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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 13:59:09 GMT -7
Hi everyone. I am new here and just need some insight, guidance or just to vent. My emotions feel out of control.
My husband and I have been together 5 years married for 3 months. Second marriage for me. We are 40 and 39.
I have never had an issue with porn before, I even watched it myself occasionally. Early in our relationship things were great or so I thought until about a year in he broke my trust. I caught him talking to other women online. They were all his friends on Facebook, people he actually knew. He said he never saw them but the conversationsinging were not appropriate. We worked through it. I also knew he watched porn but never said anything. About 2 years in he was have issues with ED. I started researching and found the link between ED and porn. I gave him all the information and told him no more porn. He agreed but only he couldn't stop. I kept finding it only for us to argue and him say he wouldn't do it anymore.
Well, for the last 2 years I haven't seen any and he had earned my trust back completely. Things were a little hectic the last 2 years, he is not very social or open with his feelings. We stayed busy wedding plannine and preparing for our first grandchild.
Then last week my world crumbled again. He had to go out of town for work. Day 1 was dine, we texted and talked. Day 2 he texted me he was off work around 620pm. I was doing my own life things so we texted randomly for the next hour and a half. He was at dinner, how was it feeling (I was sick) then I realized the text I sent him at 8 he hadn't answered. I didn't panic. Sent him another one around 9. No reply. I called and his phone was off. I texted him again at 930 asking why his phone was off and no reply. At 6am the next morning I log in our phone bill and see he got the messages at 938 that night. I also GPS his phone and it is on and he is at the hotel. I call no answer. At 805 he calls me and tells me that his phone had died and they went to a bar. Something just did not jive with me. He knew I was mad. I went crazy on google then told him to call me on his lunch. He called and I asked the name of the bar he went to. He told me and I hung up on him. It was a strip club. He knew that would not be ok. Long story short, lies were all uncovered. His phone had not died, he turned it off so I could not see where he was if I tried, it was a strip club, the guys all then went back to the hotel and drank until 1am. I know he did not spend any money, the guys paid for him to get in and his drinks and I found out later one of the guys bought all of them a neck and shoulder massage.
In an attempt to get passed the liesame I told him I wanted to see his phone. He hands it to me and BAM!! It is filled with porn.
He said he will stop, he put monitors on his phone (he doesn't use a computer) but I am so heartbroken. One minute I think I am fine and the next I am near tears. My head keeps giving me images of him ogling women at the strip club. The truth took 5 days to come out this dar, how do I know there is not more??? I have read everything online I could, ordered a ton of books for both of us yet I still feel out control. He is emotionally distant, nothing new but I am realizing we actually don't have much intimacy in our life before and I want that!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 21:19:04 GMT -7
Hi rj,
I'm new to truly fighting for my marriage, I shared my story in this section as well if you'd like to see some of my short journey so far, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry for all that you are going through. You are not alone and one thing that I have experienced and learned so far is that this particular struggle thrives in isolation and secrets and it needs light to be shed on it and then allowed to remain on it. I pray you find encouragement here and a place to vent. There are some great articles for wives I have read on this site and also there are some great members of this forum who have been on the journey of healing and recovery in this who are a godsend. I am praying for you even as I type and hope you find hope and encouragement in the days ahead. May God give you peace even as a storm is raging in your life, and may He give wisdom to guide you. I just wanted to share this verse I always find comfort in “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 0:11:29 GMT -7
Hi rj, I am relatively new here myself and have also posted our story in previous posts which you can read if you like. To summarize, my husband is 5 years into recovery from sex addiction/acting out with other women. We've been through hell, to put it bluntly, but God has been faithful through all the pain, confusion, and turmoil. We are in a good place now - 5 years out, not by our doing, but only by the grace and mercy of God.
I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. I know how devastating it can feel when a husbands sin and addiction to porn and/or acting out first comes to light. I remember feeling like my world had come to an end when I discovered my husband's mass unfaithfulness. I want to encourage you that there is hope. It's great that you found this forum and are reaching out. Also getting educated about porn/sex addiction is a great first step to take. There are many good books out there on the subject. I can recommend a few that were helpful to me if you need any additional.
I would also encourage you to find out the truth of what's going on. It sounds like a bit of light has been shown in the darkness. You may be tempted to put it out of your mind or try to rationalize it away. Don't do it. Use this as an opportunity to seek truth and find out what you are truly dealing with.
