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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 19:34:34 GMT -7
My husband and I had our Bible class together tonight and I asked if he wanted to get some things he had been asking for from my house after class. So he stops in for his things then tells me I (meaning me) don't want to live with him anymore since I haven't taken him back yet. I tell him I do, but we need to be slow about this because I want to make sure that when he does move back in, that it's a permanent move to a better situation.
I have told him clearly on many occasions that I want to see him working an actual program (which he wants to do, but can't until July when the program he wants starts a new cycle - right now he's going to weekly individual counseling without a group) among other things we have discussed. He said "You mean I won't be able to move back in until July?" I said Yes! At least! I told him that i have repeatedly said this process would be slow and that I need his patience because it could take a very long time, He has said he would be patient, so I expect him to live up to that. He remarked that that it's really unfair to make him wait that long.
To his credit, he retracted that statement after I had my say in response to it. I do still see a change in him for the better, but for goodness' sake, it's only been about 2 weeks since I started seeing some true repentance. And then I reminded him that it would have been a good step in the right direction for him to give me a good hug and tenderly say "I'll work on this for as long as it takes" or something with equal tenderness. Ayeyeye, I just needed to vent a little and pat myself on the back a bit. Glad I can do that here.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 7:07:32 GMT -7
Kelly you are so strong in the face of the quick fix that is offered. I am glad you are staying grounded and going slow. Keep working toward the truth of what God offers. It's slow but worth the time and effort. Hugs and prayers hon.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 9:06:38 GMT -7
Way to go kelly... that was hard im sure but awesome to see you handle it so well.. Hugs..
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 12:55:30 GMT -7
My husband had a little slip today, but he told me about it before I even suspected anything bad. I think that's progress.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 16:48:55 GMT -7
Slips or, as I like to them, stumbles are common especially in the early stages of an addict's journey. It is a big step for him to admit it to you without you having to confront him. Go hubby!
I will continue to keep you both in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2017 19:25:46 GMT -7
Just when I think things are getting better, my hubby hands me his phone and says "Here, I'd like you to wear this. It's only $5.99." Then I look at his phone and it's a bunch of models in sexy lingerie. The lingerie, I could be ok with. The models with it on, I am absolutetky not. If that weren't enough, he lays a guilt trip on me about how it's lingerie for me and "I guess you're (I'm) not interested in making our sex life better." I hope he's happy at his mother's house because that's where he's staying.
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2017 21:15:57 GMT -7
I guess so. You raise a good point. I'm now far enough removed from this incident to be laughing a little. The most insane part of this whole experience (with PA) for me has always been how it has me doubting my own sanity. This may have been simply a trigger for me, espcially since he showed it right to me instead of hiding it. Even if he meant nothing more by it than what he said, I wonder how he expected me to feel being handed a picture with a bunch of women posing seductively in things like that (a big part of our history involved women who got my husband's attention on social media). I have absolutely no problem with the merchandise, just how it was packaged. It also didn't help matters that he kept insisting it was innocent, which he did A LOT when things were definitely NOT innocent. He said "You think something like this would turn me on? It's for us! These pictures are kid stuff next to what I used to look at. You know! You've caught me with it! I guess the question still remains, though. Am I crazy?
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2017 21:46:55 GMT -7
Yep it does drive us insane ( for real ) gas lighting - saying things are innocent when we know that we know in the pit of our gut that it's not. And also what the real abuse is ( for me ) is the non chalant way that these men are about the whole situation .... I can only speak for myself .... my husband is so lax about it all when this is a very serious issue but most importantly considering the extreme deep amount of pain it has caused us and yet almost what seems like scacasim or mockery or lack of respect or honor. I am with you Kelly! I understand where your coming from. My husband has acted innocent too when he's pretty darn smart and honestly with sex addiction / and intimate anorexia what happens is that my husband will make great efforts to be kind and lioving ( on a real surface level ) then all of the sudden do something in appropriate or rude or uncaring to distance himself from me. I am giving him a chance now for 90 days to show total progress and if it's not there I am leaving him. Period I think we should all work on our marriages and I am not for divorce however it's abuse and my husband knows exactly exactly what he is doing and I am not staying here with it anymore should he not get better I am doing my part so why can't he? He went to chirstain counseling center for a few days and knows the tools to use. I know a few days at a treatment center is not a lot however he has known for 15 years what he does hurts me. And he has admitted to lots of things ( not all ) and this hurts me too. Knowing he has not come totally clean. I am not messing around with this anymore. I would rather be single than married to a man who is emotionally abusuve towards me. Each time we even begin to barly even try to start to make a connection he pulls a "stunt" ether by not keeping his word or doing something that on the surface looks