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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 12:31:45 GMT -7
Thank you for the prayer Kevin. I actually printed off the prayer and have it in my journal that I write in a vent. Helps to keep focus. I personally feel I am doing good, I am staying focused and I feel I am either keeping away from lustful thoughts or finding a safe out if I am in a situation where thoughts are creeping in that I feel will be an issue. I am still off and on regarding desiring my wife. Love her yes, but frustrated with her, but then it is something I brought on myself. Every day gets a little better, especially as I find ways to get my find to focus on other things. With daily prayer, I am getting an idea on how to handle this. I do worry that I am at times sugarcoating my progress and doing worse than what I am doing. Since I am limiting my triggers (no TV or internet at home), I am finding I am doing well. When I get a chance to do more, we shall see what comes of it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2016 6:18:37 GMT -7
You are off to a great start MarcD
Father in heaven, We pray for our brothers and sisters today because father our hearts are attached to them and we know that they are praying for our recovery as well. Place your hand gently on MarcD's shoulder today Lord and guide him in the direction that You want him to go. Speak to him and reassure him to increase his faith and through that faith to trust that it will go well. Keep Him focused and grounded in the Word. Make him a man of prayer and a wonderful leader for his marriage and family. He's off to a great start Father. Let no distractions come into his life at this point. This is my prayer today for him in Jesus' name. Amen.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2016 14:04:38 GMT -7
Not the best of days today. Things not going as well as they could with my wife and I am not happy with her. Though I am still in the dog house with her, so you can see this is a fun situation to be in. So what I am finding is that when I am upset with her, I am more apt to follow along with my triggers. Close calls (closer than I truly like), but overall just alright. More drained and annoyed than happy. Even with writing in my journal and reading scripture and various other material on how to handle my problems. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 12:30:36 GMT -7
My friend, I feel for you. It's never easy to continue moving forward when you are not in sync with your partner. I don't know what happened to put you in that particular place, only you know, but think of ways you can get yourself out of "the dog house". I'll be praying that your mood changes and that you gain back the balance in your marriage. I'm laughing now because I think back to a time when I was a kid and I left another kid hanging up in the air on the teeter totter. This picture is kind of like your marriage or any marriage that doesn't have balance. One person has to find a way to let the one hanging in the air down without dropping that person on his or her butt. So my friend you gave your work cut our for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 13:45:06 GMT -7
Still rolling along with how I've been feeling the last couple of days. Jonathan, I truly understand what you are saying. I know we are so not in sync right now it isn't even funny. At the same time, I am debating on even if I want to be in sync. I am more or less feeling like I am going about this recovery on my own. It's an "us" only because we are married. Just not feeling like there is support or anything from her unless I fail and then there is the comments of why didn't I come to her if I had a problem. *shrug* I get that she's had to go through this a number of times and she could be just as burned out, but with no one to share or talk with at home, makes this a lonely and hard struggle at times. ON the temptation front though, I am having my ups and downs. I am finding I am getting tempted and almost slipping at times, but luckily work is so hectic right now that I can put some focus elsewhere. Since work is the only place I have internet access, it is making the struggle a little easier to handle. So for me that is it, just need to get out of this funk and mood I am in. Getting there, just not there.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 18, 2016 20:49:13 GMT -7
I can see that a lot of spouses can get into denial about this being such a hard problem for a PA to "fix". Many wives don't want to entertain the idea that their husbands are having any hint of temptation with lust or P. They'd rather that problem never existed. It took a while for my wife and I to see eye to eye on this. She really wanted to believe that I was cured; that I would never act out again. But she's gotten a lot more supportive and accepting of the real sin that faces me every single day. And she knows that if I don't demonstrate that I'm abiding in Jesus and keeping those good behaviors in my life each day, I'm opening myself to relapse.
Marc, I can see that your wife justs want you to be done with it. But you know better. This will take a lot more than just stopping P cold turkey based on your own willpower.
In January 2015, when I returned to BG, I didn't tell my wife that I was acting out with P over the holidays. And I didn't originally tell her that I was posting on BG. I was recovering in secret. I started to do the Love Dare on her too, without her knowing. She didn't know what was going on with me. But whatever it was, she was liking it. Until I came clean to her about a month later that I was recovering from relapsing into P. That's how she came onto BG herself, and that's when she finally realized what was going on with me with all the changes I was making into my life. Discovering my relapse was very painful to her, but she felt reassured and hopeful because I was making tangible, active changes in my life that were benefiting me, her, our marriage, our family, and others. And she liked it.