My husband was acting out sexually with prostitutes. The original number that I was told was minuscule, compared to reality. The only way I was able to get the truth was approx 2 weeks after discovery we were at a weekend intensive with a sex addiction therapist. My husband was required to do a full disclosure backed up by a polygraph. He did not want to see a therapist, he absolutely did not want to take a polygraph. Now, he says it was the best thing he could have done to start down the road to recovery. He started therapy because a firm boundary was set, up-front. It was either go to an intensive therapy weekend and get help, or use that money to get a divorce.
I'm not saying the road my husband and I have taken is necessarily the road you will travel, I'm just trying to encourage you to seek the truth, and set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Sex addicts often don't think they have a problem, have mastered the art of lying, and are first class at manipulating their wives to continue to hide their secrets. That is basically a description of my husband prior to five years ago. Thankfully, he is not that man anymore, though he can be tempted back into that mindset if he so chooses.
Most of all cling to God during this very difficult time. Get into The Bible, let the Word of God minister to you, guide you, and comfort you. God knows what you are going through right now, and he knows your future. Rest safely in His care, for nothing is impossible for Him. No person is too sinful too redeem, no marriage is too broken to piece back together. I'll be praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 4:07:27 GMT -7
Hi rj. Welcome to the forums. I pray you find the support and encouragement you will need as you begin this difficult journey. The ladies are spot on in their posts. I just wanted to add my prayer to theirs. My story is also on the forums under Introductions. I have been on both sides of this addiction. Been an overcomer of porn 8 years and more recently had a husband (now an ex) that is addicted to porn. That part of my story is also on here.
I also want to reiterate what was said by hope. Addicts are liars and manipulators. Do not believe what is said to you unless it is backed up with proof. Arm yourself with knowledge. One thing that I am concerned with is that you mentioned your husband put blocking software on his phone. Did you set the password? Is it a password he won't guess? Be aware that there are ways to circumvent blocking software. What is the name of the blocking software? YouTube and Facebook need to be on the no go list. They are where most addicts get their porn or "fix".
Stay strong and know that when I say this it does entail leaning heavily on God for that strength.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 8:11:16 GMT -7
Thank you all so much. I am such a wave of emotions and he just shuts down. I think he is under the assumption that if we don't talk about it that it will go away.
He has 2 softwares on his phone. Covenant Eyes and Phone Sheriff. He does have the ability to shut off Covenant Eyes but it will send me an email if he does. Phone Sheriff he does not have the password and again I can see if he tried to remove it. He is not real technical savy at all. He has no clue how I found out some of the things I did by not even looking at his phone. I tried to tell him phones are nothing but trackers. We do have a home computer but he has never been on it at all and does not have the log in for it.
All the reading I have done so far I know that our emotional disconnect is for several reasons. Ithe is so bad I contemplated canceling the wedding. I didn't so now we have to fix it or divorce will be in our future.
People laugh because he is socially awkward and ALWAYS on his phone playing games. When I say always I mean always. No matter what we are doing he is knee deep in his phone. I have been telling him for a long time this isn't working either. I am trying to tackle all of it and therapy I think will be the only way. He has a lot of issues from his childhood I think.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 8:35:06 GMT -7
I would take away his ability to shut off CE....at least to begin with. Who is his accountability partner?