innocent yet knowing full well the deep pain it inflicts on me. My husband's counselor told him it stems way back to childhood having to do with his relationship with his mother. And he carried these same patterns into his marriage. I have worked my fingersvto the bone clearing away my baggage, and I have gone above and beyond for years carrying this marriage. All the while being subjected to misery and pain. Honestly I am very happy in my heart. No one can take away the new joy that is within me - I have fought an all out war with Satan and I stay as much in contact with my God as I possibly can on a daily basis .... I have prayed and waited for the answers. I have revived the answer from God which is let go. I have let go. My husband is on his own to find his way and allow God to pull him up. I will end up losing myself again and truly ( for real ) go insane and that's not what will happen I will leave. Should my husband not put forth the real true effort needed for himself. Yes God shows us the path to take ... it's up to us to take it. God has shown my husband the path to take and so far he has not taken it. I plan on leaving him in 90 days should he not show at least some steady progress soon
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 5:15:02 GMT -7
What did Mike say about triggers? I lent my book to a friend.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 9:43:04 GMT -7
Those images are triggers. Women dressing provocatively in pictures or real life are triggers and will continue to be triggers for a very long time. Ask yourself this: how many images did he look at before choosing one to show you? How did he handle the triggering? Here is a snippet from Mike's book that deals with the heart of the issue which is not triggers but trust. Trust
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on May 6, 2017 10:14:09 GMT -7
Just when I think things are getting better, my hubby hands me his phone and says "Here, I'd like you to wear this. It's only $5.99." Then I look at his phone and it's a bunch of models in sexy lingerie. The lingerie, I could be ok with. The models with it on, I am absolutetky not. If that weren't enough, he lays a guilt trip on me about how it's lingerie for me and "I guess you're (I'm) not interested in making our sex life better." I hope he's happy at his mother's house because that's where he's staying. It's bad enough if I show something I want to get for my wife bragging about how cheap it is. Like my wife isn't worth more than $5.99? But to show off a picture of a lingerie model to my wife? That's real smooth! Not! My wife gets a Victoria Secret catalog in the mail every so often. So I learned that it's just best for me not to get the mail. It doesn't matter if I don't look at it. I just don't want to put my wife or myself in that painful situation of allowing myself the opportunity. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this ladies. It goes to show that PAs have a lot more issues to deal with than stopping the P. And I honestly felt that all of you shared something valuable. I couldn't disagree with anything that was mentioned. You are beautiful enough. You're are good enough. What's happening here is not your fault. I see it. Hoping that these husbands will see it too.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 10:27:58 GMT -7
Thank you, Kevin! I have to laugh a little and say in my husband's defense that he probably tbought he was doing a good thing with the thriftiness since money has been an issue for us while we get my house ready for sale. The goal is to get a new place that eventually would be ours instead of mine (since I've lived in my current house for 14 years).
I am happy to report that my husband is doing much of what Mike talked about regarding trust. He, at least, did not yell at me or freak out in attempts to defend himself like he used to. He did defend himself, mind you, and I think his response to me could and should be a lot more empathic. But I guess those are things that happen with time. I feel like the perfect response (Which might be above my husband's capacity at this time) would have been something like "Oh gosh, I can see why you'd be bothered. I honestly didn't think about that. I did only want to suggest something fun for us, though." We have almost 2 solid years of lies to make up for. I did, however, tell him that I at least now believe his intentions were good and I'm happy he thought of something fun for us. I think we should discuss the rest this week in our counseling session.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 14:47:40 GMT -7
Kelly it really is a journey. If you are seeing improvement, then take heart and keep working toward your goals as an individual and as a couple. It takes many years usually for an addict to see with unfettered eyes. Stay strong hon.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2017 7:41:33 GMT -7
My gosh, this is a slow journey. We did discuss the whole lingerie issue at yesterday's counseling session and my husband said he understood why this bothered me, which is that it was the act of him handing me these pictures that bothered me, not the pictures in and of themselves. Then, when we left there, we went to a cafe in a nearby shopping center where we passed by a lingerie store with mannequins in lingerie on display. He then yelled "Honey, look away because there are models in lingerie right there."
I seriously wonder if he was either making fun of me or if he really is that clueless. Again, I repeated that I don't need to look away. He does, but arguably only if there had been human models sporting the lingerie instead of mannequins. In any event, it really does not appear that he has any insight into this issue.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on May 12, 2017 9:09:41 GMT -7
You know, Kelly, I actually found his response in the counseling session to be a little off.
Was that his actual response? That he shouldn't have showed you what he was viewing?
And from his reaction at the mall, I'm getting the picture that your husband thinks it's okay for him to check out other women. As long as you don't see what he's looking at.
How did he respond when you challenged him to look away?
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