Post by teetop on Jun 15, 2016 3:29:23 GMT -7
How does one tell their story or share who they are?
It is 2am here in Southern Oregon and I can not decide what to share and what not to share.
I've shared my story before and nothing good has come by it.
I'm 74 and I've been sober for 11 years+ this time around from alcohol.
Though when it comes to addictions the list is long and varied.
My sexual addictions are just a dip into debauchery; I've tried it all.
Just to try and think about sharing about it, tends to trigger the desires to act out.
Sex came before the drinking, though the drinking became a vehicle for bravery.
My introduction to sex started at the age of six and she being eighteen.
That said, doors were opened to feelings and desires I've both loved and hated.
I started going to Church when I was about eight, a Fourth-square Church that gave me the freedom from my family. (Another story) And when it comes to the Church, I've gone or been involved in many different Denominations. That may seem strange though considering I do not approve of any specific one. (This is the end times and the majority of doctrines being taught lack the ring of truth)
I trust God and His word.
I have found that the more you read the Bible the quicker the Holy Spirit has the power to guide you into knowing when some one is twisting His word and miss-representing God's will.
Virgil
ADDENDUM:
{4am the 26th of June 2016}
When I think and look at sin, I am struck by the focus we seem to put on the sexual sins, while overlooking other sins. The first one I can remember was lying. How do I know? The conviction I felt I had done something wrong by doing it. Now I realize that that brings into play the concept of; 'Age of accountability'. Don't kid yourself, God will not be mocked.
(Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
Gal 6:8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. NASB).
Though we/I may not have understood anything about the sin of lying, we did know we/I had done something wrong. Even if we were not caught lying. I also noticed something else happening at this time; sinful actions were being done in secret/darkness. (Joh 3:19 "This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil.
Joh 3:20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.
Joh 3:21 "But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God." NASB)
Let us walk in the light.
June 29th
My sexual history as i grew up progressed slowly except for the day-dreaming and masturbation which was quite frequent. My curiosity about the female body continued to plagued me as well as finding victims to relieve the incessant craving. Age didn't seem to play any part in my victims(victims may be the wrong word) either. Around the age of about 12 I started collecting magazines from my paper route (Mainly Romance or Detective) and they just added more to my fantasies.
A side note is probably do here, as at that time, fear of people, even my peers seemed to come-into play too. I caused a lot of problems in the family to the point I was allowed to set up my bedroom out in the garage separate from the rest of the family.
I was a ravines s reader of Sci-fi along with the magazines. The only nude picture I saw were from a couple mag's I found on the road. Though Rape stories were normally accompanied with graphic photos in the Detective mags. They only heightened my cravings and fantasies.
When I turned about 16, I was accused of molesting a young girl (About 14) of screwing around with her sexually, but lied about it strongly. (The only reason that came up was she was being molested by her Uncle and she became fearful. Which came up later.)
My struggles even became more problematic as I turned 17 and went into the Army and went to work in a pediatrics Hospital till I broke and asked to work some place else to get away from the kids. Also at that time I started smoking and had my first bought with drinking and drunkenness. (Dates allude me, so some things are not quite in order.)
I got out of the service early (Honorably) and was able to go up to where my Dad was living with my step mom along with my half sisters and brothers whom I had never met before except by writing.
Another side note though was from a picture of my eldest sisters picture, which opened the door to fantasizing about her. I'm not sure why her picture triggered me as their was nothing erotic about it. Yet it was a turn on for me. This was still while in the service.
My real dad was a drunk and we started having a falling out to where I moved down stairs in a room to maintain peace. During this time I got a chance to french kiss my younger sister and it hooked her to want more. (It will bring up more later in my story.) I was about 20 by then and she was about 9, I think.
(As we can see, Incest started to take place even though I didn't recognize it as such at the time. Nor did age seem to matter either. As I've said before debauchery was in play.
I'll try and add more later.
I do pray this does not trigger anyone else.
Virgil
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Marriage Bed; the next installment:
Around this time I met my Wife, Ramona. (a get together with one of my younger brothers friends)
Young adults, "Sowing their oats!" as the expression goes. Spinning the bottle, cards, etc. to get each others cloths off or to a dare going farther. (Side note: many times I would go so far and then turn from my intended-desire fulfillment.) My future wife and I did not have sex till we were married.
Right after we were married my new nieces and nephews started staying with us off and on. (3 girls and 1 boy)
The eldest girl 9 sure turned me on and did I ever pursue that. (Another side note: to this day, I've never been able to figure out why certain females turn my attention over to lust.)
This set of scripture I'd say is part of the answer.
Jas 1:12 Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
Jas 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.
Jas 1:14 But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.
Jas 1:15 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.(NASB)
I suspect and even think though I may not quite understand it all, is what takes place.