He does need therapy because this addiction warps the mind and thought process. If you can limit his time on the phone, that would be ideal. He is using it as a coping mechanism along with the porn. He needs to learn good coping skills. Without good coping skills, he will just move on to another addiction or call back into the same one.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 13:01:30 GMT -7
Him and I just had this conversation. He is in denial. He believes it will go away if he just doesn't go to those sites. I told him it was deeper than that and he said we don't need therapy or counseling or even one of those weekend workshops. I told him all he does is stuff his face in his phone, doesn't talk. His reply was he doesn't talk to anyone. I told him that we need to work on communication but he insisted we don't need help. He is also very adamant no one know about all this. I do know I cannot change him so I will either have to be done now or prepare myself for a relapse because he is not ready to change. I asked him why this time will be different than before when I caught him with porn since he knew he was getting caught but still did it. He said he thought he figured a way I couldn't tell. Problem was I just wasn't looking.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 14:26:58 GMT -7
Hon I am sorry. It does sound like your hubby is in denial and hasn't hit rock bottom yet. It is hard to fight for a relationship when only one person is in the fight...however you have a wonderful loving God on your side. Do some praying about your situation and turn your focus on healing yourself and drawing closer to God. God will make it clear to you what your next step should be.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 9:44:17 GMT -7
I agree with Amymine, "its hard to fix a relationship, when you are the only one in the fight." Sounds like your husband is in major denial. He has to get to a place where he can't stand who he has become, and only God can bring him to that point. He's got to be the one who wants to break free. Doesn't sound like he's there yet. Pray that God will bring him to a place of absolute brokenness. In the meantime, I would encourage you to find a support group or counselor familiar with sex addiction who can help you learn how to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your heart. From what you posted previously, it sounds like he is happy with the way things are, while you are quite dissatisfied. Boundaries aren't to punish someone, they are to keep you safe emotionally and physically. If he's going to strip clubs, chances are - more is going on than has been revealed.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 10:41:45 GMT -7
We talked about therapy yesterday and counseling. He said he won't have any more issues if we quit bringing it up. I tried explaining to him that just not going to those sites because I don't want him to is not enough. He knew efore I didn't want him to and he still went. His reply was he thought he was getting away with it. Again, he is not truly ready to stop.
As for strip clubs, the first time he went since we have been together was last week. I am sure of that. I am so hurt by that too and have so many images in my head of him there. In the long run I guess it is good that he went and got caught because it brought everything out in the open. The bad is the images that keep running through my head and the triggers. Like the shirt he wore that night. I won't touch it, it has just been sitting on the laundry room floor. He loves listening to music, every song he plays I wonder if a stripper danced to that song. One of the guys that went posted a video on FB of them in the hotel room after dancing around and drinking....so many triggers. The name of the city he was in and just talk they may have to go back is enough to throw me for a loop. The porn triggers are there too but not as bad. The bad part is I know exactly what he searched every time he was looking at porn and not browser history. He still doesn't know how I did that after his browser history was deleted! When I figured out how to see that I went back 2 years before I stopped looking. I did delete it all so I can't torture myself and I did not actually click the links to see what he watched. The search terms were enough.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 12:12:44 GMT -7
Him and I just had this conversation. He is in denial. He believes it will go away if he just doesn't go to those sites. I told him it was deeper than that and he said we don't need therapy or counseling or even one of those weekend workshops. I told him all he does is stuff his face in his phone, doesn't talk. His reply was he doesn't talk to anyone. I told him that we need to work on communication but he insisted we don't need help. He is also very adamant no one know about all this. I do know I cannot change him so I will either have to be done now or prepare myself for a relapse because he is not ready to change. I asked him why this time will be different than before when I caught him with porn since he knew he was getting caught but still did it. He said he thought he figured a way I couldn't tell. Problem was I just wasn't looking. Hello and welcome to the forums. My name is Jonathan and I'm one of the moderators of this forum. From time to time I will check in and add my "two cents worth" when appropriate. I'm both glad and saddened that you are hear as the other females have stated. Glad in the sense that here you will find wonderful women and men who will support and guide you gently through this horrible expetience. With that in mind I'm saddened to learn that another couple is going through the pains of sexual addiction. Everything you shared is exactly what myself and other men have had to deal with. I don't k now the other side of the partnership nor do I know your husband. He may be in denial or the reality of what is about to happen is overwhelming him. He is about to have his dark little secret fully exposed. As a fella this quite frankly scared the bejeebies out if me. I couldn't begin to tell you how frightening It was. Everything I had to say would always be questioned. My life would be under a microscope and I deserved ALL of it. It was a lot for me to take in. Again I don't know your husband or what he is thinking. I would ask that you take into consideration What he might be feeling. I could be totally wrong here but we call ourselves Blazing Grace So I would ask to hold deep to your boundaries while giving him the grace that he just might be hurting too. These are my thoughts. The ladies can better help you set up boundaries. But I thought you might like an inside look from the other side. I'll keep you in my prayers as I watch you grow. God bless.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 21:07:56 GMT -7
Thank you!! That is how I feel too then get scared I am being fooled. I know he has to be scared being this exposed and worried about a relapse knowing I will know immediately.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2016 5:33:23 GMT -7
Hello there, I hope for you that things are better. It's been awhile since we here last heard from you. Please let US know how you are.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 5:07:25 GMT -7
Hello RJ. My heart breaks for you as I read your posts. So many of the things you've said sound exactly like the roller coaster that I have been experiencing with my spouse. Unfortunately, he has not allowed me to install blocking software on his phone, and he has a personal laptop as well.
