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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 16:10:38 GMT -7
Hello to everyone at Blazing Grace. I discovered this website and registered yesterday. I'm not sure how to begin, so I'll just pour it out. I am 65 years old, married (my 4th wife), and have finally deciding to do something about this monkey on my back, because honestly, I just can't handle the destruction, the deception, and chains anymore. I lost 2 wives to porn, and came within an inch of losing my present wife, who by the way, I've been married to for 13 years, and is the most awesome, Godly woman I have ever known. I'm not young anymore, and I don't want to go out as a failure. I have been addicted to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and at times, even food. I invited Christ into my life 19 years ago. He mercifully delivered me from all of those addictions, but, I stubbornly hung onto this one. The first time I looked at porn was at the age of 11, and it's been downhill ever since. P and M, as you guys call it, has negatively effected my relationships with wives, my children, work, friends, ...heck, all aspects of my life. My wife (present) has discovered me doing porn at least 3 times in 6 years. Each time, I promised to change, and then lied through my teeth as I continued to sneak it. I have hurt her beyond my ability to really even understand, and she is at the very end of the line with me. I must change my life or I'll lose her. She's sticking by me, but the line is drawn in the sand. Please inform me of any of the basics I need to know to get this off the ground. Do I need an accountability partner, and how do I get one? Are there additional materials, besides that compelling stuff that Mike writes, that anyone would recommend me looking at? How about any recommendations to help my wife become more informed? Are there any local support groups in the Johnstown/Altoona region that anyone is aware of? We live in a fairly populated area of western PA, and there, literally is nothing here...no support groups, no church programs...nothing. Nobody in the Christian community talks openly about it. I tried one other time, a few years ago, to join a church sponsored, general "addiction" program. It was pretty lame, and it was definitely more oriented to alcohol/drug abuse than sexual sin. Well, anyway, point is that I just gave up trying to find support. I hope it's different here... Sure looks like it might be. Anything that might help, from anyone, is greatly appreciated. Thanks mucho!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 17:07:17 GMT -7
Hi welcome to the forums. I am sure you will find the support you are looking for here. We have a great group of men in various stages of their recovery journey. I will point them to your post.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 19:27:50 GMT -7
My friend, you are at a good place in your life right now. I know it might not feel nor look that way but rest assured you are. You are beginning to see the big picture of how destructive this addiction really is. I appreciate you so much for doing this. It isn't easy for a guy To admit his weaknesses. Believe me when I say you my man took a HUGE step in the right direction. As for your questions I'll try to remember all of them and answer as much of them I can.
Basics: They are different for each individual. Many men have come to realize that they can't beat this addiction alone. So while we never say you NEED an accountability partner, most men feel like this is a big part of their recovery plan. Besides the Bible says that "two are better than one because if one should fall his friend can pick him up...but pity the one who has no one to help Him." So if you want an accountability partner Mike (our founder) has a short article on here about what to look for in one. Also most men put accountability software and web blocking software on their phones, Tablets, laptops with the password going to the accountability partner. Again the idea is out of sight out of mind. The Bible talks about "not letting a HINT of sexual immorality or anything IMPURE be present in our lives." Some good software is Covenant Eyes, Ever Accountable, Accountable to You. Also members have installed porn blocking devices with time locks to insure no access to porn or chat sites get through. I personally use Secure Teen. Others use what works for them. We here hold deeply to the Bible as our standard. We don't force anyone to believe nor is it a requirement for membership, but a lot of advice we give will come from the Bible as we believe it to be God's written word. Have a support group around you to encourage you when you are down or don't know where to go. Amy our Administrative Head is wonderful at doing research and I'm sure she can find a support group in your area that deals with this addiction. Most men have a recovery group at their church or a local Celebrate Recovery group in another church. Also Some members have gone through SAA 12 Steps to change there behavior. I am a big believer in that MORE is good when it comes to recovery. The MORE positive things you can add to your arsenal will help you win this war. My friend I want you to understand you are in a war. You have now decided today that you didn't like being on the loosing side. You took a stand and wanted to know how to win. You came here and began to ask questions. This is good, so very good. We don't have the answers, in fact we don't have any answers. That isn't why this group got started. We aren't going to "fix or cure you." We can't and we won't. We Will tell you what we have tried, what's working for us, what isn't working, and all the while encouraging you through the grace shown to us. You are the one who MUST do the work required to repent. You are the one who NEEDS a change of MIND and a change of HEART. We can only guide you to the one who has the "living water" but no matter how hard I try I can't make you "drink it". You must do that. If you need any further advice feel free to ask of it. We have a great group of people here from all over the world. Many will respond in due time. My sincere wishes toward your journey.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 19, 2016 21:23:49 GMT -7
Hello SetmeFree,
WElcome to BG.
