Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 23:25:58 GMT -7
I'm new to the forum and thought I should introduce myself. I'm married to a man who struggles with sexual immorality - others wise known as sex addiction. My husband has been walking the road to recovery for five years now. Thankfully, through the grace and mercy of God, hard work, and perseverance, we have experienced much healing for my husband, myself, and incredibly - for our marriage. Five years later, are we out of the woods? Not by a long shot, but turning our lives over to Christ was the starting point and we continue on the journey...
Just to clarify, my husband does not struggle with viewing porn. It started in much that same way in his childhood years, but over the years, his struggle became much deeper, much darker. Five years ago, I found out that my husband was leading a double life. He was acting out (having sex) with prostitutes, visiting massage parlors, hook-ups, etc. He was also a functioning alcoholic (this I was very aware of) who drank 20-30 beers a night, but he never thought he had a problem with alcohol. He also had a major anger problem. I had never heard of sex addiction - had no idea that such a thing even existed, and never in my wildest nightmares ever suspected my husband was doing the things he was doing.
We have been through very dark times in the past five years - much counseling, which included a full disclosure of all my husbands sexual activity since the age of 18 (followed up with a polygraph to confirm truthfulness), contracting two, life-long STDs from my husbands extramarital activities, and a relapse where my husband acted out sexually with a prostitute a little over a year into recovery. It has been difficult to say the least. I have wrestled with anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, isolation, pride, and my faith in God (or lack therof). But I can testify that God has brought me through all the pain and continues to work in both of us - changing us where we need to change.
I can thankfully say that I am in a good marriage now. It's not a fairy tale marriage, that's for sure, but it is good. It is real. I am thankful that it is real.
It's an awesome thing to be witness to the transforming power of God in a persons life. It's not simple, or magical. It does not happen by saying a certain prayer or asking God to take away all our problems. It requires hard work - doing what the Word of God says, perseverance during those times when we are floundering and don't feel like there is hope.
If there's one piece of advice I could give to hurting wives it would be "don't stand on your feelings and emotions." We women are emotional beings, but we must stand on what the Word of God says and practice doing what the Bible says to do. First, we have to read it. But don't just read it - put it into practice in your life. This is very hard to do - but ask God to teach you and help you. As an example, in Ephesians 4, we are told to be angry, but not to sin in our anger. We have a right to be angry at our husbands for what they have done against us, our families, and most importantly against God. But, we are not to use or express that anger in a sinful way. It doesn't give us the right to make sinful choices ourselves like lashing out, turning to alcohol, or drugs, or food, or shopping, or whatever else to soothe our souls. Instead, use it to help you establish solid boundaries that keep you safe physically, emotionally. If you need help with this (I sure did) seek a good Christian counselor that has experience with addiction, read books on it - Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a good one. Bottom line is don't let your anger destroy you by allowing it to take you down a sinful path. Use your anger in a righteous way to help you make healthy choices and strengthen your resolve to live for Christ no matter what your circumstances.
The reason I joined this forum, is because I never want to forget how far God has brought us, and I want to be able to encourage women who feel like they are in a hopeless situation. I've been in hopeless despair, found hope, and then been hopeless again. Thankfully God didn't leave me there - He used all the pain and confusion for my good, for my husbands good, and for Gods glory. There's no way my husband and I would be together, in a happy marriage if it wasn't for Gods work in our lives. We just aren't that good.
I remember how isolated and alone I felt when I first found out about my husbands deep sin. I had no one to talk to, no one to comfort or encourage me. It was a very scary place to be. I'm sharing our story because I don't want other wives to have to go through such isolation. I'd like to be an encouraging voice. I'll never forget when I met another wife in my support group who was further along the journey than myself. She was the only one in our group who had a husband story that was worse than mine. It comforted me to hear her talk about the healing that had taken place in her marriage - she was full of faith, grace, and strength even when her husband relapsed. She set boundaries and stuck to them, she didn't give up. Her faith became stronger, she became wiser. It really encouraged me and gave me hope. I want to encourage a wife out there who thinks her situation is hopeless - it's not. I'm not saying you have a guarantee from God that your husband will become a new man, your marriage will be healed and all will be just as you want it to be. Not at all. Jesus promises he will be with us always, he promises we will have trouble in this world, and that he will use ALL things for His glory and for our good. Your husband may never be free from addiction - he has free will to decide who or what he will worship. Your marriage may end - but you can count on Christ to use all of it - for His Glory and your ultimate good.