I bet if you start doing the Love Dare on her, start making the changes in your life such as a daily quiet time with God, and spending more quality time with your wife and family. Things will turn out a lot better. And your wife will be more receptive and open. It's just my opinion. Thanks for sharing Marc.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2016 14:15:10 GMT -7
It has been more than week since I've written on here, but I have been reading the bible at home. I have had some ups and downs. I have been fighting the urge to look at what triggers my compulsions for the last couple of work days. More or less just feeling grumpy and annoyed which is leading me to lash out and be a jerk and not care. So I have been trying to get some focus back. Still easily annoyed as I try to find anything to keep myself centered. As of this moment, time with my wife isn't it. Not in the mood to try to compete with her playing games on her phone *rolls eyes*. So yeah, I know this is a stage, but I am more or less bitter from being chastised for doing what she feels compelled to do and think there is nothing wrong with it. Honestly though it is most likely me just venting and whining. This must be part of the process in some fashion. With the upcoming holidays and vacations that she wants to go on, maybe there will be an improvement.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2016 15:18:10 GMT -7
It has been more than week since I've written on here, but I have been reading the bible at home. I have had some ups and downs. I have been fighting the urge to look at what triggers my compulsions for the last couple of work days. More or less just feeling grumpy and annoyed which is leading me to lash out and be a jerk and not care. So I have been trying to get some focus back. Still easily annoyed as I try to find anything to keep myself centered. As of this moment, time with my wife isn't it. Not in the mood to try to compete with her playing games on her phone *rolls eyes*. So yeah, I know this is a stage, but I am more or less bitter from being chastised for doing what she feels compelled to do and think there is nothing wrong with it. Honestly though it is most likely me just venting and whining. This must be part of the process in some fashion. With the upcoming holidays and vacations that she wants to go on, maybe there will be an improvement. Buddy I feel compassion for you. It has got to be hard for you. I'm not sure why your wife is ignoring you right now other than your own words. In the past you stated that communication between the two of you was difficult. Is that still the case? If so then I would suggest getting someone to help you communicate better. For me I'm a writer and often write better than I can talk so I write letters stating what is hard for me to verbally say. I don't know your wife's "love language", but that is something you need to figure out. I've read this book called "The Five Love Languages" series. In the book it states that everyone has his or her own way they like to communicate thus "love language" and they respond to that. Be it letters, songs, presents, etc. One must find a way to work within that language to truly enjoy open communication with another person. I believe the book is available at most libraries and even some church libraries might carry a copy. I wish you the best of luck on overcoming this hurdle because that's really what It is: a small bump in your marriage that is calling you to grow evermore. Pray about what she needs from you and go forth.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2016 14:30:41 GMT -7
That might be something I will keep in mind. I have to keep in mind that she is entitled to her anger, and not let that be a trigger and do something stupid. For now, Just need to keep focused on recovery.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2016 12:32:29 GMT -7
Quick and brief, doing alright, just trying to keep in focus. I will continue to keep working on my own anger and recognizing my triggers. I figured I would share since I don't want my posts to seem like I am always slamming my wife, when I am not. So I will work on our being together over the weekend, and try not to make an issue of things and learn to improve.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2016 18:32:09 GMT -7
Sounds like you have a plan in place that is good. Make time for her and only her with no distractions to get in the way. Listen to her as she speaks with you. Cherish the moment as she opens her heart up to you and shares her feelings and emotions. Praise her for the wife and partner that she is now and wants to become. Always end the conversation in prayer. This is something that is lacking greatly in life is that I forget to end deep conversations with prayer. In doing So it takes things to a whole New level of connection with God in the picture.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2016 14:17:46 GMT -7
Quick little review. Still hanging in there, but still having my moments. Not nearly as contentious at times with my wife, but we are still not quite eye to eye it seems. We will get there at some point. Still have my bad days, but slowly getting better it seems. So here is to that, will keep on reading and just hanging in there. Thank you everyone for the prayers and support, and Kev for the calls... even though I keep missing them. Time t enjoy the 0.001 inches of snow that is shutting down my city. Everyone be well and I am praying for you guys.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2016 14:53:41 GMT -7
Quick little review. Still hanging in there, but still having my moments. Not nearly as contentious at times with my wife, but we are still not quite eye to eye it seems. We will get there at some point. Still have my bad days, but slowly getting better it seems. So here is to that, will keep on reading and just hanging in there. Thank you everyone for the prayers and support, and Kev for the calls... even though I keep missing them. Time t enjoy the 0.001 inches of snow that is shutting down my city. Everyone be well and I am praying for you guys. LOL! That isn't snow...it's called frost. Keep plugging away. The good days will out number the bad days eventually. Stay in prayer and shower your wife with affection. Things will change.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 9, 2016 20:16:56 GMT -7
It's good to hear back from you Marc.
I'm off on Thursday, so I'll try to connect with you then.
Take care, brother.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 14:00:55 GMT -7
Had an enjoyable weekend. Great time with family and very enjoyable and stress free. Currently noticing that I am starting to slip and make excuses to look at items that lead to my triggers. Finding that if I don't pay attention, I get antsy and start explaining away that I can handle it... when I know full well I can't and I will start the back slide all over again. Luckily, work is such that it is making it hard to do so with being too busy and I still have no phone or internet access at home. So it is the downtime moments at work that cause the issue. So I am holding strong yet honestly struggling but I am doing alright. Just thought I would share since so many here have been of help. Also, since I suck so much at being reached by phone, but I am doing alright, honest. Be well everyone.
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