs, we can turn a lot of things into P. I can even turn The Price is Right into P. Viewing women in lingerie is not necessarily loss of sobriety from P, but it is clearly violating my boundaries. And it would most certainly lead to loss of my sobriety from lust. And for the record, lingerie is triggering to me, in and of itself. I don't need to see anybody in it. All the P I've acted out with is full of actresses wearing that stuff.
I can't help but ask why is he all comsumed with lingerie to begin with? Isn't he not eligible to move back home until July? Shouldn't he be more concerned about reestablishing love and trust in his marriage? Is he trying make you look like all the actresses that he MB to while viewing P? Is he trying to use sex with you as a platform to feed his addiction?
I'm sorry, Kelly. Those are just some of the red flags that I saw. At this point, I can't find a sense of brokenness in your husband. I hope your counselor can at least see this. And you deserve better. And you have a right to confront him on these issues. So good job on making your feelings known to him. And keep doing it, because it seems like he doesn't get it yet.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2017 12:56:06 GMT -7
Thanks. It does seem to go from one extreme to another. Our counselor advised me to tell my husband what I wrote her about all this, and I will. I still do witness a lot of changes for the better - things that were not there before. That said, this is a painstakingly slow process and he has long way to go. It's interesting to note that the things you said because i didnt know a lot of it. An honest perspective is what I'm looking for. July is what I'm thinking of as the soonest date I'd be comfortable living together again since that's when his full men's program starts. I can't disagree with anything you wrote. If I had to guess at his motive for even suggesting this sort of thing, though, I'd say it was based on my suggestion for him to put more thought into this kind of thing and get into it more with me as opposed to being sexually selfish and not caring so much about things like build up.
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2017 8:51:31 GMT -7
I agree with Kevin. What you have described, Kelly, has sent up some major red flags for me. Being more interested in lingerie and making fun of your response to his viewing it speaks volumes to him still being consumed with lust. Lust is not love. He has a long way to go. He is making progress but I would tell you to be Leary of opening the door fully on letting him back into your life just yet. I am even going to caution you about putting a date to letting him back into your home. Giving that much so soon may actually hinder his progress and could cause a set back.
You are in a tough spot hon. My prayers are with you.
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2017 1:23:48 GMT -7
There are so many things on so many levels that disturb me about my husbands' behavior. He has stopped using porn for 3 months straight now. He has not materbated in 2 months now. He said he never ever wants to go back to those things ever again. I believe him. I have not seen nor detected any type of ongoing active sex addiction. What I have experienced with him since he has been abstaint has been intimate anorexia. ( the byproduct of several things ) one thing being a male child of a controlling emotionally dependent mother and another thing being in active porn addiction for years and lastly not having his dad being a good role model. My husband does not know how to nuture and love and connect. This is the root of our issues now. I am only focusing on myself and have been for awhile now. I know that anything I "help" my husband with will backfire on me. My husband told me himself that as a wife I really cannot advise him on his issues . And I totally get that. It's no different than a wife trying to help a drug addicted husband in his recovery. The way I understand it is that when the addiction stops then ways to connect are to be practiced and new ideas are to be tried as far as nurturing. So although the addiction in my household has been arrested nothing different has happened as far as how things are. My husband went to intensive counseling and is suppose to initiate couples work with me to begin for us to build up our relationship. He has not initiated this. I brought this up once but he ignored it. It's called intimate anorexia and it is basically emotional deprivation / starvation to the spouse The spouse is the one who receives the most horrible treatment. I cannot believe that I am caught up in this terrible nightmare I have a deep belief in God and I desire god everyday of my life ..... the thing is I am concerning myself with myself because my husband can only be the one with God to reach out for help in areas he needs
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2017 7:51:50 GMT -7
Hugs, Goldie. I pray that God reveals all this to us and shows us what we need to forge ahead successfully. Destroy it, if that's what needs to happen. Bless it if it isn't.
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 16:45:24 GMT -7
Hugs.. Goldie..
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2017 14:08:36 GMT -7
What a horrible day. I asked God to destroy my marriage if that's what needs to happen, and it looks like that's what's happening. My husband was a complete jerk when we attempted to go out this morning. This is not what a broken and repentant man acts like. At least he finally told his mother the truth about how he's been treating me (or so he says since I wasn't there for that conversation).
