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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2017 18:36:24 GMT -7
Kelly I hate being right in this case. I would have loved it had you proved me wrong. I am sorry hon. I am glad your pastor is supportive in this. He is right to limit your time with your husband. I pray your husband comes to his senses soon and realizes how much this sin is destroying his life.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2017 19:28:37 GMT -7
I hope and pray so. For my own healing, I finally bought Mike's book for wives. It helps tremendously to simply not feel crazy or forced into trusting him prematurely again. I felt good about holding this boundary, too. And I absolutely love our biblical counselor, who gently and skillfully backed me up with all of this. We'll go back weekly, but I am otherwise not seeing my husband anymore.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 14:27:32 GMT -7
I just found out that my husband is still looking up porn. I caught him red-handed, and he still insisted on his innocence. I am done. This separation just became permanent. If anyone has kind words for me, I sure can use them now.
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 11, 2017 16:06:19 GMT -7
You're right to hold your boundaries. Keep seeking the Lord for healing, He's all you need right now. Keep praying for him, even if you don't feel like it. That's probably the main way you can support him at this point. God has to convict him, which might mean some crazy stuff has to happen to him first.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 0:57:38 GMT -7
He told me tonight that he is now 100% broken over this and that he never was before. He said he installed an additional porn blocker on his phone (the one I use confirmed that), said he'd do the full program for men I've been asking him to do, and told me the reason he'd been telling me he didn't want to come home before was because he hadn't given up the porn, which he wants to do now. He told me he wants to be fully accountable to God, to me, and his accountability partner. This is just about everything I have prayed for. There's only one catch. I can't trust this man, so I don't believe him.
True, this confession is different than the ones he's given before, but I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed by this man. I can't think of even one single redeeming quality he has demonstrated as my husband. This is why I had such a hard time with spiritual warfare last summer leading up to our wedding. It wasn't God's will for me to marry someone in active addiction. That's why I had no peace about it. I feel a peace now, though.
Unbeknownst to my husband, I still harbor hopes that we will work out, but it's the right thing for him to be gone and I'm not telling him I have any such desire for us to work out now. God is answering my prayers. I am getting my house ready for sale and I'll be getting a condo when it does. That feels right. I am physically disabled and I need a place I don't need my husband's help with maintaining (not that he has helped me so far anyway). This will give me a smaller mortgage and the money I need to straighten out my finances. That's a huge answer to prayer.
Another answered prayer is that I now believe my mother is saved and I have a renewed relationship with her like I haven't had in years. You're right that I don't feel like praying for my husband, but I will. I'm also praying for my own strength to let go here. I told my husband God respects free will, and so do I. It's too bad he hasn't chosen me. It hasnt been enough of a wakeup call that he's a grown man who now lives with his mother instead of his wife. I've asked him to come clean with me finally (which I've asked him to do because I think I need to hear it) and take full responsibility for everything he's done, including his efforts to make me feel crazy. Even after that, though, I won't be able to trust him or feel our future is secure. It's in God's hands.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 7:25:18 GMT -7
Kelly... im sorry to hear your pain. My husband has come to lots of moments of clarity and honestly over the years. I start to feel like finally qe can rebuild from the ground up and things go good for a long while.. sometimes months almost a year and the BOOM when i least expect it i catch him looking at porn or MB or even checking out women in public. I'm loke you i honestly dont think i can ever really trust my husband again. Mine refuses to put a porn blocker on his phone. We has one on amd he treated me horrible.. it was abuse.. thats the only word for it! So because i was being emotionally driven insane and i was getting physically ill and mentally abused i finally caved in and told him do what he wants ... remove it if thats what he wants.. clearly he wanted that more than me... but from Feb 2nd (the day he removed it) till now he has seemed to do a 360. Claiming that he hasent looked at porn, youtube, movies on hulu, not MB or anything but!!! Looking at SI (sports illustrated) sometimes and that has even stopped.. or so it seems! But the reality of my truth is it could all be a lie for all i know. I have no real proof or a report to verify his words so he makes it pretty impossible to believe. I feel his new behavior will go on for a while and then he will fall right back into his life of sexual sin again because recently we were at a mall and i caught him glancing at a 20 something womans crotch in short shorts and yesterday he checked a womans butt... so i feel no matter how good i am to him, how much i forgive him, how hard i try and work on my physical appearance, how much i offer myself to him sexually, how much i pray for him. He is never gonna change unless he really wants to. He has to want to be a good God fearing husband to me and if he keeps choosing this life of sin then he clearly does not want to be a good husband to me. We have read the books together, mikes couples work book and he us reading the 100 day devotional daily now. So he cant say that he doesn't know what is expected of him because he does. He knows what kind of husband God calls him to be. I have read mikes book for wives and it basically soells it out in black and white what needs to happen to truely repair a marriage and to learn to trust again and he just says he needs to take baby steps...