You are not alone. I can clearly understand your pain. I've been where you are, and so have many others.
To address some of your questions. I think a good starting point would be reconciling your relationship with God and your wife.
I have quite a few phone buddies that I connect with throughout the week. To me that has worked really well as a pillar of accountability. Blazing Grace also happens to be my main pillar of accountability. For me, accountability is more than just checking in about how I'm doing with avoiding P and MB. It's means that I also share my intentions to spend time each day in the word, that I take time to worship with my guitar, that I call my phone buddies (even if I think I don't need it), that I work out, and that I spend time with God, my wife, and my family.
And that's a lot. But I needed that amazing turnaround in all areas of my life. I truly needed to be sold out for Jesus. And I needed to demonstrate that (by taking action in my own life instead of simply giving lip service). I believe that my wife felt reassured that I was on the right track when my life was showing radical changes in a bunch of different areas. It's not just about stopping the P. God wants so much more from me than that. And if I don't respond to His challenge to truly turn my entire life over to Him, He'll probably just allow me to slip, relapse, and fall on my face all the way to despair and destruction. Because God doesn't give a flying hoot about how perfect a tree I am. He's much more concerned about how much fruit I'm bearing in my life.
Setmefree, I'll pm you my phone number. We can be phone buddies if you're willing. Also, I would like to know your plan. You gotta have a plan. It needs to involve the boundaries that need to be set in your life, and what specific actions your going to do to change. View some of the accountability logs on this forum, and that will give you some ideas. Blessings to you, brother.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 18:25:53 GMT -7
Hey Scott, So nice to hear from you this week. Thanks for getting back to me about how you are doing. Hopefully you will get around to sending me that posting You promised...lol. Anyway my friend, take care and see you soon.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 10:55:05 GMT -7
Hi Jonathan and anyone who's listening. I'm back. Sorry it took so long, but like I said, I had surgery 3 weeks ago, and things have been a little irregular here. Everything went well, though, and I am recovering quickly. It was prostate and bladder surgery, and it had been an ongoing, extremely painful problem for almost 6 years. A string of doctors who couldn't figure it out added to the problem, until I found this great urologist who diagnosed it correctly within a 1/2 hour of my appointment. He actually told me that I'd have to spend 1 or 2 nights in the hospital after surgery, but it went so well that they released me the same day. Is God good or what?
So, to report how I'm doing...I'm doing good. I've been clean for 23 days. But, I think I'll start a new thread in the accountability section to talk about it in detail.
Thanks so much for "checking up on me". It really does feel good to know that there are some guys out there who care what happens, or what I'm doing.
Jonathan, I see you play guitar. I started playing piano at age 6, and have been playing and composing all my life. I played in bands when I was a young man, mostly pop, rock, some blues and some jazz, and some country. After I came to the Lord, I led worship for about 6 years. I now have a musical street ministry, along with my wife. How about you?
...Setmefree
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 11:17:07 GMT -7
Sorry but I don't play guitar. I love to listen to church worship songs but don't play. I played bass fiddle for a number of years as a kid, but nothing seriously. Wishing I could. Kevin does.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 11:42:14 GMT -7
Oh, Sorry. I thought that it you (that played guitar). Maybe it was Kevin. I just remember reading it. My bad.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,735
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 6, 2016 20:50:56 GMT -7
Hey Scott,
It's really encouraging to hear your post. What a great testimony. We're glad your surgery went well. And 23 days of sobriety is indeed a great gift. Wonderful. Praise God!
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