It feels like last summer when I was wishing we weren't engaged so the clock wouldn't be ticking on any decisions I have to make. Now my house is up for sale and I need to buy a new place to live. I qualified for a new mortgage on my own, but the question is do I actually buy it on my own? It was supposed to be the first place we buy together and I would have more financial breathing room with him on the mortgage. And now now this all needs to happen quickly.
I'm actually not worried about him taking it from me or even a larger share than I'd like since he makes less money than I do and he couldn't afford his own mortgage, so he'd have to sell it to me or give it to me, since it's my money that's buying a new place (I'll let the cat out of the bag here a little and admit that I'm a lawyer with a family law practice, so the legal end of this is not actually all that concerning for me).
What I'm actually worried about is sharing a home with this man in any way. I don't want him to have the entitlement or ability to live with me when I don't want him to, and yet if and when we ever began living together again, I think it should be in a place we call OURS. Maybe I could draw up a contract addressing that, that we could go over and sign in our counseling. If he's not willing to do that, maybe that's a sign I should do this on my own. Thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2017 21:27:03 GMT -7
Hey kelly... Sorry things aren't going to well.. The contract idea is very smart... It sucks that it has to come to that but it lets him know your not joking around! Sitting abd spending time with God and talking to him about buying your new home with or without your husband.. might help also.. Your doing so good keeping your boundaries.. just keep praying and listen to your gut or your heart.. which ever works best for you... Hugs and prayers friend!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on May 20, 2017 23:32:53 GMT -7
Hi Kelly. Thanks for sharing. I don't trust that things are going in the right direction with your marriage either. What I have a problem with is that your husband is waiting until July to start the program he wants???!
I made the same excuse myself. Complaining that there was no SAA around when there actually was a meeting in my same town. And later,complaining that I couldn't make a meeting and BG wouldn't be enough for me. I guess I was being inflexible; wanting to do it my way instead of using the resources that God provided. There are plenty of programs out there that he can get started with right now. SAA,SA, SLAA, SCA, RU, CR. Many people, such as myself,rely solely on online resources, and we're actively working a program and growing. He needs to start now. Counseling is not enough. This is his life and marriage on the line, and I fear that if he continues to wait until July it will just be too late.
I'm sorry that you have been put in this situation, Kelly. Although, his response is pretty typical. You'll get through this. God cares for you,and He'll be there. Stay strong. You got this!
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2017 10:30:09 GMT -7
I would urge you to buy the place yourself and then if things work out between you two add him to the title and write up a contract which addresses the issue of what happens if you end up divorcing.
I agree with Kevin. There are many online resources and programs plus phone meetings that husband could be utilizing until the other program starts in July.
Hugs, prayers and love hon.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2017 18:18:50 GMT -7
Thanks, guys. He actually agreed to contract terms (like a pre-nup, although we're already married) whereby he'd have to leave if x, y, or z, happened, etc. Good thing too because my house just went under contract and I'm bidding on a new place tomorrow morning, which is also my 41st birthday. Never a dull moment. He will not be moving in until I'm darn good and ready, if I ever am. God will provide all things. It really is less about what will happen if we divorce (believe me, I have that path figured out and have been there before) than about my need for immediate safety. I don't want to feel like I must share a space with someone who is hurting me.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 6:20:23 GMT -7
Holy gosh, my mother-in-law wants to come over to talk with me today presumably about why she thinks her son should be living with me instead of her. I'm not convinced I should even allow this conversation to happen. The fact that he is not living with me is very much due to his choices, not mine. He's lucky I haven't called it quits altogether. God, give me strength.
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Post by ladystrong on May 23, 2017 8:24:09 GMT -7
Praying for you, Kelly.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 8:43:20 GMT -7
Thank you. That was an absolutely hideous conversation. My in-laws (who in fact don't even live with each other and haven't since the 80s - It took me the longest time to figure that relationship out. Basically, they are a long-time married couple who don't live together.) are pressuring me to take my husband back right now, but neither of us are ready. My mother-in-law actually told me if I'm not ready to take him back then maybe I should just get divorced because it seems that I've given up. She and her husband have these horrible ideas that men need an outlet for sex that needs to come from somewhere or else they get prostate cancer. She said that in a marriage, spouses have each other for sex, but where that's not happening, MB is okay because men need a release for their health. I told her to leave.
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