You are atleast doing the right thing and forcing him to stick to you boundaries. That is something i wish i would have done long ago. Maybe your husband will get it and will really make a change. I just know for me..with smart phones and everything is so easily accessible. I just feel trusting a man is gonna be very hard.
I was sitting at a stop yesterday and saw a man with a wedding ring on in this truck looking on his phone at a dating site. Swiping women left and right.. so i just dont know how marriage are gonna work with the temptation so great and with incognito mode on phones so wives can never see what their husbands are doing!
When i bring up an insecure feeling. Because my gut usually doesn't lie. He gets pissed if i ask him and look to him for reassurance. He acts like he is shocked i would ask him what he is up to and then ask him if he is lying ... like im the horrible wife because i cant trust my husband.
I'm tired if feeling week and broken. I just want to feel like i have someone that truly has my back and wont try and hurt me or tear me down. I thought i had that in the man i took vows with... i was wrong and the pain is devastating still!
Hugs Kelly.. i pray your husband is finally comming clean being honest so you can let you walks down and build from the ground up... Dear God i pray please please give him the strength to beat this... Hugs, love and prayers my friend!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 7:51:14 GMT -7
I hope that didnt sound to negative.. im sorry i didnt mean for it to.. i think i have been in my feeling and emotional the last 2 days.. cant really figure out why and that alwats scares me. Im always waiting for the bottom to fall out!
You are a brave and strong woman.. God is with you and you know in your heart and gut what you need to do. Keep your head up. Hugs my friend!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 10:32:49 GMT -7
Kelly I am glad you are taking steps to become more financially stable. That will ease some of your stress.
I would be very slow to trust your husband. He has to earn your trust back. Make him work for it.he needs to show by action and deeds over a long period of time that he has changed. I also think he needs to come clean with his mother about his treatment of you. But don't ask for that from him...Just look for it as a sign he is changing.
Praise the Lord that you and your mom are working towards a better, stronger relationship! That is great news!
Hugs hon.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 10:36:58 GMT -7
Kelly... im sorry to hear your pain. My husband has come to lots of moments of clarity and honestly over the years. I start to feel like finally qe can rebuild from the ground up and things go good for a long while.. sometimes months almost a year and the BOOM when i least expect it i catch him looking at porn or MB or even checking out women in public. I'm loke you i honestly dont think i can ever really trust my husband again. Mine refuses to put a porn blocker on his phone. We has one on amd he treated me horrible.. it was abuse.. thats the only word for it! So because i was being emotionally driven insane and i was getting physically ill and mentally abused i finally caved in and told him do what he wants ... remove it if thats what he wants.. clearly he wanted that more than me... but from Feb 2nd (the day he removed it) till now he has seemed to do a 360. Claiming that he hasent looked at porn, youtube, movies on hulu, not MB or anything but!!! Looking at SI (sports illustrated) sometimes and that has even stopped.. or so it seems! But the reality of my truth is it could all be a lie for all i know. I have no real proof or a report to verify his words so he makes it pretty impossible to believe. I feel his new behavior will go on for a while and then he will fall right back into his life of sexual sin again because recently we were at a mall and i caught him glancing at a 20 something womans crotch in short shorts and yesterday he checked a womans butt... so i feel no matter how good i am to him, how much i forgive him, how hard i try and work on my physical appearance, how much i offer myself to him sexually, how much i pray for him. He is never gonna change unless he really wants to. He has to want to be a good God fearing husband to me and if he keeps choosing this life of sin then he clearly does not want to be a good husband to me. We have read the books together, mikes couples work book and he us reading the 100 day devotional daily now. So he cant say that he doesn't know what is expected of him because he does. He knows what kind of husband God calls him to be. I have read mikes book for wives and it basically soells it out in black and white what needs to happen to truely repair a marriage and to learn to trust again and he just says he needs to take baby steps... You are atleast doing the right thing and forcing him to stick to you boundaries. That is something i wish i would have done long ago. Maybe your husband will get it and will really make a change. I just know for me..with smart phones and everything is so easily accessible. I just feel trusting a man is gonna be very hard. I was sitting at a stop yesterday and saw a man with a wedding ring on in this truck looking on his phone at a dating site. Swiping women left and right.. so i just dont know how marriage are gonna work with the temptation so great