My husband still faces temptation every day and goes through times of great struggle. But, in spite of this - I honestly can say we have a good marriage and a deep love for one another. It's a marriage and a love that has been formed by going through the fire. It's not the marriage I dreamed of as a little girl. I see now that my pie-in-the-sky idea of marriage was a fairy tale. I live in reality now. I've experienced more reality than most wives - wives who don't even know what their husbands could be, or are, involved in. I am thankful that I know who I am married to and just what he is capable of, given the right circumstances and opportunity.
Because of that, we keep numerous accountability safeguards in place including covenant eyes installed on all devices, he no longer carries cash or uses cash for purchases, (he uses a debit card instead so I can see what he is using his money for), we installed a GPS tracking app called Life360 on our phones that shows me where he is at all times, and he attends a support group on a regular basis and has accountability partners he can count on. I have access to his iPhone, his email accounts, etc. All these things were put in place to help both of us. The accountability helps my husband stay on track when he is struggling and it helps me by being able to confirm that he is where he says he is. Our therapist gave me good advice when I asked him "how will I ever be able to trust my husband again?" He said "trust - but also verify." Trust has to be earned - and it's earned over time as I see him make a consistent effort to be transparent with me. If I had to beg and demand for this, it would never work. There would be no trust in that. Transparency in all things is something my husband must give me on his own - freely. It's evidence that he wants to turn away from this propensity to make sinful choices.
If you are having to fight and beg your husband to be transparent with you, he's not reached a place where he is sick of his own sin yet. He's still in the midst of it. Don't pray for him to be healed - pray that God will make him miserable in his sin and bring him to a place of utter brokenness. It's hard to see a person in that place (let alone be married to him), but broken and miserable is a good place to be. It's good for him to have absolutely no hope. That is where God can get ahold of your husband and cause him to truly seek God and find that his only hope is in Christ.
I would also caution wives to establish boundaries to protect your physical and emotional health. Find people to support you in this area (support group, friends, family, counselor, pastor, ect). You don't know the extent of what your husband is doing. Don't choose to be ignorant and hope for the best. Make every effort to find out what he is doing and who he is doing it with. Your health, even your life, could be at stake.
My husband needed to make radical changes to help him overcome his addictions. Some of these were no more drinking, no more going out with the guys, letting go of old friendships that were bad for him, no music with sexual innuendo or songs about drinking, and many, many more.
I needed to make changes as well to keep myself from being triggered into anger and bitterness. In the beginning, I found myself losing myself in TV shows. I would watch for hours on end - escaping my own messed up, broken down life. The TV watching would leave me feeling isolated, hopeless, numb, stuck - or - it would trigger me into anger and bitterness because most, if not all shows and movies these days have seductively dressed women in them and many are about immoral sex, adultery, etc. Huge triggers for me. TV was bad for my husband too, so one day I cancelled the cable and we have never looked back. One of the best decisions we have ever made. What did we fill our time at home with then? We began a habit of listening to sermons on our IPhones. Filling our minds with whatever was true, noble, right, pure, holy (Phil 4:8) and actively pursuing how to put the truths of the Bible into practice in our daily lives. (James 1:22). I also no longer drink. I used to be a social drinker, but we had to be radical about what we cut out of our lives - and this was one I needed to do as well. I knew I could easily use it as a crutch to soothe myself and escape from reality - and I didn't want to be turning to anything else in my pain, but God.
I wish I could say I was perfect through this whole process, but unfortunately I was far from it. Anger and bitterness were big struggles for me and just as my husband was learning how to turn away from the sin in his life - I was learning to turn away from the sin in my own life. He had laid down his burden, and I had picked it up - along with all the triggers and emotions that came with it. Thankfully, God knows we are both slow learners, but he has been faithful to continue to teach us and not give up.