It was also around the time my drinking started to take place even though I was not able to buy alcohol yet, the kids father was an established drunk. Booze always brings false courage and a perfect vehicle to be deceived by the lie, what your doing is OK, just don't get caught. Secrecy, the mainstay of sin and a killer of marriages.
Secrecy I suspect started between husband and wife at the fall.
Gen 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. (NASB)
As our marriage progressed, I led my wife into more and more degradation. Swinging and the like. Though when we shared it with Ramon's sister and she sent us a letter asking to do it, I got mad. (I still scratch my head as to why I stopped that from happening. And I was not nice doing it either.) Still any female was a target for my lust Age, looks or size made no difference once those feelings of lust was there, I very seldom turned away. Then with a 13 year old neighbor girl, who was totally naked and ready to have sex, I did it again. I read her the riot act about how damaging it would be for her if we went through with the intercourse. I made her get dressed and sent her on her way. I never pushed her for sex from that time on and even when the lust came up in me, I just could not bring myself to act on it. Much later though I did fantasize about her and doing it. Masturbation and all.
The struggles I went through over my fantasies, lust and masturbation seemed to have no end. And I could never figure out what the triggers were. Yet as so many have shared here and other places once the act is done remorse and regret set in. The feelings of something wrong and shame rears its ugly head. And if your like me, a short term of depression sets in.
I do know though once my feelings for a specific person reached a certain point of lust, I found it was almost impossible to let them go.
I am reminded of Tamar and Amnon and his lust.
2Sa 13:1 Now it was after this that Absalom the son of David had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar, and Amnon the son of David loved her.
2Sa 13:2 Amnon was so frustrated because of his sister Tamar that he made himself ill, for she was a virgin, and it seemed hard to Amnon to do anything to her. (Amnon has already determined to rape Tamar)
2Sa 13:3 But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother; and Jonadab was a very shrewd man.
2Sa 13:4 He said to him, "O son of the king, why are you so depressed morning after morning? Will you not tell me?" Then Amnon said to him, "I am in love with Tamar, the sister of my brother Absalom."
2Sa 13:5 Jonadab then said to him, "Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill; when your father comes to see you, say to him, 'Please let my sister Tamar come and give me some food to eat, and let her prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat from her hand.'"
2Sa 13:6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill; when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, "Please let my sister Tamar come and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand."
2Sa 13:7 Then David sent to the house for Tamar, saying, "Go now to your brother Amnon's house, and prepare food for him."
2Sa 13:8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house, and he was lying down. And she took dough, kneaded it, made cakes in his sight, and baked the cakes.
2Sa 13:9 She took the pan and dished them out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, "Have everyone go out from me." So everyone went out from him.
2Sa 13:10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food into the bedroom, that I may eat from your hand." So Tamar took the cakes which she had made and brought them into the bedroom to her brother Amnon.
2Sa 13:11 When she brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, "Come, lie with me, my sister."
Amnon's lust was not to just have intercourse with his sister; he wanted to take it from her. His desire was to rape her.
2Sa 13:12 But she answered him, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this disgraceful thing!
2Sa 13:13 "As for me, where could I get rid of my reproach? And as for you, you will be like one of the fools in Israel. ( Her answer did show willingness as long as it was done legally, noted by her statement.) Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you."
2Sa 13:14 However, he would not listen to her; since he was stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. (The Rape)
2Sa 13:15 Then Amnon hated her with a very great hatred; for the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up, go away!"
2Sa 13:16 But she said to him, "No, because this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you have done to me!" Yet he would not listen to her.
2Sa 13:17 Then he called his young man who attended him and said, "Now throw this woman out of my presence, and lock the door behind her."
2Sa 13:18 Now she had on a long-sleeved garment; for in this manner the virgin daughters of the king dressed themselves in robes. Then his attendant took her out and locked the door behind her.
2Sa 13:19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her long-sleeved garment which was on her; and she put her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.
2Sa 13:20 Then Absalom her brother said to her, "Has Amnon your brother been with you? But now keep silent, my sister, he is your brother; do not take this matter to heart." So Tamar remained and was desolate in her brother Absalom's house.
2Sa_14:27 To Absalom there were born three sons, and one daughter whose name was Tamar; she was a woman of beautiful appearance.
I am going to conclude this part of my story with a couple of comments more:
1. Like Eve being deceived by Satan; I was deceived by my lust. (Lust does not = Love)
Gen. 3:1-24
2. Amnon was deceived by his desire for his sister and was enslaved with lust.
His lust for his sister changed his sister in his eye's from being a sister to an object to posses.
A very self-centered, selfish act.
3. Being enslaved by lust rather than love can be the hardest fleshly and spiritual battle we will ever wage.
(I will dig up the scriptures for this later.)