and with incognito mode on phones so wives can never see what their husbands are doing! When i bring up an insecure feeling. Because my gut usually doesn't lie. He gets pissed if i ask him and look to him for reassurance. He acts like he is shocked i would ask him what he is up to and then ask him if he is lying ... like im the horrible wife because i cant trust my husband. I'm tired if feeling week and broken. I just want to feel like i have someone that truly has my back and wont try and hurt me or tear me down. I thought i had that in the man i took vows with... i was wrong and the pain is devastating still! Hugs Kelly.. i pray your husband is finally comming clean being honest so you can let you walks down and build from the ground up... Dear God i pray please please give him the strength to beat this... Hugs, love and prayers my friend! GHP hugs and prayers coming your way! I want to address the bolded text. We all know this but sometimes we need to be reminded...So this is me reminding you. You do have someone in your life that has your back and won't hurt you. Our Father is right there with you hon. He is the only one that can fulfill those needs.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 12:19:41 GMT -7
Thank you, ladies. It helps so much to have this safe place to talk about these things and get support for what I'm (we're) going through. GHP, I always love your comments. You have a gentle heart after God and your input is always helpful, not hurtful. Same goes for you, Amy. You are a barometer of truth for me, which I need. I know I'm leaving a bunch of amazing ladies out of specific mention, but every one of you gives valuable and much-needed comments. This is so hard. I keep getting to the point where I think I'm ok only to have the wind knocked out of me time and time again. Today, I'm just repeating "God is with me and will get me through this" over and over in my head while trying my hardest to be gentle with myself. What each of us has gone through/is going through is nothing short of abuse.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2017 8:22:58 GMT -7
Our couples counselor made some good suggestions last night. She told my husband some firm things, but also suggested that neither of us let other people gossip about each other. She's got a good point. She said our marriage is sacred, and when we talk to other people about each other, we should be defending each other instead of listening to a bunch of demeaning talk and feeding into it (mostly from friends and relatives). I think we both have contributed to that in the past. So, while I reserve the right to vent, I will work on this. My ultimate goal is to be able to talk to my husband when needed. As for rebuilding trust, glad I have Mike's book because I honestly don't know where to start. It will take a long time for me to trust my husband again if I ever do.
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 14, 2017 9:43:20 GMT -7
I agree with the gossip element. I tried my best to keep my husband's name clean amongst people who were not privy to our deeper issues. I could work on that area as well though. After the disclosure I was venting to many women I felt I could trust. I still feel like I can trust them with our issues. But, i was disappointed when my mom told my sister. She was not someone I wanted to know about this. Thankfully it stopped there before going on to her significant other who has a hard time keeping things private.
I hear you on the trust issue. Since my husband's affair was two years ago without my knowledge, it's put me in a strange spot. I know he has changed and sometimes I am able to feel like I can give more trust but the video tapes keep replaying and make me retract in fear. I am just asking God to hold my hand and help me to have a moldable and soft heart through all of this. I don't want to live in fear, bitterness, or anger. I so need God to help me. I cry out to Him everyday. Some days are filled with hope and smiles and sunshine and other days are filled with fear. It's exhausting but I know God hasn't left me, my husband, or our marriage. "What God has brought together let no man separate." I cling to His promises and wait for him to heal me and our marriage fully.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2017 15:07:42 GMT -7
It is very hard not to go to far when venting. This site helps with that in that you get to write out what you are feeling and thinking anonymously and you can read and edit before it is put out there.
You have a good counselor.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2017 22:12:08 GMT -7
Excerpts from an intimate anorexia blog : Woman take note:
A child whose parents displayed little connection may grow up simply to copy their behaviour patterns; ‘The intimacy anorexic already knows how the spouse wants to be loved,’ says Dr Weiss, ‘Otherwise they’d never have managed to get hitched in the first place.’ According to Weiss, the most damaging about this form of addiction is that the effect on the partner is worse than on the addict themselves. ‘The spouse suffers tremendously — they often gain weight, they lose their self-esteem and they become depressed.’ Furthermore, some spouses adapt to become intimacy anorexic themselves.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2017 14:12:35 GMT -7
Interesting
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