KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 31, 2017 12:38:23 GMT -7
Hi Will, nice to see you again. I really like some of the things you have to say. I do believe that God will see you through this. You can do this. 7 days, eh? Praise God! Maybe it's nine now that it's 2 days later.☺ Let's go for another sober day. You got this! PS. A few months ago, you asked what kind of phone I use. Well, here it is! It's a Chinese model called an Aeku M5. Good luck going online with this! Lol!
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Post by Will on Jun 2, 2017 23:18:44 GMT -7
Ha ha, thanks man! Yep that looks pretty good for keeping off the net!
Well an update from me, still clean or at least abstaining from porn, 14 days now, pretty stoked.
Am finding that it is more profitable for me to think of it in terms of 'in this Spiritual battle that is the purpose of my life now (striving daily for Jesus Christ's spiritual Kingdom of Love), I want to beat my top score and continue onwards on the path towards righteousness and sanctification'
instead of:
'wow, maybe I've finally beaten this thing now and can put it behind me once and for all! This is the turning point!'
That always seems to be a false dawn leading to a crash, maybe it is allowing the condemnation of the law back in? Like beginning to rely on performance not Christ. Instead of focusing on the Spirit. Not sure.
However, it has not all been great. The devil has found a couple of other routes to attack my by: 1) nocturnal emissions. Sorry to talk about such things but I want to be Truthful. Was invited to a party that was last night by an ex-work colleague, and I expected to see there another ex-work colleague, a recently married woman with whom I had a lot of chemistry when we worked together, and am very fond of. Two nights ago (the night before the night before the party), I had a sex dream about her! It was really awful, in that in the dream there was an opportunity for me not to and I weakened and did anyway, even with full awareness that she was married. Then her husband came in and said he was going to hit me. Then I woke up.
Although I can rationalise it and say to myself, 'well, the main goal right now is to remain Faithful in my conscious life and stay away from waking sin', it's still a tough hit to take and screws with my head quite a bit.
2) Returning back to some old ways. This one I don't feel is so bad, but still not great. I went to the party, because wanted to support my friend and see others who I really like and haven't seen for ages. But the scene of alcohol-fuelled house parties is one that I generally keep away from now and am pretty over and disgusted by now, and it doesn't feel great having gone there and drunk alcahol. God blessed me in that the woman was not there after all! (Would have been super weird if her and her husband were there). I don't think I will go to another of these kinds of events. It really doesn't interest me any of the music and drinking any more (I don't mind 1 or 2 beers socially). None of the people there are anywhere near being Christians! Except for maybe a few very nominal Roman Catholics - like they got married in a Church, etc.
But one issue I find with my Christian walk is loneliness. I am building some good friendships with Christians now finally, thank God, even some near my own age (through a Gospel-mission food outreach Ministry), but in general many of the people I'm closest to in this City I only get to see or spend time with generally by making these kinds of compromises with wicked worldliness. My friend who invited me for instance, we left after the party with another guy to walk to a late opening bar/club for a couple more drinks - and it basically turned out to be a gay bar!! Lots of lost people in there looking for validation and love in the wrong place and being deceived and manipulated by the devil - very sad. Well we had a couple of drinks and then went home. It wasn't such a terrible night (compared to those I used to have). I didn't get drunk and got to spend time with friends. However it still grieves me to have been exposed to that lame worldly culture that I used to be a part of so much, in particular the evil music! (one of the enemy's chief weapons) And I can't help but feel that the whole thing is part of an attack because he has lost his influence over me in things like movies.
Ah well, guess it was always going to be a rocky road. The Holy Spirit is stronger and the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth has already defeated such worldliness. I'm thankful that I don't have to be any where near that kind of thing any time soon and don't intend to be.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2017 15:31:49 GMT -7
Have you considered maybe hosting your own dinner/party? You could invite your new friends, keep it booze free and play good music.
Sometimes God let's you dunk yourself back into your old life just so you can see how much you have changed.
Are you praying over your dreams before you sleep? I found that to be the tool I needed when I was in your situation. It worked well.
