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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 21:59:51 GMT -7
So the last couple days have had me seriously craving to masterbate or watch porn, sadly, I let my guard down and I messed up, *sigh*. I know that recovery won't come immediately, but I still seem to get really disappointed when I fail, especially when before I fail, I pray to God saying that I'll try my best. Can you all just keep me in your prayers? I just gotta trust in God and keep praying! I remain optimistic
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2016 22:51:54 GMT -7
Also, I am going to attempt to stay off internet, television, movies, and even video games for about 7 days and see if I notice any difference, mainly with my temptation to give in to the addiction.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 7:47:33 GMT -7
Noah I am glad you are setting your own boundaries. Do not be surprised when you are tempted even more during your internet sabbatical. That is how the devil works. When I gave up the internet the urges came stronger. The thing is that you have to persevere through them and how I did that was by running away from them toward God and toward my accountability partners. I fell many times but each time I got up and continued on. What you don't see during the battle is how you get stronger every time you get back up and continue the fight. This is a war and each battle makes us stronger. So don't give up and don't wallow in the muck when you fall.
Praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 22:21:05 GMT -7
I am keeping you in my prayers, Noah. You got this and when you don't, God does!
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2016 4:24:03 GMT -7
Hi Noah. It would be good if you had an internet filter or blocker and an accountability partner. I know it's hard to tell others but the key to recovery is telling others and accountability. I have found it's much easier to stay sober when you have to be accountable face to face rather than behind a screen. Have you watched the Great Porn Experiment on You tube- Ted talks? It will help to understand what porn does to your brain.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2017 20:27:01 GMT -7
Wow. I haven't been on in a while. I'll just give a short summary of what happened the past few months...
After ditching BG, I gave up on my recover because I didn't want to tell anyone about my addiction, and I failed too many times to count. Then after shaking my head and waking up from my sinful trance, I gathered up what courage I had left and told a couple of my friends.
The relief was amazing but I still fell into my masterbation and porn watching habits, so after some urging from a friend to tell my parents about my addiction, I finally relented and told my parents.
They helped out a lot; setting internet filters and getting me some more help. So far things have been good...
This week has been okay. For a couple days I would be okay, trying my hardest to refuse to masterbate or watch porn, but then I failed (surprise surprise!) When I noticed that the internet filters were down for some odd reason. I know that I needed to get back up immediately, or else I would fall into weeks of failure, and I did...For a while.
I was okay again for 3 days. I steered away from anything that triggered me and I kept my mind on other things, like studying the Bible. But then I slipped up today after putting myself in a stupid position. I really shouldve known not to leave myself alone when I had been struggling the whole day. God has really been leading me to find a good accountability partner, but no luck yet. Please pray for me to find one soon.
Thanks guys and God bless! Noah
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2017 21:26:39 GMT -7
One more thing I might add; I will try to update this thread every three or so days, or if I have succumbed to my temptations. Since I am already here, I'll just give a brief update on my day so far. So last night I felt weak and I put myself in yet another stupid position, well long story short I got pretty sexually aroused by nothing in particular and I masterbated, bummer Afterwards I prayed and repented to God. I felt bad for letting my guard down that day. Today was pretty good. I had a few moments when I looked at some things I shouldn't have looked at; Just some pictures of "overly-tight pants". Other than that the temptation wasn't as bad today. The pictures I did see I tried my best to steer away from, and by God's grace I escaped some vulnerable moments. God is great! Thanks y'all, Noah
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2017 21:04:48 GMT -7
I failed. Over and over again.
For the past two and a half days I have just been terrible. It's like I completely forgot about standing back up again after sinning. Every night for the past two nights I watched porn. I don't know why I suddenly gave up, I just did.
What's worse is that tonight, I was curious to check out some gay porn and I'm afraid that I liked it. I don't have any explicit feelings towards any men, I just suddenly feel drawn to watch or fantasize about gay sex. It's disgusting and I hate how easily I fail time and again.
I usually get into a pattern of failing uncontrollably for three weeks or so, and then I pray a huge inspirational prayer, stay sober for a week at most, then fail, then start the cycle all over again. These past couple weeks I've been trying not to fall into this bad habit, and it was good for a while, but I find my self slipping back into my regular routine of sinning.
Please pray for me guys, I need all the help I can get. I'm going to try to get one of my parents to set up an internet filter, or something to stop me from watching pornography.
*Overwhelmed and tired sigh* Thanks y'all. Goodnight....
Noah
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2017 8:58:59 GMT -7
Hey Noah. It's tough trying to overcome porn and chose to go against your lusts. The longer you are viewing porn the worse the viewing gets. You might start off viewing straight sex but it goes downhill​ from there because you need more explicit stuff to get the same high. You need to fight against your urges and temptations. And it sounds like you are starting to do that. My turning point was getting totally disgusted with myself and what I was viewing. It was still a tough road but I kept getting back up and continuing the fight.
I am glad you realize that you need the internet filter. Good ones are Covenant Eyes and Secure Teen. They do charge a monthly fee but the money is well spent on these 2.
You may have lost the skirmish but you haven't lost the war. This is a long battle and you will take a fall or 3. Remember who is fighting with you. God always wins unless we give up completely. So keep battling.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2017 23:21:43 GMT -7
I have commitment issues.
