Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 22:08:48 GMT -7
I am new here and feeling blessed to be accepted in the Blazing Grace Family. I am saddened that I have a need to be here (as is everyone else) but I am thankful that I found this site. I have known for three years that there was something terribly wrong in my marriage, I was certain that he was having an affair and never ever suspected that it was an addiction to pornography. I did everything that I could think of to "fix" me and to "fix" our marriage. About a year ago his behavior became unbearable. Literally, I could not shut the back door without it being confrontational. Over the summer he had convinced me that I was crazy and needed to be on medication. I fell for that. Thankfully, my physician has known me all of my adult life and suggested a therapist. By the Grace of God, I found an excellent therapist who worked with me and helped me identify the problem. Actually, the very first visit, she said that he had a porn addiction. I left there shaking my head thinking, "oh my gosh, now I am seeing a therapist that is crazy". I drove away thinking I was wasting not only my time but also my money. I really liked her and she promised that I was fixable so I continued going.
I was never convinced that it was porn, I believed that it was a woman. In an attempt to gather proof of this, I gathered proof of the porn. (I am still not convinced that there were not women too.) He had an affair in 2002, that he denied, but once again, convinced me that I was crazy.
I had proof of the porn and confronted him on 02/11/2016. He promised that he would never ever look at it again ... he is not addicted ... he only did it because he was bored ...he does not need counseling ... and on and on and on the story went. I believed every single word he said.
I know (for fact) that he is still viewing porn in his I Phone and he is denying it. When I confronted him he asked for 90 days to "get his act together". He promised that in that time he would be able to be the husband that God called him to be. Statistically, I did not think that he could overcome this addiction without therapy but as a believer, since he told me that he was praying about it and that he was doing it for God, I really thought that he could do it.
I lost my way in February and I do not want that ever again. I am keeping my focus on God and not the porn and I am listening to him and not the enemy. Right now, he is telling me, over and over, "I love you, Gracey and I am right here. Lean into me." He also tells me to be still but my oh my, that is a hard one! I pray for my husband at all times but this has to be something that he wants too.
I do not know what the outcome of this is going to be ... I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure that out, but now realize that I do not have to know today what tomorrow holds; all I have to know is who holds tomorrow. After much reading and trying to wrap my head around this I have a deeper understanding of the addiction. I am trying to be understanding and patient but I find that hard when I don't see my husband fighting for our marriage. It is hard for me to not give in to fear of what lies ahead if there is not a change. When the fear becomes crippling, I stand on God's promise that not only will he look out for me as I am going into battle, but he will be my rearguard after the battle. And this is indeed a battle ; A spiritual battle ...One I was not prepared for in the least. The enemy will not win this one ... By the gracious hand of God, he will not claim a victory over my life. I will not let this change my heart and my love for my God. If my husband so chooses to let him have the victory over him that will be his choice, he has free will.
Until we talk again, I am BELIEVING that God will take the scars from each and every one of us and turn them into stars for his glory!
I was never convinced that it was porn, I believed that it was a woman. In an attempt to gather proof of this, I gathered proof of the porn. (I am still not convinced that there were not women too.) He had an affair in 2002, that he denied, but once again, convinced me that I was crazy.
I had proof of the porn and confronted him on 02/11/2016. He promised that he would never ever look at it again ... he is not addicted ... he only did it because he was bored ...he does not need counseling ... and on and on and on the story went. I believed every single word he said.
I know (for fact) that he is still viewing porn in his I Phone and he is denying it. When I confronted him he asked for 90 days to "get his act together". He promised that in that time he would be able to be the husband that God called him to be. Statistically, I did not think that he could overcome this addiction without therapy but as a believer, since he told me that he was praying about it and that he was doing it for God, I really thought that he could do it.
I lost my way in February and I do not want that ever again. I am keeping my focus on God and not the porn and I am listening to him and not the enemy. Right now, he is telling me, over and over, "I love you, Gracey and I am right here. Lean into me." He also tells me to be still but my oh my, that is a hard one! I pray for my husband at all times but this has to be something that he wants too.
I do not know what the outcome of this is going to be ... I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure that out, but now realize that I do not have to know today what tomorrow holds; all I have to know is who holds tomorrow. After much reading and trying to wrap my head around this I have a deeper understanding of the addiction. I am trying to be understanding and patient but I find that hard when I don't see my husband fighting for our marriage. It is hard for me to not give in to fear of what lies ahead if there is not a change. When the fear becomes crippling, I stand on God's promise that not only will he look out for me as I am going into battle, but he will be my rearguard after the battle. And this is indeed a battle ; A spiritual battle ...One I was not prepared for in the least. The enemy will not win this one ... By the gracious hand of God, he will not claim a victory over my life. I will not let this change my heart and my love for my God. If my husband so chooses to let him have the victory over him that will be his choice, he has free will.
Until we talk again, I am BELIEVING that God will take the scars from each and every one of us and turn them into stars for his glory!