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Post by Will on Jun 3, 2017 18:55:06 GMT -7
Hey Amy,
yep pray most nights and did pray that night also. It usually does work well but I guess not always. The dinner party thing, well I think that may still be a bit of a stretch at the moment. Still have a bit of social anxiety and would be somewhat difficult. But might invite some Christian friends over some time if the Lord leads.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2017 17:51:53 GMT -7
Yeah social anxiety and intimacy anorexia seem to be a common thing among PAs. I have really had to work on getting out among people without having a nervous breakdown. Especially in the beginning it was extremely difficult. Now I don't mind it as long as it isn't huge gatherings and I still need time to be a hermit.
I am praying for you.
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Post by Will on Jun 8, 2017 0:49:17 GMT -7
Thanks Amy! Yes I think you're right. Especially the intimacy thing - so true.
Well unfortunately following that whole stream of events I stumbled on Sunday and ended up watching porn for about 2 hrs.
Very frustrated with myself as it was absolutely out of nowhwere and could easily have been avoided. There was just a gap of a few hours in my day that I did not have plans for and during that time the devil tricked me into a well of despair and loneliness that was not real but seemed like it was at the time.
At least I was able to bat the temptation away yesterday, when some difficult to deal with images popped up while I was looking at eating places in Seattle. There was a time when I would have used that as an excuse and said 'hey, I wasn't even looking for it, not my fault!'
Just had a wonderful Bible Study and fellowship where was advised to 'give it to the Lord', being completely honest and open with Him.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 8, 2017 7:25:49 GMT -7
Hey will, thanks for checking in. Sorry to hear about your slip. It could have been worse. At least it wasn't a month long binge. You bounced back. And now your at 4 days now. Yeah! Let's go for another. One day at a time.
I can relate to the idea of feeling I've got this under control now. After experiencing sobriety, it's easy for me to get complacent.
But my mind is really messed up. If I don't plug into my support system every day. And if I don't take care of myself. And if I stop doing recovery for one single day, my mind will lead be back to porn and masturbation and to wet dreams. And I have to maintain pretty tight boundaries. Going into a bar or night club is a clear violation of my middle circle.
Keep working on making new friends. Ones that support your recovery. I found mine through 12 step meetings and church and online. You can do this Will. Don't give up hope. You'll see that all the Lord is working on in your life will all be worth it. Bless you brother.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2017 18:38:41 GMT -7
Try not to dwell on your stumbling. Just get back in the fight and continue on. Learn from what happened and put a boundary in place for yourself if you need to. Stay vigilant. Kevin is right that complacency leads you right back to where you don't want to be.
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Post by Will on Jun 11, 2017 10:47:04 GMT -7
Hey guys, thanks so much for your support, really appreciate it. Yep Kevin the upside of that happening is that it has really shocked me seeing how spiritually damaging just going out into that environment was that night. It has really galvanised me that I absolutely am not interested in doing that any more, and I can no longer rationalise it by 'touristing' back into my old worldly mentality of 'hey its normal, everybody goes to house parties and has a few drinks'. Well not me any more! I'm over it thank God
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Post by Will on Jun 12, 2017 1:54:26 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2017 9:37:32 GMT -7
I will give this a listen since I will be staying close to home today.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2017 11:20:51 GMT -7
This is a very good channel. I have listened to 3 so far. You should link this in the SSA forum and the helpful resources section.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 12, 2017 13:30:09 GMT -7
I like Pure Passion a lot. I've been developing a daily habit of listening to these things and it gives me a tremendous boost in my recovery. There's no shortage of material is there? Good stuff you're listening to will. It really does help! Stay strong and sober. And God bless you.
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Post by Will on Jun 16, 2017 21:52:37 GMT -7
Hi guys,
thanks Kevinskay, yes I love it too!
Well I stumbled again on Tuesday. Not 'badly' I guess, not with porn or masturbation but with inappropriate videos on youtube.
Because of this I started out telling myself 'hey, does that count? I don't need to reset my sobriety date for that do I?
But of course that is not correct. It was movies again, I stupidly decided to put one on. When will I learn!!
Last 3 days have been good though. Thank God for that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2017 22:54:20 GMT -7
You got this Will.. you can do it.. hang in their! It's awesome how honest you are. Prayers...
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