Virgil
It is 2am here in Southern Oregon and I can not decide what to share and what not to share.
I've shared my story before and nothing good has come by it.
I'm 74 and I've been sober for 11 years+ this time around from alcohol.
Though when it comes to addictions the list is long and varied.
My sexual addictions are just a dip into debauchery; I've tried it all.
Just to try and think about sharing about it, tends to trigger the desires to act out.
Sex came before the drinking, though the drinking became a vehicle for bravery.
My introduction to sex started at the age of six and she being eighteen.
That said, doors were opened to feelings and desires I've both loved and hated.
I started going to Church when I was about eight, a Fourth-square Church that gave me the freedom from my family. (Another story) And when it comes to the Church, I've gone or been involved in many different Denominations. That may seem strange though considering I do not approve of any specific one. (This is the end times and the majority of doctrines being taught lack the ring of truth)
I trust God and His word.
I have found that the more you read the Bible the quicker the Holy Spirit has the power to guide you into knowing when some one is twisting His word and miss-representing God's will.
Virgil
ADDENDUM:
{4am the 26th of June 2016}
When I think and look at sin, I am struck by the focus we seem to put on the sexual sins, while overlooking other sins. The first one I can remember was lying. How do I know? The conviction I felt I had done something wrong by doing it. Now I realize that that brings into play the concept of; 'Age of accountability'. Don't kid yourself, God will not be mocked.
(Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
Gal 6:8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. NASB).
Though we/I may not have understood anything about the sin of lying, we did know we/I had done something wrong. Even if we were not caught lying. I also noticed something else happening at this time; sinful actions were being done in secret/darkness. (Joh 3:19 "This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil.
Joh 3:20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.
Joh 3:21 "But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God." NASB)
Let us walk in the light.
June 29th
My sexual history as i grew up progressed slowly except for the day-dreaming and masturbation which was quite frequent. My curiosity about the female body continued to plagued me as well as finding victims to relieve the incessant craving. Age didn't seem to play any part in my victims(victims may be the wrong word) either. Around the age of about 12 I started collecting magazines from my paper route (Mainly Romance or Detective) and they just added more to my fantasies.
A side note is probably do here, as at that time, fear of people, even my peers seemed to come-into play too. I caused a lot of problems in the family to the point I was allowed to set up my bedroom out in the garage separate from the rest of the family.
I was a ravines s reader of Sci-fi along with the magazines. The only nude picture I saw were from a couple mag's I found on the road. Though Rape stories were normally accompanied with graphic photos in the Detective mags. They only heightened my cravings and fantasies.
When I turned about 16, I was accused of molesting a young girl (About 14) of screwing around with her sexually, but lied about it strongly. (The only reason that came up was she was being molested by her Uncle and she became fearful. Which came up later.)
My struggles even became more problematic as I turned 17 and went into the Army and went to work in a pediatrics Hospital till I broke and asked to work some place else to get away from the kids. Also at that time I started smoking and had my first bought with drinking and drunkenness. (Dates allude me, so some things are not quite in order.)
I got out of the service early (Honorably) and was able to go up to where my Dad was living with my step mom along with my half sisters and brothers whom I had never met before except by writing.
Another side note though was from a picture of my eldest sisters picture, which opened the door to fantasizing about her. I'm not sure why her picture triggered me as their was nothing erotic about it. Yet it was a turn on for me. This was still while in the service.
My real dad was a drunk and we started having a falling out to where I moved down stairs in a room to maintain peace. During this time I got a chance to french kiss my younger sister and it hooked her to want more. (It will bring up more later in my story.) I was about 20 by then and she was about 9, I think.
(As we can see, Incest started to take place even though I didn't recognize it as such at the time. Nor did age seem to matter either. As I've said before debauchery was in play.
I'll try and add more later.
I do pray this does not trigger anyone else.
Virgil
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Marriage Bed; the next installment:
Around this time I met my Wife, Ramona. (a get together with one of my younger brothers friends)
Young adults, "Sowing their oats!" as the expression goes. Spinning the bottle, cards, etc. to get each others cloths off or to a dare going farther. (Side note: many times I would go so far and then turn from my intended-desire fulfillment.) My future wife and I did not have sex till we were married.
Right after we were married my new nieces and nephews started staying with us off and on. (3 girls and 1 boy)
The eldest girl 9 sure turned me on and did I ever pursue that. (Another side note: to this day, I've never been able to figure out why certain females turn my attention over to lust.)
This set of scripture I'd say is part of the answer.
Jas 1:12 Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
Jas 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.
Jas 1:14 But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.
Jas 1:15 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.(NASB)
I suspect and even think though I may not quite understand it all, is what takes place.