Thats a very brief synopsis of our story - where we've been, where we are now. I can say now that I am thankful to God for the journey, because it has brought both myself and my husband closer to Him. We both know that God is real, He cares, He hears us, and He is our strength. I hope to get to know some of the wives on the forum and hope to be an encouragement and a listening ear, when needed.
Just to clarify, my husband does not struggle with viewing porn. It started in much that same way in his childhood years, but over the years, his struggle became much deeper, much darker. Five years ago, I found out that my husband was leading a double life. He was acting out (having sex) with prostitutes, visiting massage parlors, hook-ups, etc. He was also a functioning alcoholic (this I was very aware of) who drank 20-30 beers a night, but he never thought he had a problem with alcohol. He also had a major anger problem. I had never heard of sex addiction - had no idea that such a thing even existed, and never in my wildest nightmares ever suspected my husband was doing the things he was doing.
We have been through very dark times in the past five years - much counseling, which included a full disclosure of all my husbands sexual activity since the age of 18 (followed up with a polygraph to confirm truthfulness), contracting two, life-long STDs from my husbands extramarital activities, and a relapse where my husband acted out sexually with a prostitute a little over a year into recovery. It has been difficult to say the least. I have wrestled with anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, isolation, pride, and my faith in God (or lack therof). But I can testify that God has brought me through all the pain and continues to work in both of us - changing us where we need to change.
I can thankfully say that I am in a good marriage now. It's not a fairy tale marriage, that's for sure, but it is good. It is real. I am thankful that it is real.
It's an awesome thing to be witness to the transforming power of God in a persons life. It's not simple, or magical. It does not happen by saying a certain prayer or asking God to take away all our problems. It requires hard work - doing what the Word of God says, perseverance during those times when we are floundering and don't feel like there is hope.
If there's one piece of advice I could give to hurting wives it would be "don't stand on your feelings and emotions." We women are emotional beings, but we must stand on what the Word of God says and practice doing what the Bible says to do. First, we have to read it. But don't just read it - put it into practice in your life. This is very hard to do - but ask God to teach you and help you. As an example, in Ephesians 4, we are told to be angry, but not to sin in our anger. We have a right to be angry at our husbands for what they have done against us, our families, and most importantly against God. But, we are not to use or express that anger in a sinful way. It doesn't give us the right to make sinful choices ourselves like lashing out, turning to alcohol, or drugs, or food, or shopping, or whatever else to soothe our souls. Instead, use it to help you establish solid boundaries that keep you safe physically, emotionally. If you need help with this (I sure did) seek a good Christian counselor that has experience with addiction, read books on it - Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a good one. Bottom line is don't let your anger destroy you by allowing it to take you down a sinful path. Use your anger in a righteous way to help you make healthy choices and strengthen your resolve to live for Christ no matter what your circumstances.
The reason I joined this forum, is because I never want to forget how far God has brought us, and I want to be able to encourage women who feel like they are in a hopeless situation. I've been in hopeless despair, found hope, and then been hopeless again. Thankfully God didn't leave me there - He used all the pain and confusion for my good, for my husbands good, and for Gods glory. There's no way my husband and I would be together, in a happy marriage if it wasn't for Gods work in our lives. We just aren't that good.
I remember how isolated and alone I felt when I first found out about my husbands deep sin. I had no one to talk to, no one to comfort or encourage me. It was a very scary place to be. I'm sharing our story because I don't want other wives to have to go through such isolation. I'd like to be an encouraging voice. I'll never forget when I met another wife in my support group who was further along the journey than myself. She was the only one in our group who had a husband story that was worse than mine. It comforted me to hear her talk about the healing that had taken place in her marriage - she was full of faith, grace, and strength even when her husband relapsed. She set boundaries and stuck to them, she didn't give up. Her faith became stronger, she became wiser. It really encouraged me and gave me hope. I want to encourage a wife out there who thinks her situation is hopeless - it's not. I'm not saying you have a guarantee from God that your husband will become a new man, your marriage will be healed and all will be just as you want it to be. Not at all. Jesus promises he will be with us always, he promises we will have trouble in this world, and that he will use ALL things for His glory and for our good. Your husband may never be free from addiction - he has free will to decide who or what he will worship. Your marriage may end - but you can count on Christ to use all of it - for His Glory and your ultimate good.