When I found out about my husband's infidelity nearly a year ago, my world was turned upside down. I have educated myself about PA, SA and pleasure addiction to try and understand what I'm dealing with. I have read many books, but the one that has helped me most as a spouse is by Dr. Barbara Steffens, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. It helped me to understand not only what my husband is going through, but also the horrible roller coaster of emotions that we go through when we find out about our life shattering betrayal. You have suffered trauma at the hands of someone you trust and love, and her book explains why you feel the way you do. Encourage you to purchase it and read it if you haven't already.
The only way you will be able to survive this is to seek God daily, and learn to take care of yourself. I understand the worry, the insecurity, and the fear that comes from knowing that your spouse is lying to you. It's simply devastating. Put as many of the ladies on this site have already said, God will uphold you and give you the strength to walk this road. God is the only reason that I'm able to get up in the morning and go about my day. I am struggling greatly right now with hopelessness, because it seems that my husband has no intention of acknowledging his addiction or of ever trying to change. Like your husband, he refuses to speak about the problems in our marriage, much less try to work through them together. He left our home on October 1st abandoning me and our daughter, and in many ways this has been much more painful then finding out about the infidelity.
I know you love him, and you want your relationship to be so much more. So seek God and his guidance in your life. I will be praying for you, and for all the women on this site that are heartbroken like us. Sending love, hugs and prayers to you this morning.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Dec 31, 2021 4:37:17 GMT -7
Hi everyone. I am new here and just need some insight, guidance or just to vent. My emotions feel out of control. My husband and I have been together 5 years married for 3 months. Second marriage for me. We are 40 and 39. I have never had an issue with porn before, I even watched it myself occasionally. Early in our relationship things were great or so I thought until about a year in he broke my trust. I caught him talking to other women online. They were all his friends on Facebook, people he actually knew. He said he never saw them but the conversationsinging were not appropriate. We worked through it. I also knew he watched porn but never said anything. About 2 years in he was have issues with ED. I started researching and found the link between ED and porn. I gave him all the information and told him no more porn. He agreed but only he couldn't stop. I kept finding it only for us to argue and him say he wouldn't do it anymore. Well, for the last 2 years I haven't seen any and he had earned my trust back completely. Things were a little hectic the last 2 years, he is not very social or open with his feelings. We stayed busy wedding plannine and preparing for our first grandchild. Then last week my world crumbled again. He had to go out of town for work. Day 1 was dine, we texted and talked. Day 2 he texted me he was off work around 620pm. I was doing my own life things so we texted randomly for the next hour and a half. He was at dinner, how was it feeling (I was sick) then I realized the text I sent him at 8 he hadn't answered. I didn't panic. Sent him another one around 9. No reply. I called and his phone was off. I texted him again at 930 asking why his phone was off and no reply. At 6am the next morning I log in our phone bill and see he got the messages at 938 that night. I also GPS his phone and it is on and he is at the hotel. I call no answer. At 805 he calls me and tells me that his phone had died and they went to a bar. Something just did not jive with me. He knew I was mad. I went crazy on google then told him to call me on his lunch. He called and I asked the name of the bar he went to. He told me and I hung up on him. It was a strip club. He knew that would not be ok. Long story short, lies were all uncovered. His phone had not died, he turned it off so I could not see where he was if I tried, it was a strip club, the guys all then went back to the hotel and drank until 1am. I know he did not spend any money, the guys paid for him to get in and his drinks and I found out later one of the guys bought all of them a neck and shoulder massage. In an attempt to get passed the liesame I told him I wanted to see his phone. He hands it to me and BAM!! It is filled with porn. He said he will stop, he put monitors on his phone (he doesn't use a computer) but I am so heartbroken. One minute I think I am fine and the next I am near tears. My head keeps giving me images of him ogling women at the strip club. The truth took 5 days to come out this dar, how do I know there is not more??? I have read everything online I could, ordered a ton of books for both of us yet I still feel out control. He is emotionally distant, nothing new but I am realizing we actually don't have much intimacy in our life before and I want that! How are you and your husband doing? I know it's been years and I just wanted to check up. I hope he is learning to repent and follow God, as I also am trying to do. God is good.
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