It was also around the time my drinking started to take place even though I was not able to buy alcohol yet, the kids father was an established drunk. Booze always brings false courage and a perfect vehicle to be deceived by the lie, what your doing is OK, just don't get caught. Secrecy, the mainstay of sin and a killer of marriages.
Secrecy I suspect started between husband and wife at the fall.
Gen 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. (NASB)
As our marriage progressed, I led my wife into more and more degradation. Swinging and the like. Though when we shared it with Ramon's sister and she sent us a letter asking to do it, I got mad. (I still scratch my head as to why I stopped that from happening. And I was not nice doing it either.) Still any female was a target for my lust Age, looks or size made no difference once those feelings of lust was there, I very seldom turned away. Then with a 13 year old neighbor girl, who was totally naked and ready to have sex, I did it again. I read her the riot act about how damaging it would be for her if we went through with the intercourse. I made her get dressed and sent her on her way. I never pushed her for sex from that time on and even when the lust came up in me, I just could not bring myself to act on it. Much later though I did fantasize about her and doing it. Masturbation and all.
The struggles I went through over my fantasies, lust and masturbation seemed to have no end. And I could never figure out what the triggers were. Yet as so many have shared here and other places once the act is done remorse and regret set in. The feelings of something wrong and shame rears its ugly head. And if your like me, a short term of depression sets in.
I do know though once my feelings for a specific person reached a certain point of lust, I found it was almost impossible to let them go.
I am reminded of Tamar and Amnon and his lust.
2Sa 13:1 Now it was after this that Absalom the son of David had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar, and Amnon the son of David loved her.
2Sa 13:2 Amnon was so frustrated because of his sister Tamar that he made himself ill, for she was a virgin, and it seemed hard to Amnon to do anything to her. (Amnon has already determined to rape Tamar)
2Sa 13:3 But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother; and Jonadab was a very shrewd man.
2Sa 13:4 He said to him, "O son of the king, why are you so depressed morning after morning? Will you not tell me?" Then Amnon said to him, "I am in love with Tamar, the sister of my brother Absalom."
2Sa 13:5 Jonadab then said to him, "Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill; when your father comes to see you, say to him, 'Please let my sister Tamar come and give me some food to eat, and let her prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat from her hand.'"
2Sa 13:6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill; when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, "Please let my sister Tamar come and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand."
2Sa 13:7 Then David sent to the house for Tamar, saying, "Go now to your brother Amnon's house, and prepare food for him."
2Sa 13:8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house, and he was lying down. And she took dough, kneaded it, made cakes in his sight, and baked the cakes.
2Sa 13:9 She took the pan and dished them out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, "Have everyone go out from me." So everyone went out from him.
2Sa 13:10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food into the bedroom, that I may eat from your hand." So Tamar took the cakes which she had made and brought them into the bedroom to her brother Amnon.
2Sa 13:11 When she brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, "Come, lie with me, my sister."
Amnon's lust was not to just have intercourse with his sister; he wanted to take it from her. His desire was to rape her.
2Sa 13:12 But she answered him, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this disgraceful thing!
2Sa 13:13 "As for me, where could I get rid of my reproach? And as for you, you will be like one of the fools in Israel. ( Her answer did show willingness as long as it was done legally, noted by her statement.) Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you."
2Sa 13:14 However, he would not listen to her; since he was stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. (The Rape)
2Sa 13:15 Then Amnon hated her with a very great hatred; for the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up, go away!"
2Sa 13:16 But she said to him, "No, because this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you have done to me!" Yet he would not listen to her.
2Sa 13:17 Then he called his young man who attended him and said, "Now throw this woman out of my presence, and lock the door behind her."
2Sa 13:18 Now she had on a long-sleeved garment; for in this manner the virgin daughters of the king dressed themselves in robes. Then his attendant took her out and locked the door behind her.
2Sa 13:19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her long-sleeved garment which was on her; and she put her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.
2Sa 13:20 Then Absalom her brother said to her, "Has Amnon your brother been with you? But now keep silent, my sister, he is your brother; do not take this matter to heart." So Tamar remained and was desolate in her brother Absalom's house.
2Sa_14:27 To Absalom there were born three sons, and one daughter whose name was Tamar; she was a woman of beautiful appearance.
I am going to conclude this part of my story with a couple of comments more:
1. Like Eve being deceived by Satan; I was deceived by my lust. (Lust does not = Love)
Gen. 3:1-24
2. Amnon was deceived by his desire for his sister and was enslaved with lust.
His lust for his sister changed his sister in his eye's from being a sister to an object to posses.
A very self-centered, selfish act.
3. Being enslaved by lust rather than love can be the hardest fleshly and spiritual battle we will ever wage.
(I will dig up the scriptures for this later.)
Virgil