I can't stay committed to my physical activities, to my social friendships, and especially to my spiritual temptation fighting.
I just recently seriously injured a friendship I had with a buddy of mine because of, guess what? My addiction.
Because of that incident I have just been full of depression, and in those moments of depression, I am very weak. (Don't get me wrong, God has more than enough power to strengthen me to fight, but I don't accept his help and I fail). So therefore, in my weakness and rejection, I sinned. I watched pornography consistently for a week or two, every day. It wasn't a struggle because I had, at the time being, simply given up.
And at the end of every 'porn session', all I felt was numbness. I wish I had felt guilty, I wish I had felt the pains of defeat, I so want to feel that guilt, and honestly I do, but I hate how little I feel that pang of defeat. It especially makes me feel bad that I cannot cry. I can't let my feelings out through tears because no years will come no matter what I do.
So far this is the only accountability I have, (which I lack commitment for as well), and I know I need someone in my life to guide me. I need someone to mentor me, but there is like nobody fit for the role, whether because of how close we are, communication, or simply because they are super busy.
I need some help. Please pray for my commitment, to this page, and to generally my whole life.
Thanks y'all Noah
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2017 20:51:35 GMT -7
Last couple of days have been rough. I masterbated constantly throughout the day, I'm at the point where I don't even seem to want to do it, even when I feel physically excited, or buzzed. Now it's just something my body just seems to do, or react to Everytime I get the feeling. Same numbness. I try to repent every time I sin, (this is in regards to all sin, just specifically my porn abuse), but I find myself almost 'skipping' over the repentance. It's almost as if I feel no guilt about my sin at all. Of course later on I repent, but this numbness towards my own sin scares me. My depression wasn't as bad today. Of course right now I'm still down in the ditch. I tried to apologize to my friend about my activities, and although I don't expect or deserve any forgiveness, I still hope that friend can find some way to understand. So please pray about that specifically. God is faithful and just to forgive. God is amazing and he will come through! Thanks fam! Noah (P.S. Happy Easter everyone! I am forever grateful for Jesus, who sufferd and died on the cross and yet rose again, forever erasing my sin and giving me new life! Praise the Lord!!! )
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2017 5:07:21 GMT -7
Noah have you thought about asking your parents to get you into counseling? Someone the specializes in young adults and addictions. It would help you I think.
The numbness is pretty standard with addictions. One thing to think about is that you need to practice turning your mind from dwelling on the sin. Use scripture cards, hobbies, learning, whatever will get your mind on something else. Usually urges and temptations only last a few minutes each time. It is difficult in the beginning but the more you practice these coping skills the easier it becomes to use them.
Your depression is concerning. It could stem from the porn use or it could be part of your perceived need for the porn. You may want to ask your parents to get you in to see a psychiatrist along with a counselor. Getting your depression under control will help you in overcoming the porn addiction. I suffer from depression and I know that I have more urges when I am depressed.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2017 21:27:35 GMT -7
Wow. Here I am after almost or even half a month. I apologise deeply for not being active y'all. I lack a LOT of commitment.
So lately things have been rough. I have been really angry, and depressed and frustrated all with myself. I keep on failing, I keep on ruining relationships that could've been. I am noticing how much it takes a toll on me to dwell on the past and it is seriously hurting me, and others.
Just recently I was very rude and cruel to some on my friends. I took out my anger on them and while I did apologize to all of them, I still feel terrible about it.
I haven't been MBing much lately, or even watching any porn. I have been too busy moping and wallowing in my depression. So it's​ almost good, but then not good... I dunno...
But amidst the large ocean of bad news, I have some amazing news. I found an accountability partner *excited squealing*.
He is a very wise young man (I think he is 25 or 26.) He has experience in addiction but has overcome it with God's help, and now he wants to help me! I thought you guys deserved to know since you have been praying for me (I hope).
I will do my best to be more active, but no promises people. I was thinking that maybe I could give one or two of y'all my Facebook so you can message me there when I am inactive, maybe then you can really challenge me to be active. (I am on Facebook most of the time)
Thanks for all your prayers guys! God is so loving and wise!!!
Noah
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2017 7:55:15 GMT -7
Praise God! I am so thankful you found an accountability partner!
Going through your young adult years is tough even for the most "holy" people. Seriously consider counseling. It will help. Your accountability partner will help also. Don't be so hard on yourself. Asking for forgiveness is only part of the process. The other part is learning to forgive yourself.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on May 3, 2017 21:17:09 GMT -7
Hey Noah, thanks for the update. It's good that you have someone you can draw strength from.
I still want to encourage you use every tool that the Lord gives at your disposal.
For instance, having one accountability partner in my life is better than nothing. But it's the equivalent of playing basketball against LeBron James. As an addict, I'm a very slippery person. I can easily fool or slip by one person. So I have multiple people that I can turn to for help, support, and guidance.
What I'm saying is that I believe God led you to BG for a reason. There are some of us here that can also encourage and support you here. Don't underestimate the power in that.
You want to stop P and MB, right? What would you be willing to do to stop? For myself, making a regular commitment to check in with BG would be a very small price to pay.
Don't stop using all the tools that God has given you. We're a team, man! We're behind you, rooting for you. Keep checking in; every day. You got time for FB, but they don't know what your struggle is like. We do. Believe me. I understand. God bless you, Noah. Really. You so got this!
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