My husband still faces temptation every day and goes through times of great struggle. But, in spite of this - I honestly can say we have a good marriage and a deep love for one another. It's a marriage and a love that has been formed by going through the fire. It's not the marriage I dreamed of as a little girl. I see now that my pie-in-the-sky idea of marriage was a fairy tale. I live in reality now. I've experienced more reality than most wives - wives who don't even know what their husbands could be, or are, involved in. I am thankful that I know who I am married to and just what he is capable of, given the right circumstances and opportunity.
Because of that, we keep numerous accountability safeguards in place including covenant eyes installed on all devices, he no longer carries cash or uses cash for purchases, (he uses a debit card instead so I can see what he is using his money for), we installed a GPS tracking app called Life360 on our phones that shows me where he is at all times, and he attends a support group on a regular basis and has accountability partners he can count on. I have access to his iPhone, his email accounts, etc. All these things were put in place to help both of us. The accountability helps my husband stay on track when he is struggling and it helps me by being able to confirm that he is where he says he is. Our therapist gave me good advice when I asked him "how will I ever be able to trust my husband again?" He said "trust - but also verify." Trust has to be earned - and it's earned over time as I see him make a consistent effort to be transparent with me. If I had to beg and demand for this, it would never work. There would be no trust in that. Transparency in all things is something my husband must give me on his own - freely. It's evidence that he wants to turn away from this propensity to make sinful choices.
If you are having to fight and beg your husband to be transparent with you, he's not reached a place where he is sick of his own sin yet. He's still in the midst of it. Don't pray for him to be healed - pray that God will make him miserable in his sin and bring him to a place of utter brokenness. It's hard to see a person in that place (let alone be married to him), but broken and miserable is a good place to be. It's good for him to have absolutely no hope. That is where God can get ahold of your husband and cause him to truly seek God and find that his only hope is in Christ.
I would also caution wives to establish boundaries to protect your physical and emotional health. Find people to support you in this area (support group, friends, family, counselor, pastor, ect). You don't know the extent of what your husband is doing. Don't choose to be ignorant and hope for the best. Make every effort to find out what he is doing and who he is doing it with. Your health, even your life, could be at stake.
My husband needed to make radical changes to help him overcome his addictions. Some of these were no more drinking, no more going out with the guys, letting go of old friendships that were bad for him, no music with sexual innuendo or songs about drinking, and many, many more.
I needed to make changes as well to keep myself from being triggered into anger and bitterness. In the beginning, I found myself losing myself in TV shows. I would watch for hours on end - escaping my own messed up, broken down life. The TV watching would leave me feeling isolated, hopeless, numb, stuck - or - it would trigger me into anger and bitterness because most, if not all shows and movies these days have seductively dressed women in them and many are about immoral sex, adultery, etc. Huge triggers for me. TV was bad for my husband too, so one day I cancelled the cable and we have never looked back. One of the best decisions we have ever made. What did we fill our time at home with then? We began a habit of listening to sermons on our IPhones. Filling our minds with whatever was true, noble, right, pure, holy (Phil 4:8) and actively pursuing how to put the truths of the Bible into practice in our daily lives. (James 1:22). I also no longer drink. I used to be a social drinker, but we had to be radical about what we cut out of our lives - and this was one I needed to do as well. I knew I could easily use it as a crutch to soothe myself and escape from reality - and I didn't want to be turning to anything else in my pain, but God.
I wish I could say I was perfect through this whole process, but unfortunately I was far from it. Anger and bitterness were big struggles for me and just as my husband was learning how to turn away from the sin in his life - I was learning to turn away from the sin in my own life. He had laid down his burden, and I had picked it up - along with all the triggers and emotions that came with it. Thankfully, God knows we are both slow learners, but he has been faithful to continue to teach us and not give up.
Thats a very brief synopsis of our story - where we've been, where we are now. I can say now that I am thankful to God for the journey, because it has brought both myself and my husband closer to Him. We both know that God is real, He cares, He hears us, and He is our strength. I hope to get to know some of the wives on the forum and hope to be an encouragement and a listening ear, when needed.